Ladies, I need your help... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

JadziaDax · 07-11-2003, 03:32 PM

One of our male members posed this question asking that only women respond. But of course, the men of the forum couldn't resist and answered anyway. He didn't want to hear the male perspective. So, please give one of our male members a hand and give him your opinion of his question.

Quote:

I am deeply in love with my wife of 10 years, and I cannot (and would not) imagine life without her. We have a wonderful relationship and each passing day gets better and better.

Recently, I regained touch with my former best friend, who is a female friend. She and I grew up next door to each other all the way through high school, and we were always as close as siblings, but NEVER anything sexual or deeper than friendship. For the past 25 years, we have had no contact with each other, and within the past month we've located each other and begun swapping e-mails. We're now talking to each other via e-mails the same intimate way we used to talk all those years ago (which means we're swapping e-mails daily). We were always very comfortable speaking openly and intimately with each other, and apparently that aspect of our friendship hasn't changed.

Neither my wife nor myself have maintained very much contact with old friends and this is something new in our relationship. Although my wife knows I have re-established contact with this friend (and she knows we were never in love), she doesn't know the extent to which we've been talking. I would not ever want to hide our renewed friendship from my wife, but I'm not sure how much I should say to her about it.

Will my wife think I am betraying her if I have frequent and sometimes intimate discussions about things with another woman?

txstar · 07-11-2003, 09:18 PM

You have been with your wife for 10 years and have built a trusting relationship. Tell her everything. It is much better for her to know in the open about your friendship. If she finds out on her own she will be deeply hurt that you didn't trust her enough to discuss it with her.

Baileys · 07-11-2003, 09:34 PM

Yikes. Tough one. First of all... I agree to talk to your wife about it, be open. However, I can see her getting very upset that you find the 'need' to talk to someone else intimately with besides her. She'll wonder whats wrong w/ her, you don't love her, etc.

or she could look at you and ... shock the shit out of you and ask if she is interested in a threesome.

Please let us know what you decide to do.

TanteMegs · 07-12-2003, 06:15 AM

I agree with the ladies above. However, if you are still having a hard time on this situation, try a little role reversal. What would you like HER to do if she was the one to find her best friend, who happens to be male? If you'd like her to tell you, then that is what you should do. If she would let you read her e-mails, then you should think about doing that. Either way, think of how it would effect you, and try and do the things you would have her do. This kind of thinking always works for me.

Megs

emsgurl · 07-12-2003, 12:24 PM

I agree you need to be open and honest. As you say you love her I feel that in your words but she may not feel it if she feels you were "sneaking" with this other person. I am sure it may feel like betrayal. I agree with Megs turn the situation around. Let us know what happens.

snowy · 07-12-2003, 10:04 PM

Definitely be open and honest. I'm sure your wife will understand. Friends should be able to be friends, no matter what the sex. The fact that your friend is a woman shouldn't mean anything (unless, of course, you ARE sexually attracted to her...that only throws a wrench in things, though)

Marriage should be a two-way street; meaning, if you are to have a close woman friend, you should be cool with your wife having a close male friend. If you AREN'T cool with that, maybe you need to find some other kind of compromise.

I know plenty of couples where having friends of the opposite sex tears them apart simply because the other partner can't get over their jealousy. I sincerely hope this doesn't happen here, and I wish you the best of luck.

sexymama · 07-13-2003, 06:37 AM

By all means tell your wife the truth! Lies in a relationship, even lies of omission are very painful. (I know, I lived with them for 11 years!)

If you are attracted to your friend, be honest about that too -- with yourself and your wife. If that is not an okay thing in your marriage, use this as a warning sign of a deeper concern or need and seek help. If it is okay in your marriage -- enjoy!

motdakasha · 07-13-2003, 09:39 PM

Communicate, observe. Tell her about your close friend and that you've been communicating with her via email. Decide how to tell her the extent of the communication/bonding based on her reaction.

yoshi · 07-15-2003, 04:34 AM

Definitely be honest. I have to agree with the other ladies. You should be able to have female friends, but if you talk to her in a way that you don't talk to your wife--there could be a lot of jealousy and heart ache. Talk to your wife, let her see the emails, and definitely don't keep her in the dark.

angela146 · 07-16-2003, 09:34 PM

(This is my first post anywhere on TFP).

Role reversal won't help him much. He's still thinking with a male brain. I think he needs us to put our female brains into the mind of his wife. Guys get jealous about different things than women do.

If it were me, I would be jealous if the friend was seeing a part of my husband that I was not.

"... What cute things is he doing or talking about with her and not me? ... Does she bring out something in him that I don't?..."

On the other hand, I understand the need to have another friend. For one thing, he could use someone to talk to about me (both the good and the bad).

If it were me, I would want to know about it. I would ask that he not keep secrets (including her secrets) from me.

I would want the "inside track". If he shares *her* secrets with *me*, I would feel a lot better about him confiding in her.

He (or the friend) might not think that's fair, *but*, I'm the wife. Any secrets he has belong to me (sort of like community property).

Finally, if the friendship continues, the sexual attraction will eventually develop. If says he wasn't attracted to her, even after several months, I would be suspicious.

Actually, I would be less jealous of them having sex than being friends. It takes a long time to get good at sex with another person. I wouldn't feel threatened because I know how to do things to him that took a long time to figure out.

Just my $0.02.

crayzeeredhead · 07-17-2003, 08:38 AM

i have to add a smidge bit more than the other ladies because I both agree and disagree with them. Yes, you should tell her but keep in mind how personally secure youur wife is. you have been with her for years so that is the easy part. The hard part is telling her while being sensitive to her feelings, because if she has lower self esteem than most she could feel threatened, hurt , even more insecure about your marriage, and jealous because you may or may not talk to her about similar intimate things. All of these things can lead to trouble in your relationship although not too bad if you have good communication etc. if that is shakey it can lead to accusation, a feeling of betrayal and ultimately a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. So, my advice is no matter what you do tread carefully!!

shannon · 07-20-2003, 10:49 AM

i think it shows what a good man you are just the fact that you care this much. i think that honesty is important and you should tell your wife. it's good to be close with more than just one person. i mean, you should remain faithful to your wife, she should come first. but as long as she doesnt have a problem with it it's healthier imo to have more than one person you can talk to on an intimate level.

Apache · 07-27-2003, 11:40 AM

Since you don't have anything to hide, maybe allowing your wife to read some of the emails once in awhile just to let her know the things that your discussing with your friend would help. Proving your still being faithful to her in every way. THen you can find out if she has a problem with it.
I know that my husband has close female friends that he emails and some he talks to on the phone. When their down and need advice he's there for them and Im ok with that because he's open and honest with me about everything, if I'm setting next to him and he's checking his email he doesn't try to hide it, he opens it because he knows that there's nothing there to hide from me and that's what makes the difference. If he's on the phone with someone he doesn't run in another room while he talks to them. Honesty is everything to us, and as long as we trust each other then we don't have a problem. So that's my advice just be open and honest with your wife and you should be ok!

07-11-2003, 09:34 PM	#3 (permalink)
Baileys Tilted Location: if you want to know, you'll ask	Yikes. Tough one. First of all... I agree to talk to your wife about it, be open. However, I can see her getting very upset that you find the 'need' to talk to someone else intimately with besides her. She'll wonder whats wrong w/ her, you don't love her, etc. or she could look at you and ... shock the shit out of you and ask if she is interested in a threesome. Please let us know what you decide to do. __________________ Baileys

07-12-2003, 12:24 PM	#5 (permalink)
emsgurl Upright Location: Ohio	I agree you need to be open and honest. As you say you love her I feel that in your words but she may not feel it if she feels you were "sneaking" with this other person. I am sure it may feel like betrayal. I agree with Megs turn the situation around. Let us know what happens. __________________ So live that you can look any man in the eye and tell him to go to hell. Anon.

07-12-2003, 10:04 PM	#6 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	Definitely be open and honest. I'm sure your wife will understand. Friends should be able to be friends, no matter what the sex. The fact that your friend is a woman shouldn't mean anything (unless, of course, you ARE sexually attracted to her...that only throws a wrench in things, though) Marriage should be a two-way street; meaning, if you are to have a close woman friend, you should be cool with your wife having a close male friend. If you AREN'T cool with that, maybe you need to find some other kind of compromise. I know plenty of couples where having friends of the opposite sex tears them apart simply because the other partner can't get over their jealousy. I sincerely hope this doesn't happen here, and I wish you the best of luck. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

07-13-2003, 06:37 AM	#7 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	By all means tell your wife the truth! Lies in a relationship, even lies of omission are very painful. (I know, I lived with them for 11 years!) If you are attracted to your friend, be honest about that too -- with yourself and your wife. If that is not an okay thing in your marriage, use this as a warning sign of a deeper concern or need and seek help. If it is okay in your marriage -- enjoy! __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

07-13-2003, 09:39 PM	#8 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	Communicate, observe. Tell her about your close friend and that you've been communicating with her via email. Decide how to tell her the extent of the communication/bonding based on her reaction. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

07-11-2003, 09:18 PM	#2 (permalink)
txstar Tilted Location: Dallas, TX	You have been with your wife for 10 years and have built a trusting relationship. Tell her everything. It is much better for her to know in the open about your friendship. If she finds out on her own she will be deeply hurt that you didn't trust her enough to discuss it with her.

07-12-2003, 06:15 AM	#4 (permalink)
TanteMegs Upright Location: Oklahoma	I agree with the ladies above. However, if you are still having a hard time on this situation, try a little role reversal. What would you like HER to do if she was the one to find her best friend, who happens to be male? If you'd like her to tell you, then that is what you should do. If she would let you read her e-mails, then you should think about doing that. Either way, think of how it would effect you, and try and do the things you would have her do. This kind of thinking always works for me. Megs

07-15-2003, 04:34 AM	#9 (permalink)
yoshi Crazy Location: Jersey	Definitely be honest. I have to agree with the other ladies. You should be able to have female friends, but if you talk to her in a way that you don't talk to your wife--there could be a lot of jealousy and heart ache. Talk to your wife, let her see the emails, and definitely don't keep her in the dark.

07-16-2003, 09:34 PM	#10 (permalink)
angela146 Loser Location: Somewhere near Hubby	(This is my first post anywhere on TFP). Role reversal won't help him much. He's still thinking with a male brain. I think he needs us to put our female brains into the mind of his wife. Guys get jealous about different things than women do. If it were me, I would be jealous if the friend was seeing a part of my husband that I was not. "... What cute things is he doing or talking about with her and not me? ... Does she bring out something in him that I don't?..." On the other hand, I understand the need to have another friend. For one thing, he could use someone to talk to about me (both the good and the bad). If it were me, I would want to know about it. I would ask that he not keep secrets (including her secrets) from me. I would want the "inside track". If he shares her secrets with me, I would feel a lot better about him confiding in her. He (or the friend) might not think that's fair, but, I'm the wife. Any secrets he has belong to me (sort of like community property). Finally, if the friendship continues, the sexual attraction will eventually develop. If says he wasn't attracted to her, even after several months, I would be suspicious. Actually, I would be less jealous of them having sex than being friends. It takes a long time to get good at sex with another person. I wouldn't feel threatened because I know how to do things to him that took a long time to figure out. Just my $0.02.

07-17-2003, 08:38 AM	#11 (permalink)
crayzeeredhead Tilted Location: here& there but here today	i have to add a smidge bit more than the other ladies because I both agree and disagree with them. Yes, you should tell her but keep in mind how personally secure youur wife is. you have been with her for years so that is the easy part. The hard part is telling her while being sensitive to her feelings, because if she has lower self esteem than most she could feel threatened, hurt , even more insecure about your marriage, and jealous because you may or may not talk to her about similar intimate things. All of these things can lead to trouble in your relationship although not too bad if you have good communication etc. if that is shakey it can lead to accusation, a feeling of betrayal and ultimately a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. So, my advice is no matter what you do tread carefully!! __________________ For everything there is a neverending cycle- birth, death, rebirth. Evil can and will not exist without good and visa versa. You also reap what you sew. There is a sliver of truth in every saying -those are a few!!

07-20-2003, 10:49 AM	#12 (permalink)
shannon Psycho Location: Canada	i think it shows what a good man you are just the fact that you care this much. i think that honesty is important and you should tell your wife. it's good to be close with more than just one person. i mean, you should remain faithful to your wife, she should come first. but as long as she doesnt have a problem with it it's healthier imo to have more than one person you can talk to on an intimate level.

07-27-2003, 11:40 AM	#13 (permalink)
Apache Insane	Since you don't have anything to hide, maybe allowing your wife to read some of the emails once in awhile just to let her know the things that your discussing with your friend would help. Proving your still being faithful to her in every way. THen you can find out if she has a problem with it. I know that my husband has close female friends that he emails and some he talks to on the phone. When their down and need advice he's there for them and Im ok with that because he's open and honest with me about everything, if I'm setting next to him and he's checking his email he doesn't try to hide it, he opens it because he knows that there's nothing there to hide from me and that's what makes the difference. If he's on the phone with someone he doesn't run in another room while he talks to them. Honesty is everything to us, and as long as we trust each other then we don't have a problem. So that's my advice just be open and honest with your wife and you should be ok!