Starlight4

I've been with my SO for almost a year and a half now and we are currently living together. We've had a lot of rough spots in our relationship that we are currently working on (e.g. arguing over dumb things) and I feel like the "spark" between us has died out. It's almost like the relationship is boring and our lives together have become very routine.

I'm 23 years old and I have guys notice me and comment on how pretty they think I am and I also have a boyfriend at home who sees me so often that he doesn't complement me that much anymore.

I guess the question is, can any of you relate to what I'm feeling? I'm know I've left a lot of details out, but I just don't know how to tell whether a relationship is worth keeping or letting go. I know I love him, but I don't know if I'm still in love with him. Any suggestions or comments are welcome. Thanks!

sillygirl

In the end, it's a decision you'll have to make. Would going on a trip with the girls, or even by yourself, give you a break enough to see what happens?

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

Starlight4

I'm not really in a position to do that right now. I'm in school and it's hard for me to take a weekend away. It's also hard to take a break because we live together in a small studio apartment in the city... can't really live in separate rooms. :-/

abaya

Oh man, I've been there, everything you said. Starlight, living in a studio with another person (even your bf, or hell, even a husband) isn't a good idea... is there any way to get at least a 1-bedroom place, if not 2? You will need space in some form or another or things will get to the breaking point... I've been there and it was very stressful on me.

Luckily my bf got a job (he was living with me while job searching) when I was close to losing it, and he got his own place 3 hours away. While it's not ideal either (distance causes other issues), at least we didn't break up because of being in each other's faces all the time. I definitely feel for you, but wonder if there's any way that one of you can take a break, stay with a friend for a few days, just to get some breathing room and sort out how you really feel without any guilt or distraction from each other. Does he feel the same way? Have you guys communicated about this?

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Sage

life is too short to be in a relationship that sucks. I cocur with everyone here, go get some space! You're obviously stressed out with school and "rough spots" in your relationship, and you need to get some perspective. If you don't feel like a queen every day, and you don't feel like you BF is giving you the type of love and affection you need, cut the ballast and float to your full potential! It'll be worth it in the long run!

Communicate with your BF to find out what's really going on! If there's issues there, you two need to work at resolving them or just break up, cleanly, and not drag out something that isn't perfect for the both of you!
Good luck!

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Starlight4

I do want the relationship to work out, but sometimes I feel like we're just not compatible with each other. The thing is, we're both very strong willed and stubborn and it's hard to come out with a working solution that we both can use. I've tried to talk to him about it LOTS of times, but he's really quick to get defensive and of course, he doesn't think he is. He can't look to himself and think, "hrmm, maybe I have been acting like that. What can I do to better the situation?" His way is to make me understand how he's not doing something. "I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU!" Haha, you can't yell to someone that you're yelling at them. Maybe I just WANT him to be the one and I don't really know why...

I feel like the living space might be a problem, but not as much as you guys might think. We usually don't see each other until 7 at night. I just feel very disconnected from him now...

bad jane

well, part of it depends on what you're arguing over--is it things that you can work out or bottom line differences that won't be going away? you can't change a person and if he has personality issues that clash with your own then you have to decide to either deal with it or move on. but don't expect anything to change on his end because the only person you have the power to change is yourself.

this is a very personal decision, but i say go with your gut. if deep down you really doubt that it is right--get out now. anything less and you are doing a disservice to yourself and to him. if however, you feel you are perfect together but are just having a rough patch, you may want to try to work it out and see how things go.

relationships go through what i call a settling phase. you don't have that constant high you get from everything being "new." the shine eventually wears off and you see the warts of your partner. that doesn't mean the "spark" is gone, just that you start realizing your partner has faults and they aren't pretty--you either learn to handle them or you move on.

if you are debating the whole "love but not in love" issue, i'd say take a good look at how you define loving someone and how that differs from being in love with them. then look at your relationship and see what has changed. you are still young--it's quite possible that you've simply grown apart despite living together. it sucks, but it happens. if what you want has changed, or what he wants has changed--perhaps you aren't as compatable as you were when you got together.

Starlight4

Thanks for listening, ladies. I guess there's just a lot that I need to figure out. I know I'm in a process of "growing up" myself and I think I'm just reevaluating EVERYTHING in my life. Thanks again for all the advice. I'll be sure to let you ladies know of any changes.

sapphire

Hang in there Starlight, it will all work out. About a year ago I was in your exact same situation. We were living in a one bedroom and driving each other crazy. We were fighting over the little things and we ended up breaking up. He moved to another apartment in the same complex (I know its a little weird!) Since he's moved out we have started talking, hanging out more and have become very good friends again. We agree that not having enough space to be ourselves in started a lot of the fights. We didnt have the space to come home and relax and just be alone for a few minutes.

At this point I am not at all recommending breaking up, but you guys have to work some things out. If getting a bigger place isnt possible right now. Maybe sit down and come up with away for both of you to have some alone time in the apartment, because he's probably feeling the same way as you are.

If giving each other room the breath doesnt help the situation then like the other ladies said, maybe there are bigger problems in the relationship that you need to face. My ex and I are good as friends but we were not right for each other as gf/bf. We are much happier, and nicer to each other, now. Dont worry it will be ok.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

ironmaiden7o7

Arguments can cause the spark to die down in a relationship. You haven't been together that long for either one of you to lose that initial flame, it's very important that you both recover those feelings and those interactions to make the relationship more stable. It's important also for heat and chemistry to be there, that's one of the foundamental things in a relationship that makes it strong. If you can't achieve that with him, then there are many other alternatives you can choose, like seek help, that always helps. Usually when in a relationship that has bitterness because of dumb things, we tend to withdraw, this is normal but that shouldn't make you lose your spark, speak to him, try to work on these minor issues. We all have arguments, sometimes over the stupidest things, but the keypoint is so become stronger after each one instead of getting weaker. Good luck with this, I do hope that you work it out.

qtpye4u84

I was going threw the same thing just a while back. Someone told me some thing that helped me out with my choice "You cant have the good with out the bad" You love him and you have future goals and plans with, and with him in minde. Those thoughts can cloud some ppls thinking.

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The QTpie

hunnychile

Chemistry and compatability are two totally separate parts of the relationship.

I would suggest a "breather" from eachother for bit, as soon as it's possible.
It really helps esp. if you live in a small space. Sometimes you have to go away to see what it's all about.

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