dolly dagger

Please tell me there are other insecure jealous women out there, or at least women who used to be jealous and grew out of it. I hate the jealous feelings I have, they're so irrational and I seem to torture myself daily. I've read about thought-stopping, desensitization and just simply raising ones self-esteem but nothing seems to be working. I just want it to go away!
I love my boyfriend and I really do trust that he loves me and respects me but I can't stop thinking he'll want a newer, sexier model at some point. Should I talk to a professional? I'm driving myself crazy and I want it to stop.

maleficent

Yes... Especially since it's effecting your life...

What makes you jealous? What are the triggers?

How does your boyfriend respond when you get jealous?

you have to remind yourself that you are good enough, and he likes you... other owmen might exist...but he's going home with you... everything else -- just doesn't matter.

A therapist could probably help you get to the root of your insecurities... and why you do act jealous... Generally, once you realize why you act a certain way, it's a lot easier to stop.

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Impetuous1

I used to be a very jealous person. Until my relationship turned to hell. To be honest, I had reason to be jealous (actually, I should have just left at that point). However, when everything went bad and was in tatters, I realized something. I didn't have to live like that. I was destroying myself. I was miserable and full of hatred. After that, I made peace with myself. I realized that I didn't have to stick in a relationship where I was intentionally being provoked into jealous rages. I made a pact with myself that I was going to start treating myself better by not putting myself in situations with the kind of person who would do that to me. Also, I realized at that point too, that I'm better off alone than with someone who will betray me. I'm not sure what your situation is. Is he provoking you in some way? Are you just jealous for no reason? In my case, I had never seen a healthy relationship. My parents were divorced because my father cheated, among other things. Same thing with 99% of my relatives. Deep inside, I thought that all men were like that. Sooner or later, I would be betrayed. So I was always on the lookout for signs. The trick is to learn to love yourself. Realize that everything doesn't have to be out of your control. You can take it back by stepping outside of the situation. Not sure if this made a lot of sense, but I hope it helped.

genuinegirly

Jealousy. We write movies about it. We read books about it. We hear about it left and right and seem to be told as young women that it is a just and normal emotion for our sex. It has destroyed lives. It ruins days... it's no good.

Impetuous 1, thank you for being so open about your change.

I do not consider myself filled with jealousy, but I am not immune to its occasional, and often disturbing, visits. When I step back and take a moment to view things rationally, I realize that there is no reason behind the emotion. Irrational thought breeds personal insecurity, which brings on the frustration of jealousy.

If you have tried many ways on your own, as you have said, I think that seeing a counselor about it may be a good option. You want to see a change, and you see that it most likely comes from within rather than the current boyfriend situation. These are glimpses of rationality and contentment.

If you do decide to fight through the emotion without counseling, remember that change is a long process. Be prepared to wait six months to a year to see any sort of abiding peace.

Just remember: don't beat yourself up over it.

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Sweetpea

relax.

and know that you're worthy and wonderful.

jealousy stems from being insecure.

Know that you're worthy and focus on that and the rest will take care of itself

sweetpea

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uptown

Also be sure to sit down with a friend you trust and review things. There are some men who fuel the very jealousy and insecurity in their women that they claim to despise. It might not all be you.

lurkette

I used to be very jealous, and it had absolutely nothing to do with my husband's actions, and everything to do with my deep-down assumption that I was completely unlovable. Eventually, I reasoned (or "reasoned" - it happened at such a subconscious level), he would figure out that he had made a huge mistake and leave me for someone else. I was so convinced that I was unloveable that I rejected his love in so many ways - dismissing his assurances that I'm beautiful, picking arguments over insignificant things, etc. It was only after I took a "self development" course that taught me that I had made up that I'm unloveable, when I was very very young, in response to how my parents were, and that I was clinging to that "truth" because it was comfortable and I was more interested in being right about the way I interpreted my world and my place in it than in actually having a loving relationship. When I saw it that way, everything shifted. It was no longer "The Truth" that I was unloveable. It was just some story I made up when I was 3 because my dad ignored me. And I could choose to live inside that story, or not. Now, it's still a very deeply ingrained thought pattern and it comes back all the time and I have to keep choosing to isten to it or not. But that "I'm unloveable" story was at the root of my jealousy, and the jealousy has NEVER come back. So much so that in fact we are able to maintain a polyamorous marriage with relatively little stress. I know he loves me.

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Miss Ina

My jealousy comes from my insecurities. Therapy will help you get past some of those insecurities that cause irrational thoughts and feelings. I suggest you ask around and find a therapist or a counsellor who can help you to sort through your insecurities and your fears to find what's really the problem.

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abaya

That's pretty much where I'm coming from, too... well, people didn't cheat in my family, but I saw no evidence of healthy relationships (unless religion was involved, but that wasn't always the best association to have). So I was pretty much "raised" on jealousy and insecurity, you might say... seeing every female in my family go through it.

In the end, I knew it was going to mess up my relationships forever unless I took the bull by the horns... started looking for/dating a different kind of guy (not the type that would feed my jealousy) and started going to pretty intensive counseling to correct my self-image and expectations of others. I've been in counseling for 2+ years now and it has done me wonders... have also been in an incredible relationship for 2 years, one where I have learned to feel more and more safe, and this has also been wonderful.

I honestly feel that you can learn to control jealousy (much as Lurkette discussed) if you really, really want to work on it. I know I have improved a ton in the last two years, with the counseling and work in my relationship. It is damn hard work, though, and takes a ton of honesty and responsibility for oneself. That is, as long as you are with someone who you KNOW you should trust, and who has never done anything to hurt you, then it's pretty much YOUR job to fix yourself (as long as they are also fully supporting you in that process). It comes down to what you want, and what kind of life you want to have.

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shesus

Jealousy is an ugly little monster and I don't think anyone is immuned to it, you just learn not to let it bother you. I used to be a lot more jealous when I was younger, but as I'm growing older and more secure in my relationship, I realize that I have no reason to be jealous because we are opened and honest with each other.

I think that jealousy, for me, stemmed from fear of losing someone I loved. I was terrified of being left alone. Once I realized this and the fact that I would be fine if I did have to live on my own, I became a lot more confident and less jealous.

I guess you need to figure out why you are jealous because as the other ladies mentioned there are different triggers and reasons. Therapy is always good to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings if you are stuck.

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savvypup

Yep, got that ugly jealous bone too. My husband use to say, 'You don't trust me, you know I'd never do anything' and I believed him. My response was 'It's not you I don't trust, it's other women'.

We (females) can be very persistant ..... that I know very well now.

Is he flirty or is it just you being paranoid that he's going to run off?

Help? ....... yes .... if you want to deal with how to control your emotions. But even after that, if he's going to leave, he's going to leave. You can't stop him. But you need to be confident to know in yourself that it's not because of you. Some things just don't last forever ..... unfortunately.

I wish you luck with finding that happy medium with your inner self.

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ciao bella!

dolly dagger

I'm almost 100% sure it's paranoia, I'm the flirty one.

ClostGoth

What is a "self development course" and how do you go about finding them? Is it a class or something offered through a therapist or a type of therapy or what? I'm super curious and could probably use one of these myself.

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percy

Jealousy is no good.I've never been the jealous type because to me it is a wasted emotion, just like anger. I've had boyfriends that were jealous and even girlfriends who couldn't let go and show some trust. I think it stems from wanting to be the center of someones universe and when your not, jealousy creeps in because we are not getting what we expect. Solution; create your own center of the universe for yourself and bring people into it rather than trying to fit into someone elses universe.

CaliLivChick

Sometimes repetition helps, so here's my two cents: Jealousy is insecurity with yourself that you transfer to your relationship. I was with a guy for 2 1/2 years who was more confident, had more friends, and had more of a social life than me, and it made me insecure. When we broke up, I got my own life, and I haven't had a problem since. I've been with my current boyfriend for almost six years, and I have no doubts/insecurities about our relationship because I've kept my own identity.

ash

every morning sit down in front of the mirror and tell yourself your beautiful, your a wonderful person, and the jealousy doesnt define you. its all insecurity, trust me. i used to be like that too.

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Brendy

Wow, this thread is eye-opening. The green-eye monster in me has always been a problem in my current relationship though I know that I that there's nothing to be insecure of. I'm have changed my mindset about this matter and much thanks to all you lovely tfp ladies!!

mixedsubstance

^^^ It is eye-opening. I, too, have recently been dismissing the monster in my relationship. It seemed to have come out of nowhere- but finally realized that it did stem from my marriage, which ended a little over a year ago. It comes from insecurities of feeling unattractive, unappreciated, and even sometimes feeling like I am "just at their convenience".
Well- I have learned a lot about men, about relationships, and about myself. And I am still working on improving my thoughts instead of just jumping to those negative conclusions which can cloud the truth and hurt the relationship, making my SO see this insecurity in me, and tending to withdraw, beginning to think I am over-emotional and possibly even start doubting our relationship, which then makes me feel even more insecure- and it's just like a tug of war. It will just keep going back and forth.
Yes he's done things in the past that I was uncomfortable with and I spoke up in a polite way. No he's never cheated on me, but yes he has done things (not regarding women) that make me lose trust in him. That's where I fight with my weaknesses and all hell can break lose.
Bottom line is- it takes two. And two to communicate.
Once something like this starts, you can never get back to the way you were in your relationship. It takes work- and yes, the relationship can be taken to a whole new level. But it can never be like it was.

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