This might sound like a post by a teenager with typical teenage insecurities, but let me assure you upfront (for those not familiar with me), I am almost 20 now and my hormones are not what's troubling me.
The problem is that I don't know who I am. I mean, I don't know if there is anything that defines me... anything worthwile...
When going about my life and my daily interactions with other people I often find myself immitating others, I often go so far as to actually 'steal personalities', I act exactly as I think that other person would.
This is exhausting work. At one of my part time jobs I actually managed to copy the personality of a close friend (that never goes there and nobody there knows him) because I admire it. I admire the way he can be so sure and be so comfortable around other people.
And I actually like the result... I like myself when I act that way. But it's still acting, and he is an extrovert while I am an introvert. So after 8 hours, I am damn near dead from trying to act like an easy going extrovert.
The problem is that I have no sense of who I am, no 'this is me' voice inside. I don't know who I am, and will often be completely different people around different groups of people, based on what I think they want me to do.
This is all nice and gets you liked by many people, but it's not a great way to live. To constantly be aware of yourself and how you act and of others and what they might or might not be thinking about you.
I also did a LOT of personality test and the most meaningfull ones to me were the MBTI personality test (I am an INTP) and enneagram test (romantic, type 4 with a possible 5 wing). This tells me a lot about people like me and about some of the things I do and think, but none of this is helping me get that feeling of knowing who you are and liking yourself.
Is that just something you learn as time goes by?
I hope I am making any sense.
*sigh* Sometimes I think my emotional side needs a little growing up. Or at least some rationalisation.
Or maybe I should just not be so damned introverted and think about such questions as 'who am I?' and 'what is the meaning of my life?' and ask more normal questions like 'where the party at?'
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