A lot of what you said I can really relate to. It's a bit scary to see someone write things that look like something I could have written, not that long ago. Scary because you realize how badly off they are, because you've been there yourself and know that road. The cutting, the 'dark music', the loneliness, the empty trance...all rings a familiar bell.
I don't claim to know what it's like for you, but I know what it's like for me. Feel free to PM if you need to vent.
I've no fantastic advice to offer, but then I know you weren't looking for any. Proud of you for opening up the way you did.
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Who is John Galt?
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