Undercover_Man

Hello. My girlfriend just told me that she has to go into the military. She said that she has personal reasons and she couldn't talk with me about it before because she knew that I wouldn't want her to do it.

This is a unique situations though. We are in a long distance relationship. This isn't like any other. We talk on the phone about 7-9 hours each day. When we wake up, during the day between her school and my work, and before we go to sleep.

We know we love each other and we know absolutely certain that we want to get married. There is no question about it. We were made for each other. It's something that we can't explain. It's just strong chemistry.

The plan was that we finish with our school (middle of next year) and we get engaged about a year after and get married the following year.

She told me tonight that she had signed papers that says she will enter into the military when she becomes 18.

We've been together almost a year now. We have been through so much already. I don't know how to think anymore right now. I just wish I could hibernate and sleep through the whole thing until she comes back to me.

I do have some questions though. I'm worried that she won't come back. I'm worried that something will happen and she won't come back. I love her so much. she was able to pick from Army, Marines, or Navy. She let me choose and I picked Navy.

She's going to come back to me, right? What are the statistics of people coming back from a two year thing? Will she be sent out to Iraq? What kind of stuff would they have her do? They won't have her out fighting, will they? She'll only be gone for two years max? How can we stay in contact? What should I expect? I'm scared.

Please explain how I can cope with this different kind of separation. I am so so worried right now. If she doesn't come back then I will go crazy. I can't live without her. She is my heart and soul and my one reason for living. I love her. I don't know what to do. I'm going out of my mind just thinking of it. Please help.

~ Undercover_Man

UPDATE:

Some are wondering why she did this without talking to me first. And why she wants to do this in the first place. Her brothers were in the military and she has always wanted to join. She's doing this because she wants to, because her brothers did it, and because everyone says it would be good for her. She isn't your normal girlie girl. She's more of a tom boy and plays many sports that guys do. She didn't want to tell me until after because she didn't want me to talk her out of it.

We both know that we love each other very deeply and that we are fully committed to this relationship. I've always advised my friend about not doing these types because they don't work all too often, but I've also always told myself that I could make it work. We have been together almost a year (11 months) and we plan on getting married. The question of us supporting each other financially isn't a big problem. I'm from an upper-middle class family and she has inherited some money from some relatives who passed away that she is saving up. I can hold a solid job. I've worked at Disney for a year and my current place for over. We wouldn't have entered into this relationship unless we both knew for sure that we could be a couple in this type of relationship.

Any other questions I will answer. Thanks for the help thus far. I'm not handling this very well at all. I miss her so much already and she isn't even gone yet.

ItWasMe

I don't know where she will be sent in the Navy, or what her job will be. She could give you more insight to that than I could. My husband has been overseas with the Army for about a year and a half, due home soon. I can tell you how we keep in touch.

Communication has been different for us, not like the way it was years ago. He often has computer/internet access. We try to communicate regularly. While we cannot chat, we do send emails. I'm not sure what kind of access she will have. We also have cell phones with text messaging. Yes, it does cost a little bit for each message. But when he is without pc access for a while, we do use that. Between an occasional phone call, emails, and text messages, I get to hear from him a couple of times a week. Sometimes more, depending on where he is, sometimes less. But I don't have to wait for weeks on end to know that he is okay.

I do understand the wish to hibernate for two years. It helps to stay busy, and with our 3 kids that is pretty easy to do. Try to fill your 7-9 phone hours each day with new hobbies, school work, a social group, etc. Another TFP'er is going through the same thing, and will probably respond to the thread, also.

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thingstodo

Sounds like you're both pretty young. Aren't you missing out on a great deal of life this early on?

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JustJess

^^things, man (woman?)... while I can definitely agree that they're young, the poor guy isn't here asking if he's too young to be this committed. He's asking about how to deal with a partner in the military for 2 years, and a little reassurance that she'll come home okay.

Undercoverman - Like ItWasMe said... it's a whole new world now for military families. Contact is often lots more regular than it ever used to be. And yes, do get involved with things - school, friends, maybe some charitible activities? You could volunteer at the hospital - I know from experience that it's very absorbing. The time you spend there, you're too busy to think much, and people are SO grateful (staff and patients alike) to have the extra help, or the ear. Try not to let yourself get down. On the bright side, there are some pretty decent benefits to being military once she gets out.

I wish you both luck, and strength, and determination.

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Manic_Skafe

Yeah but it's simply unfair to lead Undercover_Man to the highly unlikely conclusion that his long distance relationship will last throughout this 2 year period.

Long distance relationships rarely ever work out for those with decades more life experience than Undercover_Man and his girlfriend seem to have. Couple that inexperience and blatant naivety along with the fact that they'll be going through her 2 year stint in the armed forces during one of the most significant lifestyle transitions they'll ever have to make and it's easy to see that the odds simply aren't stacked in Undercover_Man's favor.

Those are wonderful and truly magical feelings and you're both lucky to have experienced such a strong desire for someone else.

However, you'll have to come to terms with the fact that you're much better off focusing not so much on this relationship and much more on yourself. You'll come to the realization that deciding who you'll become and where you'll be in the next few years are difficult enough questions to grapple with and while it'd be incredible if you two came out together at the end of this - you'll be fine even if you aren't together.

What are your plans for the future?

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Ustwo

If the girl who absolutely loved me and wanted to marry me decided to join the Navy for two years without even talking to me about it first I'd be a bit concerned.

She's not even 18 yet and off she goes?

Reminds me of my college days when the new freshman class came in with their girlfriends away at another school. Those didn't work and I doubt this will either. Be ready to cut your losses.

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kurty[B]

What scares me, is she has not told you why she is joining the Navy. I would imagine that would help ease things, and in a relationship where you will be apart for 2 years being able to communicate and be honest about everything is very important.

Now, from my personal experience, long distance relationships have never worked for me (whether it was living a few hours away from each other, or halfway across the world).

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Cynthetiq

that's my take too.

how is it that you two can communicate if things like this can't be communicated now? I understand that there are personal things, but if you are truly destined, shouldn't there be some sort of destined communication?

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serlindsipity

call this pessimism, but if she can keep something like this from you, you gotta wonder what else she has the capacity to hide.....

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World's King

Don't worry. The Navy is the all Gay branch of the military... think about it...

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Willravel

I've had a few female friends join up. Usually it was because they had no clue what to do with the rest of their lives (their words). They were given money, structure, and duty. One has lost her arm. UCM, I hope your girlfriend realizes that just because she doesn't have a Y chromosome doesn't mean she won't potentially be in danger. I'm not trying to make you afraid, and I sympathize with your situation (though I can't claim to relate).

Keep talking with her about it. She needs to understand that her decision is seriously having a negative effect the people she loves. Not only that, but this mums the word policy on why she's going doesn't fly. It's really fucked up, to be blunt.

Cynthetiq

I thought it was becuase of the song.

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TotalMILF

QFT. This chick says she loves you and wants to marry you and blah blah blah, but she won't discuss one of the most important and life-changing decisions she'll EVER make with you!? Something is very off here...

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Slims

Ok, here's my take on it:

You need to support her if this is what she really wants to do.

The navy is a safe job. She is probably more likely to die in a civilian car accident than at war in the navy.

The risk for you is that she might find someone else...two years is a long time, and it is potentially just the prelude to a long career.

However, if you have a strong relationship, and you are both serious about each other then chances are good you will remain together and the navy and the time apart will reinforce and strengthen your relationship. If not, well, better to find out sooner than later.

Why is she hesitant to discuss her decision? Are you against the military? Does she perhaps feel that you will not support her or will think less of her? I am willing to bet that if you relax a little, support her decision (it is still HER decision, you are not even engaged yet) and try not to be short sighted about it, she will be happy to tell you why.

although, you did say that YOU picked the navy for her, and she went with that decision. Seems like she does care about you, because she allowed you to choose the world she is going to live in for the next two years. Why did you choose the Navy?


You really seem disturbed about the possibility of her getting injured or killed. Don't be. I am not being sexist here, but as a part of the military I can tell you for a fact that women are not treated the same as men and are not afforded the opportunity to be in the middle of a fight unless it happens accidentally. Furthermore, she is going to be in the Navy. How many aircraft carriers have been sunk recently? Any navy boats at all? I don't think you have any reason to worry about the well being of your girlfriend.

Also, of those two years, she is probably going to spend at least six months training before she goes anywhere. I don't know how the navy handles deployments (boat rides?) but she probably won't be gone the entire time.

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albania

I'll have to agree with JustJess, it seems to me that all he specifically asked about was her wellbeing in the Navy. Most of you are giving great advice but he didn't ask for it. I don't know much about the Navy, but I wouldn't worry about her wellbeing; it's only bound to become a neurosis and unhealthy since you can’t do much to change the situation.

Ustwo

Odds of her being killed in the Navy as a female are pretty low, I'd guess not much higher (or maybe even lower) than the general population. Incidents like the USS Stark or Cole are not common. Accidents happen of course, but as they say they can happen anywhere. Its not like shes joining the SEALS.

That being said I don't think shes coming back. This is not the foundation of a solid relationship.

I've been with my wife since she was 18 and we had several times where we were long distance or had the potential of being long distance, but never had an issue. If she would have sprung on me, "I don't know how to tell you this but I've made a life changing decision for both of us without telling you and made a 2 year commitment that could put me anywhere in the world, but I knew you wouldn't approve or understand so I neglected to mention it despite our 7-9 hour phone conversations." things wouldn't have gone as smoothly.

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xepherys

I love gross misconceptions. You want it honest Undercover? Here it is...

First of all, I'd be concerned about the "two year" thing. Currently, no branch of the military has a 2 year commitment for non-prior service enlistees. She MAY have a 2 and 6 contract, meaning 2 years active and 6 reserve, but asking around the Navy guys here, I don't think that's an option. The Army has a 3 and 5, but it's uncommon at best. Currently, all first time enlistees in any branch are required to serve eight years total, active and reserve.

Secondly, the missions of the Air Force and Navy have changed significantly in the last few years.In Afghanistan, the PRT structure alone contains a great number of men and women from both services. They are just as likely to get hit by an IED as any of the soldiers. We have Navy trucks roll with us almost every day. They include men and women sailors from a variety of fields. The gunner for the Navy truck? He's one of our cooks. Most Navy personnel deployed today are "sand squids". They are boots on the ground, serving alongside Army and Marine personnel. Yup, women too!

As for some of the things mentioned by others, I know you didn't come here seeking advice about your relationship, but I'm going to give it anyway. That's a huge thing to keep secret. That's not the sign of health in a relationship. You guys are young (not 18 yet?)... man, it's one of those things that I guess you have to learn on your own, but I wish I'd listened to my mom when she told me I was too young to know wtf I was talking about back then. I'm 30 and I still don't know shit. Don't assume you know everything you need to already. *shrug*

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abaya

Yep, I see the problem here as being honesty/communication/vulnerability, not the Navy itself. Lots of people survive long distance just fine... but you've gotta have wicked-sharp communication skills before it ever gets off the ground. I really see *NO* reason for her to not tell you why she's joining up. (Are you a lot older than she is, btw, or same age?)

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ItWasMe

I checked your join date before I replied. You should be at least 21 by now. My answer might have been different if you were also 17. Like, go live your life, although that is still good advice. But your questions were more along the lines of 'what should I expect' so that is how I answered.

Reading your post, I don't just see her sneaking off. It looks like she told you about it before she signed. She knew you wouldn't like it, but she is a 17 year old who has been dating someone (long distance) for less than a year. I don't think this as a bad thing for her to make decisions about her life, unless she is being pushed into it by someone.

I see 'already long distance relationship' + 'plan to marry 2 years after she graduates'... and I see her filling those two years of her life with something constructive and/or meaningful. Striking out on her own, taking care of herself, seeing the world while she can, whatever her reasons are. It is good for a young person to take charge of her life. She has plenty of time to settle down, and so do you.
You asked if she will come back after two years. Some people find that they like that way of life, some love it, some hate it. I have known people who:

*Did not like the military, and got out at the end of their term.
*Liked the military experience, but were ready to leave and not reenlist.
*Loved their freedom, adventures, being responsible for themselves, and reenlisted.
*Loved the experience, but came home because they felt pressured to. Then suddenly reenlisted and flew the coup.
*Loved the experience, but came home because they felt pressured to, and felt resentful about it for a long time.
*Decided to be a 'lifer'. (If she decides this, are you prepared to marry her and follow her military career?)

Either way, she will return a changed individual, probably/hopefully more grown up than the 17 year old you now know. Growing up isn't a bad thing, but she will be different. But then, that would happen whether or not she is long distance military, or long distance living with parents for those two years.

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Undercover_Man

I updated my post to answer some of your questions. Thanks for the help.

snowy

It's not the casualty rate of female Navy personnel that concerns me, but rather the rate of sexual assault perpetrated on females in the service that would worry me. I couldn't find specific statistics regarding the rate of assault within Navy ranks, but I did find a list of important facts about sexual assault in the Navy from the Navy itself (admittedly, they do realize there is a problem with it in their ranks): http://www.c7f.navy.mil/news/2007/january/17.htm


A disturbing observation from that site, and one I hope disturbs you:
Furthermore, why is your girlfriend going into the service now? Why not go to college and join up with ROTC? That seems like a much better option.

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Plan9

Well, she gets cool polyester pants with her name stamped above her right buttcheek.

Hey-ho, my stop loss! Hey-ho, it's outta sight!

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Slims

Basically what the contract says is that you have to serve 8 years total. You are active for however long you agree (the army has terms for as short as a year now) and then you go into the INACTIVE reserve for the remainder of your 8 years. This is not the same as the army reserves. Basically it means that until her 8 years are up, she can get called back into the navy in the event of a big war, etc.

I know that the army often gets stop lossed, until the end of a deployment, etc. but I haven't heard anything about this happenning to the navy. Perhaps some seamen can shed some light on the issue.

Oh, and re the sexual assault: I don't doubt that it happens, as it does in all careers, but the military takes that sort of thing very seriously and while I would worry about voluntary indescretions, I don't think she has to worry about getting raped.

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Plan9

Or stop-loss'd 90 days before a deployment while you're trying to ACAP.

...

OP: Shit happens whenever you go outside. The military is safer than most places. The military is a damn fine way to start your life.

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Bear Cub

Who the hell cares about military technicalities? The fact is she's not even 18, so she honestly has no business in deciding her future this early. She's going to join the military, see the world, get out in her mid 20's, and you're going to find a new girlfriend. Does it suck? Absolutely it does, for now.

Rekna

She could still change her mind even though she signed papers couldn't she? I mean you can't legally sign a contract until you are 18.

With that been said, use this as an opportunity to leave on good terms and go have fun at college. I'm sorry to say it but it won't last. She will be in the navy surrounded by sex deprived men and you will be at college surrounded by hot coeds. One of you will move on.

blktour

The only way to get her to go at 17 is to have a Waiver from her parents, saying they will let her go.

BigBaldRon

Spent 13 years in the Navy myself. They do indeed have stop loss. However it is only for critically undermanned jobs.

Now, as far as her 2 year commitment goes, I doubt that to be the case. Last I heard (been out a few years) the minimum is still four years active with a four year reserve obligation.

Now, that being said, realize this as well. Of that first year, nearly all of it will be spent either in basic training, or in tech school. (if she's smart). During that time is when a LOT of screwing goes on. Especially tech school. Not saying your girl is a whore, but, take a fresh 18 year old, give her a job, a place to live, and throw her in an environment where there are a lot of fit, young and handsome guys, and her will is going to be tested. If she's at all good looking, she'll get harassed constantly and any achievements she earns, people will think she got them on her looks alone, or by fucking the right person. Not saying its right, but that's the perception of women in the Navy. They are either sluts, useless, or lesbians in the eyes of 80% of the people they work with.

As far as deploying goes, NORMALLY females are a little better off, since they cannot get onto as many ships as men. SO, they get sent to overseas places like Italy, Puerto Rico, Spain, Japan, etc for their "sea duty". So, be prepared to have her overseas or at the very least, in either Virginia, California, FLorida or Hawaii.

Any other info you need, shoot me a PM.

varrybarry

Yeah BigBaldRon is right. My younger sister just joined the Navy and she had to sign up for 4 years of active duty.

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yabobo

Hey, I hate to burst your bubble but listen to an old retired military man.
You have been dumped.
Get on with your life. If I'm wrong remember. It was only an opinion. Good luck.

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ladiesman24

if you guys are so close and ready to get married, then she should be able to tell you why she needs to enter the navy..you guys are really really young...so i wouldnt worry too much about it...plenty of fish in the sea. no pun intended...if you guys find each other again in the future when shes out...then talk about marriage

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