Geek Jokes - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

uncle phil · 05-07-2003, 02:31 AM

A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a
Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical
processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even
higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E
is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end
the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the
wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process."
E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in
9-dimensional space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."

ARTelevision · 05-07-2003, 03:36 AM

heh heh.
Just a kudos on this thread.
I check in daily and take these to work!
Thanks, all.

Peetster · 05-07-2003, 07:21 AM

A scientist once accidently ingested some alpha-L-glucose with no ill effects. Aparently he was ambidextrose.

Peetster · 05-07-2003, 07:26 AM

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and a programmer were out driving one day when the car died. The mechE was certain that it was a drive train issue, while the EE suggested an electrical solution.

The programmer said, "I don't know what's wrong, but if we all get out of the car, then get back in, it should work."

uncle phil · 05-08-2003, 02:05 AM

What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
circumference of a circle and its diameter.

Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927plus or minus 0.000000005

Engineer: Pi is about 3.

Peetster · 05-08-2003, 12:27 PM

Posted over an inn: "Heisenberg might have slept here"

Peetster · 05-08-2003, 12:30 PM

Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:
"Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

uncle phil · 05-09-2003, 02:58 AM

When considering the behavior of a howitzer:

A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.

A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.

An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

rogue49 · 05-09-2003, 03:32 AM

If this is BLUE then you are surfing WAY too fast!

MasterOfDisaste · 05-09-2003, 03:38 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by rogue49

If this is BLUE then you are surfing WAY too fast!

no thats just brilliant

had my final exam on physics lasst monday

Peetster · 05-10-2003, 12:55 PM

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all).

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

vulture · 05-11-2003, 12:22 PM

the one with the blue...

just great !

suviko · 05-11-2003, 12:51 PM

A man is walking down the street. He looks over and sees a frog sitting there on the sidewalk. The frog looks up and says in a sweet voice, "I am really a princess. If you kiss me just once, I will return to my human form and do anything for you." The man picks up the frog, looks at it, and places it in his pocket. He then heads on his way again. Shortly a voice is heard from his pocket: "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything for you." The man takes the frog froms his pocket, looks at it for a moment, and returns is to his pocket.

Shortly the voice is heard again, this time with a frustrated tone: "Hey! What's wrong with you?! I said if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you want!"

The man pulls out the frog and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer science student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is kind of neat."

uncle phil · 05-12-2003, 03:39 AM

Why did Microsoft hire Gary Hart to announce their delivery schedules?

To improve their credibility.

uncle phil · 05-13-2003, 02:40 AM

What is the difference between a used-car salesman and a computer salesman?

The used-car salesman knows when he's lying to you!

uncle phil · 05-14-2003, 02:22 AM

Lunch, the Hewlitt Packard Way

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which began...

MMU's (Main Menu Units)

0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
bun and condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir?"

"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"

"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?"

I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"

"The patty is rated at eight bites."

"Well, how about the rest of it?"

"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."

"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002 'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."

"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration."

"What now?" I kept my voice steady.

"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."

"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"

"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

"Implementation assistance?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis?"

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to grom dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

uncle phil · 05-15-2003, 02:07 AM

A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software--regardless of how insignificant," said the master.

"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.

"It is," came the reply.

"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.

"It is even in a video game," said the master.

"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"

The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said.

Quadraton · 05-15-2003, 08:25 AM

This is a little outdated, but one I always found amusing

=========================================

The year is 1999, and the government is extremely worried about Y2K crashing all their systems. Unfortunately, as all their software is written in COBOL, they have to bring an old COBOL programmer out of retirement.

The programmer agrees to the task, and begins looking through all the government's code. For months he pours himself over all the software, but the more he looks, the more grim the situation appears. He keeps going until he finally realizes that the world will be doomed come Jan 1, 2000. Computers will crash, planes will fall from the skies, and the stock markets around the world will collapse. He decides that he cannot live in such an apocolyptic world, so he runs away to have his body cryogenically frozen, with instructions to be woken up in the future when all these problems have been solved.

Fast forward 8000 years later. The programmer is unfrozen and when he finally regains his sight, he sees before him an advanced race of human beings.

"Why have I been unfrozen?", he asks. "Have all the problems of the year 2000 finally been solved?"

"Yes", replies one of the advanced humans. "They were solved many generations ago. However, that is not the reason we have unfrozen you. The year is 9999. In about 3 months, it will be the year 10,000, and we understand you know COBOL."

uncle phil · 05-15-2003, 01:05 PM

that's great, quad...keep them coming...

macmanmike6100 · 05-16-2003, 12:09 AM

some of the best!

uncle phil · 05-16-2003, 02:15 AM

With such a large selection of programming languages it can be difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand, most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable automobiles.

Assembler
A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and expensive to maintain.

FORTRAN II
A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.

FORTRAN IV
A Model A Ford.

FORTRAN 77
A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.

COBOL
A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work.

BASIC
A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one.

PL/I
A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two- tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield

C
A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).

ALGOL 60
An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car.

Pascal
A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectuals.

Modula II
A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.

ALGOL 68
An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone can drive it.

LISP
An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.

PROLOG/LUCID
Prototype concept-cars.

Maple/MACSYMA
All-terrain vehicles.

FORTH
A go-cart.

LOGO
A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.

APL
A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.

Ada
An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for the generals, it's good enough for you. Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the design specification are starting to clear up.

uncle phil · 05-17-2003, 03:17 AM

Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He though to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?" "Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K, "I've been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disk packs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old line, "Would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" but Mini was again one clock tick ahead.

Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM" she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core," was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and opened her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.

"No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!"

"Reset, baby," he replied. "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No!" she squealed. "That's too error prone and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off. Mini stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!"

egorey · 05-17-2003, 08:47 PM

Sorry for this one in advance...

Why do geeks get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

uncle phil · 05-18-2003, 01:48 PM

In the Apple vs. IBM/Microsoft lawsuit, Apple is ahead on points. After a long weekend of preparation, the Apple lawyer met the IBM lawyer outside the courtroom and was overheard to say, "You look like I feel."

uncle phil · 05-19-2003, 02:25 AM

Soon available at checkout counters everywhere:

*NATIONAL COMP SCI ENQUIRER*

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Turing machine with two heads!

STARTLING EVIDENCE: LISP came from Mars?

SHOCKING EXPOSE: Illegal core dumping in Lake Erie!

TRUE STORY: Man inverts singular matrix and lives to tell!

REVELATION: Top scientist discovers New Jersey on Karnaugh map!

OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest!

PSYCHIC PREDICTS: Fixed points will break again!

CIA SECRET: Proof of P=NP found in UFO!

ANALYSTS PANIC: Prime numbers missing from IEEE floating point?

SOFTWARE REVOLUTION: Marxists scheme classless Smalltalk!

uncle phil · 05-20-2003, 02:39 AM

KnowWare, Inc. announces the following word processing products:

PAIR-O-DOCS - A split-screen basic text editor.

LINE-O-TYPE - A complete WYSIWYGLY Desktop Publishing system.

XY-MORON - A scientific document system, extremely easy-to-use.

WORD WAR I - Specialized editor for defense contractors.

LEFT WRITE - A TSR utility that remaps the keyboard for left-handed typists.

MAC-ULET (University Level Editing Tool) - Oriented to thesis writing.

YAYA (Yet Another YACC Alternative) - A first text editor for grammar schools.

LET US 123 - A basic mathematics teaching package.

All products will be shipping shortly. (We thought of the names already; how long could it take to write them?).

Also announcing a product to be available in the next quarter (century):

LASER TURBO HYPETEX II-PLUS - An object-oriented AI-based 5th-generation vaporware prototyping environment, including proprietary and patented Integrated Buzzword Manufacturing (IBM).

B.T.W., MAC and YACC are S.E.T. (Somebody Else's Trademarks).

uncle phil · 05-21-2003, 03:01 AM

DP Man
(sung to the tune "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)

It's eight o'clock on a Monday,
The programming crowd staggers in,
There's a user by my terminal,
With drool running off of his chin.
He says, "Son, can you code me some processing,
I'm not really sure what I want,
But it's short and it's sweet and it's NP-complete
And it has to be finished by lunch."

Chorus:

They say, "Write us some code, you're the DP man,
Write us some code today,
'Cause we need this report for the CEO,
And he wants it by yesterday."

Now, Tim at the console's a friend of mine,
He bumps up my priority,
And he'll bum me a smoke or some Twinkies and Coke,
But there's someplace that he'd rather be.
He said, "Paul, I believe it's a dead-end here,"
As the smile ran away from his face,
"But I'm sure I could find work with IBM,
If I could get out of this place."

Now, Mark is a frustrated racing man,
Whose license is riding on luck,
And he's talking with Jeff who scares mopeds to death,
With those forty-inch tires on his truck.
Well, it's pretty good code for a Monday,
And my team leader gives me a smirk,
'Cause he knows that it's me they'll be coming to see,
When they find out that it didn't work.

And the keyboard, it clicks like a tickertape
And the CRT screams like a jet,
And they walk by my cube and throw pens at my tube,
And say, "Man, ain't they fixed that thing yet ?"
And the old hands are screaming to standardize,
As the patches and kludges pile up,
'Cause this place is a hacker's own paradise:
It's a string-handling-in-Fortran shop.

MacGnG · 05-21-2003, 10:17 PM

TOO MANY BAD JOKES!!! AAAHHHH

uncle phil · 05-22-2003, 02:34 AM

I once got an especially helpful reply to a question I asked on Microsoft's on-line tech support service. I wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply, and said how much I appreciated it.

The next day I had a response:

"We are looking into the problem and will contact you with a solution as soon as possible."

uncle phil · 05-23-2003, 03:02 AM

Why was Stonehenge abandoned?

It wasn't IBM compatible.

oblar · 05-23-2003, 03:24 AM

What is the square root of 4*b^2 ?

Two be, or not two be.

------------------------------------------------

There are 10 types of people in this world.. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

uncle phil · 05-24-2003, 06:34 AM

A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.

The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. "Time to buy a new car!" he announces.

Says the hardware engineer, "Well, first let's try swapping the front and rear tires, and see if that fixes it."

Replies the software engineer, "Naw, let's just try driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself."

riptide4070 · 05-24-2003, 06:36 AM

us geeks and dorks are so predictable!

uncle phil · 05-25-2003, 05:11 AM

There was a mad scientist (a mad SOCIAL scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.

A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,and escaped.

The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.

The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:

THEOREM: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
PROOF: Assume the opposite ...

gloveshot3 · 05-25-2003, 06:10 AM

what is the differance between a constipated mathematition and a constipated engineer???

the matheematician can work it out with a pencil, the engineer needs to use a slide rule

uncle phil · 05-26-2003, 03:13 AM

The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear.

They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside.

At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst: "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."

The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long.

Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got nearer - and suddenly there was the salesman, running across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had ever seen.

"Open the door!" shouted the salesman. The analyst opened the door. The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside.

The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the door and disappeared inside.

The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked at the analyst, and said:

"Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another."

uncle phil · 05-27-2003, 02:48 AM

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

uncle phil · 05-28-2003, 02:35 AM

Heard about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the world's oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adam's rib. The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing.

The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos!

The programmer simply smiled and said:

"Where do you think the Chaos came from?"

uncle phil · 05-29-2003, 02:34 AM

One day, after I logged in to my e-mail, I discovered that new mail was waiting for me in my reader. The lengthy message was prefaced by the heading:

"From: Mailer@<machine>: Your message could not be sent ..etc"
"Reason: Address unknown..."

Upon scanning this returned letter, I discovered that it had not been written by me at all, and that the intended recipient and sender were thousands of miles away, apparently the unfortunate victims of a random mailer screw-up. The first sentence of that letter, though, I will always remember:

"My dearest Janice:
At last, we have a method of non-verbal communication which is
completely private..."

uncle phil · 05-30-2003, 02:35 AM

I just received a set of patches for the Income Tax Act. Literally. The instructions call them patches.

"The following patch should replace lines 1 through 8 of column 1 on page 931." Cut out along the dotted lines, moisten and affix.

I guess we sometimes forget what patch REALLY means...

05-07-2003, 02:31 AM	#41 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?" M: "I just visualize the process." E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?" M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-07-2003, 03:36 AM	#42 (permalink)
ARTelevision I change Location: USA	heh heh. Just a kudos on this thread. I check in daily and take these to work! Thanks, all. __________________ create evolution

05-08-2003, 02:05 AM	#45 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	What is "pi"? Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter. Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927plus or minus 0.000000005 Engineer: Pi is about 3. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-09-2003, 02:58 AM	#48 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	When considering the behavior of a howitzer: A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. An engineer will stand there and try to catch it. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-12-2003, 03:39 AM	#54 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Why did Microsoft hire Gary Hart to announce their delivery schedules? To improve their credibility. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-07-2003, 07:21 AM	#43 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	A scientist once accidently ingested some alpha-L-glucose with no ill effects. Aparently he was ambidextrose.

05-07-2003, 07:26 AM	#44 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and a programmer were out driving one day when the car died. The mechE was certain that it was a drive train issue, while the EE suggested an electrical solution. The programmer said, "I don't know what's wrong, but if we all get out of the car, then get back in, it should work."

05-08-2003, 12:27 PM	#46 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	Posted over an inn: "Heisenberg might have slept here"

05-08-2003, 12:30 PM	#47 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	Seen on the door to a light-wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

05-09-2003, 03:32 AM	#49 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	If this is BLUE then you are surfing WAY too fast!

05-10-2003, 12:55 PM	#51 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

05-11-2003, 12:22 PM	#52 (permalink)
vulture Tilted Location: Switzerland	the one with the blue... just great !

05-11-2003, 12:51 PM	#53 (permalink)
suviko Banned	A man is walking down the street. He looks over and sees a frog sitting there on the sidewalk. The frog looks up and says in a sweet voice, "I am really a princess. If you kiss me just once, I will return to my human form and do anything for you." The man picks up the frog, looks at it, and places it in his pocket. He then heads on his way again. Shortly a voice is heard from his pocket: "Didn't you hear me? If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything for you." The man takes the frog froms his pocket, looks at it for a moment, and returns is to his pocket. Shortly the voice is heard again, this time with a frustrated tone: "Hey! What's wrong with you?! I said if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you want!" The man pulls out the frog and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer science student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is kind of neat."

05-13-2003, 02:40 AM	#55 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	What is the difference between a used-car salesman and a computer salesman? The used-car salesman knows when he's lying to you! __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-14-2003, 02:22 AM	#56 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Lunch, the Hewlitt Packard Way This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life. I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch. This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which began... MMU's (Main Menu Units) 0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun. Must order comdiments 00110A separately 001 Deletes seeds. 002 Expands burger to two patties. 00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and condiments. 001 Add-on bacon. 002 Delete second patty. 003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese. 00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger 001 From Single Burger. 002 From Double Burger. 003 Return credit for bun. 00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A 001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A. My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress looked at me like I was an alien. "How would you like to order that, sir?" "Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?" "No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?" I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?" "The patty is rated at eight bites." "Well, how about the rest of it?" "I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade." My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002 'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers. "But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented." I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited. "What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!" The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided, sir?" "Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish. "Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too." "That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in again. "That's not a supported configuration." "What now?" I kept my voice steady. "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it." "Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it." The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir." I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them." I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask. "Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?" "Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget. "Implementation assistance?" "You get a waiter." "Implementation analysis?" You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat." "Response Center Support?" "He brings it to your table." "Extended materials?" "You get refills." I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin. Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away." I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to grom dim, my eyesight faded... I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-16-2003, 12:09 AM	#60 (permalink)
macmanmike6100 High Honorary Junkie Location: Tri-state.	some of the best!

05-21-2003, 10:17 PM	#68 (permalink)
MacGnG Know Where!	TOO MANY BAD JOKES!!! AAAHHHH

05-15-2003, 02:07 AM	#57 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software--regardless of how insignificant," said the master. "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. "It is," came the reply. "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. "It is even in a video game," said the master. "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-15-2003, 08:25 AM	#58 (permalink)
Quadraton Addict Location: Ottawa, ON, Canada	This is a little outdated, but one I always found amusing ========================================= The year is 1999, and the government is extremely worried about Y2K crashing all their systems. Unfortunately, as all their software is written in COBOL, they have to bring an old COBOL programmer out of retirement. The programmer agrees to the task, and begins looking through all the government's code. For months he pours himself over all the software, but the more he looks, the more grim the situation appears. He keeps going until he finally realizes that the world will be doomed come Jan 1, 2000. Computers will crash, planes will fall from the skies, and the stock markets around the world will collapse. He decides that he cannot live in such an apocolyptic world, so he runs away to have his body cryogenically frozen, with instructions to be woken up in the future when all these problems have been solved. Fast forward 8000 years later. The programmer is unfrozen and when he finally regains his sight, he sees before him an advanced race of human beings. "Why have I been unfrozen?", he asks. "Have all the problems of the year 2000 finally been solved?" "Yes", replies one of the advanced humans. "They were solved many generations ago. However, that is not the reason we have unfrozen you. The year is 9999. In about 3 months, it will be the year 10,000, and we understand you know COBOL." __________________ "A witty saying proves nothing" - Voltaire Last edited by Quadraton; 05-15-2003 at 08:37 AM..

05-15-2003, 01:05 PM	#59 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	that's great, quad...keep them coming... __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-16-2003, 02:15 AM	#61 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	With such a large selection of programming languages it can be difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand, most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable automobiles. Assembler A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and expensive to maintain. FORTRAN II A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road. FORTRAN IV A Model A Ford. FORTRAN 77 A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts. COBOL A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work. BASIC A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one. PL/I A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two- tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield C A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler). ALGOL 60 An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car. Pascal A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectuals. Modula II A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch. ALGOL 68 An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone can drive it. LISP An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available. PROLOG/LUCID Prototype concept-cars. Maple/MACSYMA All-terrain vehicles. FORTH A go-cart. LOGO A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn. APL A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek. Ada An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for the generals, it's good enough for you. Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the design specification are starting to clear up. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-17-2003, 03:17 AM	#62 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing. One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He though to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight." He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?" "Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions. Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on." Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K, "I've been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disk packs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'd like my firmware?" They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old line, "Would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" but Mini was again one clock tick ahead. Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM" she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core," was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off. Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and opened her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence. "No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!" "Reset, baby," he replied. "I've been debugged." "But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes," she protested. "Don't run away," he said. "I'll generate an interrupt." "No!" she squealed. "That's too error prone and I can't abort because of my design philosophy." But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off. Mini stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep. "Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!" __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-17-2003, 08:47 PM	#63 (permalink)
egorey Crazy	Sorry for this one in advance... Why do geeks get Halloween and Christmas confused? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

05-18-2003, 01:48 PM	#64 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	In the Apple vs. IBM/Microsoft lawsuit, Apple is ahead on points. After a long weekend of preparation, the Apple lawyer met the IBM lawyer outside the courtroom and was overheard to say, "You look like I feel." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-19-2003, 02:25 AM	#65 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Soon available at checkout counters everywhere: NATIONAL COMP SCI ENQUIRER EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Turing machine with two heads! STARTLING EVIDENCE: LISP came from Mars? SHOCKING EXPOSE: Illegal core dumping in Lake Erie! TRUE STORY: Man inverts singular matrix and lives to tell! REVELATION: Top scientist discovers New Jersey on Karnaugh map! OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest! PSYCHIC PREDICTS: Fixed points will break again! CIA SECRET: Proof of P=NP found in UFO! ANALYSTS PANIC: Prime numbers missing from IEEE floating point? SOFTWARE REVOLUTION: Marxists scheme classless Smalltalk! __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-20-2003, 02:39 AM	#66 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	KnowWare, Inc. announces the following word processing products: PAIR-O-DOCS - A split-screen basic text editor. LINE-O-TYPE - A complete WYSIWYGLY Desktop Publishing system. XY-MORON - A scientific document system, extremely easy-to-use. WORD WAR I - Specialized editor for defense contractors. LEFT WRITE - A TSR utility that remaps the keyboard for left-handed typists. MAC-ULET (University Level Editing Tool) - Oriented to thesis writing. YAYA (Yet Another YACC Alternative) - A first text editor for grammar schools. LET US 123 - A basic mathematics teaching package. All products will be shipping shortly. (We thought of the names already; how long could it take to write them?). Also announcing a product to be available in the next quarter (century): LASER TURBO HYPETEX II-PLUS - An object-oriented AI-based 5th-generation vaporware prototyping environment, including proprietary and patented Integrated Buzzword Manufacturing (IBM). B.T.W., MAC and YACC are S.E.T. (Somebody Else's Trademarks). __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-21-2003, 03:01 AM	#67 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	DP Man (sung to the tune "Piano Man" by Billy Joel) It's eight o'clock on a Monday, The programming crowd staggers in, There's a user by my terminal, With drool running off of his chin. He says, "Son, can you code me some processing, I'm not really sure what I want, But it's short and it's sweet and it's NP-complete And it has to be finished by lunch." Chorus: They say, "Write us some code, you're the DP man, Write us some code today, 'Cause we need this report for the CEO, And he wants it by yesterday." Now, Tim at the console's a friend of mine, He bumps up my priority, And he'll bum me a smoke or some Twinkies and Coke, But there's someplace that he'd rather be. He said, "Paul, I believe it's a dead-end here," As the smile ran away from his face, "But I'm sure I could find work with IBM, If I could get out of this place." Now, Mark is a frustrated racing man, Whose license is riding on luck, And he's talking with Jeff who scares mopeds to death, With those forty-inch tires on his truck. Well, it's pretty good code for a Monday, And my team leader gives me a smirk, 'Cause he knows that it's me they'll be coming to see, When they find out that it didn't work. And the keyboard, it clicks like a tickertape And the CRT screams like a jet, And they walk by my cube and throw pens at my tube, And say, "Man, ain't they fixed that thing yet ?" And the old hands are screaming to standardize, As the patches and kludges pile up, 'Cause this place is a hacker's own paradise: It's a string-handling-in-Fortran shop. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-22-2003, 02:34 AM	#69 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	I once got an especially helpful reply to a question I asked on Microsoft's on-line tech support service. I wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply, and said how much I appreciated it. The next day I had a response: "We are looking into the problem and will contact you with a solution as soon as possible." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-23-2003, 03:02 AM	#70 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Why was Stonehenge abandoned? It wasn't IBM compatible. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-23-2003, 03:24 AM	#71 (permalink)
oblar Über-Rookie Location: No longer, D.C	What is the square root of 4*b^2 ? Two be, or not two be. ------------------------------------------------ There are 10 types of people in this world.. Those who understand binary and those who don't. __________________ "All that we can do is just survive. .All that we can do to help ourselves is stay alive." - Rush

05-24-2003, 06:34 AM	#72 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate. The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. "Time to buy a new car!" he announces. Says the hardware engineer, "Well, first let's try swapping the front and rear tires, and see if that fixes it." Replies the software engineer, "Naw, let's just try driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-24-2003, 06:36 AM	#73 (permalink)
riptide4070 Addict Location: Boone, NC	us geeks and dorks are so predictable! __________________ "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist" -Kevin Spacey 'The Usual Suspects'

05-25-2003, 05:11 AM	#74 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	There was a mad scientist (a mad SOCIAL scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,and escaped. The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood: THEOREM: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. PROOF: Assume the opposite ... __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-25-2003, 06:10 AM	#75 (permalink)
gloveshot3 Crazy	what is the differance between a constipated mathematition and a constipated engineer??? the matheematician can work it out with a pencil, the engineer needs to use a slide rule

05-26-2003, 03:13 AM	#76 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear. They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst: "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long. Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got nearer - and suddenly there was the salesman, running across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had ever seen. "Open the door!" shouted the salesman. The analyst opened the door. The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the door and disappeared inside. The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked at the analyst, and said: "Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-27-2003, 02:48 AM	#77 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

05-28-2003, 02:35 AM	#78 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Heard about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the world's oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adam's rib. The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing. The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos! The programmer simply smiled and said: "Where do you think the Chaos came from?" __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.