dalnet22

I could start several threads on the questions about my life. I've asked my parents, so now I'll ask one about myself.

I grew up as a very conniving, instigative kid. I stole thousands of dollars worth of toys, I made fun of other kids, and I never really valued other people. I was anti-social, if you will.

Over the past year (I'm 21), I've grown up a lot. I see the value in other people and my self, and it has helped me a great deal. As a result, however, I've realized that I attracted bad, shallow friends. While I ditched most of them, I've also realized that I never really formed deep, meaningful relationships with family, friends, or girlfriends. Basically, I wasn't a good friend.

Now, as I've begun to wake up through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and focusing on my self esteem, I've seen my interest in favorite activities fade.

1. Watching sports - I feel like I'm wasting my life by getting so involved in watching others live their lives and accumulate meaningless stats.

2. Playing video games - Again, I feel like I'm wasting my life sitting around playing games that don't get me anywhere.

3. Music - Growing up, I loved dramatic story songs. As I learn to think rationally, I find myself wondering if this music isn't anything more than frustrated, angry people writing about how their lives suck. Granted, the music I listen to is redemptive and ultimately positive. It's not your Emo I hate myself crap. It's old time rock and roll, so that's good. I guess my concern is that when I listen or play along, I almost wonder if these singers could have just taken a deep breath and realized their lives weren't so bad? But then again, maybe I'm dismissing the validity and power of their writing?

4. Humor - I used to enjoy dark, satirical humor that poked at social concerns. My concern is my taste in dark humor stems from my negative, skewed ways of thinking.

These are three of the main concerns. With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I'm afraid that maybe everything I enjoy stems from my negative, hateful thinking I practiced for 20 years. Maybe I'm supposed to learn to enjoy different things? This bothers me because I feel like I can't relax and enjoy what I like. Maybe I shouldn't think things are funny anymore? Besides, why should I laugh about someone's funny haircut? Doesn't this stem from me thinking he looks stupid?

It's very frustrating. I want to relax and enjoy the things I enjoy, but I'm afraid they stem from bad habits. What do the rest of you think?

Sultana

Sounds like you may be becoming too analytical. It's very good to evaluate your motivations, but one can still be positive-minded and enjoy life, and laugh. Maybe you won't laugh at people in a demeaning, mean-spirited way, but there is still humor to be had, and hobbies to be enjoyed.

How about trying a hobby where you have something to show for your time, like wood-working or volunteering or something like?

And you can still enjoy the same things for different reasons. It sounds a lot like you are fearing your old motivations. Only you can say what your motivation is for laughing at something. If the reason conflicts with the direction you are trying to go with your new life, then redirect accordingly. But don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You can easily convince yourself that everything is bad, has a root in a "negative" emotion, and strip your life of pleasure. Pleasure is not bad, don't become a Puritan, eh? :P

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At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

dalnet22

Yeah, I hear ya. How about this for an example: This kid I know sent me a joke about how bad female drivers are. I think this type of humor stems from a stereotype / generalization that women can't drive, which makes little sense. So, I told the kid it wasn't funny, and he said I have no sense of humor. As my old self, I would've laughed just for the hell of it. Now I wonder if I shouldn't continue to do that?

thingstodo

It's called growth and it sounds like you are growing and evolving. That's what happens when you begin to question your beliefs. And when you change your beliefs, you change your behavior.

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If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

dalnet22

Yeah, but now I don't know what I'm supposed to like. Am I supposed to dislike sports, am I supposed to dislike playing the music I thought I enjoyed? What kind of friends am I supposed to have if I don't even know what my interests are anymore? It seems like anything I like is wrong. I feel like it's ruining my life because I can't look forward to anything anymore. I can't laugh at much anymore - shows like Saturday Night Live and stand up comedy are full of stereotypical jokes - is this not supposed to be funny? Am I supposed to denounce this type of humor?

pig

dalnet,

do what you feel you must; however, i would put forth the following notion for you to consider: many of the comedy shows are not only making humor using different stereotypes, but they are also making fun of the fact that the stereotypes exist. by point them out directly, they are drawing attention to them. you can (and probably will) get to a point where you've reached the far end of this part of your growth. happens for the rest of you life. you develop a facet of your personality, then you reject it, then you typically incorporate your different personality aspects into a newer personality. hopefully more complete.

you'll also find a lot of people who share different parts of your perspectives; whether it be avoiding sports, avoiding video games, or avoiding tv altogether. changing musical styles, whatever. just don't be too hard on yourself and it will eventually resolve itself.

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dalnet22

Hmm, I get what you're saying. That was always the struggle with my humor - I would bring up social problems like stereotypes and racism, even though I didn't believe them. For example, I would make a joke about Mexicans because I knew it would get attention, but I have no problem with them. Of course, I would get the cynical people to join in, and the people who thought I was racist to scorn me.

Maybe if I had friends I could trust, I wouldn't worry about this stuff so much.

Lizra

Sounds like you are ready for new things!
Maybe try sports where you participate, or you might enjoy performing, have you tried theater or being in a band, creating art, start a magazine.....perhaps getting involved helping others? Social work, politics, helping the elderly, or children.....maybe you could start a small business....build an empire! Fall in love!
Anyway....don't bore yourself, try some new things and relax!

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Happy atheist

Halx

This is an interesting observation of one's own life. I wouldn't attribute your negative view on life to your "dark" interests, though. That much almost sounds like moral programming. I'm the most positive person I know (most of the time) and I dress in black, listen to dark music, love morbidity, watch sports and play video games.

In any case, don't sweat it. Just try more things without bias.

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serlindsipity

you really do sound like your are uprooting everything you have found comfort in, and in doing so you are questioning everything and doing this is super unpleasent. However, it is nice to see you are trying to be objective. I think thats something very few people can do.


Keep it up, youre bound to find yourself again. And who knows, you may like that new you =)

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dalnet22

Thanks. It's really frustrating considering I planned on forming an indie rock band over the next year. But, I feel like the passion to play how I wanted is fading. The worst part is I don't know if I'm "outgrowing" the passion, or if my fear / frustration from learning music theory is taking the enthusiasm out of me. I've fed off the approval of others for most of my life, and now I'm stuck trying to appreciate myself.

Man, I feel like my interest in everything is dulled. I'm not particularly depressed, but I'm definitely struggling without any friends or an "In group". Because, if I don't know what I like anymore, how am I supposed to associate with others who like the same stuff? Damnit.

Sultana

Find yourself, then others will find you (or you will find others).

You need your own approval, not other's, really.

Man, I sound like a Chinese fortune cookie today!

"You like Chinese food"

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Philangicality

I am 23 years old and I am going through the same thing in a way. I am at the point where I look back at my childhood and I can see I was an idiot. I realize that I must accept change, because if I do not I will get caught up in the whole trying to fit into a stereo type thing because I must decide who I am. I think that is bullshit.

I realize that I am young still and maybe down the road I will regret chances I did not take. However, if I try to fake ambition and put myself in a successful position, that is purely perceived by others and not the truth, I may regret it later on down the road. Just because I am rich, have a big house, a hot wife, powerful friends, I could be just as unhappy because I have to work so damn hard every day to keep it all. That is why I say "fuck it."

thingstodo

I'm not sure a worry about what you are "supposed" to do or think is important. Try different things and you're sure to recognize what you like. Perhaps try different music.

Sometimes we just need a break from things if they've been very intense. I can understand the music thing because I was once totally involved in music. I majored in it, played in a band, lived and breathed music. Years later and I still listen but rarely every pick up an instrument. I do occcasionally but playing just doesn't give me the same pleasure.

I do other things that give me a meditative opportunity. I also like more physical things than years ago, things like working our, riding my road bike and playing golf. "Back then" I would never have thought those things would bring meaning to my life. I also get very much into the management aspects of my job.

You might look into a book called Now, Discover Your Strengths. When you get your own copy, you read about 80 pages and then use a number from the book jacket to take an on-line assessment about you. From that you'll learn your top five natural talents which area the areas you can grow the easiest and turn the talents into strengths. One thing for sure is that you'll develop a better understanding of yourself and what makes you tick. You'll be amazed.

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If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

analog

There are lots of times when people either take stock of things, or they naturally evolve a bit.

It's really more simple than you're making it out to be: If you still like something, cool- if you no longer enjoy what used to be a favorite hobby/interest, don't sweat it. That's life. You adopt new things to like, you shrug off old ones. It happens to pretty much everyone- you're just very aware of it because these changes are a direct result of your own intentional personal change.

Because you're initiating the change, you're going to be very aware of every issue that arises from it- but that doesn't mean they're bad things. If you lose interest, you lose interest... liking sports or video games doesn't make you who you are- it's just what you like.

I mean, I've never seen the point in knowing stats and getting all bent out of shape over a team, so sports have never interested me that much. Video games, though, are right up my alley because, in all honesty, I enjoy the "lazy time" of doing nothing. I also REALLY enjoy dark humor even though I'm a happy, outgoing, very positive person. I just LOVE dark humor- the more messed up, the better.

If you think your love of dark humor exists because of undesirable pre-existing thought processes, then that's fine- but if you resolve the thought processes you're concerned with, and still find dark humor funny, then obviously your love of dark humor wasn't born of your negativity. You just happened to love dark humor AND be negative, though the two ultimately proved to be unrelated.

In short... "let it be".

abaya

The fortune cookie said it well.

I think it's great that you are evaluating your life and deciding to start over in some ways... most people never get to that point, and instead become more and more entrenched in their habits and preferences.

Take the opportunity you've given yourself to explore all kinds of crazy new things. Try everything at least once (unless it might kill you, I guess)! I think you'll slowly start to find things that give you new reasons to get up in the morning, which is what an evolving life is all about.

/me joins Sultana's fortune cookie factory...

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