shesus

I saw a commercial about a mom who had her kid in a bubble to protect him. I think it was supposed to be humorous as in 'That would never happen', but it wouldn't surprise me if I saw toddlers running around in hamster balls this summer when the tourists arrive in full steam.

It seems that a lot of parents want to protect their kids from everything. The companies use this 'fear' to sell products and services. Make sure your kid has a cell phone at age 8 in case he/she gets abducted, but you better also purchase the cell phone 'nanny' for $14.99 a month to monitor all incoming and outcoming texts and myspace messages. You never know what on-line predator is on the prowl. Of course you want your kid to go to camp, but you better rent the cabin next door in case there is danger lurking in the woods.

This over-protection is harmful to the kids and the 'Y' generation that is now heading into adulthood is reaping the downsides of not able to handle society, criticism, and life in general. They have panic attacks and spiral downward into depression with the pharmaceutical companies ready to start making their money. They are turning to their parents to take care of their everyday battles with bosses and professors because they can't deal with the public or confrontation in general.

I say let the kids play outside with the joy of being able to move because they aren't covered head-to-toe in protective gear. Let them get dirty and sling mud. Let them make mistakes and fight their own battles so they will be prepared to communicate effectively with people and have a healthy ego and self-image. If parents don't let their spawn have some fun because someone may get hurt, what is the point?

These are my observations. What are other people's opinion on the 'helicopter parent'?

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ColonelSpecial

There was a story awhile ago about a NYC mom letting her 9 year old son take the subway home after school one day. He had his pass, quarters if he needed to call home and an adventurous attitude. He rode home safely but once word got out, people were in an uproar! You would have figured that he was locked in a closet without food for all the calls of neglect. He rode the subway for something like 25 blocks. She watched him get on the subway and was at home when he got home.

We are seeing now that being very overprotective isn't totally beneficial. It isn't just making sure that the child isn't taken. It is doctors seeing the lowest levels of vitamin D in kids because parents keep them inside or coat them with sunscreen (note: sunscreen is important but some sun is okay). Viruses are becoming resistant to antibiotics because the drugs are overused. Kids can be afraid to fail because they haven't had a chance to do so.

Children need boundaries but they don't need cages. Simple as that. They need to know that their parents are there for them, to love them, support them, help them when needed but not to crush every danger.

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Cynthetiq

the article I'm posting this is the same parent... and I commend her. She sent her kid on the train alone and they ended up calling the police. MTA rules are 8 years old minimum to ride alone.

These kids grow up to be adults that I have to motivate and supervise. They think that they deserve to be rewarded for little to no effort just because it's raise time.

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laconic1

I'm 29 but I guess you could say my mom was an overprotective parent. I was never allowed to play with other kids after school, I was only allowed to ride my bike in circles to the top of the cul-de-sac and back (about 40 yards)
and I had a helluva battle getting my mom to let me play in an organized soccer league. Now I struggle terribly socially and I do think that my moms attempt to be so overprotective is the primary factor in my current social struggles. I simply never learned to interact with other people and how to meet new people.

Willravel

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...-work-day.html

A bigger problem than the sum total effect of these helicopter parents would be the sum total effect of neglectful parents, childcare workers, and teachers. I'll take an overbearing parent over a neglectful parent any way. We shouldn't demonize overbearing parents—at least their intent is noble and responsible.

ASU2003

Izzy is a pretty cool name as far as boy names go.

The one part that they are leaving out is what time of day this happened at. If it is at 8am, it is a little different than 9pm. And there are usually policemen or security guards patroling the subway stations. As long as the kid knows not to go with any random person that offers them something, then I think they would be safe. And I'm sure other people would step in if was screaming help on the subway.

I think I was 12 or 13 before I roamed the streets of Toronto by myself though.

noodle

Helicopter parents drive me insane.
There is (usually) a pretty substantial and visible line between what could happen to your kid in a certain situation and what won't. For instance, the playing with the neighbors in a cul-de-sac. Pretty sure if you're in the area as a parent, your kid is probably not going to get kidnapped or plowed over by a maniacal 90mph driver in that particular cul-de-sac. Riding the subway at 8am is different than 9pm, like ASU said.
The difference between a responsible parent and a helicopter parent is that the responsible parent walks through scenarios with their kid, prepares them for things, and then lets them experience situations with them once or twice or by his or herself if it's not a big deal.
I whole-heartedly agree that a lot of parents are actually creating panic, anxiety and social disorders in their children (SOME parents, not ALL parents) by instilling their own fears, teaching maladaptive behaviors and isolating their kids from life.
Kids feed off their parents' reactions. Ever seen a kid that hasn't had a blood draw before? They're usually okay as long and mom or dad don't shudder or make a big deal out of it. One reaction from Mommy and you're likely to see Kiddo freak out.
That's a minimal example. But I see it all the time with the medically complex kids.
Coddle them and you're going to end up with a spoiled brat. Allow them SOME freedom, not life with no boundaries or expectations, and you have a more confident child that is willing to explore their environment and learn better.
I'm not discounting genetics or anything like that in terms of mental illness, but I see parents really and truly shaping personalities of children through their own behaviors and fears.
It's sad.

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Spartanx9

^ QFT.

Having overprotective parents sure did something to screw me over. I'm blessed to have the friends that I do that are helping me overcome all of the damage my parents did to me.

shesus

Noble? That's like saying that someone beating a criminal is so much better than the someone beating an innocent person. Both does similar harm.

There needs to be a happy medium. For example, think about a kid playing a sport. The parent can practice with the kid in the backyard to get ready for a big game. However, when that big game comes, the parent needs to be in the bleachers spectating, not following the kid around and scoring for him while he's covered in head-to-toe with protective gear.

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snowy

I hate helicopter parents. I swear they're responsible for the uptick in children's food allergies.

There has to be a balance between safety and adventure. Kids learn a lot when they're in situations with controlled risk, where they're allowed to make their own decisions and figure out their own solutions to problems. I think it's really important that they learn those skills. In my work, I do the best job that I can to ensure the kids have fun yet stay safe. I have no problems with some of my kids climbing trees. At my current job, we're planning a field day for May, where we'll have footraces and games in the park. The main safety precaution I'll take is making sure everyone's wearing sunscreen and that I have a first aid kit and my cell phone on me. It helps that we're all trained in first aid and CPR. There's a distinct difference between being prepared and being paranoid.

Fortunately, I see a lot of parents in my work who aren't obsessed with protecting their kids. Most of the parents I know are pretty easy-going and understand that kids get bumps and bruises. I've met a few helicopter parents...needless to say, my acquaintance with them is usually short.

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mixedmedia

I haven't run up against any of these 'helicopter parents' but I have heard of them. I trust that they do exist, though. Most of the parents I have known are pretty normal when it comes to parenting. But I'd have to say that I've known more parents on the slightly neglectful side than the overbearing side.

My daughter has a cell phone (she is 10) but we don't have a land line phone and she is home alone fairly often now since I went back to school. She also carries it with her when she goes out to play so that she can check in periodically to let me know where she is.

I like that story about the 10-year-old on the train. I think allowing freedom like this would depend completely on the maturity level of the child, though, and it's much more important for parents to be attuned to where their children are cognitively and emotionally so that they can make the right decisions for their child. I think if more parents paid attention to the development of their own children rather than reading books or listening to neighbors they would be making better choices.

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PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

shesus

I can see where it is applicable to have a cell phone if the child is a latch-key kid with no land-line. I think though that when kids have it strapped to them 24/7 it may be an issue. When I taught, every school I was at prohibited cell phones for students. There was no reason for the students to have them and it was a distraction. The parents would get outraged using the excuse of 'What if something happens we need to get in touch with each other?" Our answer was: that is what the school phones and secretary are for. My Lord how did people survive 10+ years ago when there weren't pocket sized cell phones?

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genuinegirly

Ok...
I'm really sorry but I can't help but to see the similarities here.

Rabbits.

You take a rabbit that has lived several years of its life in one cage, without any chance to roam. You take that rabbit and you think you're going to do it a favor. You place it in a field that's covered in clover. You think the rabbit will have fun hopping around. The rabbit has a heart attack. This really happens. It happened to a friend of mine who took a "retired" rabbit that had lived the first 5 years of its life in a cage in an elementary school classroom.


Too much unexpected stimulus, you're going to panic.

A child is no different.
Expose them to change, they will be able to handle it.
Surround them regularly with new environments and new people, they will make sense of it. They will be more comfortable with the change later in life.

I don't understand why people hover over their children. Maybe it would make more sense if I had a child rather than a pet rabbit. A pet rabbit, by the way, who loves to roam in fields of clover.

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shesus

genuinegirly, to be honest, at first I thought your connection would be silly. "Rabbits??" I thought.

It is quite a good comparison though. I feel sorry for the people, and a couple have posted in this thread, who are having 'heart attacks' because they were pushed ill-prepared into the real world. Unfortunately, for those people, they have to start from scratch to try to repair the damage that was caused do to no fault of their own. Hopefully, these people learned a lesson growing up sheltered from the world and the helicopter parenting can stop. Unfortunately, it seems social patterns don't work in such a way.

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noodle

On a side note, just for a moment... Shesus, have you ever heard this one?
Absolutely the first thing I thought of when I read your topic.
Lighthearted and yet...


/threadjack.

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shesus

Catchy little diddy, Noodle. I love that your avatar danced along with the music.

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JumpinJesus

The last year I taught (last year) I had a student who forgot his lunch one day. A kid near him shared his lunch - vegetable sticks. The kid gobbled up the carrots and celery and cucumber.

Later that day his mom came in with his lunch apologetic and frantic that her baby didn't have his lunch that day. It's okay, I told her, his seatmate shared his lunch.
"Oh?" the mother responded. "What did they share?"
"Some vegetable sticks," I said. The color drained from her face and a look of utter horror washed over her countenance.
"You didn't give him vegetables???" she asked in disbelief.
"Yeah, vegetables. Carrots, cucumbers, and celery, I think," I responded.
"He's allergic to vegetables!"
"Which ones?"
"All of them!"
"All of them?"
"All of them!"
At this point she rushed over and grabbed her 11 year-old son and started cradling him. "You know you're not supposed to eat vegetables!" She cried at him.
He looked at her kind of strangely.
"How come?" he asked.
"Because you're allergic, remember?" she squeaked.
"Oh, yeah." At this point, the kid started coughing and making hacking and choking noises. It had been 2 hours since he ate and had displayed no signs of allergies until his mom told him this.

I approached her and told her I was unaware of his allergies as I was never given anything from the nurse describing his food restrictions. (you'd be amazed. These days, with kids, it's like reading a contract rider for some singing diva regarding foods - no green m&ms, cut the almonds in thirds and remove half the skin, etc.)
She replied, "Well, I haven't taken him to a doctor yet, that's why he doesn't have a note."
I was curious. "How do you know that he's allergic to all vegetables?"
Her reply was alarming and sad and humorous all at once.
"Well, every time we'd have vegetables with meals, he'd cough and spit them out. I'd tell him to finish his dinner and he'd say, 'But mom, I'm allergic to this,' so we wouldn't make him eat it. He was allergic to almost every vegetable we gave him, so we thought we'd be safe until we got him to a doctor. We haven't been able to yet."

This is modern parenting. This is life in a bubble. This is our future. I weep for the future.

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mixedmedia

That seems like a pretty broad generalization.

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PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

ngdawg

I have been fighting the urge to be a "helicopter parent" for 17 years and 14 days now.
I don't know why parents are like this. Growing up, I had a protective mother, but also one who let me be a kid. There were rules, we followed them; like coming home from playing when the street lights came on or if we were close enough, when mom rang a bell she had.
A friend and I had our babies 2 days apart. She made a point of nursing every 2 hours/ I fed'em when they were hungry. I let my toddlers tear up the house, toss their toys around, jump on the sofas/she had them clean up whatever they didn't play with at the moment and jump on the furniture??? Never. I let my kids watch Arthur and The Simpsons/she let them watch Sesame Street and thought my kids would be corrupted by the antics of Bart Simpson.
She kept a clean home, fed her kids only the healthiest of foods and arranged everything they did. Those kids were always sick! I hate housework, we both smoke, I fed them whatever they wanted and my kids had one illness each as toddlers. My son even got a perfect attendance award in elementary school. My daughter missed getting one for being out one day.
Somewhere, somehow, we've forgotten what's really important-a healthy mind. Creativity, freedom, learning what we can do by ourselves by pushing our own limits has been lost. There seems to be no middle road-I see kids that run wild, have no manners, are ignored by their parents (I want to smack those that let their kids run or skate through stores unattended like they're in a park) or kids that cower behind mommy if you so much as glance at them because mommy has it drilled into them that everything but herself is out to get the kid.
What's going to happen to kids like the one who's "allergic to all vegetables" when they have to actually make a real decision? God, that mother is a moron.....

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shesus

Actually ng, she was a morMon.

***DISCLAIMER TO THOSE WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED****** (yes, you)
I am by no means calling mormons morons, the difference is one letter and I, personally, find it amusing. My opinion is not the opinion of TFP, which has its own identity and ego separate from mine.
/end disclaimer

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JumpinJesus

You obviously should have had your kids taken from you. You smoked? Around them??? The horror......the horror......

You didn't treat your kids like porcelain vases and once they're out on their own they're going to be incredibly thankful you let them be kids, if they don't realize it already.

Parents who think they're protecting their kids from everything by babying them into adolescence and beyond aren't doing their children any favors. Generally speaking, they're doing more harm than help.

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ngdawg

Actually, only the spouse was THAT dumb and smoked in the same room they were in. His excuse was "the fan's on". I only smoked in the kitchen and with one of those "smokeless" ashtrays(kids weren't allowed in the kitchen at all until they were over 2).

I think they do realize it, even if my son thinks I'm evil because I actually do have some rules like do the chores they're supposed to do and let us know where they are.
I was a "bad mom" because I didn't give them cell phones until my daughter got one in 9th grade Now parents are handing them to their just-out-of-diapers little angels so they can further hover...

Parents need to remember that kids need to have fun, they need to explore and they need to know what they can do. Yea, there are bad things, always was, always will be. When my mom was 3, in 1933, she was abducted, beaten and pissed on and left for dead-her mother coddled her after that.... when my dad was 5, in 1934, a man held him underwater trying to drown him while swimming at Coney Island, but that didn't stop him from going back...when my sister was 7, in 1964, she was approached and almost abducted while walking home from school, but guess what? We all still walked to school afterwards.
I fell on my bike when I was 12, skidded on my right side and burned nasty roadrash holes in my knee and thigh, but the next day, albeit bandaged, I was back on my bike.
WTF has happened??? When did overbearing fear override caution and common sense and teaching?

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shesus

Did your family piss off the mob? That, my friend, is some crazy shit.

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ngdawg

During the early years of the depression, for whatever reasons, there was a rash of attacks on children throughout the five boroughs of NY. There were a few murders and it waned sometime around 1937-1939.
The almost abduction of my sister happened when a man in a beat-up car pulled to the curb and told her to get in the car because "Your mom said to pick you up." My sister was smart enough, at 7, to yell, "Oh no she didn't!" and ran home. However, in describing the car to the policeman that came to take the report, she called it "plaid"-it was rusted and had primer all over it-and the cop basically said he couldn't do anything with that and left.
Even cops didn't have that much concern back then, I guess.

Having these things in the back of my head didn't make me overly paranoid, but I did do some things that were practical if a tad unorthodox: I played "bad person visiting" scenarios with my daughter and her Little Tykes playhouse (lol) and I always went out shopping with them on wrist leashes when they got too big for a stroller or didn't want to be in one (and don't get me started on those damned mothers who put kids old enough to tackle ME in strollers).
I was amazed at the rotten attitude of people when they saw my twins attached to me by a 4ft elastic band. But at least I wasn't one of those dumbasses calling out their errant brats' names because they were too busy checking the sales rack to notice they were standing alone.My husband I actually stood and watched a baby about 1.5 years old walk away from her mom(who had shopping bags in the stroller) as she looked at stuff on a table. We watched the baby walk into a Lane Bryant store and was completely out of site before mom noticed she was missing. The lady at the table noticed it too but we all thought the same thing: Let's see how fucking stupid this woman really is. LOL The answer: VERY. She suddenly realized the kid was gone, went into immediate panic and I silently pointed to the store she'd entered. A saleswoman had her at the counter.

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