240Babe

Here's the story, I'm engaged to this guy who I've been with for three years. He's really nice..ect..etc... However, over the years, he has become less affectionate. He tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful less and less often. It makes me feel like we've already been married for fourtysome years. And believe me, I have tried things to spice things up. I take him on spur of the moment trips, I will surprise him with sexy lingere on. What can I do to make things how they used to be??? Is it too late???

__________________
-Christi

sexymama

You can not go back to how things use to be as time changes all things. However, I do think communication could help. (We hear this a lot, don't we?) At some time that is not heated or threatening, let your fiance know that you miss the affection and compliments. Let him know that you get turned on by these and that you need and desire them. Then make sure to model for him what you want of him. Compliment him frequently. Be affectionate. And responded favorably when he does praise you (don't, in other words, say something like, "well, it's about time" or "too little too late." Rather enjoy what effort he puts forth and reward it!) Positive can go much further than negative.

Good luck!

__________________
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

sillygirl

All I can say is talk to him. You guys are so cute together, any time I've seen you. Maybe he doesn't realize that these are things that bother you. I'm sure that his feelings for you haven't changed, otherwise he wouldn't have proposed to you. Things get more comfortable throughout a relationship, and sometimes people 'forget' to say things, because they already know it's true. D'ya know what I mean? I'd say make him his favorite dinner, have it ready just as he gets home. Pour some wine (or raspberry vodka, whichever ) and tell him you love him, that you did this for him just because you love him. Maybe start a 'remember when' conversation and share memories of your relationship. Somehow slide in that you remember all those times he'd tell you he loved you or that you're beautiful. Don't do it in an accusatory way, just say it somehow. That'll probably stir something up in his mind, and it just might get him making more of an effort again!

__________________

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

240Babe

See the problem here is that I just get so frustrated! Becuase I do thoughtful things for him all the time. I tell him I love him constantly, I'll surprise him by making his lunch, i'll fill his gas tank, i'll buy him a car magazine when i'm getting groceries ....I do all kinds of stuff for him. But he never does one ounce of a thoughtful thing for me. Can you teach men to be thoughtful???

__________________
-Christi

Averett

If he doesnt know how youre feeling, how can you expect him to change?

Talk to him

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Leeka

240Babe, I have been where you are. You sound like the perfect girlfriend, surprising him with gifts, doing cute things that show you care, etc... So it's definitely NOT you. Unfortunately it sounds like he's so used to your good nature that he's taken it for granted. I say talk to him, that's a good start. But please... PLEASE... don't think marrying him is going to snap him back into reality. I made that mistake and I wouldn't want to see someone else make it. I thought foolishly that he would see me in a new light after I was made his wife but that simply doesn't happen. Sure, men can change... give him a chance to. But here's a pearl of wisdom my mom gave to me... "marry him for the man he is today, not the man he might be someday".

Long story short... be harder on him and less on yourself, honey.

Best of luck.

raeanna74

There are some guys who just don't ever learn certain things. Since hubby and I got married almost 5 years ago I have recieved ONE bunch of flowers. He used to give me flowers for any and every occaision. I have dropped hints and outright ASKED for them but nothing has happened. I've just turned to buying the flowers for myself when we can afford them.

As far as the affection and saying loving things. I think that is very important. Hubby and I went through some hard bumps just after our girl was born. He refused to tell me he loved me because he didn't want to say it if he didn't feel it or have that gooshy feeling anyway. He's learned since then that the love a couple is talking about when they say "I love you" is more often the simple I know I care for you and not always the mushy feelings. Until we both learned that we had a lot of trouble sharing affection with the other when they needed it. Being married doesn't mean the puppy love goes away but it is the kind of love that isn't there EVERY day, day in and day out. The love you have in marriage is a quieter love. It takes time and effort to recognize it. I hope I didn't just ramble too much. I wish you the best.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

uptown

The biggest problem I see here is that you are over extending yourself doing for him in the hopes that he'll revert back to honeymoon style courtship behaviors.

I'm here to tell you that not only will that not work but that down the road it's going to backfire on you big time.He's asked you to marry him in part because of all the awesome things you do for him,over time,if you're keeping a scorecard you're going to grow resentful and increasingly unhappy,you're going to stop doing all those awesome things and he's going to be like"wtf?"

Women marry a man in hopes that they can change him,men marry a woman and hope that she doesn't change.


My advice? do extras for him only when you can do them purely out of the desire to please him,with his pleasure being the only expected reward.If he is showing you a pattern of not being as thoughtful or considerate of you and whatever needs you've expressed clearly to him as you'd like on a regular basis,think long and hard about marrying him as he's showing you who he is and marriage won't change that.

Btw,even in the most romantic couples,the honeymoon period ends and then starts the real work of bringing 2 lives together.You can however negotiate for romantic behaviors on occasions that are important to you ie: your birthday or other milestone days.

Litespeed

Oh dear honey... give the man some space.
Send him on a weekend trip with the boys or run away for a little while on your own. He'll miss you like mad if you just give him space to breathe.

CS733t

*

__________________
So tired now of paying my dues
I start out strong but then I always lose
It's half the distance before you leave me behind
It's such a waste of time

:::OshnSoul:::

the NUMBER 1 essential key to a relationship that you HAVE TO HAVE:
communication- 100% openness & honesty

Tell him how you feel without any accusations or blaming. Try to be respectful, yet share everything you feel.
Don't let this go on until you are both ready to be 100% open & honest.