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WarWagon · 04-09-2004, 10:55 PM

First off, I'd just like to thank Hal, and all of the other people here at TFP that make things like this possible. Under no other circumstance would I ever be so open and expressive without fear of disappointment or harsh criticism regarding serious issues.

I have reached the absolute low point in my life. The difficulty level and amount of school work has prevented me from enjoying and experiencing college whatsoever. I love my school, but hate the classes and all the stress associated with it.

There are a lot of issues going on back at home, 11 hours from where I attend school. A grandmother who's age is finally catching up with her, a father who has struggled with smoking and cancer his entire life, and a sister in her 20's who's been struggling to support a beautiful 6 year old son while now battling cancer for her third time. My mother and other sister, like myself, suffer from severe anxiety and depression for which we are medicated.

I recently lost the woman I should have spent the rest of my life with. I left her as the result of me being unsure whether or not I could be 100% dedicated to her for the rest of my life; after all, I was just starting the "college experience," and would never want to hurt her by cheating. In no time at all, I realized that she was the girl of my dreams, but when trying to get her back, I was faced with the harsh reality that she had no desire to do the same. She "still loves me," but is already involved with someone else back home.

Without her, I can't even remember the last time I had sex. It wasn't so much the sex, as it was having someone to hold. I often find myself admist my insomnia, squeezing a pillow tightly next to me in bed, imagining myself running my fingers through her hair, and giving her those delicate kisses in her sleep.

Still being absolutely infatuated with her, my confidence and esteem is no longer existant, with the exception of my ability to build and work with things mechanical. I can't so much as think of approaching a girl without feeling nauseous.

I have absolutely no energy or will to get up. The horrendous buzzing goes off at 7:50 every morning, followed by an "I wish I were dead," just so I'd never have to awaken to the horrible noise again. I go to class in a trance, return and do work to all hours, then start the process all over again.

Never before in my life have I become so emotionally overwhelmed, not on the outside, but within. I rarely cry, rarely lash out towards anyone else. I would always just swallow it down and move on. But now, it's coming to the surface, literally.

I've resorted to self mutilation, or "cutting" as some may refer to it. I had first stared in the mirror, having accidentally cut myself with the razor. Seeing the blood, thinking of how it stung, I realized, I was in control of that pain. With the blade of a fresh disposable razor, pried from its plastic housing, I began to carve, first light scratches and slashes into my ankle. The pain felt good. I was experiencing pain that I could control, and that I could relate to an actual physical feeling, not just an emotion stuffed inside of me by the things around me.

I began to make deeper cuts in my shoulder, right around this time usually as I browsed TFP and my other few forums, often listening to some darker music. As time progressed, I began to carve into my right thigh, no longer random slashes, but more intricate things. Each carving symbolic of a thought or idea running through my head, and each one stamped repeatedly onto the back of a kleenex or a paper towel while the others were asleep.

I know that its not healthy, physically or emotionally. These are scars that I'm going to have with me for the rest of my life. I want to stop, but its my only relief. I want to go out and meet new women. I want to sit and chat with the cute blonde girl from the 23rd floor, but after a 2 year, 3 month relationship that should have lasted a lifetime, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I want to be able to live my life, without every second being filled with thoughts of death, failure, or loneliness.

I apologize for the long winded post, I just really needed to vent and find a way to be honest with myself. Posting here and actually seeing my feelings and thoughts logically laid out, instead of their usual racing through my head all at once, really puts a new perspective on things.

04-09-2004, 10:55 PM	#1 (permalink)
WarWagon Loser	Coming to terms with myself First off, I'd just like to thank Hal, and all of the other people here at TFP that make things like this possible. Under no other circumstance would I ever be so open and expressive without fear of disappointment or harsh criticism regarding serious issues. I have reached the absolute low point in my life. The difficulty level and amount of school work has prevented me from enjoying and experiencing college whatsoever. I love my school, but hate the classes and all the stress associated with it. There are a lot of issues going on back at home, 11 hours from where I attend school. A grandmother who's age is finally catching up with her, a father who has struggled with smoking and cancer his entire life, and a sister in her 20's who's been struggling to support a beautiful 6 year old son while now battling cancer for her third time. My mother and other sister, like myself, suffer from severe anxiety and depression for which we are medicated. I recently lost the woman I should have spent the rest of my life with. I left her as the result of me being unsure whether or not I could be 100% dedicated to her for the rest of my life; after all, I was just starting the "college experience," and would never want to hurt her by cheating. In no time at all, I realized that she was the girl of my dreams, but when trying to get her back, I was faced with the harsh reality that she had no desire to do the same. She "still loves me," but is already involved with someone else back home. Without her, I can't even remember the last time I had sex. It wasn't so much the sex, as it was having someone to hold. I often find myself admist my insomnia, squeezing a pillow tightly next to me in bed, imagining myself running my fingers through her hair, and giving her those delicate kisses in her sleep. Still being absolutely infatuated with her, my confidence and esteem is no longer existant, with the exception of my ability to build and work with things mechanical. I can't so much as think of approaching a girl without feeling nauseous. I have absolutely no energy or will to get up. The horrendous buzzing goes off at 7:50 every morning, followed by an "I wish I were dead," just so I'd never have to awaken to the horrible noise again. I go to class in a trance, return and do work to all hours, then start the process all over again. Never before in my life have I become so emotionally overwhelmed, not on the outside, but within. I rarely cry, rarely lash out towards anyone else. I would always just swallow it down and move on. But now, it's coming to the surface, literally. I've resorted to self mutilation, or "cutting" as some may refer to it. I had first stared in the mirror, having accidentally cut myself with the razor. Seeing the blood, thinking of how it stung, I realized, I was in control of that pain. With the blade of a fresh disposable razor, pried from its plastic housing, I began to carve, first light scratches and slashes into my ankle. The pain felt good. I was experiencing pain that I could control, and that I could relate to an actual physical feeling, not just an emotion stuffed inside of me by the things around me. I began to make deeper cuts in my shoulder, right around this time usually as I browsed TFP and my other few forums, often listening to some darker music. As time progressed, I began to carve into my right thigh, no longer random slashes, but more intricate things. Each carving symbolic of a thought or idea running through my head, and each one stamped repeatedly onto the back of a kleenex or a paper towel while the others were asleep. I know that its not healthy, physically or emotionally. These are scars that I'm going to have with me for the rest of my life. I want to stop, but its my only relief. I want to go out and meet new women. I want to sit and chat with the cute blonde girl from the 23rd floor, but after a 2 year, 3 month relationship that should have lasted a lifetime, I just can't bring myself to do it. I want to be able to live my life, without every second being filled with thoughts of death, failure, or loneliness. I apologize for the long winded post, I just really needed to vent and find a way to be honest with myself. Posting here and actually seeing my feelings and thoughts logically laid out, instead of their usual racing through my head all at once, really puts a new perspective on things.