thespian86

[i'm sorry if i'm too descriptive. i feel if i don't describe it perfectly that it'll be taken the wrong way. i also don't want to be that person who tries to explain away all of your answers; so i'll try to get it right the first time]

I haven't been active here for a while. I haven't been doing well.

I'm not sure where to begin. Let's see. I'm very young, and I'm aware of that. I realize most of the things I will go through in the next 50 years will be challenging. But this isn't an issue of perspective; or rather, a lack thereof. I'm just wondering when you lose something dear to you, and you recognize what exactly it was for you [or rather: open to it being what it needs to be], how do you continue with that knowledge. Where do I go from here.

A part of my problem is how fiercely I love the things I love. And my ability to love is something I really appreciate about myself. But it is certainly confusing; knowing what makes me happy [loving freely/passionately] but also knowing it leaves me feeling very disappointed. Part of that disappointment comes in my unrealistic idea of what the return on that love should be. But there is the split; shouldn't there be a return? even a small one?

I don't want a distraction. Or to run away from the things that upset me. I want to deal with them. But I don't know how to. I know that a lot of answers will be that time will make things easier but all time does is make things blurrier; which makes things worse really. I need to be okay with loving something that is gone. Because I don't want to stop loving; if i did, i'd be uncomfortable in the wrong way. It would be dishonest. The last thing I need to do is start bullshitting myself again.

My problem is I'm finally at the point where I'm not the problem anymore. Then what... how do i continue?

thanks.

taylor.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

jewels

You are not The Problem. It's all in the mindspin.

I'm getting two things here. One, that you want to know how to move on from an idea or feeling stuck in your head or heart. The other is perceived happiness, which you've equated with passion. Hopefully, I'm getting your vibe because it's a place I've been in one too many times myself.

If you recognize it and have difficulty with that knowledge, the mere fact that things haven't lived up to your expectation is what's giving you the hard time. It's so painful to let go of the way we see something, especially when we've been seeing it that way for a while. The realization that it was only an expectation might be tough at first, but may make it easier to deal with in the long run.

I'm a lot like you, I think. This is what took me so many years to discover. It's the same loss. Those of us who love freely and passionately don't want to see harsh reality. Once a blissful relationship meets up with hurdles, we assume the passion will be enough to bond us together through anything. It's a terribly high expectation from someone whom with one's only experienced joy and passion. I believe that expectations are the big issue in any type of relationship. You can talk about communication and think you're on to perfection, but I've concluded that the expectations have to be reevaluated on a frequent basis just to be sure you're on the same page. If not, you may wake up one day, wondering why you're still waiting to be happy.

No matter what, it's still one day at a time. There's no other choice. Hang in there. You've got years to go.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Halanna

So the operative words here seem to be "or rather: open to it being what it needs to be." This implies that there was a situation that you felt wasn't right for you and either one or more people convinced you that it was a situation that you should have been happy with, but you knew you weren't. The end result is they have convinced you that you have lost something great when you know you didn't. And now you are scared.

At least you recognize your unrealistic idea of having love returned. You never, ever love with the expectation that it will be returned. You love and if you are very very lucky it will be returned. NO NO NO, there should NEVER be a return. You love, and that's it. No, don't ever expect a return, even a small one, a smile or a wave.

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean here.



But I understand exactly what you mean here. You can always love. You can always wish. What you have to do is not let it rule your life, you're in the here and now. So love your past, be grateful for the lessons you learned, admire your progress in seeing relationships, but don't feel that your past is all there is, you have a future that is so full that you can't even imagine the possibilities.

Because you do. The past is the past for a reason. You always have to move forward, with the knowledge you garner along the way. Life moves at one speed, forward. It doesn't reverse, you don't get do-overs.

Take what you have felt, learned, experienced and loved and make tomorrow a better day. Once the day after tomorrow is here, you will have lost your chance.

thespian86

jewels:

Perceived happiness is such a loose term. I realize what you're saying but it doesn't really jive with the way i see life. As far as I'm concerned, what makes me happy [the genuine me, not the me bound by 'personal truths' and 'social perception'] is what makes me happy. If I can feel honest in my happiness, I don't see what's perceptual about it.

Perception means walking in with conditions, which i do because everyone does, but I feel over time I can step back and get a good idea of what it is without the initial blast distorting it. At first, I was driven to shit because I had no hand in what happened, but more importantly, I was detoxing from the habits I'd formed involving this person. After that disappeared, and i felt clear, and resolved, I re-evaluated. Which led me here:

I still love her. Genuinely. It's not an issue of attachment because I'm not. So if this love is indeed genuine, then where do I go from here. Letting go of that love is dishonest; at least, i'd feel i was being dishonest with myself. But with that love comes the person, who I have to let go.

how do I find the median?


Halanna:

1) No; maybe I didn't express it properly. I was trying to get across that I haven't 'decided' what it means because I obviously haven't figured it out. So I'm open to what it could become with more perspective; i have an idea but that's all it is for now, or, forever. until i come to terms with it. I only trust the things that feel right; hearsay is hearsay until it sounds right. Dig?

2) I realize what I'm saying sounds like the typical lost 20 something - and I realize that typing that makes it seem more likely - but I accept that I'm young; but I can't ignore what I feel truthfully because my 'my age makes truth unlikely'. But what I mean about the return is shouldn't a personal relationship get a personal response? An action, reaction - situation. If I love her, and she loved me, where did it go. And when it's gone, which it is [I've accepted that], where did the reaction go? That's a genuine question. I don't think there's an answer, but I don't know very much [i'm young! full circle!], so that's why I'm asking. What is it about this that defies logic?

3) I get and appreciate this. But my question is, does it being my past make it mean less then the present and future. and if so, why? If say, I have the love i lost now, and i have one 10 years from now. What makes one more important then the other?

4) What if a day without her is, and I realize how this sounds but i'm being honest, less important. Why is it that because she's gone, she has lost her value in my life? [Because she's gone and it doesn't contain value if it's not there]. But if she created things for me, that i cannot create without her; haven't i lost something?

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Redlemon

I wish I had advice or help to give; I can only give support. Be well, Thespian.

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.