RelaX

This might sound like a post by a teenager with typical teenage insecurities, but let me assure you upfront (for those not familiar with me), I am almost 20 now and my hormones are not what's troubling me.

The problem is that I don't know who I am. I mean, I don't know if there is anything that defines me... anything worthwile...
When going about my life and my daily interactions with other people I often find myself immitating others, I often go so far as to actually 'steal personalities', I act exactly as I think that other person would.

This is exhausting work. At one of my part time jobs I actually managed to copy the personality of a close friend (that never goes there and nobody there knows him) because I admire it. I admire the way he can be so sure and be so comfortable around other people.
And I actually like the result... I like myself when I act that way. But it's still acting, and he is an extrovert while I am an introvert. So after 8 hours, I am damn near dead from trying to act like an easy going extrovert.

The problem is that I have no sense of who I am, no 'this is me' voice inside. I don't know who I am, and will often be completely different people around different groups of people, based on what I think they want me to do.
This is all nice and gets you liked by many people, but it's not a great way to live. To constantly be aware of yourself and how you act and of others and what they might or might not be thinking about you.

I also did a LOT of personality test and the most meaningfull ones to me were the MBTI personality test (I am an INTP) and enneagram test (romantic, type 4 with a possible 5 wing). This tells me a lot about people like me and about some of the things I do and think, but none of this is helping me get that feeling of knowing who you are and liking yourself.

Is that just something you learn as time goes by?
I hope I am making any sense.

*sigh* Sometimes I think my emotional side needs a little growing up. Or at least some rationalisation.
Or maybe I should just not be so damned introverted and think about such questions as 'who am I?' and 'what is the meaning of my life?' and ask more normal questions like 'where the party at?' .

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Rodney

To a degree, a lot of people (I won't say everybody) do what you do, at least unconsciously. People pick up other peoples' personalities and adopt them temporarily all the time, in conversation and so on. If you stay around somebody else for a while, you'll note that they have widely different speech patterns when talking to different people. A lot of the time, they're imitating the other person (not all or even half the time, but a lot).

I don't know anybody who's tried to do this consciously. I never have. I have to agree with what you conclude, trying to do it consciously would be extremely exhausting. I suspect that you have an aptitude for mimcry that is above the average, and maybe also an above-average sense of empathy (not like you're necessarily a wonderful guy, but that you can read other people pretty well.) And you've developed all this into a skill at being other people -- that is, just like the people you're with. But like you say, it's hard, and after a while you have to wonder who "you" are.

Some people with these skills actually do well as actors. My wife, who spent some time in show biz, knew professional actors that didn't seem to have much personality of their own. They were so concerned with how others saw them -- it's actually what they need to do, in their profession -- that the "real" personality was hard to find.

If you want to find out who you are, I would suggest spending some time alone. What do you want to do when you're by yourself? Maybe a journal is a good idea -- after you're been with somebody and "been somebody else," write down what was easy and what was hard about being that person. What parts were good and what were bad. By a process of elimination, you may eventually be able to separate out the behaviors that you have that seem good and right _and natural_, on reflection. And that's probably you.

:::OshnSoul:::

Trust in yourself. Follow your feelings and passions. That will uncover and define Who You Are. Don't worry about what other people with think, react, say, etc. It takes a big dip and many questions to find out. But your feelings will tell you all.

idiono

I wasn't sure what to expect when I clicked on this thread but now I'm glad I did. It seems like I have a lot of things on common with what you're saying, RelaX. I've had the same type of experiences with not feeling like you know who you are, feeling like you have to emulate and adapt to others personalities, and taking those personality tests (I'm an INTJ) to try and help you figure it out, and I feel like I have helped myself found out a lot more about myself in recent years (I just turned 20), so please take my advice seriously here.

As far as the emulation of others goes, this is something I discovered when I was about 8 or 9 years old, and it confused me for a little while. After much thought and consideration on this, I eventually came to realize that we are all a mixture of the people we meet in our lives, at least to some degree. There are certain characteristics about someone you may admire, or things they say or do that you find particularly interesting. I realized that to try and reproduce these traits, or to strive to be and act more like them is a perfectly normal thing to do, and is one of the best forms of flattery. But on the other hand I can see this possibly going too far, to the point where you lose sight of yourself and your own personality. Something that might help you with this is to actually sit down and think about things you do or enjoy that are fairly unique to you, things that don't necessarily 'make you who you are,' but can give you a good idea what it is you like that other people may not. Using myself as an example, I can break this idea down like this:

I absolutely love playing frisbee golf
I'm a very good, safe driver
My favorite movies are Office Space, Donnie Darko, and Fight Club
I like wearing clothes that are blue because it matches my eyes
I love Subarus, especially Imprezas
Etc. etc.

Now although these are things that make me unique and different from other people, they are not things that make me 'who I am.' But still, defining your preferences in life and being proud of your opinions is a big step in figuring out your own personality, and furthering yourself from seeming so similar to others while you're around them. After all, there is no such thing as arguing opinions, because opinions are just that. They are not facts, they are ideas and beliefs which cannot be proven or disproven by anyone else, making them unique to you.

I'm not sure that this will solve any of your problem, but I tried, and I hope this advice is helpful to you.

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werd.

raeanna74

I didn't even know what I wanted to do with my life until I was 20. I didn't marry until I was 24. Only in the last two years have I become comfortable with myself. I'm 30 now. I still couldn't even put into words "who I am". It's just a sense of "I am". I exist. I have likes and dislikes that can change at whim. I'm constantly growing and changing and perfectly knowing who or what I am doesn't matter as much anymore. I am constantly learning about myself and those around me. My friends and family help to define me as well because the "Birds of a feather flock together" is so very true. Your friends and family influence what you do and like in so many ways and even unconciously. That's ok. You still get to choose your friends.

As a teenager and young adult in my early twenties I would do the same as you, trying on different personalities. I had one friend who was austrailian whom I hung out with a lot. I picked up his accent partly unconsiously and partly conciously refining it to the point that we had people ask us if we were brother and sister. It's no different than trying on clothes to figure out what you like and what you don't. It's a good way to explore who you are. Just as long as you don't fall into the trap of thinking that you have to act like someone else to be excepted. Trying on other personalities I think is very natural.

Working as a teacher I saw this a lot. When school started in the fall I could watch the students change their behaviors quite quickly to fit the behavior and attititudes of their friends in class. You could watch one boy walk into school and talk to a friend and when another friend of his came in that had a constant swagger and slouch the first boy would instantly slouch and develop a swagger. Whether it was unconsious or not doesn't matter too much. It's just something we tend to do.

Enjoy your search for who you are. It's a constant exciting quest. Personally I don't think it ever ends.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Coll Storm

What you need my friend, is a trip.

You need to pack your backpack, and go on a trip somwhere, by yourself. That's the best way to find out who you are, but to be honest with you... I'm still trying to find out who I am.

It never ends.... it may when you're on your deathbed, and you see the light, and get the whole... "seeing my life flash before my eyes" syndrome, that's when you truely know who you are, and you can be at peace with yourself.

Seriously... take a trip.

Polyphobic

I don't think this is that unusual. In high school I saw this time and time again. Eventually, everyone developed their own personality. I'm almost 30 and it is mostly complete. It wasn't until the last few years when I became more comfortable with whoever or whatever I am.
I think you should relax and enjoy life. This isn't something that important to stress out over (IMHO). Now, if you were 40 , it'd be a different story.

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<--The great infidel-->

ratbastid

Go do The Landmark Forum. <a href="http://www.landmarkeducation.com">Read more here.</a>

It's one weekend seminar all about making the right choices and discovering and pursuing what's important to you. I can't possibly recommend it highly enough. You're in the PERFECT spot to do it, too. You'll walk out of that weekend more YOURSELF than you've been since you were three years old.

ObDisclaimer: I'm not an employee, I'm an extremely satisfied customer.

Cynthetiq

http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/

the book was interesting, I read it after my 20s but still. it's pretty interesting and compelling.

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kalisto_911

Great thread!

I can relate to this a lot and it is something that I have pondered over quite a bit. I will graduate High School in a month and I am still in this full swing. I guess I will just wait and see what happens.

That Landmark Forum sounds cool but its a bit too pricy for me right now, maybe later in college.

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I know not how I may seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then finding a small bright pebble to content myself with. [Plato]

triad

woww RelaX i read this thread caught my eye because its exactly what i'm going through, and I'm like really all over the place now. I'll let you know if I figure anything helpful out, let me know if you find a good solution

maleficent

I don't think that people ever really and truly find out who they are, because we constantly change as we get older. I am a completely different person than I was at 17, 24, 32, to what I am now (pretty damn old) All you can really do is be the best person that you can be.

Copying another person's personality traits is not necessarily a bad thing, however, it can be a little troubling in that it's an easy way out in your journey in discovering who you really are. Are they admirable traits that you are picking up?

Keep a journal (that's a blog for us old folk) write in it once a week, or even once a day if you have the time, you don't have to write anything fancy, just write about your day, and how you felt doing certain things. Did you go to the grocery store? did you talk to the cute person in line? How'd that make you feel? By recording your day, and reading thru it at the end of the month or more (don't read it daily)_ you'll start to get an idea of things that made you happy, things that annoyed you, things that made you sad, it's a start on your journey as to finding out who your are.

You're still quite young, you have a lot of discovery years ahead of you, don't rush them. Don't lose yourself in trying to be someone else. People will like you just find, and if they don't, it's their loss, not yours.

Honestly, online quizzes probably do more harm than good, those tests are generally for fun, if you took the test again in a few weeks, you will probably get different results, those tests, especially the MBTI types, are really only effective when administered by a professional, who can judge your reactions whilst giving the test.

Don't be in such a hurry to find out who you are, just enjoy getting to know the person you are becoming along the way.

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ixion

I'm going through the same sort of thing right now, my interests are always changing. Sometimes it's hard to relate to people because I don't seem to share common interests with anyone.

For example, I met this girl a few weeks ago that I really seemed to hit it off with, things started out great for the first week or two, but now we hardly talk because we don't have a lot in common. Now I'm at the point where I'm about to write her off as a lost cause.

How can some people be so sure of themselves all the time? I just don't get the same level of emotional response as most people about anything, as a result I don't have a lot of strong interests that stick.

maleficent

Most people, are not sure of themselves at all, they are just better actors than others. If a person says they have no insecurities, then they either have the biggest ego in the world or are a liar.


It's OK to not have strong interests, you haven't found the right one yet, no reason to settle. Keep exploring your interests and other people who have that interest, you will eventually find something that you are passionate about. When yu do, the people who share those interests will also come.

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majik_6

I'm glad I clicked on this thread, because it really asks a lot of questions that I've asked myself NUMEROUS times.

Although I tend to have a unique personality, and most people comment on my ability to be "me", I also have a tendency to pick up accents, catch phrases, or general patterns (in speech, behavior, personality) of those around me, especially people I respect or admire. Sometimes, it's helpful, as long as I can see what part of that new pattern fits me as an individual.

As has been mentioned, we're really just an amalgamation of the influences and experiences that we've been through. Each person that we have significant contact with really shapes who we are and how we act, and I think that's totally normal.

Also, as for being comfortable with yourself, that takes time. I was always very uncomfortable with myself, especially my physical appearance. I had gotten my personality to a point that I felt somewhat happy with in high school, but still hated what I saw in the mirror.

For me, the answer to that was to change what I saw. I took control of my physical self by losing a large amount of weight at first. This led to me totally changing my appearance and style of dress. This gave me a lot of new found confidence, although I still didn't exactly like what I saw in the mirror. Eventually, however, I started noticing that people I found attractive and whose opinions I believed and respected started to find me attractive not only for my personality but for the physical "me".

I'm not going to tell you that the way you look is everything, but if you can't be comfortable with that, then it's hard to be comfortable with anything else. Once you start to not only accept, but enjoy the way you look, act, think, etc. you'll notice other people doing the same. And one day you'll just realize "Hey, this is who I am, and by God, I like it".

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