Cover letter feedback puhleeze - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

CrotchrocketSlm · 06-08-2006, 07:44 AM

Right now I am sending out resumes and cover letters as I am trying to get out of retail and trying to find more professional work which would actually use my education/experience I acquired while in school. I have a BA in Communications and Media Studies from a prestigious little liberal arts school in the city I'm still living in, and right now I am trying to get an office job doing something of value at a non-profit or a college of some sort. While the Communications department at my school was actually one of the few Comm Studies departments in this country which actually required a fair amount of academic excellence (i.e. it wasn't my alma mater's "football majors" like you hear of it being at other schools), I find that in practice I could do a lot of things with what I learned from it, but it doesn't specialize me for any one sort of occupation at this time. At this point I am trying to net myself an administrative assistant position somewhere, though I am looking at other options too, such as being an admissions counselor at schools similiar to my own. Here are two cover letters I am working on, and I need feedback from people who are not me, and preferably have some actual HR experience, or at least a general idea of what effective cover letters for these kinds of jobs look like. Specific names of organizations pruned out to better respect the forum's TOU, just in case.

First, the admin assist cover letter:

Quote:

I am writing you today to express my interest in the Administrative Assistant II position (#xxxxxxx) on the <your school's> HR website. I am actively seeking an office assistant opportunity in a demanding, non-profit multi-tasking office. My experience in retail and working at <my school's>'s <library> have equipped me with a multitude of skills, and I would be most pleased to continue my growth at the <your school>.

In my professional history, I have excelled most notably in three areas which give me the skills and temperament to be an excellent administrative assistant: customer and coworker support/service, organizational tasks and projects, and taking on new projects and duties. During my tenure at <my school's library>, I found myself seeking out new ways to further organize and add efficiency to how the various departments I worked for operated and maintained records. I created the first paper check out system for a then-fledgling laptop checkout program, and a lightly-modified version based heavily on this first system was used alongside the computer-based system when the computer system was found to be fairly unreliable during the first year of use. I also helped develop the website for <the library>'s computer lab, composing much of the text used to explain several of the services that part of the library offered to the <my school> community. My time in <major retail chain> and the <small organic food co-op> saw me further taking on self-delegated projects to improve the overall efficiency and quality of service both stores. At <major retail chain> I maintained a paper inventory of in-store stock, which I reconciled against the computer inventory. At the <small organic food co-op> I played a crucial role in developing, maintaining, and using an order reservation system for two Thanksgiving turkey promotions as well as a waste-monitoring system for the occasionally high-loss meat department.

Ultimately, my helpful and considerate nature is what has motivated me to go above and beyond my specific work duties and become even greater assets to my past employers. I enjoy assisting those around me with whatever business brings them into my immediate area, and take great pride in knowing an organization is better off for having me work in it. I have been cited numerous times at <major retail chain> and the <small organic food co-op> for my going the extra proverbial mile in dispensing information (happily finding answers I might not have at the time and always being sure to follow up with anyone I start to help), for being sure to respect and honor any unique concerns a customer might have had in regards to special orders or simply just making best use of the stores' regular services, and for my skill in resolving the occasional customer conflict or dissatisfaction which will inevitably happen in customer service, no matter how competent and dedicated I or my coworkers are. I have even inspired letters of appreciation from long-term customers at the <small organic food co-op> for maintaining long-term relationships between them and the store, and always putting forth an out of the ordinary effort just for them (though I do extend this quality of service to all around me).

I really would enjoy putting these skills and tendencies to good use for <your school>, as not only is this position not only a great way to capitalize on my joy of serving other human beings, but also for the fact that <your school>'s commitment to philanthropy and improving the state of the world we all share is analogous to my own. I hope to hear from you soon, and I wish whomever is reading this the best of luck in your job search, and in whatever else you may find yourself doing.

I'm afraid this one is a little long at this point (and yeah, the quote was filtered for length so that's what's up with that font size). Oh yeah, the HR dept I am going to submit this to has a "no phone calls" policy, so I'm not sure how to follow up and generally schmooze.

Next, the Admissions Counselor cover, which is also going to the same school. I'm more confident about this one, though feedback on this one would be great too.

Quote:

I am writing you today to express my interest in the Admissions Counselor position (#xxxxxx) as described on the <your school's> HR website. In addition to being technically and clerically qualified to work within at team office environment such as the Office of Undergraduate Admissions, my own experience as a student in one of the most comparable schools in the area in regards to co-ed private eduation, academic excellence, and service to my fellow brothers and sisters in this world.

As the first person in my very low income family to ever attend a private four year institution and graduate with a Bachelor degree, I am most qualified to advise potential student on the realities of collegiate life from a severely disadvantaged person's perspective. I grew up in a very isolated and oppurtunity-lacking part of rural Minnesota, and had it not been for my being accepted at <my school> (and their excellent financial aid programs) my professional prospects would have remained exceptionally limited and bleak. While I am of European descent and cannot say I have experienced the level of discrimination persons of color do sometimes endure in our society, I do know how terrible it is to question the viability of pursuing one's dreams without any sort of support structure or connections enjoyed by those who are more affluent or otherwise advantaged. I also know that with institutions such as the <your school> and of course my beloved <my school>, it is indeed possible for someone at least as equally marginalized by society as I felt to better themselves and do something worthwhile in this world. Macalester's commitment to fostering an international scale is at its core the same as <your school>'s mission to lead bright young people into lives of service to their common man.

I see serving as an admissions counselor at <your school> would help me to stay true to the ideals of social justice and philanthropic brotherhood instilled in me by my own alma mater, all the while doing something to support an equally worthwhile and altruistic institution. This would be an oppurtunity to give the same great opurtunity I was given to others like me (and maybe a few unlike me, but equally deserving and with the same good nature), and I do sincerely hope to talk to you fine people some time within the near future. I thank you for reading this over and giving me your consideration, and I do hope to hear from you in the near future.

So yeah, there they are, tell me what you think, though bear in mind these are both first drafts and I am aware there are a few typos and other errors in the language I need to fix (partially why I'm looking for someone else to look through these). I know there are a lot of exceptionally intelligent and experienced people who read/post here, so any constructive criticisms and suggestions are most valued. Thanks

maleficent · 06-08-2006, 07:51 AM

YAY for you for putting together the cover letters - too many people don't... and it seems l ike you put a lot of thought into it.

(i'm the last person who should mention this... but)
Run 'em both thru a spell checker - my lousy spelling noticed a few spelling errors...

my first thought on the first letter.. It's just too long.. the point (in my delusional little world) of the cover letter is to tease the person reading it - make them want to bring you in for an interview to get to know more about you... I think you're giving too much away... it should be about 2 -3 paragraphs at most... covering the high points of your resume... Customer service/Co Worker support.. etc - basically how you would be a good fit with the position.

End the cover letter saying you'd like to schedule a followup appointment at their convenience and let them know where you can be contacted.

Also - retail gives you tons of experience that are easily adaptable in the real world - as your cover letter points out... Customer service is a skill... An Admin Asst is all about customer service...

Good luck

CrotchrocketSlm · 06-08-2006, 07:58 AM

I generally finalize the actual text of things and then just spellcheck all at once, though I appreciate you noticing this. Any specific thoughts on what to prune? I can't honestly decide what is wheat and what is chaff at this point, and I do feel the need to emphasize specifit examples of my past performances to intrigue them further, and set me apart from the flood of other covers I'm sure they are getting at this time. Are you saying this is the incorrect way to do this, or do you think I should just cut out maybe some specific things, like some of the projects I took on in retail?

ngdawg · 06-09-2006, 04:22 AM

Let's see if I can shorten this up a bit:
My professional history has given me the skills and temperament to be an excellent administrative assistant. I enjoy seeking out new ways to further organize and add efficiency to my position.
I created the first paper check out system for a then-fledgling laptop checkout program, and a lightly-modified version based heavily on this first system was used alongside the computer-based system . I also helped develop the website for 's computer lab, composing much of the text used to explain several of the services that part of the library offered to the community. My time in and the saw me further taking on self-delegated projects to improve the overall efficiency and quality of service both stores. At I maintained a paper inventory of in-store stock, which I reconciled against the computer inventory. At the I played a crucial role in developing, maintaining, and using an order reservation system for two Thanksgiving turkey promotions as well as a waste-monitoring system for the occasionally high-loss meat department.

Ultimately, my helpful and considerate nature is what has motivated me to go above and beyond my specific work duties and become even greater assets to my past employers. I enjoy assisting those around me with whatever business brings them into my immediate area. I have been cited numerous times at and the for my going the extra proverbial mile in dispensing information,for being sure to respect and honor any unique concerns a customer might have had in regards to special orders or simply just making best use of the stores' regular services, and for my skill in resolving the occasional customer conflict or dissatisfaction. I have inspired letters of appreciation from long-term customers at the for maintaining long-term relationships between them and the store, and always putting forth an out of the ordinary effort just for them.
I really would enjoy putting these skills and tendencies to good use for . I feel I have a lot to offer---and look forward to the opportunity to discuss this position with you soon.

That should do it. A couple of things to remember when sending out a cover letter. A) Keep it as short as you can. They know you want the job; so do others. The letter really should highlight your academics right off as they will just skim the letter, not read it word for word. And they know what the job needs, so saying what you think it needs is not necessary. B) A lot of people make this mistake-never thank them in the letter for anything. "Look forward to" or "I appreciate your taking the time" works better. Thank you's come after the interview.
A cover letter is just a synopsis of the resume that goes with it and a very brief description of what you can offer them.
Good luck!

applesauce · 06-09-2006, 05:28 PM

Everything in your letter is I, I, I; I can do this, I have done that, etc. Instead of just saying "I can do this", say "My ability to do this would benefit your company this way". Don't just say what you can do. Say why being able to do it would make you the perfect person for the job. It might require a little research into the organization, but it'll help you sell yourself a lot better. Remember, the person doing the hiring is looking for someone who's the right person for their company, and you want to make it easy for them to see you as that person. Show that you're interested in them, and it makes it more likely that they'll be interested in you.

thingstodo · 06-10-2006, 01:26 PM

Try writing a letter with four paragraphs. This is called the power format.

The first paragraph should be about two sentences long...why you are writing and what's in it for them.

Next paragraph... list a few pertinent facts. Three-four sentences with a clear topic sentence that covers the purpose of the paragraph.

Third one... your opinion of the facts or the potential impact of those facts. Again, make sure to use a clear topic sentence.

The last paragraph should be a call to action. Thank them for reading this and list a next step, like when you might follow up if that is appropriate.

If the reader reads each topic sentence it should provide a message without reading all the content.

Believe me, with all the resumes you get something that is well written, businesslike and on point gets much more attention than a resume re-written in letter form. Those get lost in the shuffle. Write a letter that teases someone into reading your resume.

By the way, if you can craft your letter to reflect the fact that you have done some research on their company, you can relate your stuff in that context.

And remember your primary purpose - you want an interview. That's when the other stuff can come out. You first need to get in the door and that's what this package is all about. Oh, and mailed unfolded is nice with a typed label, never hand written.

Rodney · 06-10-2006, 08:09 PM

I agree with what everyone is saying, and let me make a pitch for the active voice. It's much more dynamic, too the point, and easy to parse grammatically.

You write:

I am writing you today to express my interest in the Administrative Assistant II position (#xxxxxxx) on the HR website. I am actively seeking an office assistant opportunity in a demanding, non-profit multi-tasking office. My experience in retail and working at 's have equipped me with a multitude of skills, and I would be most pleased to continue my growth at the .

I write:

Please accept my resume for the Administrative Assistant II position advertised on your website. I seek an office position in a demanding, yadayada. I offer you valuable skills in X and Y. From you, I hope for the ability to hone those skills in a challenging and dynamic environment yadayadayada.

Like that.

thingstodo · 06-12-2006, 01:14 PM

Try to avoid those old sayings like "attached please find" or per our conversation", etc. When you send a resume just say here is my resume or I am interested in your position, etc. "Please accept" is good as well, especially since yoiu hope they'll accept you, too!

06-08-2006, 07:51 AM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	YAY for you for putting together the cover letters - too many people don't... and it seems l ike you put a lot of thought into it. (i'm the last person who should mention this... but) Run 'em both thru a spell checker - my lousy spelling noticed a few spelling errors... my first thought on the first letter.. It's just too long.. the point (in my delusional little world) of the cover letter is to tease the person reading it - make them want to bring you in for an interview to get to know more about you... I think you're giving too much away... it should be about 2 -3 paragraphs at most... covering the high points of your resume... Customer service/Co Worker support.. etc - basically how you would be a good fit with the position. End the cover letter saying you'd like to schedule a followup appointment at their convenience and let them know where you can be contacted. Also - retail gives you tons of experience that are easily adaptable in the real world - as your cover letter points out... Customer service is a skill... An Admin Asst is all about customer service... Good luck __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less. Last edited by maleficent; 06-08-2006 at 07:53 AM..

06-09-2006, 04:22 AM	#4 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Let's see if I can shorten this up a bit: My professional history has given me the skills and temperament to be an excellent administrative assistant. I enjoy seeking out new ways to further organize and add efficiency to my position. I created the first paper check out system for a then-fledgling laptop checkout program, and a lightly-modified version based heavily on this first system was used alongside the computer-based system . I also helped develop the website for 's computer lab, composing much of the text used to explain several of the services that part of the library offered to the community. My time in and the saw me further taking on self-delegated projects to improve the overall efficiency and quality of service both stores. At I maintained a paper inventory of in-store stock, which I reconciled against the computer inventory. At the I played a crucial role in developing, maintaining, and using an order reservation system for two Thanksgiving turkey promotions as well as a waste-monitoring system for the occasionally high-loss meat department. Ultimately, my helpful and considerate nature is what has motivated me to go above and beyond my specific work duties and become even greater assets to my past employers. I enjoy assisting those around me with whatever business brings them into my immediate area. I have been cited numerous times at and the for my going the extra proverbial mile in dispensing information,for being sure to respect and honor any unique concerns a customer might have had in regards to special orders or simply just making best use of the stores' regular services, and for my skill in resolving the occasional customer conflict or dissatisfaction. I have inspired letters of appreciation from long-term customers at the for maintaining long-term relationships between them and the store, and always putting forth an out of the ordinary effort just for them. I really would enjoy putting these skills and tendencies to good use for . I feel I have a lot to offer---and look forward to the opportunity to discuss this position with you soon. That should do it. A couple of things to remember when sending out a cover letter. A) Keep it as short as you can. They know you want the job; so do others. The letter really should highlight your academics right off as they will just skim the letter, not read it word for word. And they know what the job needs, so saying what you think it needs is not necessary. B) A lot of people make this mistake-never thank them in the letter for anything. "Look forward to" or "I appreciate your taking the time" works better. Thank you's come after the interview. A cover letter is just a synopsis of the resume that goes with it and a very brief description of what you can offer them. Good luck! __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

06-10-2006, 01:26 PM	#6 (permalink)
thingstodo A Storm Is Coming Location: The Great White North	Try writing a letter with four paragraphs. This is called the power format. The first paragraph should be about two sentences long...why you are writing and what's in it for them. Next paragraph... list a few pertinent facts. Three-four sentences with a clear topic sentence that covers the purpose of the paragraph. Third one... your opinion of the facts or the potential impact of those facts. Again, make sure to use a clear topic sentence. The last paragraph should be a call to action. Thank them for reading this and list a next step, like when you might follow up if that is appropriate. If the reader reads each topic sentence it should provide a message without reading all the content. Believe me, with all the resumes you get something that is well written, businesslike and on point gets much more attention than a resume re-written in letter form. Those get lost in the shuffle. Write a letter that teases someone into reading your resume. By the way, if you can craft your letter to reflect the fact that you have done some research on their company, you can relate your stuff in that context. And remember your primary purpose - you want an interview. That's when the other stuff can come out. You first need to get in the door and that's what this package is all about. Oh, and mailed unfolded is nice with a typed label, never hand written. __________________ If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves. Stangers have the best candy.

06-12-2006, 01:14 PM	#8 (permalink)
thingstodo A Storm Is Coming Location: The Great White North	Try to avoid those old sayings like "attached please find" or per our conversation", etc. When you send a resume just say here is my resume or I am interested in your position, etc. "Please accept" is good as well, especially since yoiu hope they'll accept you, too! __________________ If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves. Stangers have the best candy.

06-08-2006, 07:58 AM	#3 (permalink)
CrotchrocketSlm Crazy Location: St Paul, MN	I generally finalize the actual text of things and then just spellcheck all at once, though I appreciate you noticing this. Any specific thoughts on what to prune? I can't honestly decide what is wheat and what is chaff at this point, and I do feel the need to emphasize specifit examples of my past performances to intrigue them further, and set me apart from the flood of other covers I'm sure they are getting at this time. Are you saying this is the incorrect way to do this, or do you think I should just cut out maybe some specific things, like some of the projects I took on in retail?

06-09-2006, 05:28 PM	#5 (permalink)
applesauce Upright	Everything in your letter is I, I, I; I can do this, I have done that, etc. Instead of just saying "I can do this", say "My ability to do this would benefit your company this way". Don't just say what you can do. Say why being able to do it would make you the perfect person for the job. It might require a little research into the organization, but it'll help you sell yourself a lot better. Remember, the person doing the hiring is looking for someone who's the right person for their company, and you want to make it easy for them to see you as that person. Show that you're interested in them, and it makes it more likely that they'll be interested in you.

06-10-2006, 08:09 PM	#7 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	I agree with what everyone is saying, and let me make a pitch for the active voice. It's much more dynamic, too the point, and easy to parse grammatically. You write: I am writing you today to express my interest in the Administrative Assistant II position (#xxxxxxx) on the HR website. I am actively seeking an office assistant opportunity in a demanding, non-profit multi-tasking office. My experience in retail and working at 's have equipped me with a multitude of skills, and I would be most pleased to continue my growth at the . I write: Please accept my resume for the Administrative Assistant II position advertised on your website. I seek an office position in a demanding, yadayada. I offer you valuable skills in X and Y. From you, I hope for the ability to hone those skills in a challenging and dynamic environment yadayadayada. Like that.