Hiyas Ladies,
I'm a fairly (ok very) new poster. I've been reading alot of the threads where ladies have been asking for help and gotten great advice. I'm open to ideas, opinions or anything to try to help straighten myself out some. I do apologize for this long post, but I'm not sure what to include and probably am just rambling and ranting to let it out.
Let me begin by introducing myself and giving some background. I'm a 28 yr old female (that has to be obvious
) Background, I'm bi polar and I have some social anxiety. I despise both with a passion. I have one child, 9 yr old daughter. Currently I am dating a 22 yr old guy and I have a girlfriend that lives about 2 hours from me.
I'm not sure what direction in life I'm going. I'm not particularly in a hurry to make any hasty decisions due to the fact that I usually regret that kind when I do. But, lately I've had some severe confusion and torment from myself that isn't helping my life and relationships. As it goes right now, I've done really good in raising my daughter and maintained a quite good relationship with my guy. Yes, we've had our ups and downs like many couples do. I'm not saying that it's been a perfect relationship but I have been happy or at least I think I've been.
I know that living with bipolar is tough as on the person affected as well as the person that deals/lives with the affected. I say affected because at the moment, I can't think of a better phrase due to my inability to think up the right words. I have good days and bad days but lately it's been a mass confusion for me.
Currently I am being treated for the social anxiety. My doctor is switching me to a different psychriatrist(sp?) due to this one not doing anything for it. I've had a really rough last 3 weeks with the mood swings and feel very unsettled and unable to cope with even the littlest things.
Sleeping hasn't been easy to do. I usually am up for hours on end from the late morning to early afternoon to way late at night. I know that sleep deprevation isn't a good thing but I can't stay asleep for long periods. I usually wake up about every hour when I'm having a "good" night. On "bad" nights, I have dreams that would scare most people. They're vivid dreams. Full of details and almost always something stupid, morbid, or scary.
Moneywise handling, I'll admit that I suck at it. But I do try to keep everything going even though I suck badly. Much to my dismay, the past 7 years of being on my own, caring for my daughter, doesn't amount to letting me make some mistakes. I've had hiccups money wise as most people do, but I never live it down when I screw up. My family and boyfriend tend to keep reminding me about what has happened. They've helped me out when I've needed it but tend to get pissed at me when I don't ask for help even though I have in other form of ways.
But, my problem now is that I can't seem to cope with anything. My daughter gets on my nerves so badly, that I can't tolerate to be in the same room with her at times. Trips to the store are terrible for me without her along anyways, so they turn into complete nightmares when she does. No, she doesn't go through like some kids do. She does tend to ask for 50 different things but doesn't whine about it. I'm not sure but I don't think that I should have to say "I don't have the money for that right now" those 50 different times after I said it before going in the store or even after the next 2-3 times after that. If I didn't have the money 5 minutes ago, where is it suddenly going to come from???
I tried so hard today to not "bitch and moan" at the boyfriend today. But, after telling him don't ask 3 times, I let him have it. I'll admit that I'm sorry for it, but damned it, I said don't ask! He smokes and was wanting a cigarette at work and was bored out of his mind. He said he felt bad for some reason. And I didn't want to do a rant about how horrid the day was with the child. I decided I was going to go on to bed and told him so. I said night and didn't say anymore. Yes, I know. I didn't say I love you. Well, I'm a ass now because I didn't say I love you.
After he asked me what was wrong with me, I said don't ask. He asked again and said he didn't deserve this kind of treatment. I said that I was trying to spare him the rant of my day which lead me to find out his was hurt over the I love you. I stated this "I'm a ass when I don't say what's wrong but I'm a bitch when I do rant about it". Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I was feeling it. So, I let him have it. I listed everything that happened today in the major items and then asked him if that was enough.
I'll admit that I'm a highly stressed person at this time, but I don't have many outlets to get rid of it. A bad day can keep in my system for days and build up to where I explode. I feel overweight (I'm only 127 though) and can't get the energy to start exercising to get rid of it. There are days that I do not want to get out of the bed at all. Then there are days that I can't lay down long enough to sleep from all the energy I feel and must do everything I can to try and get rid of it.
I am on the depo-vera shot. Though, before anyone says get off that shot, let me say that I've had almost no problems with it. My sexual desire did not decrease, it actually increase and he runs from me sometimes. Over the past 7 years, I've been on it I've gained a total of 27 pounds.
Just someone, tell me, do they ever have days where nothing goes right? Or that they're bipolar and swing so badly sometimes that you don't know what's up or down? Is there anyway to do something to help me start towards normal til I can get to the new psychratrist?
Suzz04