Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - How do you help people who won't help themselves?

maleficent · 06-02-2004, 06:01 PM

I googled a bit....
From the Family Violence Law Center
If you know someone who’s being abused, here’s how to help:

Be there. Listen without giving advice, unless it is asked for, and believe what is told to you.

Don’t pressure your friend to break up with his or her partner, and don’t put the partner down. This may drive your friend away.

Don’t tell your friend how s/he should feel. Recognize that it is still possible to love someone who hurts you.

Encourage your friend to get help. Offer to help find a counselor s/he can trust and offer to go with your friend to meet the counselor.

Call a domestic violence hotline to find out what you can do to help your friend. You can remain anonymous if you wish.

Get written information on relationship abuse and share it with your friend.

Allow your friend to make his or her own decisions, and respect those decisions even if you don’t agree with them.

-------------
From some Internet therapy Site
Things you can do if you think a friend is the victim of domestic violence:

If you have a friend you think may be the victim of domestic violence, do not look the other way. Bring up the subject. Talk to them about it. Let them know you care and want to help. If they are, in fact, in an abusive relationship, they need a friend now more than ever. Some suggestions of ways you can be supportive include:

Gently, but directly, ask questions about their situation. Give them time to talk about what they feel comfortable sharing. Ask again a few days later.

Listen without judging. Often someone who’s being abused feels responsible, ashamed, and hypersensitive about how her situation will be perceived.

Tell them the abuse is not their fault. Physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable and there’s never a good excuse for it—not alcohol or drugs, financial problems, depression, jealousy, and certainly not anything they’ve said or done.

Help them to understand that they are not alone. Domestic violence occurs in all communities in our country, affecting families of every race, religion and socio economic status.

Let them know that domestic violence tends to only get worse, becomes even more frequent with time and that it rarely goes away on its own.

Be very clear in letting them know that family violence is not a private matter, it’s a crime. Tell them that they can seek protection from the police and/or get emergency 24-hour assistance by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

Work with them to seek professional resources that can help them take care of themselves. 4therapy’s Therapist Locator can identify a therapist in their area who is especially experienced at helping people who find themselves in situations just like theirs.
----------------------- How to Help a Friend from the San Diego Domestic Violence Unit
Tips on How to help a Friend
who’s in an Abusive Relationship

1. Tell her it's not her fault. You can never make someone else hurt you.
2. Tell her she doesn't deserve it. No one ever deserves to be hurt.
3. Tell her she's not crazy. A person who's been abused often feels upset, depressed, confused, and scared. Let her know these are normal feelings to have.
4. Don't try to pretend that the abuse isn't happening, or that it isn't that bad. Let your friend know that you take it very seriously; pretending it's no big deal doesn't make it go away.
5. Tell her good things about herself. Let her know you think she's smart, strong, and brave. Her abuser is telling her she is stupid and tearing down her self-esteem.
6. Try to help your friend break out of the isolation her abuser has put her in. Keep in contact with her on the phone or by going out with her.
7. Don't spread gossip--it could put her in danger.
8. Don't try to make her do anything she doesn't want to (it won't work unless it's her decision).
9. Encourage her to build a wide support system-- go to a support group, talk to friends and family.
10. Don't blame her for the abuse or her decisions; leaving an abusive relationship is hard and usually takes a long time.
11. See if she needs medical attention--she may not realize the extent of her injuries.
12. Give her good information about abuse--you can call your local crisis line and get information about the impact of abuse on children and that drugs and alcohol do not cause domestic violence.
13. Tell her that domestic violence is a crime and she can call 911 for help. If it’s not safe to stay on the phone with the operator run or go to safe place.
14. Help her develop a safety plan for the time she stays as well as the time when she leaves.
15. Listen. Let her express all her fears and other feelings. Even giving her good advice in a kind and respectful manner can be received as pressure and/or a reminder of everything she is not doing "right."
16. Don't initially challenge or reject her feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment. Give her time. She needs to come to her own conclusions about her self-defeating thinking. If she follows what you say, then she has substituted one kind of dependence for another.
17. Don't blame or attack the abuser. It will confuse her and, perhaps, move her to defend him or her. Up to now she may have found some internal peace by making excuses for a person who says he/she loves her yet can abuse her so badly.
Be patient. Her self-empowerment may take longer that you want. Go at the victim's pace, not yours, unless the danger is imminent.
18. Ask her about the children. Encourage her to talk about the effects this is having on them. Validate those concerns. It may help her leave in future.
19. Don’t give up. Let her know you will always be there for her when she may need help or just needs someone to talk to.

-----------------------

06-02-2004, 06:01 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I googled a bit.... From the Family Violence Law Center If you know someone who’s being abused, here’s how to help: Be there. Listen without giving advice, unless it is asked for, and believe what is told to you. Don’t pressure your friend to break up with his or her partner, and don’t put the partner down. This may drive your friend away. Don’t tell your friend how s/he should feel. Recognize that it is still possible to love someone who hurts you. Encourage your friend to get help. Offer to help find a counselor s/he can trust and offer to go with your friend to meet the counselor. Call a domestic violence hotline to find out what you can do to help your friend. You can remain anonymous if you wish. Get written information on relationship abuse and share it with your friend. Allow your friend to make his or her own decisions, and respect those decisions even if you don’t agree with them. ------------- From some Internet therapy Site Things you can do if you think a friend is the victim of domestic violence: If you have a friend you think may be the victim of domestic violence, do not look the other way. Bring up the subject. Talk to them about it. Let them know you care and want to help. If they are, in fact, in an abusive relationship, they need a friend now more than ever. Some suggestions of ways you can be supportive include: Gently, but directly, ask questions about their situation. Give them time to talk about what they feel comfortable sharing. Ask again a few days later. Listen without judging. Often someone who’s being abused feels responsible, ashamed, and hypersensitive about how her situation will be perceived. Tell them the abuse is not their fault. Physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable and there’s never a good excuse for it—not alcohol or drugs, financial problems, depression, jealousy, and certainly not anything they’ve said or done. Help them to understand that they are not alone. Domestic violence occurs in all communities in our country, affecting families of every race, religion and socio economic status. Let them know that domestic violence tends to only get worse, becomes even more frequent with time and that it rarely goes away on its own. Be very clear in letting them know that family violence is not a private matter, it’s a crime. Tell them that they can seek protection from the police and/or get emergency 24-hour assistance by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. Work with them to seek professional resources that can help them take care of themselves. 4therapy’s Therapist Locator can identify a therapist in their area who is especially experienced at helping people who find themselves in situations just like theirs. ----------------------- How to Help a Friend from the San Diego Domestic Violence Unit Tips on How to help a Friend who’s in an Abusive Relationship 1. Tell her it's not her fault. You can never make someone else hurt you. 2. Tell her she doesn't deserve it. No one ever deserves to be hurt. 3. Tell her she's not crazy. A person who's been abused often feels upset, depressed, confused, and scared. Let her know these are normal feelings to have. 4. Don't try to pretend that the abuse isn't happening, or that it isn't that bad. Let your friend know that you take it very seriously; pretending it's no big deal doesn't make it go away. 5. Tell her good things about herself. Let her know you think she's smart, strong, and brave. Her abuser is telling her she is stupid and tearing down her self-esteem. 6. Try to help your friend break out of the isolation her abuser has put her in. Keep in contact with her on the phone or by going out with her. 7. Don't spread gossip--it could put her in danger. 8. Don't try to make her do anything she doesn't want to (it won't work unless it's her decision). 9. Encourage her to build a wide support system-- go to a support group, talk to friends and family. 10. Don't blame her for the abuse or her decisions; leaving an abusive relationship is hard and usually takes a long time. 11. See if she needs medical attention--she may not realize the extent of her injuries. 12. Give her good information about abuse--you can call your local crisis line and get information about the impact of abuse on children and that drugs and alcohol do not cause domestic violence. 13. Tell her that domestic violence is a crime and she can call 911 for help. If it’s not safe to stay on the phone with the operator run or go to safe place. 14. Help her develop a safety plan for the time she stays as well as the time when she leaves. 15. Listen. Let her express all her fears and other feelings. Even giving her good advice in a kind and respectful manner can be received as pressure and/or a reminder of everything she is not doing "right." 16. Don't initially challenge or reject her feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment. Give her time. She needs to come to her own conclusions about her self-defeating thinking. If she follows what you say, then she has substituted one kind of dependence for another. 17. Don't blame or attack the abuser. It will confuse her and, perhaps, move her to defend him or her. Up to now she may have found some internal peace by making excuses for a person who says he/she loves her yet can abuse her so badly. Be patient. Her self-empowerment may take longer that you want. Go at the victim's pace, not yours, unless the danger is imminent. 18. Ask her about the children. Encourage her to talk about the effects this is having on them. Validate those concerns. It may help her leave in future. 19. Don’t give up. Let her know you will always be there for her when she may need help or just needs someone to talk to. ----------------------- __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less. Last edited by maleficent; 06-02-2004 at 06:09 PM..