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Old 06-02-2004, 05:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: Windsor, ON
How do you help people who won't help themselves?

I have a friend.
She gets depressed.
She lives with a guy.
He treats her like shit.
He's hit her.
But she won't leave him.
He took her off the street when she was 15, gave her a place to stay.
She says he loves him.
He says he loves her.
She knows that's not true.
He's hit her.
But she won't leave him.
She gets depressed.
She's thought about killing herself.
She hasn't been to work in 3 days.
She may lose her job...again.
Know where she's been these past 3 days?
With him.
She's basically stopped living just to be with him.
She doesn't go out and have fun.
Ever.
Everyone's told her to leave.
To take care of herself.
She did once.
But she went back to him.
She's with him now.
----------
Is the time for talk over?
Is it time to storm the castle and rescue the princess?
__________________
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all mad here.
I'm mad, you're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
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Old 06-02-2004, 05:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Moderator Emeritus
Location: Chicago
Rescuing her won't help unless she wants to get rescued. Most abused victims end up going back to their abusers unless they really want help.

She may not think she's got options. Help her to see them. Do some research for battered women's shelters. They have people on staff who are trained to help. If she's in Louisiana, have her go talk to one of my best friends who runs a battered women's shelter.

Everyone telling her to leave isn't going to help her. Right now her self esteem is very damaged. She doesn't think she's got choices. It's common among victims. She doesn't think she deserves any better than him. She does.

What interests her? She needs something in her life besides him. Be thankful she still has you, and that you know this information.

She has to want to leave, she won't want to leave unless she has a place to go. The women's shelters can help with that, some of them are really nice places. They have counselors who can help her find herself again.

Bless you and good luck.
__________________
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Old 06-02-2004, 06:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: Chicago
I googled a bit....
From the Family Violence Law Center
If you know someone who’s being abused, here’s how to help:

Be there. Listen without giving advice, unless it is asked for, and believe what is told to you.

Don’t pressure your friend to break up with his or her partner, and don’t put the partner down. This may drive your friend away.

Don’t tell your friend how s/he should feel. Recognize that it is still possible to love someone who hurts you.

Encourage your friend to get help. Offer to help find a counselor s/he can trust and offer to go with your friend to meet the counselor.

Call a domestic violence hotline to find out what you can do to help your friend. You can remain anonymous if you wish.

Get written information on relationship abuse and share it with your friend.

Allow your friend to make his or her own decisions, and respect those decisions even if you don’t agree with them.

-------------
From some Internet therapy Site
Things you can do if you think a friend is the victim of domestic violence:

If you have a friend you think may be the victim of domestic violence, do not look the other way. Bring up the subject. Talk to them about it. Let them know you care and want to help. If they are, in fact, in an abusive relationship, they need a friend now more than ever. Some suggestions of ways you can be supportive include:

Gently, but directly, ask questions about their situation. Give them time to talk about what they feel comfortable sharing. Ask again a few days later.

Listen without judging. Often someone who’s being abused feels responsible, ashamed, and hypersensitive about how her situation will be perceived.

Tell them the abuse is not their fault. Physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable and there’s never a good excuse for it—not alcohol or drugs, financial problems, depression, jealousy, and certainly not anything they’ve said or done.

Help them to understand that they are not alone. Domestic violence occurs in all communities in our country, affecting families of every race, religion and socio economic status.

Let them know that domestic violence tends to only get worse, becomes even more frequent with time and that it rarely goes away on its own.

Be very clear in letting them know that family violence is not a private matter, it’s a crime. Tell them that they can seek protection from the police and/or get emergency 24-hour assistance by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

Work with them to seek professional resources that can help them take care of themselves. 4therapy’s Therapist Locator can identify a therapist in their area who is especially experienced at helping people who find themselves in situations just like theirs.
----------------------- How to Help a Friend from the San Diego Domestic Violence Unit
Tips on How to help a Friend
who’s in an Abusive Relationship

1. Tell her it's not her fault. You can never make someone else hurt you.
2. Tell her she doesn't deserve it. No one ever deserves to be hurt.
3. Tell her she's not crazy. A person who's been abused often feels upset, depressed, confused, and scared. Let her know these are normal feelings to have.
4. Don't try to pretend that the abuse isn't happening, or that it isn't that bad. Let your friend know that you take it very seriously; pretending it's no big deal doesn't make it go away.
5. Tell her good things about herself. Let her know you think she's smart, strong, and brave. Her abuser is telling her she is stupid and tearing down her self-esteem.
6. Try to help your friend break out of the isolation her abuser has put her in. Keep in contact with her on the phone or by going out with her.
7. Don't spread gossip--it could put her in danger.
8. Don't try to make her do anything she doesn't want to (it won't work unless it's her decision).
9. Encourage her to build a wide support system-- go to a support group, talk to friends and family.
10. Don't blame her for the abuse or her decisions; leaving an abusive relationship is hard and usually takes a long time.
11. See if she needs medical attention--she may not realize the extent of her injuries.
12. Give her good information about abuse--you can call your local crisis line and get information about the impact of abuse on children and that drugs and alcohol do not cause domestic violence.
13. Tell her that domestic violence is a crime and she can call 911 for help. If it’s not safe to stay on the phone with the operator run or go to safe place.
14. Help her develop a safety plan for the time she stays as well as the time when she leaves.
15. Listen. Let her express all her fears and other feelings. Even giving her good advice in a kind and respectful manner can be received as pressure and/or a reminder of everything she is not doing "right."
16. Don't initially challenge or reject her feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment. Give her time. She needs to come to her own conclusions about her self-defeating thinking. If she follows what you say, then she has substituted one kind of dependence for another.
17. Don't blame or attack the abuser. It will confuse her and, perhaps, move her to defend him or her. Up to now she may have found some internal peace by making excuses for a person who says he/she loves her yet can abuse her so badly.
Be patient. Her self-empowerment may take longer that you want. Go at the victim's pace, not yours, unless the danger is imminent.
18. Ask her about the children. Encourage her to talk about the effects this is having on them. Validate those concerns. It may help her leave in future.
19. Don’t give up. Let her know you will always be there for her when she may need help or just needs someone to talk to.

-----------------------
__________________
Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

Last edited by maleficent; 06-02-2004 at 06:09 PM..
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Old 06-02-2004, 07:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: Windsor, ON
Thank you for your time and effort maleficent, it means a great deal to me. I can see that apparently I was well on my way down the wrong road in dealing with this (perhaps I've already gone too far).

Maintaining contact with her is difficult; she's either never home or refuses to answer, and since I know for a certainty where she is (going so far as to having a quick look around his building and their local favorite hangout), I am close to . . . confronting, both him and her. I'm finding it very difficult to stand by and watch this happen, watch her sink deeper into depression in a terrible relationship, hoping by some miracle she figures things out on her own, or that she at least realizes that she needs help and stops isolating herself; it'd be far quicker and easier to attack the problem directly.

But, seeing as how I've never encountered this sort of situation before and thus have no experience in properly dealing with it, I'll do my best to abide by the guidelines you've given me.

Thank you again.
__________________
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all mad here.
I'm mad, you're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
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Old 06-02-2004, 08:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Moderator Emeritus
Location: Chicago
as hard as it may be - just try to be her friend -- as hard as it may be -- don't give up on her - call her - invite her to the movies, out for lunch, out for a walk in the park - just to get her out -

You are doing just fine by caring about her - -and by wanting to beat the lowlife scum up...

Give the women's shelter a call yourself, if you can find one locally (your profile doesn't list a location) they may have some more ideas --

Good luck again....
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Old 06-03-2004, 12:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Last edited by fulkramick; 05-26-2007 at 07:37 PM..
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Old 06-03-2004, 03:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: USA
Keeping in mind there's nothing that can be done about someone who won't help him or herself, what I do is talk directly about the problem when I address the person. I am responsible for what I say and I'm not about to pretend that problems do not exist when they stare me in the face.
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Old 06-03-2004, 08:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Manhattan, NY
Quote:
Originally posted by ARTelevision
Keeping in mind there's nothing that can be done about someone who won't help him or herself, what I do is talk directly about the problem when I address the person. I am responsible for what I say and I'm not about to pretend that problems do not exist when they stare me in the face.
I agree with everything above this post, especially this.

That said, there's also a point in time where I have to step away from the situation because I can no longer bear the burden of watching someone slip away into whatever, financial straits, drug abuse, depression etc.

That does not mean we aren't friends, or I don't support them when they call. I just can no longer be the initiator. I can no longer in good conscience be a by stander watching it transpire.

So I have to step away. I have to move just a little over so that if they fall I am close enough to catch them, but far enough away that I don't aggravate myself to the point of frustration.

Currently I have a few friends that I'm on hiatus with, they need their time and space to figure it out. Some friends I've just had to part ways with because they would not help themselves and surrounded themselves with people who support their drama.
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Old 06-03-2004, 10:33 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: MD
By not helping them at all. It's though to do but until someone hits their bottom they can't and won't do anything for themselves if they've been enabled for any length of time.
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Old 06-04-2004, 02:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
:::OshnSoul:::
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it's hard, because you don't want to come in the middle of the whole ordeal, but you want to fix things. But you can't fix other people's problems.
Basically she has the choice of doing something about it. You can't tamper with that, but you can just be there for her (not too much, or else the boyfriend might come after you).
Play it safe, be a good friend, but be cautious and keep a safe distance. Interfering could cause more trouble.
 
Old 06-04-2004, 02:59 PM   #11 (permalink)
Observant Ruminant
 
Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town
Yes, it's hard. Be there for her, but don't enable. Tell her, "you know what my opinion is," if she asks for support. And discuss what making the right moves should be. And be ready to support her if she makes the right moves. And don't stop being her friend if she refuses, but don't support her in her self-destructive path, either.

I knew a women I really liked, who also really liked me, and who was in a bad relationship where she was taken advantage of. I knew we could be together, but I didn't just step in and take her away from the guy. I waited for her to leave him on her own, and gave her all the support I could. It took a couple of tries on her part, but she finally did. _Then_, a few months after it was all settled, we started going out, and we finally married.
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