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Old 09-17-2003, 02:38 AM   #201 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer.....


Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus
is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!


If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna
crash!


You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.


If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's
repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!


When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram
your rom.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell
your mom!
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
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Old 09-17-2003, 07:05 PM   #202 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Hurray six pages of geek jokes. Time to celebrate by posting yet another one:
Comprehending Engineers, --Take One
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Comprehending Engineers -- Take Two
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said: "Never."
The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
Comprehending Engineers -- Take Three
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. Accounting demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.
Comprehending Engineers -- Take Four
The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach
10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the data book.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Never try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
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Old 09-18-2003, 02:58 AM   #203 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
Warning: Any resemblance between this fictional piece and a real person is most certainly accidental.

*ring* *ring*

"Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?"

"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak"

"Okay... well, do you have to go now?"

"Yes, I do"

"Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?"

"MALE-CLONE..."

"Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.."

"My what?"

"Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down"

"I see shoes"

"No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.."

"The round thing?"

"Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways"

"Oh, okay.. got it. <pause> Okay, it's open.."

"Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?"

"No."

"Do you see your willy?"

"No."

"Okay... what do you see?"

"I see white... just white and some lines.."

"Do you have underwear installed?"

"No."

"Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white... I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak...."

"Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might have installed underwear..."

"Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep pulling until you see your willy.."

"It's stuck... it won't go down..."

"The white part? Or your willy?"

"My willy..."

"DON"T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear... we only want to get to the point where we can see it...."

"Oh... okay, we're there...."

"Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything made of porcelain?"

"I see a little penguin on a shelf ..."

"Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom. We can't take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting... yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms..."

"Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..."

"Okay, well... let's go upstairs..."

"I can't walk..."

"Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go upstairs.. then uninstall your underwear again..."

"That was the white part, right?"

"Yes, sir... that's correct..."

<pause>

"Okay, I'm upstairs..."

"Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?"

"Well, there's two..."

"How tall are you sir?"

"5'4" .."

"Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...."

"Okay....I'm there"

"Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl.. now just go.... "

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when it pops up... just hit 'okay'....."
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 09-18-2003, 09:47 AM   #204 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: York, England
nice jokes.......keep em going
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Old 09-18-2003, 09:51 AM   #205 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: York, England
nice 1ns
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Old 09-18-2003, 09:59 AM   #206 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: York, England
some crap in ther.but some gud 1ns
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Old 09-19-2003, 02:56 AM   #207 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
A friend of mine was on the phone with a tech rep from another company. That tech rep called in to ask some questions about system setup, as the company this tech works for actually sells, installs and warranties systems. While they were on the phone, this tech rep received an incoming call, which he took after. When the caller hung up, the tech rep came back on the phone, laughing like a crazy person. This is the call he took:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 09-22-2003, 02:32 AM   #208 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
Diary of an AOL User.

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 12-03-2003, 12:49 AM   #209 (permalink)
Junkie
 
bump


and if any one has soem new ones that would be great
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Old 10-26-2004, 02:55 PM   #210 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Calgary
Its been a long long time.......

What do you get when you integrate one over cabin d-cabin???


Natural Log Cabin!!!! Har har har...
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Old 10-27-2004, 04:27 PM   #211 (permalink)
Upright
 
A physicist, biologist, and mathematician are eating lunch at an outdoor restaurant when they see a couple walk into an appartment complex across the street and three people leave moments later.
The physicist says, "there must have been an error in the original measurements."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced"
The mathematician says, "Now if someone enters that house, it will be empty."
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Old 10-29-2004, 06:46 AM   #212 (permalink)
I'm a family man - I run a family business.
 
Redjake's Avatar
 
Location: Wilson, NC
Here's a good one my CS professor told the class (I was the only one that laughed)


Is anyone in the class in ROTC?

*one guy raises his hand*

Did you guys get your backpacks yet with the survival gear?

"nah, we're still in the basics I guess...."

well, something the army and ROTC and other organizations are doing now is very interesting. the new item they are including with your survival gear is a piece of fiber optic wire!

let's say you are out in the forest and your team or platoon gets lost. all you have to do is bury the fiber optic wire in the ground, and sooner or later a construction team will dig it up and snap it in two
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Old 10-29-2004, 09:28 PM   #213 (permalink)
Insane
 
Why does every single joke in the topic end with a mathematician reducing it to a previously solved problem?
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Old 10-30-2004, 02:32 AM   #214 (permalink)
Psycho
 
aKula's Avatar
 
Because then the joke has been reduced to a previously understood punchline.
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Old 10-31-2004, 08:47 PM   #215 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: down the street from Graceland
Why all the pokes at mathematicians. Who else could put 1 into 0 an infinite number of times?
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[Insert pithy comment here]
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Old 11-01-2004, 09:06 AM   #216 (permalink)
Psycho
 
The rain has stopped, the ark has landed, the flood waters have
receded. And all the pairs of animals are happily going about their
business, making babies.

All but a couple of small snakes.

Puzzled, Noah goes to investigate. And immediately sees what
needs to be done.

He cuts down some trees. Saws them into planks. Planes,
hammers, and glues. And presents the resulting bit of furniture
to the snakes. Soon, another generation was on the way.

The explanation?

They were just adders. But now that they have a log table,
they can multiply.
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Old 11-06-2004, 03:20 PM   #217 (permalink)
Upright
 
76% of all statistics are made up.
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Old 12-04-2004, 12:08 AM   #218 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: California
Great thread!! I've spent... WHAT!? FOUR HOURS!!... reading this thread. Ow, my eyes hurt.
Some are repeats, but mostly very funny!
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Old 12-04-2004, 02:19 PM   #219 (permalink)
Upright
 
practically good - i vote for the mathematician
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Old 12-04-2004, 03:02 PM   #220 (permalink)
Crazy
 
How did the mathematician get rid of his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

What is a computer science major's favorite energy drink?(i am a computer science major and made this up)

Red bool.

one more original

What did the italian scientist say when he dropped a microscope on his feet while looking at celluar division?

OUCH! mitosis!
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Old 05-23-2005, 03:12 PM   #221 (permalink)
 
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Location: up north
A polygon 40 units long and 1 unit wide walks into a bar...

Th barman says "why the long face?"
__________________

Last edited by MexicanOnABike; 05-23-2005 at 04:04 PM..
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Old 05-28-2005, 09:04 PM   #222 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Title Town, USA
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quietus
e^x and x^2 go to a party. x^2 is having a great time at the party, mingling with everyone and laughing it up. He sees e^x sitting off in a corner by himself, not socializing at all. He comes up to e^x and says, "Why don't you integrate?" e^x says, "Dude, it doesn't matter..."
it would have been better if e^x said "if i do, i'll just be the same old person."
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Old 06-07-2005, 03:43 AM   #223 (permalink)
Addict
 
--- shooting Yourself in the foot ---

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me over there."

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception handling ability.

Modula-2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.foot, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HAND.GUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

BASIC: You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH: foot in yourself shoot.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

XBase: shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep fried.

PennMUSH 1.5:
&echo Object=$echo *:"%0
Object - Set.

echo Oh, I know how to do that; @dest me
Object says, "Oh, I know how to do that"
Object has left.
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Old 06-07-2005, 04:53 AM   #224 (permalink)
Psycho
 
aKula's Avatar
 
At a party recently they had this gas heater outside, it was a tube with a large flame produced by gas inside it. Anyway my friend humorously said "I have one of those in my room", to which I replied, "So do I, it's called a Prescott processor".
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Old 07-14-2005, 11:01 AM   #225 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: On the 'Mostly Harmless' planet Earth
Gotta love these geek jokes! Really, my absolute favorite was Mikey's:

Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeyChalupa
No, he's just reduced each joke to a previously used punchline.

-Mikey
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Old 02-05-2008, 02:19 PM   #226 (permalink)
<3 TFP
 
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Location: 17TLH2445607250
yup yup yup, more great geek jokes lost to the times...
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