jumprun

My wife told me yesterday that she doesn't love me enough to stay together.

She said she can't continuing being dishonest to herself and to me.

To say I'm in denial is putting is mildy. I so much want for her to take back what she said, to say that we can work on it, not to break apart our family, but at the same time, I can't expect her to be somewhere she doesn't want to be.

To look ahead and see a life living without her is crushing. There is so much we wanted to do. So much we had plans for. Maybe that was the problem. Our optimism came from how things would be. Maybe we didn't spend enough time on us in the present.

So do me a favour folks. Tell them how much you love them. Hold them like to don't ever want to let go. Don't ever take your love for granted.

I really hope it doesn't get any worse than it is right now.

moonstrucksoul

i have been exactly where you are. talk to her, find out what is making all this happen. see what can be changed, but it is up to you to decide whether you can roll with the punches. odds are that someone else is making her feel more important than you do. this is a situation that can be reversed if you are both willing to try.

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Cynthetiq

Sorry to hear that man.

i live each moment as if it were my last, each moment i have to tell loved ones that i love them i do.

take some time to find out just what happened, looking at the future and not making any progress towards it can be very disasterous.

take time. breath, and be patient.

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sillygirl

My heart goes out to you. Be strong. *hugs* your way

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

:::OshnSoul:::

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad (can't tell you in words how thankful I am) that we chose to work through it. I don't know what I'd do without him.


I am so sorry to hear that this has happened. All you can do is show her how much you mean to her by analyzing yourself and seeing what you can change that could make more of a chance of getting back together with her. Best of wishes.

ratbastid

Is this relationship worth going to bat for? Worth fighting for?

If the answer is yes, then the next question is what are you waiting for? Are you going to roll over and give up? Or are you going to stand up like a man, give her absolutely everything and anything she needs, and make the relationship work?

There was a time, maybe about a year and a half ago, that lurkette and I were very close to ending it. We had a no bullshit conversation in which breaking up (and everything that comes with it in a then 6-year marriage) was very much on the table. I can't really speak for her, but what I saw was that I hadn't been being a husband for a long, long time. I hadn't taken care of her, been attentive to her, respected and fulfilled her needs... In short, I'd taken her for granted.

By the end of that conversation, our marriage was stronger than it had ever been, and it's stayed that strong ever since. We're now both very, very clear that there is NO challenge life can throw at us that we can't face and conquer. And we're out LOOKING for challenges now, because we know they're an opportunity for us to grow.

That's all this is: a challenge, and an opportunity to grow. It's also an opportunity to roll over and be a victim to life. The choice is entirely yours.

lurkette

I love that man.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

:::OshnSoul:::

Good words, ratbastid

jumprun

I think I'm doing everything that I can.

I've suggested that she take some time away from the family - something that she has wanted to do for a very long time but could never do. She had a child in her early 20s and has never really had any alone time to spend on herself.

I think that her lost love is a symptom of being frustrated over not having any control in her life. Her son has to spend time with his father who is mentally abusive and there is nothing she can do about that.

I think she's just at her wits end, feeling like she has absolutely no control over her life - and her trying to end our relationship is a way to exert some control.

I'm willing to do what ever it takes to save our marriage, but as I've said to her, the ultimate decision is her's.

I think she needs to figure out what can she live with:

1. Splitting up our family to satisfy her need for self control.
2. Staying together and trying to find a way to live with the idea of not being able to put herself first.

b1naryb0r1s

I feel for you and I wish you the best.

I just had the unfortunate incident of my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years leave me for another guy. I do not wish this pain on anyone.

Good luck and I pray that she chooses to stay with you and you guys can work things through.

best wishes,
b0r1s

cj22009

Im in the same boat as you jump i feel your pain my wife basicly told me the same thing a couple of weeks ago you situation may be diffrent but I soon came to realize it would probably best thing to do

sexymama

I'm confused -- if what she needs is control over her life and you love and want her so badly, why aren't you giving her that control? Why are you saying she has two choices, the second being "find a way to live with the idea of not being able to put herself first"? Why can't she put herself first and still be married? How can you help her put herself first?

I think you have a good idea in giving her a "break." But don't just do it for a weekend now -- make a commitment to a break once a month, a quarter, a year -- whatever works for both of you. When your wife learns to care for herself better and have control of her life -- she will have more time and energy to focus on you and the child.

Maybe she would consider going to counseling with you and working on these issues. They are not insurmountable -- just daunting.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

jumprun

I'm confused too sexymama.

I think just the idea of being married means to her that she is not in control.

She was telling me last night that she works with someone who is married, has a nice house, are expecting a child soon and have told her "This is the house that we are going to raise our children in". She admires that, but that absolutely scares the crap out of her.

That is much like what we have and she equates it to being given a book of her life that is already written and being told "There you go. There is your life". She thinking is "how can you really live when you know how it's going to turn out in the end?"

But when I bring up the reality of the situation - that she will be a single mom looking after 2 children (one 10 and one 3) with an income that would make providing for them very difficult, then how is that "living".

She doesn't want to face reality. She believes that if she listens to what her soul is saying, then everything will fall into place.

I have asked her that we and her seek counselling. I have told her many times that I'm willing to do whatever it takes - no matter what. But in the end, if someone just doesn't what to be there, then there is nothing anyone can do.

:::OshnSoul:::

So why did she have to choose a divorce? That's not going to make her life any easier.
Does it have to do with you? If not, then why is she leaving..........
Does she realize what an effect this will have on your children???? That's what really matters most.

ratbastid

Here's the part she's not getting.

She already knows how life is going to turn out in the end. She's going to die. They'll stick her in a hole in the ground, they'll throw dirt in her face, they'll cry for an hour or so, and then they'll go to Denny's. That's how life will turn out. Mystery over.

The question is, what is she going to do between now and then?

maleficent

If you think the marriage is worth saving, then save it. Loving someone isn't enough, you have to like the other person too, that is generally more difficult.

Have you considered marriage counseling, you both sound like you have some issues to work out, sometimes having the two of you talk to a neutral third party makes it easier. Talk to a therapist, a minister, someone who can help you both get to the root of what the problem is.

Don't try to diagnose why you think she wants out, cause you could be completely off base, the two of you need to talk to someone who's in a position to help.

Why are those the only two options?

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jumprun

Because she believes that those are the only options. Leave and be happy or stay and be miserable.

But as many people have pointed out, and I failed to see, there is another man!

Yup, she has been seeing someone else on the side.

Oh well, I should have seen that one, but I didn't.

Stick a fork in it, it's done!!

Thanks everyone for all your help. I think I can take it from here.

Mephisto2

Perhaps one of the most insightful things posted on TFP.

Many people forget this.


Mr Mephisto