beavstrokinoff

I'm 42yo, married, 3 kids, been at the same job since 1993 with a couple years off in the middle. Live in a small town where the population is about 30k within 100km radius but it's a fucking awesome place to live & I'm not about to move to a city. I'm 20% owner of the electrical enigineering company I work for that employs 35 people throughout the province. I'm supposed to put in 32 hours/week but rarely do. I've got a mortgauge with about $30k remaining on a $500k property. Pretty fucking sweet life really.

My wife is awesome, beautiful, talented, athletic, great mom, I love her lots like to hang out with her. However, my sex life sucks, I get it about twice/month, I've tried talking my wife into more frequency and more variety but it's pretty white bread. Lately I tried getting her to shave or at least trim some of her jungle of pubes to no avail. I try engaging her in conversation about it and she just shuts down and goes to sleep with no closure to any potential argument. I often feel like putting my feet up against her back and sending her off the bed.

I'm fucking hating my job. At work this month I've done about 10 hours of chargeable work and surfed the internet pretty much all the rest of the time. I chat a lot with strange women who I'd like nothing more than to fuck thier brains out. I've met one and fucked her a couple times and that was nice but I feel shitty about it. I'll probably keep fucking her cause it's one of the only things I'm enjoying lately other than riding my mt. bike fast down hill.

I'm realy tempted to say fuck it all and quit my job, get a divorce and go learn to surf/ski/mt bike and waste the next few years of my life living out of a van but I'm not sure that is such a good idea. Child support payments would soon clean me out & I'd have to work again. I'd also miss my kids.

So I'm kinda feeling lost and do not have a clue what the fuck I should do.

Anyone here have any similar experience or sage advice?

dlish

ive felt some of the things you've felt over the years. Its a 'normal' to question the status quo, but thats part of life. Many moons ago, i wanted to give it all up and work on a fishing vessel. I'm glad i didnt opt for that one.

speak to a proffesional. By the sounds of it, you may be going through some sort of depression.

Haste decisions will only make your life worse, so have a long hard think about why you want to do it and the effect it will have on those you love. Making decisions in this frame of mind will only cause further heartache.

as for the house, if your wife finds out youve been unfaithful, you might lose more than just half the house, depending on where you live. you'll lose your kids, and you'll live a state of regret soon enough.

IF you decide to go through with your decisions, make only one. Making numerous questionable decisions is a clusterfuck waiting to happen.

but like i said, see a professional now, before things get worse.

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intellijence

I've been struggling with a problem I would consider a bit similar. Existential crisis or something along the lines of that. Purpose, meaning, value, etc. I went and spoke with a therapist for a year or so, I didn't need that much time, it was just an easy relaxing time where I paid (mostly covered by health insurance) a professional to listen to me ramble and received some answers on how to not be upset all the time.

I would recommend you possibly do the same. If not a therapist, then a religious leader (if you practice). Someone you can speak to without having to censor your thoughts or feelings. Many times they can help in different aspects of your life and help you find ways to communicate with your significant other or by being an intermediary between you two (marriage counseling).

Take some time off. One or two weeks, maybe a month. Set up a video chat thing with laptops to stay in touch with your children (and get in touch with them often). Experience a different way of life and see how other people have to endure the hardships of everyday life. Experience suffering first hand...it will give you an appreciation for the life you have around you. Also take time to enjoy life by yourself for a little while. Escape. Go surfing, skiing and mountain biking (can probably do all three in California).

As for your job, develop a hobby or research other parts of the world if you have so much free time. Porn and loose women are only a quick way to take your mind off of the problems you should be addressing sooner rather than later. They also tend to bring you further down rather than giving you actual happiness.

But in my opinion I think it would be cowardly to abandon your family. Taking the easy way out teaches you nothing. I've thought about throwing it all away but I would not be able to deal with how I would hurt all of those around me who care for me. Your family cares for you and I'm sure you're children would be devastated if their father got up and left the household never to be seen again. A neighbor of mine had his wife simply say she was done with the family and she moved to Arizona with her sister, leaving her entire life behind her. I don't know if she stays in contact with her children, but at ages 11 and 13 it can't be easy to live without a mother. Those years are confusing enough as it is.

This is something you can work through. You just have to bite the bullet and find the help you want. It all comes down to you.

I don't know what kind of music you listen to, or if you listen to any at all, but I've been recommending a lot of songs to people today for some reason. Perhaps you might like this one:

Atmosphere - "Modern Man's Hustle"

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Craven Morehead

Find something that inspires you that you can do within the life you have. Its out there. Look for it. Charity, politics, take music or art classes. Find somewhere positive to channel what's inside you. You're bored because life if good, easy and predicable. Do you really want that to vanish? No! You need to add to it. Add something to your life that will take you to a new level.


Good luck.

Wes Mantooth

Maybe you just need a vacation? Sometimes just getting away, waking up in a different bed, in a different town with a different routine can go a long way to recharging your batteries. A routine, especially one that seems practically unending, can really drag a person down. You get bored, careless, and feel almost like you're just sleep walking through life...then you wake up one day, realize it and try to play catch up with you own life only to figure out you can't do that without fucking up a whole bunch of stuff you love, want and need. I know that's hard to do, especially with a family but if it means your sanity, keeping a family together that you love, and not destroying everything you've worked so hard to build over the years it might be worth a try.

Take a week, get away and do something that YOU want to do. Learn to ski/surf and let your responsibiliies take a back seat for just a short time. That might be just enough to recharge your batteries and give you a renewed perspective on your life.

I hope it works out for you, best of luck.

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Boggy

Uhh... no, I don't wish you the "best of luck".... You have what millions of people would and do die for. I have ZERO respect for cheaters, let alone someone who has it as good as you and still cheats.
Grow the fuck up and be a man. You have a family for fucks sake.

Halanna

I'm not convinced this is an actual mid life crisis. . . . yet.

All the biggies are there, you love your wife, obviously love your kids, great job, financially secure, love your town and you said it yourself, "pretty fucking sweet life really".

Your complaint seems to be with your sex life. Possibly unknowingly, your self esteem is taking a big hit and being resurrected by your online "affairs" and your real life one.

Either way, everything in your post points to your sex life, or lack thereof as the problem, and possibly it's your writing style, but there seems to be some anger there too. Your mad and want to chuck your whole life because you are dissatisfied.

In general, I'm not a fan of counseling, but in this situation possibly you could benefit. Maybe you should go by yourself first, you could be bringing up the topic of sex wrong or in a way that makes your wife shut down. Then I'd suggest couples counseling, and for you to be open with your wife. Make it perfectly clear that the sex life you share is not meeting your needs, etc. etc.

At this point, if you have any hope of saving your marriage, salavaging the life you now lead, you need to stop having affairs, stop having virtual affairs and figure out how to fix what you have. What you are doing is not going to work.

WinchesterAA

I'm probably a lot younger than you, and far less experienced in just about everything, but.. been with the girl for 4 years and I've faced similar circumstances myself.. circumstances where everything is great, but it's all shit for some reason. Even the girl is great, except for one or two issues, which really nuke the rest of everything else I'm doing..

A.) Not much sex, sex that's had is lame and uncomfortable
B.) Cheating

I'm beginning to realize that the only way a person like me is really ever going to be happy, is if I can maintain liquidity in my life. I like to change the entire concept of how I operate from time to time. Sometimes the decisions of whether to keep or not to keep elements of the old lifestyle are painful, nauseating in certain circumstances, but nevertheless must be made.

Move boldly, and without regret for any decisions you make. You only have one life here, and I dare say it isn't worth it to you to spend the majority of it wondering what the fuck else you could be doing besides submitting to the grueling torture of excessive disinterest, or regret.


The girl is the main thing to me.. I'm fairly certain I appreciate the idea of my girlfriend more so than my girlfriend herself. She's adorable and whatnot in my imagination, but in real life she's basically a scripted rag-doll that pesters the shit out of me relentlessly. It isn't until I make her sad/disappointed that I remember she's human at all, because you can't script tears, or maybe even that's fake too, fuck if I know, but when I'm focused on things like this, everything else about my life seems equally as worthless as my relationship with the girl.


Most importantly, you don't need to pay someone to listen to you try to piece together a phrase that will avidly describe how pissed off you are, and why. You need to sit down, have a good cigar, maybe a beer or two, and spend that time thinking about the individual value of everything in your life. How much does your wife mean to you? Why is she necessary? Could you live without her? Would you want to live without her? Would it be better if she was different? Would it be better if you had a wife that was not her? What qualities would you prefer your wife to exhibit most often?


For instance, a demand I place on anyone claiming to be my wife/girlfriend is -

You will have to cope with the fact that I am one crazy son of a bitch when it comes to outright determination, and will to complete something. During these periods, I won't think about you for one second, and you're going to have to be ok with that. If you make a habit of screaming at me while I'm working, I will leave you.

yournamehere

I'm not saying this to be judgmental (although I won't disagree with Boggy), but it sounds like you've had things a bit too easy lately, and you are taking things in your life for granted. It's easy to grow complacent and view someone else's grass as greener. As the song says, "You don't what you've got till it's gone."

Perhaps your wife's loss of libido is because she doesn't feel as desirable as when she was younger / before the kids?
What have you done lately for her to make her feel good about making you feel good?

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