Shaindra

Related to the "making a man wait" thread, I've been having an on-going debate with some female friends about finding the right man. They're all of the "make him wait" mode, feeling that they want to establish a firm emotional connection before venturing into the bedroom. While I'm not one of the "fuck him on the first date" types, I do feel like I want to know if we're physically compatible almost *before* I begin to feel an emotional connection because a good physical relationship is that important to me.

But am I taking the risk of being put in the "casual sexual relationship" category where I might have otherwise made it into the "real relationship potential" category had I waited? Do guys really make that assessment about women who have sex sooner?

And what about the risk of sex *causing* the emotional connection to someone who might not be otherwise suitable?

What say you?

__________________
"Never regret something that once made you smile."

little_tippler

I think if you want an answer to this part of your question, you'd do best to move this into Tilted Sexuality, where the men can respond.

This is an interesting question. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to look at this. Every person is different.

Both emotional and physical compatibility are important to me. Which should come first, is what I think you're asking.

For me, I can't feel physically attracted if there is no emotional connection. I don't mean that we've shared our entire life stories and understand each other. It could be something small. Something the guy has said that clicked with me, and I see there is maybe a spark of mutual understanding there. It could just be an illusion in my head, which I guess most times it may be, but I need that invisible thread there before I move on to thinking, I'd like to have sex with you.

I think it's important to find out if there is physical compatibility early on also. Because problems in bed usually harm other areas of a relationship. But then, the opposite is also true. I may have great sex with a guy, but if I feel he has no regard for my feelings and what I care about, I will soon lose interest and want to find someone else.

On a practical level, I am unlikely to go for sex on a first date. Only because one date isn't enough for me to gage who the guy is, to know if I want sex with him.

But I'm not consciously thinking, ok I'm going to make him wait. What I'm thinking is, I want to wait. I'm not ready yet. I don't know enough and I don't want to be stupid and then get hurt. Because on an instinctive level, throwing caution and rationality out the window, when I like a guy, I want it to work. And that sometimes makes me a little blind. So sometimes, waiting a little is my way of making sure that, even if in the end it doesn't work out, I don't regret what I've done and feel that it was worth a try.

As you can probably tell, I'm not into casual sex just for the hell of it. Sex is great, but I have to like the person I'm having it with.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

snowy

It's hard for me to say, as I've been in my current relationship for almost 4 years now. When we met, by the end of the evening it was obvious to both of us that there was something there. So I would say that I went to bed with him (two evenings after we met, on our first date) I knew that we were building an emotional connection, and I wanted to see if we had a physical connection. We do

And it always feels as if we're building on those connections, making them better, and making our relationship better.

So I guess you could say I think they go hand in hand, and I think when something really clicks, there's no need to wait to act on pursuing the physical connection. And of course, there are times when just pursuing a physical connection is a good thing I had those relationships too. I guess I've always felt that sex with someone I liked was a good thing, and it just gets better from there. For me, I guess it always felt obvious what avenue to pursue with which person.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Shaindra

I may yet post this in Tilted Sexuality and get the guy's perspective, but I really was interested in how other women approach it. If the goal is a long-term relationship, the most conventional advice is to wait. But I've also done that and ended up in an emotionally satisfying relationship that did nothing for me physically. Sad but true.

There is some argument that if the sparks aren't there in the beginning, they never will be. That isn't entirely true either, as I have developed physical feelings for people I didn't initially find attractive enough.

I've been thinking about this conundrum for a long while. It seems to be a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" sort of thing. I'm not one for waiting for artificial reasons, but I've had enough encounters with men who seem to get what they want and disappear to be skeptical of the "they won't hold it against you if you give in too soon."

I have friends who range from the "not until marriage" to "I try 'em on like pants." Throw in a few in between of the "when it feels right" and the "make 'em earn it" variety and you quickly see that there is no one answer.

I guess that is the answer: there is no one answer even for one person.

Interesting interpersonal and cultural topic to mull though.

__________________
"Never regret something that once made you smile."

mixedmedia

Personally, I think you can gauge pretty acurately without actually having sex how powerful the physical aspect of a potential relationship will be. Especially if there is actual communication about sex beforehand. I can say with absolute certainty that I can tell how good a man will be in bed (with me) from the way he kisses (me).

Of course, a glitch does come to mind, that being the scenario from Sex and the City where Charlotte meets the man of her dreams who seems to be perfect for her in all ways only to find out that he is impotent the night before her wedding. It's a humorous scenario in the show, but one that would really make me question the honesty of my partner in real life - kind of making good sex/bad sex irrelevant.

So, yes the physical aspect of a relationship is almost (if not just as much as) important to me as the emotional, but I don't think you really have to sleep with a man to know whether he will be compatible with you in bed. Although, being the girl I am, I would sleep with him anyway if I felt that strongly about it. I'm not one to make rules nor to follow them.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

ametc

I have to disagree.. even though you did mention the Sex and the city episode.


For me... I'm the type to fuck on the first date because I'm the type of person that can NEVER tell how much a guy is flirting or how much a guy is into me. And.. I'm not a good kisser... I find kissing kinda gross. I dunno why!!! :/ But, so.. I'll fuck a guy if him and I get along well enough.. and if the sex is interesting enough... I'll consider him more as sex is very important to me in a relationship.

It sounds shallow.. but if my boyfriend had a small penis or was horrible at sex.. I wouldn't be with him.

He needs to meet my physical needs before I open up to him completely. also... seeing how he tries or doesn't try to get me into his bed shows me how much of a douchebag he is or isn't.

Shaindra

Yep, I've had strong reactions to a man just from kisses...turn out to be a total dud in bed. It was all a matter of physical chemistry vs. a selfish lover. These were not things that were obvious on the first date. I tell you what though...those kisses literally made me swoon. I swear, I'd put up with the sex just for the kisses.

__________________
"Never regret something that once made you smile."

mixedmedia

Well I only speak from my own experience. I guess I'm such an exacting bitch, I won't let a guy I consider to be a selfish jerk or a douchebag within 10 paces, let alone within kissing range. So my pre-observations and judgments have been successful for me in gauging sexual compatibility. (not so much in other areas, unfortunately)

I suppose this is one reason why I have always tended to be attracted to older men. Older men are likely to be more skilled in bed, more sure of their kinks and more interested in your pleasure.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce