Cynthetiq

People have been posting things about their parents here's some common answers and responses, in most cases they will apply to you who is griping about your situations.

Their house, their rules.
Don't like it? Get a job, get an apartment and get out.

They do things that I don't agree with.
Don't like it? Get a job, get an apartment and get out. See above rule

They don't treat me like an adult...curfew, rules, etc.
If you don't act like one, why should anyone treat you as such? If you need more clarification see Their house, their rules.

They promised they would pay for...
Your parents don't owe you anything especially once you've turned 18. You are considered an adult by the eyes of the government. Act like one.

My parents are doing...
You may not like it, you may not agree with it. But they deserve to do whatever they please even if you find it illegal, immoral etc. "Do as I say and not as I do" is a perfectly good and fair statement for them to say to you.

My parents did this to me when growing up.
Short of illegal things such as molestation and abuse, they did their best, sometimes they did crappy things, you are responsible for your life.


Common answers from our community of people who care:

• Sorry to be blunt, but if you're going to as a large and opinionated group you're going to get varied advice. And you have to be prepared for advice you might not want. But if you're asking for it.... Well, you don't have much to complain about.
  
• When you pay your own bills, in other words, take on the responsibilities of an adult, then you can say you're an adult. That means rent, car payments, utilities, food, insurance, loan payments, and credit card bills, among other things. Until then, you're only an adult from the point of view of the legal system.
  
• Be careful what you ask for, you might get it. Paying for college isn't fun, paying for living expenses isn't fun. With total freedom comes responsibility. Responsibility isn't hanging out with your friends until all hours, responsibility is paying bills and putting a roof over your head.
  
• Making the transition between "child" and "adult" requires a bit of an adjustment. Even after you've become self-supporting, getting your parents to treat you as an adult may take some effort on all your parts.
  
• Maybe they aren't giving you the leash you want because you have not proven to them that you are mature enough to handle it.
  
• Maybe you need to earn the privileges instead of demanding them.
  
• Whether your parents work or not is none of your concern. That is based on an agreement between your parents.
  
• Maturity is not based on the number of years on the planet.
  
• Make sure that you do the math about living away from your parents as it seems like you are in the mode of breaking off relations with them. Life is very expensive, can you afford doing it alone?
  
• If you are using their computer, they may be able to see what you write. So don't be stupid. Also, remember that they are your family, and we are people from the internet. You may like us more, but short of marrying us, we won't be family - and you'll be dealing with your parents longer than us.

Thank you to those who contributed in the various threads these kind and helpful words of wisdom. If someone would like to contribute more, please add it at the bottom and I will update it here.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

NoSoup

Well put Cynth, 100% agreed.

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I have an aura of reliability and good judgement.

Just in case you were wondering...

Hard8s

The only way to parent is to parent. Don't complain until you have actually tried it. They are doing their best, with what they know.

Very well summarized, by the way.

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If ignorance is bliss, then wipe this smile off my face!

Bill O'Rights

*In a very bad, put on English accent*
Well said, Sir! Very well said. And a doff of the ol' derby to you, as well.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Skettios

Maybe also a gentle reminder that you need to be 18 to post on this board.

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Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

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ARTelevision

Cynthetiq speaks the TRUTH.
That post is a wake up call and free advice that can save many folks endless grief.
Thanks, man!

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create evolution

ubertuber

Practical advice:

If you are using their computer, they may be able to see what you write. So don't be stupid. Also, remember that they are your family, and we are people from the internet. You may like us more, but short of marrying us, we won't be family - and you'll be dealing with your parents longer than us.

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Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

SixEdxMia

MY parents would say good advice.

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Honey,We're home.

Diamond

Good advice... has anyone else noticed that the older you get, the more like your parents you are becoming?? scary

inharmony

And I always said I would never be like them Sound advice

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"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist."
Ghandi

"Things do not change: We change"
Henry David Thoreau

analog

I just now saw this for the first time, and the rules above are hilarious.

Suave

First of all, getting a job and getting out (effectively running away from your problems) is NOT the first and best option. The first and best option is discussing it with your parents in a mature fashion.

Secondly, parents don't necessarily treat their children like adults just because the children act like adults. Many times, the curfews, etc, are in place purely out of emotional security issues the parents have.

Thirdly, saying that your parents don't owe you anything is a bit much. They brought you into this world, and while you should be thankful for what they do give you, it is also, in my opinion, their responsibility to provide for you and try to give you the best start on life they can.

I do agree with the comment that parents are doing their best however, despite what might be seen as mishaps or screwups. They think it's best, so don't fault them for it in that regard.

I just had to make this post because of how strongly I disagreed with the majority of your statements. Not trying to bust your balls or anything, we just happen to have a difference of opinion.

krwlz

Suave, while I might tend to agree with you, Since we are all post-18 yrs of age here, I think everything Cyn says is... well, more or less 100%.

If there is an issue, working it out through reasonable discussion is definatly the best first option. But if the parents wont budge on an issue... See Rule Number 1.

Cynthetiq

It is harsh. Life is hard, I try to be harder.

Sure, I don't disagree with you but ultimately, My House My rules. As Eddie Murphy said 20 years ago, "Don't like it? Get the fuck out!"

let's take a look at your side of the argument.

You try talking to them. They won't budge. What do you do? Continue to complain about your situation? Great. That just annoys everyone else. Let's be realistic...what else can you do? Only option I see is to move. Am I missing another solution? I didn't run away from home, I chose to leave home and come up with my own house rules, ones that made sense to me and my lifestyle, not my parents. I am providing the only solution to accommodate my need to not have to answer to a higher authority.

So they impose this stuff on you. They have that prerogative. You don't like it, you try to talk to them they don't budge... Am I missing some other thing you can do again?

It's your opinion, but you're not X's father or mother, some people's parent's don't provide same or equal as other people. According to the statutes, parents are only legally obligated financially up until 18. Parents have to clothe, feed, and educate, it doesn't say that the kids have to have Abercombie and Fitch, organic filet mignon and free range chicken, and a Harvard education. Again, am I missing something here too?

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

mikec

Cynthetiq, AWESOME post!!! Very, very well put!!

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Thome

That's a very good post. I recently got in a number of bad situations with my parents, but by realising that I'm only living here by their mercy and not because I have a right, I'm now working with them rather than expecting them to work for me.

Ever since I've stopped acting victimised and put apon by my parents and accepted a bit of responsibility myself, my life's been better.

Janey

ahhh shades of John Houseman....

Janey

ahhhhh... uh uh naa. I can't agree with you. I've got to swing towards cynth's stance. While the points that you put forward are preferable (from a feel-good perspective) they are not absolute. While it would be nice to be able to dialogue or negotiate with your parents in this manner, the harsh reality is, that everything stated earlier is what will happen when all other options are expended.

I had to side with my nephew's friends mother yesterday. his friend was upset when her mother was suspicious about her use of MSN. She got annoyed and minimized the chat window. My nephew and his friend had a very strong and angry reaction to this 'uber-kontrol' by her mother. I simply asked my nephew: 'who's computer is it?' End of story. while he did not want to hear it, the harsh reality is the computer is not the child's and its use was a priviledge , not a right.

Unfortunately these lessons are usually learned the hard way, over time. I've noticed that kids don't relly appreciate their parents positions/struggles until they themselves have reached their mid '20's. Just around the time that the real crunch of life becomes evident, such as university bills, saving for mortgages, whle paying for rent and food, wanting to get married, buy a car.... wow coincidence?

~Lucian~

For the most part I agree. Get over it move out move on and live your own life. Moving out isn't running away from a problem, it's solving one. At some stage you'll have to pay for you're own crap, so if you have a prob at home, you're over 18, get out as soon as you can. Now's as good a time as any.

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Bagezio2

well you would think that 18-20 years of that would be enough...

and yes I know that it takes some people more time to get adjusted and all that but im talking about on average..

martinguerre

i have to say i'm not really convinced by the tone of this thread... suave is right to point out that basically, the situation being suggested is to walk away.

now, i'm all in favor of moving out of the house...it was the best thing to ever happen to my relationship with my folks since i was about 11 or so. that said, it didn't come at the expense of education or other opportunities, but as a result of them. so honestly...do we really want to suggest universally that the solution is cut and run?

parenting has a lot to do with respect, both getting and giving it. while this may be utilitarian advice for the people involved...it perpetuates a pretty odd view of things. i've never thought that being a little dictator was the goal of parenting, nor do i think this encourages proper development in to responsible adulthood.

nor can i imagine not bein involved in my kid's lives, including financially, after they turn 18. just becuase the state won't arrest me for not supporting them after that date doesn't mean i'm required to cut them off.

basically...the advice you're giving is functionally appropriate for those who are in the young adult, can't get along with the folks stage. but it doesn't ask questions about the long term cost of such a departure, nor does it ask parents why they've chosen to construct a particular view of parenting.

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-John 3:16

Cynthetiq

The point of this thread was not to ask the questions of the long term cost of such departure or even why parents do what they do, that is a disussion which is not what this thread was about, it was about clarifying the dozen or so posts that came around the inception of this thread of people whining about how the parents aren't given them space, room, money, new computer, college education funds, etc.

While you may feel the way that you do feel about parenting, there's a million other parents that feel the way they do and are entitled to do it by "their rules." Again this can bring different questions to the table. Ultimately when saddled with the questions of what to do, are there really any alternatives to what I've suggested that will actually move or propel one forward from the situation positive or negative? I think I covered all bases, if I missed one, I'm happy to explore it.

The questions of costs and parenting, you are welcome to explore that question in a different thread if it so interests you and I think it could be a worthy discussion, but again, ultimately when the parents get tired of "playing the game" they trump all cards with "my house, my rules."

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Mister Coaster

Pip pip, cheers, Long live the Queen and all that rot to Cynthetiq.

My daughter has just hit the ripe old age of three weeks, and I'm already dreading the conflicts that are coming my way. I, for one, will be playing the "My house, my rules" card early and often. So much is being said about kid's "rights to privacy." Bullshit. As long as my daughter is underage, she'll be provided for (a room, food, clothes ect) by me without question, and I will expect that in return that my rules be followed, also without question.

If she wants to continue after 18, there will be changes made, but my rules will still be enforced, whatever I decide upon then. I lived by my parent's rules for a long time (didn't move out until I was 27) and I broke them a few times. Guess what, the shit hit the fan and I had to suck it up and take the consequences because I knew I wasn't ready to be out in the world on my own. It was because of my mom's generosity that I was able to eventually afford to buy a place of my own rather than throwing money away on rent.

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Daoust

As a parent, I agree with everything you said. You speak the truth. But I specifically heartily agree with the above cropped statement. Everyone tries to blame someone else for their own effed up lives. It's always because of what so and so did. And most often, so and so is mom or dad or step mom or step dad. And that pisses me off. People who blame their parents for screwing up their lives are pathetic. They're just looking for an excuse so they can sleep better at night. The funny thing is people spend untold sums of money on psychologists and mental health experts to try and make sense of their lives, and it seems like the psychological 'go-to' answer is always the parents.

My parents were far from perfect. No doubt about it. There are things they did and said that had a profound effect on who and what I am, but in the end I made the decisions. If I'm warped or unstable or weak or a failure, it's MY fault in the end, no anyone elses...

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But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

Merlocke

Meh, I did exactly what Cynthetiq said and then some.

There was a point in time where I thought some of the rules set in place were unreasonable. I still think that they are even looking back on them now. But instead of bitching about it - I simply changed what I could at the time.

I paid for EVERYTHING outside of food and shelter since I was 16.
I put MYSELF through college working 5 jobs.
I MOVED out of the house, and got my own place.
I PAID for my own wedding.
I WORKED for hard for a good job.

and now that I own my own company...
My PARENTS work for ME.
Now, it's my company, my rules.

Apparently, they've taught me well.

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-=[ Merlocke ]=-

Midnight

*Thunderous applause for Merlocke*

I gave up a hell of a lot when I had my daughter. I was a young mother and made a choice for the BOTH of us by keeping her. My parents and I had horrific conflicts about their completely unreasonable rules and they truly were, unreasonable.

I got a job at 13 because a primary fight was about money.
I paid for my clothes, school supplies, school lunches, and any odd item that I might want/need from then on. Yes, my place to live and meals I took with the family were taken care of by them, but everything else was on my own. From THIRTEEN. All they managed to instill in me was resentment.

My daughter has quite a different life. Why? Because I don't ever want her to feel about me the way I did and occasionally still DO feel about my parents. On the odd occasion where I feel that I have the right to demand something of her, if it will not harm her or her chances for a good life in the future, I take a step back and have a good think about it first before putting my foot down. You see, I CHOSE for her to be here. she didn't ask to be born, or to be raised by me. I made that decision. and as far as I'm concerned, that puts me in a place of commitment TO her for as long as we are both living. I'm not saying that I expect her to be taken care of by me forever, but I have raised an independent creature that will be happy enough to set off on her own when the time is right, but will still be comfortable enough with me to return home if her life should require it.

Midnight

AKR

I've got no beef with my parents. Sure, they don't always think things through, and it get abit frustrating when they told me stuff like I should be running on the treadmill instead of outside, but damn, my parents were always there for me, they supported me in (almost) everything I did, hell, my dad even fronted me a grand for a good mountain bike! I've got nothing to complain about, looknig back.

Willravel

Well, within reason sure. Regardless if one owns a house they still must follow certain rules called laws. If you beat your children you cannot explain to the police, "My house, my rules!" I mean you can, but it's not going to help in court.
A big part of growing up is something called individuation. It's a time for young people to discover who they are. Part of that is formulating different opinions than your parents. It should be welcomed, but monitored, not attacked. Only a bad parent would ask their child to leave because they have differing opinions.
See #1.
If your parents promise something, get it in writing otherwise they might try to weasel out of it because they still ahven't learned how to respect you as an adult yet. Adults sue when there is a breach of contract.
Wrong. If your parents are breaking the law you owe it to them to call the police because they're raising you to be a responsible adult.
...but you're not responsible for how you were raised. If your parents fucked up on something, it's okay to admit that was their error and not your own.

ubertuber

Why so argumentative 4 years after the fact?

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Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

Willravel

Wait, you're asking me why I'm being argumentative? Bwahahah!!

But seriously, this advice needs tempering. While I may be a bit late to the party, I still feel that I may have helped the overall contribution of this thread.

Cynthetiq

Since this thread predisposes the reader is 18+, let's keep it within that realm.

The parent no longer has ANY OBLIGATION to house or feed their children after age 18. Do you disagree?

No where did I suggest that a parent ask their child to leave. Again, since the reader is 18+, where does ANY law state that a parent must house and feed an offsping past 18? A parent is doing such thing out of their own goodwill and good nature.

But again, Sure it's time for young people to discover who they are and have different opinions then their parents. You're free to have different opinions, just be ready and willing to back up your opinion with the ability to say, "I'm sorry but I disagree and can no longer live under this roof and these rules."

So you're advising that someone sue their parents? Talk about adding gasoline to the fire. You seriously belive that will help keep an 18+ adult on a good relationship and terms? You really think that the parent will not just say, "You know what, I've made the desicion for you, please leave."

So you call the police, again, who's going to pay for the mortgage, rent, car payments? Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. Seriously, you're talking about potentially jail, fines, or other repercussions. Do you again really believe that it will foster goodwill and better the realtionship and terms with their parents? Again, tyou really think that the parent will not just say, "You know what, I've made the desicion for you, please leave."

this is the only point I can agree with, I never said that it wasn't their parents fault, I stated that the individual is still responsible for their own situation and their own future. Their past, is past, and dwelling on it doesn't improve their current or future situation.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

girl_somebody

excellent post! very well said!

Iliftrocks

I love my parents, and I believe they did the best they could for me and my siblings. I don't agree with everything they did, but on the other hand, they never gave me the impression that they thought of themselves as perfect.

Sometimes you learn best by having a "bad" or should I say counter example. I'm not going to make the same mistakes they made.











I'm just going to go ahead and make my own mistakes, and hope my daughter understands.....

By the way, excellent posts, whining about parents is mostly a cop out. If we blame someone else for our problems, we don't have to take ownership of them, and do the work needed to fix ourselves. Sure other people do things to us that we don't like, but it is up to us, as adults, to deal with our issues, and own our own mistakes.

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."