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Old 04-09-2004, 10:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
Loser
 
Coming to terms with myself

First off, I'd just like to thank Hal, and all of the other people here at TFP that make things like this possible. Under no other circumstance would I ever be so open and expressive without fear of disappointment or harsh criticism regarding serious issues.

I have reached the absolute low point in my life. The difficulty level and amount of school work has prevented me from enjoying and experiencing college whatsoever. I love my school, but hate the classes and all the stress associated with it.

There are a lot of issues going on back at home, 11 hours from where I attend school. A grandmother who's age is finally catching up with her, a father who has struggled with smoking and cancer his entire life, and a sister in her 20's who's been struggling to support a beautiful 6 year old son while now battling cancer for her third time. My mother and other sister, like myself, suffer from severe anxiety and depression for which we are medicated.

I recently lost the woman I should have spent the rest of my life with. I left her as the result of me being unsure whether or not I could be 100% dedicated to her for the rest of my life; after all, I was just starting the "college experience," and would never want to hurt her by cheating. In no time at all, I realized that she was the girl of my dreams, but when trying to get her back, I was faced with the harsh reality that she had no desire to do the same. She "still loves me," but is already involved with someone else back home.

Without her, I can't even remember the last time I had sex. It wasn't so much the sex, as it was having someone to hold. I often find myself admist my insomnia, squeezing a pillow tightly next to me in bed, imagining myself running my fingers through her hair, and giving her those delicate kisses in her sleep.

Still being absolutely infatuated with her, my confidence and esteem is no longer existant, with the exception of my ability to build and work with things mechanical. I can't so much as think of approaching a girl without feeling nauseous.

I have absolutely no energy or will to get up. The horrendous buzzing goes off at 7:50 every morning, followed by an "I wish I were dead," just so I'd never have to awaken to the horrible noise again. I go to class in a trance, return and do work to all hours, then start the process all over again.

Never before in my life have I become so emotionally overwhelmed, not on the outside, but within. I rarely cry, rarely lash out towards anyone else. I would always just swallow it down and move on. But now, it's coming to the surface, literally.

I've resorted to self mutilation, or "cutting" as some may refer to it. I had first stared in the mirror, having accidentally cut myself with the razor. Seeing the blood, thinking of how it stung, I realized, I was in control of that pain. With the blade of a fresh disposable razor, pried from its plastic housing, I began to carve, first light scratches and slashes into my ankle. The pain felt good. I was experiencing pain that I could control, and that I could relate to an actual physical feeling, not just an emotion stuffed inside of me by the things around me.

I began to make deeper cuts in my shoulder, right around this time usually as I browsed TFP and my other few forums, often listening to some darker music. As time progressed, I began to carve into my right thigh, no longer random slashes, but more intricate things. Each carving symbolic of a thought or idea running through my head, and each one stamped repeatedly onto the back of a kleenex or a paper towel while the others were asleep.

I know that its not healthy, physically or emotionally. These are scars that I'm going to have with me for the rest of my life. I want to stop, but its my only relief. I want to go out and meet new women. I want to sit and chat with the cute blonde girl from the 23rd floor, but after a 2 year, 3 month relationship that should have lasted a lifetime, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I want to be able to live my life, without every second being filled with thoughts of death, failure, or loneliness.


I apologize for the long winded post, I just really needed to vent and find a way to be honest with myself. Posting here and actually seeing my feelings and thoughts logically laid out, instead of their usual racing through my head all at once, really puts a new perspective on things.
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Old 04-10-2004, 01:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: SFBA, California
Pound your way through college and bury yourself in your school work. It'll help you keep your mind off things while time smooths over the big lumps. Other than that I'd say choose between religion or therapy to keep you afloat.
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Old 04-10-2004, 05:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I must admit to being torn between replying to your post, and giving into the fear of failing to give good advice. Just as in a physical community, we all need to help each other, and that has outweighed my trepidation here.
You seem to have a clinical depression, but one based on perception, rather than chemical imbalance.

I am not a psycologist, and would like you to take this advice as a friend talking to a friend, not as a perscription.

I was in a failing marriage, which created many of the feelings you are experiencing for several years. In years three of seven I came to a realization. I had been under the belief that I had no control over the negativity, and black times I was going thru. One day I came to understand that I was actually the ONLY one who had control. All the emotions and depression I felt was a result of mental patterns I "allowed" to dwell in my mind.
After reading much eastern literature, I understood that if I thought of life in a different way, I could be happy, and content with my situation. The key to all this was understanding that the events in my life were not negative, but neccessary for growth. I began to evaluate the path of my life and came to the realization that there was nothing truly wrong, and I was simply blind to the benefits of experience.
Life will have many trials, and we have but two choices in them.

1) let the trials of life guide our mindset, and become bogged down in the hardship.

2) Live the trials and try to understand the "why" of it all. Grow as a person by learning from the experience.

If you really think about it, Life is nothing but a stream of experience. It is up to us to change the way we percieve these experiences if they are hampering our growth.

I know this is of little value right now, and please take it for what it is, Just another perspective from someone who actually cares to share. There is only one person who has the answer that will work for you, and I think you know who that is.
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Last edited by tecoyah; 04-10-2004 at 05:22 AM..
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Old 04-10-2004, 06:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Charleston, SC
All of us have our inner demons to face. Some people get through life without ever having to come to terms with them, others struggle everyday to overcome them.

I too struggle on a daily basis to "get through" the day. You have to tell yourself that there is something beyond what you are dealing with now. I believe in you. But YOU have to believe in you.

Understand also that there are many people like yourself you are not alone.

1)I also was involved in a long term relationship (6 years) and it ended right before we were supposed to be married. Know that there is not just one person out there for you. Like me, you will find the right one IN TIME. I cannot stress this enough. You are young you have soooo much time to find the one. I dont think this girl was that one for you. You are regretting your decision now only bc you dont have someone at the present time. You WILL find this person.

2)I too have depression and anxiety. It also runs in my family. I cannot stress enough how importent it is to talk this all out with a therapist or someone you trust. You have got to snap out of what you are doing to yourself and regain control on your life. It is YOUR life and no one elses.

3)Self mutilation is only going to bring you farther down. This is no answer to what you are feeling. While it feels like you are in control of what you are doing to yourself, quite the opposite is actually happening. You need to regain control once again to end all this.

I really want to help you and I am sure many others here feel the same. You have many people here who care what happens to you.

Please PM if you ever need to talk or send me an email.
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Old 04-10-2004, 07:32 AM   #5 (permalink)
change is hard.
 
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Location: the green room.
Wow...

I'm praying for you.

This isn't in comparison but this year a person I thought I would be with for the rest of my life left me for no reason. I went through a haze of drinking every second night and almost flunking out of every class. My mom and dad were divorced half way through this haze and most days, instead of going out with my friends, I would just lay on my bead and breathe, and think about how much pain I was in.

Tough times pass, I know what really brought me out of it was, one, giving up drinking and sex because it just seems to leave me empty. Two, I started to go to church and now God takes care of me and three, I cried... alot, for hours at a time. I'm a football player, six foot four and 249. It helps alot, it releases everything that your holding to.

Good luck friend and PM if you ever want to talk to me. Again, I'm praying for you!
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Old 04-10-2004, 11:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
/nɑndəsˈkrɪpt/
 
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A lot of what you said I can really relate to. It's a bit scary to see someone write things that look like something I could have written, not that long ago. Scary because you realize how badly off they are, because you've been there yourself and know that road. The cutting, the 'dark music', the loneliness, the empty trance...all rings a familiar bell.

I don't claim to know what it's like for you, but I know what it's like for me. Feel free to PM if you need to vent.

I've no fantastic advice to offer, but then I know you weren't looking for any. Proud of you for opening up the way you did.
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