SecretMethod70

OK, so, I'm curious how in line with most other people my thinking is on this...

Onodrim and I began seeing one another December of my junior and her sophomore year of high school. My first year of college, I was about an hour away while she remained home and in HS. The past 4 years, we have been about 2.5 hours apart except in summer. At first we would see each other maybe once every two months...these past two years have seen an increase in the regularity of us seeing each other because she now has a car at school with her. This year, we probably saw each other, on average, once every 2 or 3 weeks. Anyway, the point really is that 5 of 6.5 years of our relationship have been spent apart and we're well beyond having that effect the quality of our relationship.

Onodrim is getting a Bachelor of Music degree as a vocalist. That means she will be auditioning for lots of shows while generally working some other relatively crappy job. At least initially. Right now, she has a job lined up working as a teller at the bank her dad is a VP at, located at the northwest edge of Chicago. It also means that she'll be finding a vocal coach to continue her training which could end up costing about $300 a month.

I'm getting a BA in Political Science and have...no idea what I'm going to do with it Basically, that means I'll just apply to everything I can...eventually I may decide to get teaching certification in secondary education or a master's or something, but not immediately. Both of us are going to private universities and, collectively, will probably have about $150k in student loans to pay off.

So, we're faced with a decision: we can start living together, or we can live at home with our parents for a year or two to save money. Now, I've already established that the living apart thing is not detrimental to our relationship. In fact, our parents live about 10 minutes from each other, so it would certainly be an improvement from 2.5 hours!

Living with my parents would not be a terrible experience. They're relatively easy to get along with. Ono's parents are a different story, but if it's anything like during our summer breaks she'd just spend most of her free time during the day and evening with me at my parent's house anyway Our parents live in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, about 45-90 minutes from the city (depending on traffic). This is something to be considered since ono would need to drive at least half an hour to work at the bank and also since most of her auditions will likely be in the city. Aside for the commute for onodrim, there's also the fact we'd just like to live in the city right now.

Now, because I have a lease with a roommate for an apartment right now that doesn't end until August 31, we couldn't look for an apartment in the city if we were going to do that until then. But as an example (and a place we would be interested in if there are openings when we start looking), there is this apartment we found on craigslist which is located in a pretty decent location too. It has a pretty livable floorplan and the amenities aren't bad either.

For the sake of argument, and because it's pointless to consider if the following isn't true, let's say that ono and I could afford to live there and pay our bills and loan payments and such, but little else. Remember, $400 a month, plus electricity, plus food, plus loan payments, plus health insurance, plus all those other things that are necessary and important adds up. We'd be living together and enjoying that, of course, but we would not have much money beyond what we need. Another thing to keep in mind is that if ono were to move in with me without us being married, her parents would be quite upset and would be *much* less likely to help out if we ever did run into a situation where we needed extra money, and my parents are taking care of my grandpa who has alzheimer's all by themselves among other things so they don't have money to throw around by any means.

The other option is to live at home with our parents for a year or two. They would provide rent-free shelter, food, internet, etc. With that $600/month or more that each of us saves by not having to pay rent, electricity, food, etc, we could possibly pay twice the amount for each loan payment, causing it to develop less interest and help us get debt free more quickly (neither of us even owns a credit card, let alone has credit card debt). We would also quite possibly have extra money which we could put into an IRA, something we may not have the luxury of doing if we were to live together. But, we would be spending another year, probably two, living apart, making it about 9 years that we'll have been together before we move in with one another. We would also be living in the suburbs, and while we don't have anything specifically against the suburbs, we'd prefer to live in the city right now.

So, I think I've covered everything...what would YOU do?

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maleficent

IF (and that's the big question there ) you would honestly save money by living with your parents, it makes more sense to live at home while you can. Moving out on your own is tough enough the first time, especially with facing the prospect of paying off student loans, you'd probably want to give yourself as much of a cushion as possible.

I know what I was like when I was graduating from college (and I was a lot more responsible then, than I am now), I wouldn't have saved the money, I would have spent it on other things...

LIfe is hard enough... spend the time getting adjusted and building some savings before tossing yourself into the real world. It's not like you don't know each other, or don't have a solid relationship... You've got the rest of your lives to live together - 12 - 18 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

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Baron Opal

I didn't like oving in with my parent when I graduated from college, but it gave me a safety net between finishing school and finding a real job. Given what you have said, if you get along with your parents and Onodrim can manage, living with your parents is the way to go. Saving up the money can be crucial for what you need later.

Cynthetiq

if you can tolerate it, save money. delayed gratification for the greater good of having a good sized nest egg.

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little_tippler

If you get on with your parents, and they don't mind, and onodrim also gets on with them, and her own, and vice versa, and it's not a big deal, save the money and live at home. Sometimes money being tight can cause strain on even the healthiest relationship. Also, if you wait a little before you move in together and save up, it'll all just make it more valuable and exciting when you finally do.

Also, and contrary to what many people will say nowadays, I think that moving in with your partner should be a lot more of an "important event", in terms of commitment to one another and taking on responsibilities, than it is at present. I think people move in with each other too quickly these days and don't take it as seriously as they should. Even if you don't think so, it's a big step and it's not like just having roommates - that would be totally the wrong attitude. I think that's a big part of why many relationships fail.

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We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
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ubertuber

If you can stand it, you ought to move in with the parents. However, save that $600 per month. If you both really saved it, collectively you'd have about $30,000 after 2 years. That's a drop in the student loan bucket - and those loans are probably the most favorable terms you're going to get for a while. Use that $30k as a down payment so that when you start paying for a place to live it'll be equity rather than lost rent. If in 2 years you guys were in an ownership situation, your finances could be significantly easier for decades.

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stevie667

I second that.

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maleficent

I think the spudster is dead on in his assessment...

I wouldn't be in a rush to pay off the student loans - instead save that money and put it towards building equity or savings... the interest on the student loans I don't think changes long term...

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Ustwo

Been there, done that, lived at home, worked out well.

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JustJess

Yeah... I'd say the home thing too. We both lived with our families the first year out of college. It was a little difficult, as we were a bit over an hour apart (on a good traffic day), but I was far more able to work out living expenses by the end of that year.

I would suggest a time limit on living at home, and Yes, SAVE the money! You'll have plenty of moving costs and having a cushion would be SO nice. I personally couldn't stomach it for more than a year, however. 2 years is pushing the limits of patience with family...

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Charlatan

Ubertuber said what I was going to say... save up for a sizeable downpayment on a condo or a house.

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rockogre

Two of my daughters left home, had money problems, moved home for a while, and got back out in the world. Save what you can if everyone can get along and maybe you can avoid having to move back in.

It seems a lot harder now for young folks just starting out to make enough to get by, used to be pretty easy back in the day.

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snowy

You're lucky that your parents live where you want to live! So take advantage of that. Move home. I wish I could, just to save the rent, but my folks are too far away to be considered an option (especially now that I've got a good job). You're fortunate that you can do that.

Furthermore, some student loan outfits will let you restructure your loan. Do it if means saving more money in the short term--by the time the bigger payments come around, hopefully you'll be further along in your career and making more money. This is what I'm doing, and it's a huge relief--the big payments won't start until the SO is done with school. It gives me a little more wiggle room on a monthly basis, and allows me to save more for other things.

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Jinn

Definitely go with the parents; I'd go with the "live together and be merry" solution were it not for the $150k that you mentioned. That's definitely something you should be saving towards, not throwing it away so you can live apart from the parents.

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amonkie

I saved up $3500 by moving back home in the last year and a half of my undergrad - I then used that money to move to NY.

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*Nikki*

I did the whole live with my SO other thing, and I recommend living with your parents until you can really afford to be on your own together. This will make your relationship so much easier not to mention you are only 10 minutes apart, which is fantastic!

You guys have waited this long, just wait a little longer

tangledweb

If you can stand it with the parents, do it. You will never have a better deal than that! It is much easier to deal with life and love when you don't have to factor in a lot of money troubles to go along with them.

I would also recommend throwing the parents a bone and dropping an occasional kindness on them to show them that you appreciate the opportunity. A gift certificate to a favorite restaurant or just doing something out of the ordinary for them can go a long way towards keeping a happy house. Good luck!

warrrreagl

Somehow, even though I knew she was a music major, I'd forgotten it. I got my first music degree in 1983, and I kept getting them for the next ten years (my PhD in Music Education came in 1993).

Living with parents is a very, very slippery slope. Strong psyches are built through tough times, and it's not always a good idea to take the path of least resistance. Although the parents offer an amount of security, the independence you'll have to trade away is too valuable at your stage in life.

I know a lot of people who lived with parents and they always vowed that they would remain independent (in between Mom doing the laundry and cooking and Dad mowing the lawn and fixing the wobbly dresser). It's hard to do.

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ratbastid

Look, lurkette graduated from college, got married, and moved across the country together, all in the space of a month. We sort of figured, if we were going to turn our whole lives upside down, we might as well get it over with.

It all worked out. There were some tough months, but in the end, we're better people (IMO) for having gone out on our own and made it work. Might not be for everyone.

Topper

If you know finances are going to be an issue, don't do it (live together in the city). Sounds like you've taken a summary look at what the real-world living expenses might be, but if you haven't already, sit down with Ono and start costing it out in detail spreadsheet style (common, it's the nerdy thing to do, you know you want to ). Rent, food, transit, clothes, etc (it’s a long list). Perhaps get input from another party that's already paying these types of living expenses for catching the numerous costs that you might miss. Put together a real-world budget with money coming in and money going out.

Moving out on your own is a great thing, but you don't want to drown yourselves in debt trying to do it. As it has been said already, moving in with your SO is going to be a new experience all unto itself (goes smoother for some then others, but it’s always a major adjustment). Compound that with the guaranteed stress you will have if you’re facing money problems and it could really be a negative experience.

Don't factor in money you hope might come from family to help get you by either if the numbers you put together are iffy, even if you were married. Don't know anything about her parents. But the minute you take money from them for basic living expenses, you lose real independence. You might as well be playing house. And knowing many parents like this, it could turn into a control mechanism. If things do get tough (some unforeseen emergency expense for example), don't run to the parents to bail you out. You should first start by making tough choices like cutting back entertainment expenses, cable, cutting coupons, etc. If you want to take the next step, do it for real. (i.e. ratbastid’s experience)

Is it worth waiting a year or so to make that next step in your life much smoother? (if its feasible at all right now) Ultimately that's something the two of you will have to weigh and decide.

Best wishes for both of you though and good luck! Having each other in your lives at all is what’s really important. These steps in life are just stages, sharing them when you are ready no matter how soon that is, is the best part.

abaya

This is inspiring, perhaps because I agree. I am not one to take the slow & steady route through anything... sometimes to my detriment. My dad taught me to swim by throwing me in a swimming pool and saying, "Swim!" Scared the shit out of me, but I started paddling... it's the only way to learn, sometimes.

I have had the most personal success in my life when I have been the farthest away from home and least dependent on my family. But that is the nature of my family dynamics, too. For me, being at home = way too many issues; then again, I am 6 years out of undergrad with no loans, so my material conditions are pretty different from yours. This makes a big difference in the options I'd be willing to consider at this point.

I think it really does depend on the individuals and the whole context. Do what YOU (and Ono) need to do, and see how it all turns out. I find the hardest part of life sometimes is just plain making a decision... living with the consequences is not usually so freaky!

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BigBen

I am of the opinion (and a 5:1 minority at the time of my voting) that you are to live together.

Saving money and getting things on track while living with the folks sounds like a rational idea, but shit man...

Children live with thier parents. Adults live on their own.

I would rather be broke and set my own rules than sacrifice my freedom and live with the folks.

Then again, please remember that I got the fuck out of the house and joined the army. That is the kind of relationship I had with my folks.

What would I do?
Have sex in every room of the apartment, 5 times a day.
Then I would drink beer.
Then I would eat red meat.
Then I would thank God that I was not living at my parent's house.

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ubertuber

Now there's a to-do list!

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kentucky_lady

part of being adult means making grown up decisions,,, its really your choice to make, you must weigh all the pros and cons, and decide for yourselves.

maleficent

(busybody mode)
i beleive he is doing that- his question was - what would you do if you were in his situation... He's not looking for someone to tell him what he should do... he's an intelligent guy, as is Onodrim... they are capable of making this decision on their own...(though some of us were kinda telling him what he should do_) S'Meth actually did phrase the question to find out what other people would do, if they were in the situation...... it's a good weight of getting different options...


(goes back to minding her own business

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Sweetpea

Well, Topper and I went through this decision process. We found ourselves in the same place that you and Ono are facing. We were both about 19 at the time, but the basic principles are the same, move out and gut out the financial stress or continue living at home and save up money.
Topper was just starting his career, it was going well, but he didn't have the stability he does today. I was still in college/working part time.
We wanted to get married and move in as soon as possible, we'd already been seeing each other for several years and felt we were ready for the next step. As Topper said... we Listed all the expenses, one by one. And let me tell you, even though we did that... there were STILL expenses that we didn't see coming that surprised us along the way.

We sought budget help from those around us, we fine combed said budget and when all was said and done, we knew that yes, we *might be able to squeak by, but we weren't quite sure and there was a possibility I would have to start working full time, in addition to my internship and college classes.
We thought long and hard about it, sat around one whole weekend and it's all we spoke about. We decided that if we did choose that, yes, we'd be living together and finally be able to get married... but we would hardly be able to see each other because we'd both be working so much and that's not the kind of stress you need in addition to adjusting to living together.

Long story short. We waited another year and a half before moving out. Continued working and saving, while each of us living at home. We still got to see each other frequently. And over that time, were able to save close to 15K which really got us out on the right foot.
When we finally were able to live together, we were glad we had waited, because we didn't have all that extra stress of working insane hours like we would have had we done it earlier. Then, we could just focus on how great it was to be together finally.

I think that Life is all about Timing.
Choose your timing carefully, weigh the options and listen to what you really want and everything will work out nicely.

Good luck to you both, glad you have found each other

sweetpea

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Glory's Sun

There's something positive to be said about both. Either way you two will be fine (duh you already said that)

I think you should move in together. Why? Because it's more fun and you don't have to hide sex toys.

MSD

I can't answer your question because I'm too busy resenting your existence due to the fact that you can get a 1br apartment where you don't need bulletproof pajamas for less than $1500/mo + utilities.

analog

You know how I voted. I just wanted my vote counted into the small number of others.

Hopeless romantics of the TFP, unite! lol

genuinegirly

Let me preface my response with a little something:

I am 20-something and living at home with my parents. I have lived on my own, and enjoyed it. But that was in one of the cheapest states in the US. Moving back to California, it has been impossible to find a job that will allow me to move away from home while making necessary bills. Things have drastically improved since I first moved back in with the folks, but I sam still MISERABLE with the situation.

Now, knowing my bias, here's my advice:

Live at home for 1 YEAR. No more. Do not draw it out. Have a set plan, goals, and personal savings accounts designated for the purpose of saving that $600/month. If that one year is over and BOTH of you are happy with staying at home another year, great.

Chances are, she is going to be unhappy living at home and will need a definite plan in place. She will need to know that living at home is part of the plan, and it IS NOT FOREVER.

be 140% certain that she is going to be happy living with her family. If 6 months pass and things are not liveable for either of you in the home environment, take what you have saved and move to the city.

Good luck with it!

With gas prices this high, living in the city in the cheapest place you can find might just be cheaper than driving in for work and auditions. Keep this in mind. Keep your eyes open for good deals.

It is no fun living at home after you have lived on your own. Still, 10 minutes away from one another is not a bad deal. It will allow you to spend more time with one another without becoming overwhelmed. As soon as possible, get her out of her parents' place. Allow her to feel like the adult she is.

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Cynthetiq

I forgot all about this book I found one day on a plane, Boomerang Nation : How to Survive Living with Your Parents...the Second Time Around It was an interesting read and gives some of the same advice that has been given here.

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