Anonymous Member

Hey All,

I was reading some posts on this great forum, and I came across a couple of member's posts where either (a) they were cheated on or (b) they were cheating on someone else.

As I was reading this, I couldn't help but feel this rising, I guess, anger at the people who cheat. Even worse were the people who cheated but kind of "got away with it" in the sense that they find a new partner while already in another relationship.

Personal experience, I know for me, after being "cheated on" by this one girl, I remained angry, *very* angry at the world for almost two years before I found someone special who really helped me extinguish that anger.

I think the anger was fueled by a mixture of betrayal, and that no justice was served. Even worse, were the friends who you would think would express disapproval at the cheater just remained neutral. Kind of a "not my problem thing."

I know during that time, I really really wanted to hurt people, but I managed to stifle it, though, I think I did lose some sanity through the process.

My question to you fellow members is this: Why do people NOT express more disapproval at people who cheat? Is it because they wish to remain neutral? Is it because culturally, we're sexually free to the point where cheating has become somewhat of a norm? Do we want to express more disapproval? Or is it better for individuals to be happy and pursue what makes them happy?

I think you people know where I stand, but I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts about cheating. To me, cheating is NOT a good thing, but we've moved away (generally, i think) from criminalizing adultery. I don't think criminalizing adultery itself is a good thing, but the lack of response towards cheaters, in my experience, has made me somewhat surprised.

Thoughts?

KirStang

....

mixedmedia

I think because cheating is an offense (yes, no longer a crime) in which the parameters of guilt and punishment are largely dictated by the persons actually involved - partners, and in some cases, any children involved in the resulting fallout. And rightfully so. I don't think cheating necessarily indicates a personality characteristic that need be judged by others, although it can be.

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Lubeboy

karma is a bitch.

Xerxys

I am SO glad adultery is not criminal.

Anon, what would you recommend be done to people who cheat? Do you not realize that parameters set in relationships cannot be dictated by any third party?

When someone cheats I often just look at them with an air of "ohh well, nothing I can do, just glad it's not me." I don't believe in karma or hell for saints, heaven for sinners or what comes around goes around so I guess if I were cheated on I would try to go past it however way I can. There are things that are out of your control. Deal.

FuglyStick

Cheating on someone you're supposed to be in a committed relationship is a sign of poor character, but it's only one of many.

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LAW2

I can't answer for everyone but I think the response to the cheater is dependent upon the persons relationship and their morale beliefs. While true friends might stick up for the cheater as they are in pursuit of happiness and they want their friend to be happy. Others will admonish them for the hurt and betrayal that they have caused. Having been the one cheated on I can say that most of our friends are pulling away from her. Now our circle is family based and they believe in the sanctity of marriage. I have even asked some of them to not shut her out because whether the other guy was there or not we were probably headed towards divorce.

Anonymous Member

I can understand where you are coming from. The way I project myself to others, those who don't know me that well, I appear an emotionally solid. It takes a while for me to build up trust in others, but when I do I start to open up. This is hard for me to do because while I seem emotionally detached from many things, the truth is that I am very easily hurt.

If a person I am dating and whom I trust a great deal cheated on me, it would be the end of my world. Not permanently, but like you, well, I don't quite think I can describe what I would feel. I see it as the ultimate form of betrayal on a very personal level and I do not tolerate cheating in any way, shape or form. There would not be room for so much as an explanation as to why they did it.

However, if, god forbid, that did ever happen to me, I would not expect people to immediately take my side. Those who will care will care, but this would ultimately be my problem. Likewise, I could not give two shits about people who have been cheated on because, well, it's not my problem. It's between them. If any of my close friends were in that situation, however, I'd be there for them.

Anonymous Member

are you me?

...

i figure you can't stop cheating. and i get the feeling that those who will do it will do it regardless of what kind of effort you put into keeping them as your s/o.

Strange Famous

I think its more complicated than saying someone who cheats is alwas wrong... every relationship breaks down for different reasons and rarely is either party blameless.

I have never cheated on someone, but I have been the person that someone has cheated with three times in my life. Is it perfect - no... but I dont feel guilty either. If their relationships were right then those people wouldnt be looking elsewhere. I know some males that simply cheat for the sake of it - just becase they seem to be addicted to trying to screw different women - to some degree that is inexcusable, but most women dont cheat unless their current partner isnt treating them well. Maybe its a generalisation - but its how my experience of the world has been.

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jewels

Some feel it's a total betrayal of a committed relationship, some see it as a symptom of something gone wrong. The betrayed party rightfully feels that cheating is a dealbreaker, or else has the strength of character to determine their part in the reason for the betrayal.

I have a lot of respect for those who've gone to the root of it and been able to work through to actually improve their marriage. I have no respect for those who've stayed (i.e. stand by your man/woman) and changed nothing about the relationship.

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Manic_Skafe

Cheating obviously isn't a good thing but I find it strange that the popular culture on relationships dictates that one should be willing to do anything for love yet cheaters are deserving of being burned alive even if they find love outside of their relationship.

There is a considerable difference between being in a committed relationship and fucking other people and being in a relationship that isn't working out and falling in love with someone else. So long as you're willing to violate the terms of your relationship then you should be considerate enough to end it. However, cheaters are really only those with the intention of having their cake and eating it too.

It's convenient enough to see cheaters as the scum of the earth but often enough it happens that we stay in relationships well past their expiration date, doing little things until it becomes so intolerable that we're either left with no choice but to call it off or we find someone else that strikes our fancy. Neither case is totally fair but as strange famous said above, it's doubtful that all parties involved should be without blame.

I don't have enough time to flesh this out any further but my basic point is that there's a considerable difference between cheating to fulfill an animalistic urge and falling in love outside of your relationship. One should be decent enough to end things beforehand but love is rarely ever convenient and those in the second case can only be faulted but so far.

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Toaster126

Obviously both require choice as far as action goes, but I would fault someone so much more for the second than the first.

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ametc

Cheaters.. once they've gotten away with one.. they'll continue to cheat foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Until I get them and stab their fucking loser ass faces off.

I don't feel sorry for the bitch who is with him now.. because she's a fuckface whore. If she knew he was with somebody else, she deserves to be burned at the stake.

Fotzlid

One of the good things about getting older, the emotions don't run as fiery.

Been cheated on. Been "the other guy". Never cheated.

Its part of my past, nothing more. If it happens again, that will be part of my past as well. I no longer see the sense in wasting energy on mistakes like that.

dlish

errrr.... okkkkk

personal experience you;d like to share with us ametc?

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Halanna

Unless you are the person who is being cheated on, your anger is misplaced.

It's no ones business how someone else conducts their lives.

I would question why SHOULD people express disapproval at people who cheat. Who made us the boss of humanity or the morality police?

No one has the right to stick their nose into someone else's life, judge them by their actions and tell them they are wrong, not behaving correctly, should be doing this or that.

While it probably isn't a good idea, won't end well or a multitude of other things, it still is no one's business except the people directly involved.

Plan9

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Jinn

[For me, it's because it's really not any of my damn business. They did what they did. I'll judge 'em for what they did, but it's not my job to admonish people for poor character.

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Bear Cub

Bear Cub used to dislike cheaters.

Then, one day, Bear Cub woke up and realized that if someone chooses to cheat on him, that he gets to pawn them and their problems on someone else.

So, Bear Cub gives back to society by homewrecking as much as possible. Besides, we all know that "relationships" are silly anyways.

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Plan9

Oh, hey... you forgot to put silly in quotations, too.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."