nabbers

So I have this woman who is my wife's sister and she is making my life very bad indeed.

she bought a house 2 doors away from my daughters school and has made it like a shrine to my kids, she has a bedroom for my daughter and pictures of her everywhere and makes all kinds of excuses to get my wife to call in with my daughter after school.

She often collects my daughter and she is now friends on facebook with all the other mothers and she seems to like looking really efficient at everything whilst meking my wife more and more inept.

If my wife and I row, it's over her behaviour and the two sisters always side with each other over me.

Everytime I try to have a meal out with my family, this person turns up too. I wouldnt mind, but it's obvious we hate each other.

So I googled her symtoms and came up with Histronic Personality disorder and I told my wife and she told her and now she hates me even more because she now thinks i'm making stuff up about her.

It fits perfectly, she's had an abortion, been raped twice, had inappropriate sexual contact with her friend 17 year old son, makes people really special for like a week or so and then dumps them, collects friends and destroys their friendships with others. She has to win at everything, so much so that she will read all the answers if she gets anew board game and goes to great lengths to prove shes right about everything. She's put on this effected accent and sounds ridiculous, she has to be the centre of attention all the time.

She is ruining my life, short of murder, what do I do?

wraithhibn

Have somebody else kill her? j/k.

Easiest thing to do is pick your battles.

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Baraka_Guru

I have reason to believe that one of my sisters has anywhere between 1 to 3 different personality disorders. It's pretty severe. I'm lucky in that I don't live in the same town as her and that she doesn't attempt to pry herself into my life. She has others she does that to, but she does it quite severely.

You can't really reason with people who have personality disorders. This means that if they won't seek help, there's not much you can do but either bear it or avoid it.

If you bear it, keep in mind that they might not always be aware of what they're doing and that to them what they do might seem perfectly rational/normal/expected even when it's clearly not. It might even seem to them an entitlement. Try to find a way to navigate around that or to otherwise minimize its impact on you and your family.

Have you read any books on personality disorders? Some focus on friends and families of sufferers and how to manage it from the outside.

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Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
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noodle

Everyone fits in a personality disorder of some kind if you look hard enough. They can only be diagnosed by a professional and they're dangerous labels because there isn't much treatement for them. We're all histrionic, narcissistic, borderline... you name it.

Sound like this woman has some serious boundary issues. You've got to pick your battles with your wife and set limits with the crazy lady. Which will be difficult. But labeling people is likely to cause more problems. You married into the crazy... now you're going to have to deal. You might need to sit down with your wife an have an open conversation about your feelings, should the time present itself, and if this isn't successful, you might just have to accept it.

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bagatelle

I really like this approach. I'm usually trying not to give labels. I know though, that some people get help, if they get diagnosed and therapy. They might not see there's a problem though, so they don't feel the need to seek help and would get offended, when it's suggested to them. And then the problem may be just the others not being tolerant enough, go figure...

I rather avoid people, I can't get along with. The case with someone you have to see often, like family, is more difficult. Like the poster above says, the first thing might be to try to make arrangements with your wife.

At work we had a case a bit like this. I work in an open plan office with up to 10 people in the evenings. When two certain women were on shifts together, their manners would start to annoy everyone. They talked loud all the time and usually mocking other co-workers, who weren't present. I would call the other one a bit narcissist, but both of them seemed to have a lot of stress.

If someone complained straight to them about their behaviour, it would become worse and they defended their right to be the way they want to be. Finally several complaints to the management from different people paid off - the other woman was transferred to day shift and when the other woman is alone in the evening, she won't be a problem.

nabbers

Hmm some good advice, I am happy to compromise, I'm not some macho keep my wife indoors type who want's it all my own way, I just want a compromise.

I've talked to my wife until there is not much talking anymore, I use the 'C' word a lot, I just say come home maybe three nights straight from school and go to hers on two nights. She agrees, but the crazy sister engineers all kinds of reasons to get her there and then keeps her there by say having the latest game or dvd which she puts on for my daughter which makes it mean for my wife to break off.

My wife is torn, she feels sorry for the lonely sister, who hasn't got a partner(she can't keep one) hasn't got any kids (she aborted hers-cruel but true).

This woman has lost her well paid job through crazy issues, so now she has more time over to mess up my life grrrr!

So no point in discussing it much more with my wife, we've done that and nothing changes.

As I see it my choices are:

Grin and bear it.

Join in the party... turn up at her house whenever my family are there, drink her drink and eat her food. Kick of my shoes, chill out, outstay my welcome.

Do something selfish for myself, go to bars, womanise, maybe do more hobbies.

Make some declaration, in writing, hand it to all parties involved.

Leave and start another life.

I'm pretty beat up about all this, I'm not a selfish person, but the years are flying by and I'm missing out on my family.

bagatelle

What would actually happen, if you appeared at her place more often? Would things be worse? Do you go there at all?

You usually get that kind of behaviour from mothers or mother-in-laws... maybe there is a need for her to show she can cope taking care of a child and surely her bad experiences influence on her current behaviour. I hope your daughter enjoys her visits though and maybe she is part of helping your sis-in-law get over her losses, this being just a temporary phase in life.

I know it's hard, but could you try to accept her faults and try to show your acceptance towards her more openly?

jewels

Just playin' a bit of devil's advocate. Check it out from a slightly different angle.

It's not all that unusual for family members to want to live near family. Could be that was the house that was available in her price range when she was looking to buy.

Your use of the word shrine may be extreme. Many families are extremely close and their nieces, nephews and grandkid's photos all around are not all that extraordinary.

Many people have a spare or guest room. She may have made it clear that your daughter is more than welcome to spend the night.

Up until this point, things appear okay. Asking your wife to keep her out of school? Not okay. If your wife allows this and it's turned into an argument between the two of you, a third party or mediator may need to get involved. Something like an intervention that wouldn't make them defensive so that they can see that taking her out of school is not a smart decision.

Friends on FB? No biggie. But how is she making your wife look inept? If this is so, why would your wife side with her? What does your wife say when you have a calm and rational discussion about your feelings here? There seems to be more going on here than stated in your OP.

What noodle said. No one likes being labeled, especially by someone who's shown such clear dislike of them.

It's beyond clear that you don't like her. Most people don't like people who don't like them. It sounds as though you've let her bring out this competitive side of you. That's the only way she can "win"; don't let her manipulate you into hating her. If all this is as you see it, you should feel sorry for her.

Since you have no control over her actions, the idea of discussing boundaries with your wife is first. If she's not harming your daughter, she should be able to spend time with her as long as your daughter's comfortable with it. What does she say about all this?

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nabbers

I'm open minded and can run with any scenario.
it could be that I am insane.
I am open minded enough to consider anything,
I have bench mark that I label 'normality'.
I share the same opinion with many to what normal is.
What I am experiencing is far from what I consider to be normal and those close to me that are not in-laws do not consider it to be normal either.


My daughter is 8, Normal for her is what she is used to. What effect this version of normality has on her worries me.

I am happy to compromise, but non is offered or accepted.

I may be in the wrong, that's why I seek advice and to be educated.
I am open minded.