Suzz04

Hiyas Ladies,

I'm a fairly (ok very) new poster. I've been reading alot of the threads where ladies have been asking for help and gotten great advice. I'm open to ideas, opinions or anything to try to help straighten myself out some. I do apologize for this long post, but I'm not sure what to include and probably am just rambling and ranting to let it out.

Let me begin by introducing myself and giving some background. I'm a 28 yr old female (that has to be obvious ) Background, I'm bi polar and I have some social anxiety. I despise both with a passion. I have one child, 9 yr old daughter. Currently I am dating a 22 yr old guy and I have a girlfriend that lives about 2 hours from me.

I'm not sure what direction in life I'm going. I'm not particularly in a hurry to make any hasty decisions due to the fact that I usually regret that kind when I do. But, lately I've had some severe confusion and torment from myself that isn't helping my life and relationships. As it goes right now, I've done really good in raising my daughter and maintained a quite good relationship with my guy. Yes, we've had our ups and downs like many couples do. I'm not saying that it's been a perfect relationship but I have been happy or at least I think I've been.

I know that living with bipolar is tough as on the person affected as well as the person that deals/lives with the affected. I say affected because at the moment, I can't think of a better phrase due to my inability to think up the right words. I have good days and bad days but lately it's been a mass confusion for me.

Currently I am being treated for the social anxiety. My doctor is switching me to a different psychriatrist(sp?) due to this one not doing anything for it. I've had a really rough last 3 weeks with the mood swings and feel very unsettled and unable to cope with even the littlest things.

Sleeping hasn't been easy to do. I usually am up for hours on end from the late morning to early afternoon to way late at night. I know that sleep deprevation isn't a good thing but I can't stay asleep for long periods. I usually wake up about every hour when I'm having a "good" night. On "bad" nights, I have dreams that would scare most people. They're vivid dreams. Full of details and almost always something stupid, morbid, or scary.

Moneywise handling, I'll admit that I suck at it. But I do try to keep everything going even though I suck badly. Much to my dismay, the past 7 years of being on my own, caring for my daughter, doesn't amount to letting me make some mistakes. I've had hiccups money wise as most people do, but I never live it down when I screw up. My family and boyfriend tend to keep reminding me about what has happened. They've helped me out when I've needed it but tend to get pissed at me when I don't ask for help even though I have in other form of ways.

But, my problem now is that I can't seem to cope with anything. My daughter gets on my nerves so badly, that I can't tolerate to be in the same room with her at times. Trips to the store are terrible for me without her along anyways, so they turn into complete nightmares when she does. No, she doesn't go through like some kids do. She does tend to ask for 50 different things but doesn't whine about it. I'm not sure but I don't think that I should have to say "I don't have the money for that right now" those 50 different times after I said it before going in the store or even after the next 2-3 times after that. If I didn't have the money 5 minutes ago, where is it suddenly going to come from???

I tried so hard today to not "bitch and moan" at the boyfriend today. But, after telling him don't ask 3 times, I let him have it. I'll admit that I'm sorry for it, but damned it, I said don't ask! He smokes and was wanting a cigarette at work and was bored out of his mind. He said he felt bad for some reason. And I didn't want to do a rant about how horrid the day was with the child. I decided I was going to go on to bed and told him so. I said night and didn't say anymore. Yes, I know. I didn't say I love you. Well, I'm a ass now because I didn't say I love you.

After he asked me what was wrong with me, I said don't ask. He asked again and said he didn't deserve this kind of treatment. I said that I was trying to spare him the rant of my day which lead me to find out his was hurt over the I love you. I stated this "I'm a ass when I don't say what's wrong but I'm a bitch when I do rant about it". Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I was feeling it. So, I let him have it. I listed everything that happened today in the major items and then asked him if that was enough.

I'll admit that I'm a highly stressed person at this time, but I don't have many outlets to get rid of it. A bad day can keep in my system for days and build up to where I explode. I feel overweight (I'm only 127 though) and can't get the energy to start exercising to get rid of it. There are days that I do not want to get out of the bed at all. Then there are days that I can't lay down long enough to sleep from all the energy I feel and must do everything I can to try and get rid of it.

I am on the depo-vera shot. Though, before anyone says get off that shot, let me say that I've had almost no problems with it. My sexual desire did not decrease, it actually increase and he runs from me sometimes. Over the past 7 years, I've been on it I've gained a total of 27 pounds.

Just someone, tell me, do they ever have days where nothing goes right? Or that they're bipolar and swing so badly sometimes that you don't know what's up or down? Is there anyway to do something to help me start towards normal til I can get to the new psychratrist?

Suzz04

maleficent

Everybody has days where nothing goes right at all... Just keep telling yourself that tomorrow will get better.

Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate and you need to take a little bit of a break. You did the mom thing at an early age, and that might be catching up with you.

My niece is a little older than your daughter, but I can see in her where she'd try to push my sister's buttons and got quite good at it. Your daugher knows that she can aggravate you and it can become a game. (I know, I did it to my mother) That might be a lot of what's going on. Is her father involved in her life at all?

Has your doctor changed your medication at all that would cause your feelings to change so drastically?

As for getting stuff off your chest, get yourself a journal, either an online one, or one you can stuff under your mattress, and write down your feelings, it's better to get them out, rather than letting them fester within yourself.

The tough love advice follows --

As for money... unfortunately, if you are going to allow family to help you, you leave yourself open to the I told you so's, or the unsolicted advice. If this is behavior that you fall into a lot, where you are always going to them for help, maybe it's time to figure out what problem you are having is, and correct the problem. If they don't help, they can't offer you advice. There are places where credit counseling, and other financial advice are offered, or even go to the library and pick up a book on the basics of financial management. (I suck at money, it's not something that's natural in most pepople, you have to teach yourself this) If you can raise a child on your own for 9 years, you can certainly master financial management.

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Suzz04

Bless you Maleficent!

Tough love doesn't bother me at all, just needed someone that wasn't afraid to tell me.

Everything might be catching up with me lately and seems to be getting worse. That's by my present view of it though.

The father lives in New York while I'm in Virginia. The only time he spends with her are on Christmas for a couple of days and sometimes Thanksgiving. Most of the time is during the summer when she goes to stay with him for 2 to 4 weeks. But he works the whole time and doesn't get home til late so the half sister watches her.

Hopefully I'll get a nice break this summer and can take some time to get back on track.

Thanks for the advice! I knew this was a great place to find out some answers or at least get me back on track.

Suzz04

maleficent

Do you have friends that she can stay with for an afternoon to give you a break and some peace and quiet. maybe trade off with other moms. You take their kid for an afternoon, so they can get some peace. Even an afternoon in a bubble bath reading a trashy novel, or just doing something that you enjoy, for you... might help.

I'm not a parent, but I've seen it too often with friends who are... the parent part of them is always at the forefront (which is good) but they sometimes lose themselves and forget to take care of themselves... To be a good mom to your daughter, you have to love yourself too.

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sillygirl

FIND the time to exercise. If you're bursting with all this energy, get it out that way. You'll feel better, feel less stressed, and you'll start looking better too! So you'll be killing (or at least badly injuring) a few birds with one stone.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

pinkie

Stop the shots

Get some (no matter what kind) of exercise

Take personal time, ei; relaxing bath, reading a book, looking out a window, meditation, gardening (anything, just find time for just you)

Just say no to your daughter. You don't need to explain, it's just "No."

Try not to explode, but instead ask your boyfriend to respect that fact that you don't want to talk and leave it at that.

Have you tried taking diazepam for the anxiety? I have anxiety attacks so I take them when needed. I think switching shrinks is a good thing. Sometimes you need to shop around 'til you find the one that you can work with. I’ve been with the same shrink for 6 years and he was a lifesaver!

Suzz04

Many thanks to everyone!

I will be taking time to myself.... whether it be a bath or whatever. It's just a matter of taking the time and making myself do it. Lord knows that getting away from a child is a hard thing to do when they don't want to be away from mom.

As for my boyfriend, we had a talk and everything went great as far as him hushing up when I say don't ask. That's my signal now when my daughter has created havoc on my nerves, or rather, what one I have left. And I emphasize one! LoL

Anyhow, thanks for all the input. It made me feel alot better knowing that I wasn't getting criticized for being stupid at times and easier to deal with when it's not family telling it, since they put it that it's always my fault.

As for the money, I'm slowly learning on how to do it. I've got a notebook now to budget my money. Hopefully that'll keep me on track and keep me going to not get into trouble again.

Suzz04

amonkie

You're definitely on your way to making changes! Another trick I've heard to make sure you continously get your "me" time beyond just the first days while it's new is to write it right on the calender. By making it part of your routine, you'll not only have that time for yourself, but something to look forward to and keep you going when you feel you might snap.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna