warrrreagl

First, there is no prize for this contest, other than pride.

::::CONTEST IS NOW OVER AS OF APRIL 6, 2004::::
::::PLEASE SKIP AHEAD TO SEE THE OUTCOME::::

My wife and I are a responsible, respectable couple living childlessly (by choice) in our beautiful home. My wife's brother just informed us that he and his family (wife and newborn infant) will be moving in with us soon for an indefinite period of time while they "work on" some property they own.

My wife and I are clean, quiet, happy, and set in our ways. We have two poodles and two cats who have never shared the house with anyone else (except for brief visits by friends and family).

My brother-in-law and his wife are filthy people; not just messy, but absolutely disgustingly filthy. The baby is a good one, but we're still talking about an infant here. They also have five dogs and three cats (can you say HICKS?).

He didn't ask us if this was okay, he simply told us yesterday (which is his style); my wife nearly went comatose.

The problem for us is that we can't think of a good reason to prevent them from doing this other than we simply don't want them to. It would fuck up our lives beyond comprehension and we would hate every minute of it. They would think of my unemployed wife as the perfect live-in babysitter and dog-sitter. They would be a monstrous drain on our finances and they would never pay us back for anything (they never have, so why start now?).

But, my wife's family is like the Corleone's; FAMILY is everything, and you don't refuse a family member without a damned good reason.


So that's the contest: We need good reasons and we need them fast. Go.

::::CONTEST IS NOW OVER AS OF APRIL 6, 2004::::
::::PLEASE SKIP AHEAD TO SEE THE OUTCOME::::

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

Harshaw

Tell him it's ok if they come to live there, but you might want to swap wives every other weekend.

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Man, if my brother in-law showed up telling me he was moving in without asking, I would be so pissed off I wouldn't be able to see straight. I feel for 'ya.

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This too shall pass.

Nisses

There's your good reason and the only one you really need. All the others will be analysed and uncovered for the lie they are in the end.

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Moderation should be moderately moderated.

Kaos

This is the best answer. Better to just be unaccomodating, than to be unaccomodating and a liar.

Tell them you can't house them and drain your financial resources while they get theirs in order. And that you don't run a Kennel or babysitting service.

And probably best of all, tell them that this situation would be uncomfortable for all of you, and it would only cause hurt feelings that you don't want to happen between you/you wife and them.

Hanxter

"you really wanna move in with us...? that would be fine, but i gotta tell ya, we're thinking of getting a rottwieler..."

MSD

Poodles and kids are not a good combination. The kid will end up getting hurt, and you're not locking the dogs in a room while they stay. Plus, they wouldn't want to expose the kid to your 24/7 Death Metal stereo.

JStrider

depending on how attached to their animals they are you could tell them you dont want that many more animals tearing up the house and yard... that the 4 you already have are enough...

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-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

Lebell

Word.

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"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis

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tecoyah

Tell them your homeowners insurance wont cover "live ins" and for legal reason, and financial, it is impossible to put them up for more than two weeks(the arbitrary time period in your insurance clause). If however they would be willing to pay the 1500.00 a year cost increase in your policy, you can accomidate them, for one year.$1500.00 might help pay to fumigate after they leave as well.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Redjake

nah man you can't go with that. it sounds good on the screen but try doing it in real life. fire and brimstone, baby. fire and brimstone.

tell them the dogs aren't used to having so many people in the house and that their dogs and their kid will have a hard time adjusting to them. also say something about how you have a hectic schedule right now and don't know if you can handle more than what you have right now. two poodles and two cats are enough for your current schedule. if they start making excuses, just say "sorry I don't think it would work out." and be firm!

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Off the record, on the q.t., and very hush-hush.

Nisses

heh, you just agreed with me

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Moderation should be moderately moderated.

Redjake

Sorry, I wasn't talking about just saying "I don't think it would work out." I mean building up the pet story into something huge and elaborate, and THEN if they still give a fight, just tell them that BECAUSE OF the pets, you don't think it would work out. Gotta keep the pet thing in there. You can't just say "it wouldn't work out." Then they won't buy you presents anymore for Christmas or talk to you at the grocery store.

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Off the record, on the q.t., and very hush-hush.

analog

Normally this is where I'd give you a long, iron-clad lie that would be as fun to tell as it was infallible...

but... just stand up to them. Someone who would be as rude as to just tell you they're going to do this and that, is not deserving of your hospitality.

Just tell them you cannot afford to have them live there, since that really is the truth.

PayUp

I agree with analog. use those balls you got, stand up to em and say not no but hell NO.

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Born to Lose.

H12

Ka-ching, winner. Honest and firm's always the way to go.

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"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit."
--Aristotle

StormBerlin

Heh... sweet. Is it true though? Even if it isn't, it makes one hell of a lie. I say stick with this one. It sounds the most believable. But I'm with everyone else: Just tell them that you don't believe it is a good idea.

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"if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

Fremen

A good contagious disease lie could work in a pinch.

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uncle phil

whose house is it, anyway? and they invited themselves?

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Journeyman

Soooo... don't ask him if he's okay finding a hotel or other living accomodations, just simply tell him today (which, being his style, he will understand) that you don't want his kid, his smelly pets, or his messy and filthy lifestyle in your house. No problem with him, just what he'll be bringing to the place.

qtpye4u84

Yeah, I would be so pissed at my hubby if his brother said he was going to be moving in. Its like he did not ask he invited him self.
I would get so pissed. How many rooms do you have?
Your animals could not handle that many more animals in the house they would bark a lot and be very protective.
Dont they have parents, grandparents love babys. maybe your parents would like them to stay with them.
to short of a notice. say sorry its to complicated to deal with all the things and you dont need any more drama.

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The QTpie

panbert

Well, since he's arranged himself to move in without really asking for your permission. You can do the reverse and arrange for him and his family to move into a rental home (and they pay the rent of course).

next time you talk to him on the phone, just tell him that you've find a suitable location and give him the contact details of the real estate agent. And hang up after that.

No excuses required.

sexymama

First, I hope you tell us which way you choose. Although I agree that the best way is to be upfront and firm, that doesn't always work.

My suggestion, draw up a legal contract, insisting that they sign it in front of a notary prior to moving in. Include in it: pet deposits, cleaning fees, room charges, their share of utilities, "house" rules and expectations, late charges, etc. Insist that they put down some sort of collateral (their new home maybe?) not because you are mean, but because most legal documents call for it. Then stick by the contract! At least then, if they do move in, you are empowered to act if they infringe any further and/or leave the place a mess. My bet though, is that they will not want to go through the stress of signing the document and would rather pay rent on their own place and have their privacy.

How to present it: I care so much about our relationship that I don't want anything to come between us. I know how stressful it can be for two couples to live together, so to save from their being any hard feelings, I drew up a living arangement agreement. There is a notary at _________, what time can you meet me there to sign it? I'll give you a copy now so that you can read it prior to our meeting.

Good luck!

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It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

Prince

I don't think the insurance thing would work, as based on what he said the brother and his wife seem like the kind of people who'll tell you "sure, we'll pay" and then you'll never see a dime.

Also, I'd try and avoid any lies/explanations that are too elaborate and take a lot of explaining, because the longer and more complicated the lie is, the more obvious it is.

What you need is something short and simple, and yet indisputeable. Something that'll just make him shut up and say, "Oh.....hmh.....Guess that's it then."

What that would be, I don't know, but I think telling the truth might be the best idea so far, if at all doable. I mean, he's your brother, right? He should be able to get over the disappointed of not being able to mooch on you.

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warrrreagl

What a great start to the contest. I appreciate the level of thinking here, as the idea is obviously to suggest a new routine around the house he would find unacceptable.

However, I cannot declare this idea a winner because what if he accepted the proposal? Then, I would be stuck with Jabba the Hut as a swap partner.

Therefore, not a winner (but definitely Honorable Mention).

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

Clearly not a winner, as you must not have read all the fine print of the contest.

Re-read the "Corleone Clause" and you'll see why this one cannot be a winner. Sorry.

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

I like the Kennel/Babysitting angle here. But unfortunately, I feel it's not strong enough. Excellent effort, though.

Not a winner.

P.S. - To many others (but not Kaos), I'm detecting a bland commonality in many other responses that seem to suggest (and I'm paraphrasing), "Just tell him you don't want him there."

This response is A) dull, and B) clearly outside the scope of the parameters set up in the original contest. This response is like a bunt hit during a home-run derby. I need some ideas that are out of the park, and not Dr. Phil dribble.

From this point forward, these similar responses will be lumped together and judged as B & C (bland and common).

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

WHOA, we've got a strong first place in this one, Hanxter! Good show!

Actually, my brother-in-law is terrified of large cats, and so we've already begun some serious discussion about adopting a Canadian Lynx, or something like that.

Excellent!

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

MrSelfDestruct, always a tiptop thinker. This suggestion may be tied with Hanxter for first place.

I've already threatened to make sure I practice piano at 1AM every night and play Hendrix on the stereo every morning when I get up.

Good ideas!

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

JStrider, I also thought this idea was a good one, too, but my wife already nixed it when I suggested it earlier. I don't know why, but she said this excuse won't work.

Sorry, but good effort.

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

iccky

Probably not a doable answer, but you could all of a sudden start having work done on YOUR house. Ever wanted new hardwood floors? Retile all the bathrooms? now might be the time. Or maybe say you suddenly found out that your pipes are about to fail and you have to have them all replaced now. Say that you finally got to the front of this amazing contractor's waiting list and if you don't have it done now you'll never get him again. Somethign to make your house as inhospitable as theirs.

Bad insect infestation with a multi-stage fumigation (that is, of course, very harmful to children) required might work as well.

I guess that's two ideas.

Litespeed

"No" is a perfectly good response.

If that doesn't work, get a restraining order. There is NO REASON for this family to move in with you. The idea is preposterous.

guthmund

You could always start out with...

Handing him medical pamphlets of strange diseases he might "catch" from you. "How to live with Herpes"....The Clap....Crabs....etc... You could tell you know...*wink "FYI, roomie!" But you say he's a dirty fellow so maybe he won't mind....

You could then move on to casual warnings.

"You know don't be alarmed if you wake up and catch me sleepwalking in the kitchen with my wang in the jar of peanut butter. It's perfectly natural."

The smell of baby shit drives your poodles fricken crazy. I mean loony batshit crazy. It just wouldn't be a safe enviroment.

Your new "nudist lifestyle" isn't suited to the accomodations. After all, think of the children.

I mean, if you going to go all out to lie, tell a whopper. Anything else would be insulting. And make it as complicated as possible, make them work to unravel your layers of deception.

[edit: I just read iccky's response. (I guess I missed it.) There's two good reasons

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jwoody

Let him move in and make a 'reality TV' show out of it. I'd watch 2 couples, 7 dogs, 3 cats and a baby trying to live together.

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iamnormal

Print ^^^ that out and send it to them.

crfpilot

Go to a realtor and borrow a for sale sign with the little SOLD on top of it, and say you sold the house and escrow closes in 45 days. Then when 45 days comes around, oh it fell out of escrow.

warrrreagl

All right, here's another tie for First Place. This is an angle I hadn't considered at all. I could also probably tie this in with a zoning violation for our neighborhood (single family zoning).

Excellent, tecoyah.

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

RedJake, thanks for being able to see through the B & C responses. The response concerning the dogs is a good one, although I think it was probably better expressed in the earlier response that "poodles and babies don't mix."

Great effort, and thanks!

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

Analog, unfortunately this is not an option. I really need that good iron-clad lie in this case.

Not a winner....

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

Fremen,
This one has actually crossed our minds. We were trying to tie it in with the baby somehow, but we haven't hit on the exact wording yet.

Great effort, and definitely in the Top Five.

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

warrrreagl

Journeyman,
Intriguing, definitely. I like the concept of telling him that he's not the problem (it's the wife and kids), but unfortunately that's not the case. HE'S the real problem, and his wife and kids are clearly his better half.

Not a winner because nobody who knows him would ever buy it.

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Living is easy with eyes closed.