robot_parade

Ok. So this has bothered me for awhile, and I'm curious as to other TFPers take.

I want potty time to be private time. I don't want my wife around when I'm doing my business, and I don't want to be around (or hear it) when she does hers.

Yes, I know Girls Poop. Basic biology. But I simply don't want to experience it. My wife doesn't agree...we've talked about this, and she thinks I'm being over-sensitive. I feel it's along the same lines as the old saying 'familiarity breeds contempt'.

I've talked to her about it, and she's changed her habits a little bit. She at least will leave me alone when I'm doing my business, and close the door when I walk in while she's doing hers. Before she would walk in and try to have a conversation with me while I was 'busy', and leave the door wide open while she was occupied.

It also helps that we've moved. The old layout had my side of the bed directly facing the master bathroom door. So...I would go to bed. She would go in the bathroom, leave the door open. Plop. Plop. Plop. The new layout has a bathroom, and a separate door for the 'potty room'. She (usually) will close one door or the other.

Like I said, I had a few talks with her, and while she still thinks I'm being stupid, she's improved from my POV.

The problem is, it's not enough. Usually, I go to bed before her, and she'll come in, leave both doors open, and do her business. Which I get to listen to, even though I'd rather not. My preference would be to close the 'potty room' door, turn on the fan (which will improve the smell situation as well), and do her business in private.

Am I being oversensitive? Should I have another Conversation with her? Or just live with it? It doesn't help that she treats it as if I'm being completely picky and oversensitive.

Punk.of.Ages

I think this is a personal choice with no real right or wrong answer...

I have no qualms about anybody seeing me urinate or vice versa. I have no problems being in the same room as my girlfriend when she poos or vice versa. I have a HUGE problem with anybody watching me wipe my ass...

Wiping is a very personal and vulnerable act, in my opinion, and I don't want anybody watching me. I will not ever bend on this.

I know where you're coming from...

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Plan9

This obviously bothers you. You're rational but don't like it. Cool.

Do the conversation or The Conversation. You'll regret it if you don't.

She may not understand that it bothers you and being willing to change it without a firmer stance.

Don't let it grow and fester and become a nightmare of bowl farts and kerplunks.

Tell her that you love her but to keep that shit to herself.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

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Xerxys

Oversensitive? No!! God NO!!! Jesus himself said this, thou shalt not poop where I can hear/smell it goddammit!!!

She needs jail time for that that is criminal!!

**composes self, breath Xerxys, BREATH!!**

OK, just tell her you are happy for the changes she has made so far and you just need a bit more. I know you've already expressed gratitude for the progress but have her change this because it will get seriously annoying.

Shell

...it's time to take her fiber away

...seriously, whoEVER would want to be around this "event"

...i won't even let my dog watch me.

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levite

Yeah, this is just one of those things that people have different boundaries about. I won't go into the bathroom if my fiancee is having a poop; and generally she respects my desire to poop in private, although since we only have one bathroom, if I take too long when she needs to pee, sometimes she'll just barge in and pee in the shower.

Peeing, by the way, I have no problem with. She and I cruise in and out of the bathroom when the other is at pee, generally don't even close the door.

I think the only thing that will ease the situation is clear communication about what your boundary needs are. Nobody says that have to be consistent, or rational. Just communicated well.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Charlatan

I am with you on this.

I am OK with peeing in front of each other. It's no big deal. But pooping is out. I don't want to see it and I don't want to be seen (or heard) doing it.

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Xerxys

YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK!! SICK!

I'm going to bed now!!

Punk.of.Ages

Uh oh!

Somebody mentioned peeing in the shower around Xerxys...

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

vinceco252

I agree wholeheartedly...

thespian86

This is one of my only no-no's in life.

When I am in the bathroom, it becomes MY bathroom.

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inBOIL

Add me to the "my business is my business" camp. There's nothing pleasant about tightening up mid-loaf because someone couldn't wait 2 minutes to talk to you.

If your wife is treating this as you being oversensitive, perhaps you should make a comparison with something she's oversensitive about.

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Psycho Dad

The bathroom is my fortress of Solitude.

Just get through it best you can. We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and I've had to start locking the door to get a little privacy. My wife always wants to come in and talk about different things whilst I'm pounding one out. And it has always been that way. The day after we were married I was shaving and she came in to throw down.

Of course we had to overcome bigger problems to make it a quarter of a century, you can to.

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Lasereth

Man we have a red alert here. When I go into the bathroom, the door's locked, fan on, nothing changes until I wash my hands and leave. #1 or #2, it's lockdown until I'm through. What your wife is doing IS gross.

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Esoteric

Taking a piss is one thing, but taking a shit is a sacred act that should only be between yourself and the toilet.

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cellophanedeity

I can't understand why she'd even want to be there!

So strange.

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fresnelly

This highlights one of the reasons why Hollywood thriller and horror movies always feature a scene in a Bathroom.

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LordEden

I'm in the peeing is ok/pooping is not category.

I don't give a rat's ass who sees me pee or who pees around me. Exs were usually cool with the fact that I'd walk in while they were showering or putting makeup on and I started peeing. They eventually figured out that I didn't care if they peed around me. That said, if my bathroom door is shut, I'm pooping and I want you to stay the fuck out. Hearing someone pooping is one of the few things that will make me sick to my stomach. I don't want people to hear me either. I couldn't handle an SO that wanted to poop around me, she would have to cut that shit out (DUN DUN DUN *High Hat Sound*).

It's all about personal boundaries, everyone has them. She just needs to understand that is one area of your life you don't want to share or want her to share with you.

Plus, I can't properly read my books on my throne with someone in there talking to me. I can't poop, talk, AND read at the same time! That would confuse the shit out of me (I'm full of puns today... shitty puns).

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Halanna

Sign me up for the peeing ok/pooping is NOT ok.

This is private and should remain so.

You being picky, oversensitive or anything else is not the issue. The issue is this is the particular way you feel about this subject and regardless of what she thinks, she needs to respect that and cede to your wishes.

My husband has this ridiculous idea that the garage floor has to be clean. As in clean, mopped, swept, whatever. If I hang out the laundry and some leaves or little pine thingies blow onto the floor, he has a heart attack. I mean it's a garage!

But this is how he feels about the garage floor. So I sweep up any mess I make. I respect how he feels about the garage even though I think it's absolutely ridiculous.

Daniel_

Can I just say, Americans crack me up every time I hear or see you use the word "Poop".

It's like watching a porn film and suddenly one of the participants says "Put your willy in my hoo-ha".

Totally incongrous.

I've seen you people talk about anal sex, death sentances, gun control, bondage, politics, war, death and Star Trek films. Using adult words.

And yet, you have a delightful reticence when it comes to the scatological.

You say "Bathroom", or even more cute "Potty Room". I love that.

So, in answer to the OP - no, I don't want to watch or smell another person having a shit. I can cope with someone pissing, or seeing me piss, but as said above, wiping is certainly sharing the love too much.

Oddly enough, my issue is over FLUSHING. If my wife (or maybe it's my daughter) takes a leak in the night, she doesn't flush (for fear of waking the household, I assume), but to me, I'd rather be woken than risk having a crap, making a splash, and getting someone else's piss on my arse.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

DaniGirl

I personally don't mind when it comes to peeing. My husband likes the door shut and the fan on and I respect that. So you should certainly talk to her about it, it should not be that big of a deal. And yes wiping is sharing the love too much.

Plan9

This is totally why having a large bathroom w/ double sinks or multiple shower-equipped bathrooms upstairs is a relationship saver.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Leto

I love hearing you Brits use quaint words for poop like "shit". It's so gutteral. Every time I hear it, I think of John Cleese enunciating in with Queen's Own English accent, received and metered out.

poop. poop poop poop...

plop.

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genuinegirly

Get your butt out of bed and close the doors yourself if you don't want to listen to her doing her business. She likely doesn't realize that she is leaving the door open. Do it often enough with griping/cussing along the way and she'll become aware of her negligence and start closing the door herself.

I prefer alone-time.
Differing opinions on this matter would be a deal-breaker for me.

Though if my husband occasionally needs to take a dump while I'm showering, it doesn't bother me. Sure, the smell isn't too great, but a little pretty-smelling shower gel or shampoo will distract me well enough.

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Daniel_

For fuck's sake, Leto, do stop being such a total cunt wont you?

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

little_tippler

I agree on the don't want to experience it bit, if possible. There is always going to be that odd time when you hear or smell something. But it's something private and I think you're right to feel put off. Talk to her and make it clear it's not something you are willing to continue dealing with in that manner.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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girldetective

Im with genuinegirly on this. I lived with someone for many years and never experienced his pooing. Now, Tango, he was another story. Being a narcissist he was happy to leave the door open. He wanted everyone to love the smell of his shit as much as he did. Ick.

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spindles

I really don't care one way or the other.

Funnily enough, my parents have been saying and my 5yo asked why "Poppy closed the bathroom door". Doors in our house are almost never closed, especially because the 5 yo and 3 yo can't reach the door handle yet and they just don't understand privacy yet.

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robot_parade

I do! Well... 'usually'. And when I do have to get my ass out of bed to close the door, it's usually a little closer to a 'slam' than a 'close'....

Thanks for all the other comments, too!

Jozrael

@Dan: What is it if not a bathroom o_O? A restroom? I don't know any more 'adult' word to use. "shitroom"? I've never even heard it referenced as such.

Punk.of.Ages

The loo, perhaps...

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Plan9

Hoodypoodoodywhompers!

Jesus.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Radio Monk33

Peeing...I don't think would bother me. Though I've never been in the situation. Shitting...no, that's definitely something that deserves privacy. I think you're very much entitled to feel way.

On a tangent, on the theme of bathroom etiquette, I have a bit of a bathroom issue myself. My gf either does not turn on the fan..or leave it on afterwards. I'd like a little courtesy fan action..especially in a small apartment when there's only 1 bathroom and it opens into the main living area. Is this unreasonable? Is there a polite, unembarassing way to bring this up? I have considered fainting or making choking/gasping noises..but this would not be good for my short term health.

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Punk.of.Ages

*Through the bathroom door* "HEY! Turn the fan on. That smell is violating the sanctity of my nostrils!"

That's how I'd do it, anyway...

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

levite

I can understand this, although in a small place like that, I think you just have to suck it up and learn how to breathe through your mouth for a bit after your GF has been in the john. We also have a small place, and no fan in the bathroom. Neither of us like artificial air fresheners, and burning matches or candles only does so much. We found a natural air freshener made with citrus oil which helps a litttle, but even when we use it, it still smells like a bagful of fresh oranges took a big shit in our bathroom. There's no getting around it, sometimes you just have to learn to ignore.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Jackebear

That's what my SO and I do. That's why we have 2 bathrooms.

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Daniel_

I would contend that a bathroom should have a bath in it.

The more usual words (in England) are Lavatory, Toilet, Loo. Other words like Shitter, Bog, Can, and so on are descriptive and good.


On a side note, a country in which there are generally hardly any feet used in the game of Football doesn't shock me when it calls a room with no bath in it a bathroom.

And before you mention it, I do realise that Lavatory, comes from the latin Lavare and therefore means "Washroom", but I excuse this because anyone who doesn't wash after they shit is really, really gross.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Psycho Dad

I usually call it a shitter if that makes anyone feel better.

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Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

inBOIL

They generally do, or at least a shower. The concept of a home having a room with a toilet separate from a room with a bath/shower is alien on this side of the Atlantic.

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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.