Warning: Any resemblance between this fictional piece and a real person is most certainly accidental.
*ring* *ring*
"Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?"
"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak"
"Okay... well, do you have to go now?"
"Yes, I do"
"Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?"
"MALE-CLONE..."
"Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.."
"My what?"
"Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down"
"I see shoes"
"No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.."
"The round thing?"
"Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways"
"Oh, okay.. got it. <pause> Okay, it's open.."
"Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?"
"No."
"Do you see your willy?"
"No."
"Okay... what do you see?"
"I see white... just white and some lines.."
"Do you have underwear installed?"
"No."
"Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white... I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak...."
"Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might have installed underwear..."
"Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep pulling until you see your willy.."
"It's stuck... it won't go down..."
"The white part? Or your willy?"
"My willy..."
"DON"T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear... we only want to get to the point where we can see it...."
"Oh... okay, we're there...."
"Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything made of porcelain?"
"I see a little penguin on a shelf ..."
"Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom. We can't take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting... yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people have showers in their bathrooms..."
"Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..."
"Okay, well... let's go upstairs..."
"I can't walk..."
"Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go upstairs.. then uninstall your underwear again..."
"That was the white part, right?"
"Yes, sir... that's correct..."
<pause>
"Okay, I'm upstairs..."
"Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?"
"Well, there's two..."
"How tall are you sir?"
"5'4" .."
"Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...."
"Okay....I'm there"
"Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl.. now just go.... "
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when it pops up... just hit 'okay'....."