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Old 05-31-2003, 04:04 AM   #81 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
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Location: upstate
Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

No apologies to statisticians.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Last edited by uncle phil; 05-31-2003 at 04:09 AM..
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Old 06-02-2003, 02:38 AM   #82 (permalink)
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Location: upstate
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?

A: The car salesman can probably drive!
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-02-2003, 02:04 PM   #83 (permalink)
Upright
 
I love it!
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Old 06-03-2003, 02:37 AM   #84 (permalink)
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Super Moderator
Location: upstate
The personal computer industry was rocked recently when Penthouse Magazine merged with Commodore Computers. The joint venture will introduce a new product, the Penthouse PET, billed as a "VERY personal computer designed to satisfy a variety of users' needs."

Planning a new line of velvet and satin software, the company's Times Square R&D facility is working on applications packages for the home entertainment market. One of the niftier applications is a word processing package called SLEAZY WRITER which can generate an almost infinite number of Penthouse Magazine Forum letters using a vocabulary of only fifty words. Other packages include Accounts Painable, Visi-Crotch, a Eunuchs Operating System, Electronic Male, and a graphics package featuring 200 different shades of pink. A user friendly language called VIRGIN will guide first timers every step of the way.

One of the main research thrusts is to develop a warm man-machine interface. According to Penthouse sources, erotica is simply an extension of ergonomics. The PET terminal has been designed with a ribbed exterior and comes in a variety of tropical colors. California publisher Blue Boy is offering an optional AC/DC power supply. A company spokesman also lauded the PET's portability. "With moisture resistant packaging, you can take your PET anywhere - you can go swimming with it, take it into the Jacuzzi, or even go to bed with it."

In addition, the Penthouse PET will be able to interface with the next generation of interactive video discs. Users will be able to pick from a wide variety of fantasies with the aid of a groan-activated selector. Of course the system comes with a joy stick as well.

For the party market, Penthouse has developed a Local Area Network called ORGYNET, which the company claims is a breakthrough in compatibility. With the ORGYNET input-output port, you can stick your plug right in. A cluster controller has also been designed to handle the interactive needs of up to four users at one time. Unlike other LANs which use a single coaxial cable, ORGYNET features a tangle of coax (OEM'd from Cox) and uses TSMA (tactile sense multiple access) to allow up to 69 users to interact with the system and each other simultaneously. Although Penthouse reports that ORGYNET can sustain prolonged interactive sessions, insiders report that the throughput peaks after about 30 seconds.

The PET will be distributed by Frederick's of Hollywood, local news stands, and Sears. Penthouse is also strong in service and maintenance; S&M will be handled by a nationwide fleet of vans equipped with a variety of whips, chains, and other tools.

The new generation of personal computers was totally anticipated by the Yankee Group consultants. From a limp beginning, the erotic information processing market has been rising in recent years and is now quite firm, although the recession has created some soft spots. Penthouse's strategy is to use its solid orders to enter the soft markets, jack up production when things get going, and pull out just before competitors come rising into the market.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-04-2003, 05:01 AM   #85 (permalink)
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Location: upstate
MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replaceable Unit)


MOUSE BALLS ARE NOW AVAILABLE AS A FRU. IF A MOUSE FAILS TO OPERATE,OR SHOULD PERFORM ERRATICALLY, IT MAY BE IN NEED OF BALL REPLACEMENT. BECAUSE OF THE DELICATE NATURE OF THIS PROCEDURE, REPLACEMENT OF MOUSE BALLS SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY TRAINED PERSONNEL ONLY.

BEFORE ORDERING,DETERMINE TYPE OF MOUSE BALLS REQUIRED BY EXAMINING THE UNDERSIDE OF EACH MOUSE. DOMESTIC BALLS WILL BE LARGER AND HARDER THAN FOREIGN BALLS. BALL REMOVAL PROCEDURES DIFFER,DEPENDING UPON MANUFACTURER OF THE MOUSE. FOREIGN BALLS CAN BE REPLACED USING THE POP-OFF METHOD, AND DOMESTIC BALLS REPLACED USING THE TWIST-OFF METHOD. MOUSE BALLS ARE NOT USUALLY STATIC SENSITIVE, HOWEVER, EXCESSIVE HANDLING CAN RESULT IN SUDDEN DISCHARGE. UPON COMPLETION OF BALL REPLACEMENT, THE MOUSE MAY BE USED IMMEDIATELY.

IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT EACH SERVICER HAVE A PAIR OF BALLS FOR MAINTAINING OPTIMUM CUSTOMER SATISFACTION,AND THAT ANY CUSTOMER MISSING HIS BALLS SHOULD SUSPECT LOCAL PERSONNEL OF REMOVING THESE NECESSARY FUNCTIONAL ITEMS.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-05-2003, 03:25 AM   #86 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?

A: To get to the other... um... er...
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-05-2003, 03:53 PM   #87 (permalink)
kel
WARNING: FLAMMABLE
 
Location: Ask Acetylene
Great thread

Just great... I'm not ashamed to enjoy it!
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Old 06-06-2003, 02:21 AM   #88 (permalink)
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uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
The topic for today is quantum physics. Quantum physics was developed in the 1930's, as a result of a bet between Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr, to see who could come up with the most ridiculous theory and still have it published. Most people agree that Bohr won hands down, although Einstein did very well in the swimsuit competition.

One of the most important researchers in quantum physics is Werner Heisenberg, a man with a wonderful sense of humor, who was always cracking one-liners, like "delta-p times delta-x is less than h!" Ha! ha! What a card! This is known as Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which is closely related to Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem, which says that some things are true, but you can't prove them, like when my wife and I argue over whether it's her turn to take out the garbage or not.

What Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says is that if something is small enough, you can't say anything about it. Anyone with the I.Q. of baking powder immediately understood that this means that if you look at something so small that you can't even see it, like my dog, Oscar Wilde's, brain, then you obviously can't tell, say, what color it is.

But some people didn't get the joke, and decided to investigate this principle further. They would gather and sit around all day, drinking beer and performing "Gedankesexperimenten," or "Thank God we're theoretical physicists so we don't have to get our hands dirty with particle accelerators and other heavy machinery." The most famous of these is Schroedinger's Cat, where several physicists kidnap Erwin Schroedinger's cat Fluffy and lock it up in a box, along with a radioactive source such as Cheez Doodles. Then they walk around with concerned expressions on their faces, commenting about how they don't know what's going on inside the box. This goes on until the cleaning lady discovers the box, opens it and tells the physicists whether the cat is dead, or whether it has mutated into a man-eating flea the size of Norway.

The point of this experiment is to show that uncertainty at the quantum level can be detected in the macroscopic world and produce widespread anxiety and paranoia. It also explains why paper clips just lie there while you look at them, but as soon as you turn your back, they run away, giggling wildly, and transform themselves into coat hangers.

Another famous researcher is Richard Feynman, who invented Feynman diagrams, which are bunches of squiggly lines with greek letters next to them. The way they were discovered was, one day, Hans Bethe came in to Feynman's office to say that some of the guys down in particle research were having a jam session down by the cyclotron, and would Richard like to come over and bring his bongos? Feynman was out, at the time, cracking a safe or something, so Bethe tried to leave him a note. On the desk, he found one of Feynman's daughter's kindergarten drawings. Bethe couldn't make head or tail of it, and figured that if even he couldn't understand it, then it must be something Terribly Clever, and promptly called it a Feynman diagram.

This was a major scientific breakthrough, and ever since, proud parents have been hanging their children's Feynman diagrams on refrigerators with little muon-shaped magnets, confident that their Little Darlings are developing important scientific theories every day, because they are, after all, Gifted Children.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-07-2003, 05:11 AM   #89 (permalink)
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Location: upstate
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-07-2003, 07:57 AM   #90 (permalink)
Banned
 
"Arguing with an Electrical Engineer is liking wrestling with a pig in mud, after a while you realise the pig is enjoying it!"
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Old 06-07-2003, 08:46 AM   #91 (permalink)
Hiding Out
 
Not 100% sure this one counts but I'll say it anyways.

A physicist and an artist are walking together. The physicist says "Man I have a Ph.D and I haveta work flipping burgers!"

The artist says "Stop bragging"
__________________
Say yes to the 'Tilted Roleplaying' Forum

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1932&highlight=petition
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Old 06-07-2003, 10:31 AM   #92 (permalink)
Tilted
 
rofl
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Old 06-08-2003, 04:44 AM   #93 (permalink)
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uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
The following glossary of general computing terminology has been compiled by me for the education and benefit of all. Most entries are original; a few I have picked up over the years.

BASIC A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.

BUG An aspect of a computer program which exists because the PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program.

Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.

C A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.

CALTRANS A programming language related to FORTRAN. Also, an inside joke for Californians.

COMMENT A superfluous element of a source program included to the programmer can remember what the hell he was doing six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't.

COMPUTER An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.

CRASH A sudden, unexpected cessation of activity by the computer, accompanied by a sudden, unexpected increase in activity by the system administrator. Caused by someone running their huge, unimportant program just as your small, critical program is about to finish.

ENGINEER A human (?) entity who is responsible for all the problems of PROGRAMMERS.

FORTRAN A mature (see MATURE) programming language whose name means FOR TRANsmogrification (of the desired functionality).

GOTO A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.

INFINITE LOOP See LOOP

JUMP See GOTO

KERNEL A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art.

LOOP See INFINITE LOOP

MANUAL A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others.

MATURE Adjective used to describe anything that nobody uses anymore.

MEMORY A component of a computer that holds data. Sometimes it doesn't. Amount present in a given system is calculated in a manner similar to REGISTERS.

PROGRAMMER See definition of ENGINEER; replace all occurrences of PROGRAMMER with ENGINEER.

REGISTER A part of a computer's processor that holds information for a while. Number of registers in a given system is N-3 where N is the number needed to efficiently implement a function.

RS-232 An interface standard (what's that word you just said?) between computers, modems and stuff. Notable characteristics a universal uncertainty about switching pins 2 and 3. Uses bipolar signals; was probably designed by the CEO of a power supply manufacturer. Has signals nobody ever uses except the peripheral you just bought.

STACK A memory space used to entertain the programmers and management by overflowing or being subjected to mismatched PUSH/POPs.

SUBROUTINE A unit of software that makes tangled code look like it isn't. Opposite of GOTO (sort of). Useful for overflowing STACKs.

SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR: A person whose job it is to do everything that isn't his job.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-08-2003, 03:04 PM   #94 (permalink)
Crazy
 
I got this one of this website one day and copied pasted it because I liked it. I think the website was netfunny.com or something like that:
Diary of an AOL User.

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
__________________
-signature
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Old 06-09-2003, 02:58 AM   #95 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
When It Says: |It Really Means:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Available Now! |We overstocked / We can't sell any.
|(Alternative: We have a really hot
|item at an outrageous price)

State-of-the-Art Design |We can't get the chips yet but we hope to
|before manufacturing starts.

Proven reliability |Antiquated technology and obsolete parts.

Compatible with most systems |Favor us with a big enough order and we'll
|start designing an interface

Tremendous expandability |The unbundled "bare-bones" system with
|the low advertised price is virtually
|useless.

User-friendly |Slow, eats memory for lunch, and probably
|won't meet your specific needs (but for a fat
|consulting fee, we'll be happy to customize
|it for you).

Advanced features |We couldn't get rid of the quirks/bugs in the
|system, so we're pretending we planned them
|all along.

Competitively priced |Costs less than IBM's.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-09-2003, 07:24 AM   #96 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: portland, or
Q)What did one computer say to the other computer?


A)1001110011100
0011001110011


Hahahahahahahahah
__________________
TFP=heaven

Heaven, n 1: the abode of God and the angels and the souls of those who have gained salvation 2: any place of complete bliss and delight and peace [syn: eden, paradise, nirvana, promised land, Shangri-la]

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Old 06-10-2003, 04:03 AM   #97 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been xeroxed.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-11-2003, 03:49 AM   #98 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
The Pessimist's guide to Engineer--talk. (what they say - what they mean)



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"That's interesting" -- Shit! I've never seen anything remotely like that before.

"We'll just run diagnostics" -- I wonder if that'll give us a clue.

"So we've eliminated XXX" -- It's probably XXX, but it's bloody hard to get at.

"I've just powered it down" -- I tripped over that bloody power cord again.

"Ok, that's good" -- What the hell was that noise?!?

"We've noticed some failure evidence" -- Something's burning...

"If you'll just..." -- I don't want to be the one to blame when it crashes.

"Yes, you'd expect to see that..." -- Hell, that's stuffed as well!

"We'll just fit a revision" -- We'll put the same version in from a different tape.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-12-2003, 01:18 PM   #99 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: in a padded room.
Thanks for all the Entertainment guys, these are hilarious.
__________________
Official Bullshit.
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Old 06-13-2003, 03:18 AM   #100 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
"Hey Mike?"
"Yeah, Gabe?"

"We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."

"I thought you fixed that last century!"

"No, no, not that. Someone's found a loophole in the physics program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."

"Blessit! Lemme check..." <tappity clickity tappity> "Hey, I thought I fixed that! All right, let me find my terminal." <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> "There, that ought to patch it."
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
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Old 06-13-2003, 04:31 AM   #101 (permalink)
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Project Dolphin: Join the TFP Typing Team!
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Old 06-14-2003, 04:44 AM   #102 (permalink)
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Final Examination


Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.


PUBLIC SPEAKING. 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

The proper response is: "G'day mates! Yahoo Serious will be out in a few moments. While you're waiting, I'll just throw a few shrimp on the barby for ya, and you can help yourselves to a few pots of Foster's. Right? Right."


SOCIOLOGY. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

The only problems would be from the car sales people and lawyers on why they can't get to the promised land. The lawyers will try to appeal, and the sales people will try to finance or trade one another (for less than blue book) to get in.


ENGINEERING. The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Call management in room. Inform management that engineering has had enough of cleaning up after sales demos and will not tolerate this shit. Storm out of room leaving bewildered management to deal with dissasembled rifle and hungry tiger. I mean, if management had been on the ball, the gun would be assembled and the tiger would have been fed.


POLITICAL SCIENCE. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Inform Kremlin that our entire nuclear arsenal accidentally launched towards them. This should start a major skirmish. After the exchange and near total destruction of the world, the only socio-political effect will be if we have enough shrimp and Fosters for the Aborigines who are still waiting for Yahoo Serious (they seemed to think that the big flash and noise was another Serious invention).


EPISTEMOLOGY. Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity of your position.

I speak the truth. Everything I say is a lie.


GENERAL KNOWLEDGE. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Life is a scam.


EXTRA CREDIT. Define the Universe. Give three examples.

Time is relative.
Time is money.
Money is relative.
Relatives cost money.
Time is relative, and don't let your relatives spend too much time (or money).

ex 1: Aunt Irma visits.
ex 2: Aunt Irma won't leave.
ex 3: You wind up buying Aunt Irma a 1 way ticket to anywhere. Thus depleting your vacation fund. Now you must go back to work.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Last edited by uncle phil; 06-14-2003 at 04:49 AM..
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Old 06-16-2003, 02:26 AM   #103 (permalink)
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Ovulation versus cretinism

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school.

In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favor of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alleged human fetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-16-2003, 07:10 AM   #104 (permalink)
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All these jokes are great guys.. I especially liked the If this is blue one.. I'm surfing too fast. :-)
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Old 06-16-2003, 11:34 AM   #105 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by uncle phil
Ovulation versus cretinism

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school.

....

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.
**Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap**

Brilliant I love it.

I would also further point 4 with this addition:
There has also been one very documented case of child birth, which occured without sexual reproduction. The presence of storks is however as of yet unconfirmed...

On a related not, check out this Onion article

Last edited by CSflim; 06-16-2003 at 11:36 AM..
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Old 06-17-2003, 02:58 AM   #106 (permalink)
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The Surgeon General's Report on AIDS



(All Internal Destruction Subprograms)


The Surgeon General's office report a computer virus of epidemic proportions growing in the computing community. These viruses are deadly and there is no known single cure for all of the strains. The virus attacks the computer where it has the least defense: the operating system. Then it slowly destroys the system by slowly eliminating small portions of data. The original strain has been shown to be suppressed by the program AZT (Anti-Zealous program Terminator), but the product may be over-marketed, and less effective than promised. Additional strains have shown little effect when exposed to this program. A virus may be contained in a disk or memory for long periods of time before showing any of the effects. Some are time triggered to go off at certain times (Columbus day, Fri 13, Halloween, etc.) but all viruses seem to have some effect on all of its victims.

Some users and computers are at greater risk than others. Those computers that communicate with their own kind (homocommunals) are the apparent target of many viruses, although the virus can be communicated to other computer types, as well. Those computers using DOS seem to have the highest concentration of the virus, compared to non-DOS machines. Data recovery experts are often exposed to viruses by accidentally putting their own disk into an infected computer, or having an infected disk used on their own systems. These experts should take extreme care in working in these environments so they will not contract the disease. Virus hunters have much the same risk.

The Surgeon General's office recommends the following measures to the US Government and its citizens:

1) Don't do DOS. If you MUST, don't share your disks, or at least use a cleansing program on those disks before using them.

2) Do NOT copy programs from another computer, or if you must, try to only copy programs with another or a small, closed group that has been tested for the virus, and do NOT have it. There must be NO outside input into this group, or the whole group may be exposed.

3) Avoid BBS's and Software pools known to carry illegal or high risk programs that have been uploaded and downloaded. Especially those that require payment for copy privileges.

4) Also, we should regulate and heavily test all Public Domain programs and distributors and recovery specialists for signs of the viruses. These are especially at risk since they draw programs from those who don't know that they have the virus, or those that don't know that it is contagious.

The Surgeon General's office feels that these precautions will curtail the spread and magnitude of the disease, if the public is willing to act now. Soon, everybody in the nation will know someone with the virus, and you may have to work next to a computer that has it.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-18-2003, 02:44 AM   #107 (permalink)
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Location: upstate
Question: How does one get fresh air into a Russian church?

Answer: One clicks on an icon, and a window opens!
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-19-2003, 02:56 AM   #108 (permalink)
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Glossary


beta test, v.
To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.

bit, n.
A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.

buzzword, n.
The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.

clone, n.
1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product."

enhance, v.
To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.

genlock, n.
Why he stays in the bottle.

guru, n.
A computer owner who can read the manual.

handshaking protocol, n.
A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.

italic, adj.
Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are often slanted to the left.

Japan, n.
A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from which they are harvested by the happy natives.

kern, v.
1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, metal object used as part of the monetary system.

modem, adj.
Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An unfortunate byproduct of kerning.

pixel, n.
A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.

prototype, n.
First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work.

revolutionary, adj.
Repackaged.

Unix, N.
A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off with the workstation harem.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-20-2003, 02:36 AM   #109 (permalink)
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"All the news that fits, we print." - A. E. Newman


DIGITAL SELLS ITS EMPLOYEES - Digital Equipment Corporation announced today that since it has had so much trouble selling its VAXes and has so many excess employees, it will begin offering the employees for sale. According to our reporter, DEC expects its employees to run about 20% faster than its older machines and about half the speed of its RISC based DECSTATION line. Prices and delivery are expected at the NODECEMP show in January.

HP/APOLLO MERGER FOLLOWUP - It has come to the attention of this paper that analysts have finally concluded what HP and Apollo each brought to their recent merger. HP brought Tauruses and Apollo gave HP yet another line of incompatible machines and lots of third party peripherals to compete with HP's own. Most analysts are convinced HP should have bought Apollo years ago when HP could have also brought donuts.

COMPAQ announced last week that it has the world's most expensive PC line at prices up to $80,000. Compaq also announced sales of 2000 to its PC competitor Hewlett Packard. HP spokesperson Fasta Cieuw said that the new machines will allow HP management to do even larger and more complicated Lotus spreadsheets. HP had previously announced the replacement of its world renowned MBWA with MBLS.

Sun Microsystems recently pronounced that X-Windows is not an industry standard. A SUN spokeswoman claimed that it couldn't possibly be a standard as SUN has not invented it yet. "As soon as we come up with it, it will be made a standard," she said. "We expect to have a working X-Windows before the turn of the century and we promise to be first to market as we always are."

DEC INTRODUCES ITS FIRST MAINFRAME. - Digital Equipment Corporation announced its first mainframe size computer. "We tried to make it bigger than IBM's but we did not have enough sheet metal in the plant" a DEC spokesman said. "However, it does outrun the DECStation 3100 by 20% and is at least twice as fast as the employees we will be selling in the next year." The spokesman was referring to the previous announcement about selling its employees.

HP ANNOUNCES RETURN TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS - Because of recent criticism from employees about how the "HP WAY" was going away, HP recently announced some major plans to reverse the trend. "The first of these is the recent removal of backup from our HP-UX SAM subsystem. We wanted to go back to the old way of making a decision without any field or customer input just like we used to do," a spokesperson from HP announced. The spokesperson also stated that there was no truth to the rumor that HP was intending to bring back donuts by merging with "Debbie Does Donuts." "That kind of business is incompatible with the image we want to project," said the spokesperson.

IBM ANNOUNCES NEW WORKSTATION LINE - In a surprise move, IBM announced a fast way to bring in a new, powerful line of workstations totally compatible with its current mainframe line. In an amazing feat of technical brilliance, IBM claimed 100% compatibility between mainframe and workstation. IBM spokesman Joe Isuzu said the new 3090SRX is at least as fast as the Apollo DN10000 "and a lot bigger and more expensive." Mr. Isuzu denied that the 3090SRX is just a 3090 with all terminals removed except the console. "Would we do something like that" he asked? Prices for the new workstations are in the $1M to $10M range. Delivery is expected to start by 1993.

HP CRITICIZES CUSTOMERS - In a surprise move, HP sharply criticized some of its customers for having centralized administrative machines and failing to put workstations on the desks of their field engineers. "Who do they think they are?" a spokeswoman said. "Only we are allowed to be so backward because we make them."

SUN DOUBLES MTBF - SUN Microsystems claimed the MTBF leadership position in quality. "In the tradition of leading the industry, we at SUN are proud to claim the best quality increase. Once again, we lead not only in price/performance and support, but now we are the quality champion" said the new SUN Vice-President Jane Doe. "We increased our MTBF from 100 hours to 300 hours, a 300% increase. HP can't do that. The best they can do is 10.1 years to 10.2 years, a measly increase of less than 1%. That means we are more than 300 times better than HP! That's leadership." This reporter asked HP to respond but we were unable to find anyone in public relations or marketing. In related news, this reporter found out that the name "Jane Doe" is not the real name for the SUN Vice-President we had talked to. However, she said it was more convenient to use that name as it saved the company considerable money in not having to reprint business cards every time an executive left.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-23-2003, 02:50 AM   #110 (permalink)
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Q: What is the definition of a tachyon?

A: It's a gluon that's not completely dry.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-23-2003, 06:35 AM   #111 (permalink)
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There's a car on the mountain, with your required End User, Hardware Engineer and Software Engineer. And the brakes fail and the car goes careering down the mountain. They all think that they're going to die. But the driver manages to steer the car onto a verge and they stop halfway down the mountain.

The End User says 'We must get help, there is nothing that we can do ourselves'

The Hardware Engineer says 'Hand me that spanner, I'm sure I can fix it'

The Software Engineer says 'Well let's try it again, just to make sure that there is a problem'
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Old 06-24-2003, 02:46 AM   #112 (permalink)
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I heard this morning that veterinarians are beginning to use on household animals expensive upscale diagnostic equipment previously only available for humans, including CAT and PET scanners.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-24-2003, 01:04 PM   #113 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by uncle phil
Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

No apologies to statisticians.

this joke made me laugh loud enough to get odd looks from my roomates...
__________________
La Disciplina È La Mia Spada,
La Fede È Il Mio Schermo,
Non salti Ciecamente In Incertezza,
E Potete Raccogliere Le Ricompense.
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Old 06-25-2003, 02:36 AM   #114 (permalink)
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(UPI) Heaven. God has lost Her NSF grant. The National Science Foundation cited three reasons in deciding not to renew the Holy Grant.

1. Although God has done good creative work in the past, there has been no recent evidence of creativity.

2. No one as yet has been able to reproduce Her experimental results.

3. She has only written one book, and it has never been subject to peer review.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-26-2003, 03:33 AM   #115 (permalink)
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Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).

On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalised exclusion principle--it is impossible for two socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in--the only time you know where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing colour, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way, socks may possess Color and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-27-2003, 04:31 AM   #116 (permalink)
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Bill Gates is building a new massive mansion, most of it underground. I guess he is doing this because he doesn't want to spend another dime on Windows. Or, perhaps, he is getting ready to throw a few stones.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 06-30-2003, 02:18 AM   #117 (permalink)
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These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 07-01-2003, 02:44 AM   #118 (permalink)
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In the beginning, God created the RAM and the ROM. And the core was empty, and the CPU was idle, and the registers thereof were all zero. And God said, "Let there be power." And there was power. And God saw the power that it was good, and God divided between the zeroes and the ones, and he called the ones "true," and the zeroes he called, "false." And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the first cycle.

And God said, "Let there be a division between the RAM and the ROM, that the one be volatile, and the one not," and it was so. And God made the division, to divide between memory and memory. And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the second cycle.

And God said, "Let there be ROM subroutines in the ROM," and it was so. And the ROM brought forth subroutines and all the pointers thereof. And God saw the subroutines that they were good. And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the third cycle.

And God said, "Let there be power-supplies, to supply power to the CPU and the core and all the peripherals thereof." And God made the power-supplies, the Uninterruptible Power Supplies to power the larger systems, and the Surge Supressors to power the smaller systems. And God saw the power- supplies that they were good. And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the fourth cycle.

And God said, "Let the RAM teem with programs and compilers and interpreters, with all the pointers thereof," and it was so. And God made all the programs: the databases and spreadsheets and compilers and interpreters and all the DOC files thereof. And God saw the programs that they were good. And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the fifth cycle.

And God said, "Let there be users, and let them have dominion over all the programs in the operating system, and all those not in it, and over all the subroutines in the ROM below." And God created the users, both programmer and operator he created them, to be masters of the core. And he commanded them, "Be fruitful, and multiply the programs and their complexity over all the system." And God looked upon all he had made, and found it was very good. And there was power-down, and there was power-up, the sixth cycle.

Thus was the system finished, and on the seventh cycle God rested, and the CPU was idle. And God blessed the seventh cycle, for on that cycle he finished all the work which he had done.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 07-02-2003, 02:44 AM   #119 (permalink)
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So this computer scientist is like a real uptight guy, uncomfortable in his own skin, has a hard time relating to people, you know the type, right? So he's in a bookstore, see's a book called "How to Hug," so he thinks yes, this could really help him. So he buys it, takes it home, starts to read it, and damn it if isn't volume 8 of an encyclopedia!
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"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
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Old 07-02-2003, 04:17 AM   #120 (permalink)
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Location: North Carolina
It's almost too true to be funny. Almost.
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"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence
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