Q. Dude you're going to hell. Why in the world did you steal 30 bag lunches?

A. Sorry sir, this party is strictly for invited members only.

Q: Hey, I'm uh... with the... DJ? Band? I know the owner.

A: No, but i'll be damned if it don't squeek from time to time.

Q: Why did you let that go in the meeting?

A: First and third.

Q: Which suspect in the lineup stole your Preperation H creme?



A: She does that like you wouldn't believe.

Q: Does your maid lick the stains off the sheets?

A. Not unless you spread them really well.

Q: Can I ever look like Goatse?

A: That's what I'm doing here!

Q:is that what you're doin',jerkin' it to the titty board?

A:go ahead,look right at it,it's safe.

Q: Is it safe to open goatse.jpg?

A: Because the cream feels really good.

Q: You have a bleeding wound, why are you using Neosporin?




A: I was running full speed.

Q: Hey, Nose, why did you drown all those children?


A: Oooohh! Because it burns and itches!

q: why do you need my preparation h?

a: a kickass stereo

Q: WHAT was stolen out of your car?


A: No problem! I do that every morning.....

Q: Is there no one who can solve world hunger, create world peace, and fight off the alien invasion?

A: Because I found his lack of faith...disturbing.

Q. So tell me again, why did you decide to put your brother up for sale on Ebay?

A. Because she caught me sleeping with our donkey again.

Q: Why'd yer wife bitch-slap you so many times?

A: Somewhere between the Bermuda triangle and the Equator.

Q : Where did all those ships disapear?




A: A piece of salmon

Q. Now class, for our next question: Who can tell me what World War 5 was fought over?

A. It was that ill tempered goose from down the street!

Q: Who was talking about Afliac Insurance?



A: I get amazing pleasure from it.

Q: Why didn't you feed the walrus yesterday?

A: My god, it's huge.

Q: Now do you see why I didn't feed it?

A: Ask your mother.

Q. Does sex feel like apple pie?

A. Dammit, boy! How many times have I told you?!?!

Burn then Pilliage or Pilliage then Burn?

Fourteen inches limp.

Q: How low did you do the the limbo, and what was your secret?

A: I guess I just stopped at the right time.

Q: So why didn't she get pregnant if you didn't use a condom?

A: No, it's 12:03.

Q:so you masterbate at midnite on fridays?

A:yeah...this long weekend.

Q: Have you ever seen your grandparents making whoopi?

A: That is not what she said.

Q: So, I hear your girlfriend told you about that horrible STD she has, eh?

A: That's the way it's meant to be

Q: How the hell is KISS still touring?

A: You can take a hourse to water but you can't make him drink

Q. Right, so after dinner we go back to my place. After a bit I pulled it out and she just sat there frozen...what gives?


A. I'm sorry sir, I cannot help your right now, this is the non emergency line. Please hang up and dial 9-1-1

Q: I've superglued my balls to my leg. Can you send the paramedics over?



A: We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Q: So, exactly how are we going to travel around the world in a car?

A: No, it's over there!

Q:I've misplaced my cadaver, would you mind pointing it out to me?

A: I always do, it is just a habit I can't shake.

edit

Q. And why do you have your finger up your butt again?

A. She had it coming!

Q: Why did you kick Joan Rivers in the face?

A: He's an ugly fucking kid.

Q. Yea this has been a pretty good college reunion. Oh I heard you had a child a few years back. How's that going?

A. Sorry, I wish I could go but you know how I get at those things.

Q: So, I guess your fiance will be expecting you at your wedding any time now?

A: I did that once, and they stayed that way.

Q: Doing any more puppetry of the penis tricks?

A: Fuck you, dude. That's not cool.

Dont touch my ass! (not really a question but it fits:D)

Why the hell would i do that?!

Q:Why don't you study hard, stay sober, be self sufficient and independent and strive to the best of your abilities?


A: It is just easier this way.