ASU2003

I'm sure everyone has some kind of expectation placed on their partner, but they might not be as demanding as the Wifely Expectations Pact. And I doubt if very many people actually write them down.

Maybe it's just that they won't sit on the couch all day and not do anything.
They will take showers and be clean and presentable.
Maybe it's that they will try to look cool and not make fun of you in public.
Or that they will be on your side and supportive in most situations.
That they won't hit you or be verbally abusive.
If you are going to a movie or some other activity that they will invite the other partner.
That you can touch them anyplace and expect them only to have sex with you (in monogamous relationships). You will have knowledge of other partners in alternative relationships.
That you expect to be taken out on dates?
That you will remember your anniversary, v-day, and birthdays and give gifts & go out somewhere.

Or do you have some expectations from that list?
That your partner will shave, sleep naked, have sex on a regular schedule?
That your partner will take care of setting the alarm each night.
That you will have (naked) pictures taken every 3 months.

Any other ones that I didn't think of?

(Off topic, but after reading that list again, why do I think he is some kind of lawyer? It was written like a legal contract.)

analog

Love me?

If you really got the love, everything else should fall into place by itself.

Destrox

I dont really expect much at all, just be the person that I fell in love with forever and always. The fewer expectations the easier it is.

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Charlatan

I expect her to love and respect me as I would love and respect her.

Everything else flows out of that. There is no need for lists or "expectations" once you have those two things in order.

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snowy

Pretty much. So much in any good relationship comes out of having love and respect for the other person.

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Toaster126

If this were true, then Ike and Tina Turner or Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson would be perfect couples.

To stay on topic: I expect honesty, love, and respect from my partners.

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tenchi069

I agree with Charlatan in I expect the same love and respect that I show her. Honesty, intimacy, support, etc, are things that just "happen" because of that love and respect.

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ObieX

I have 2 rules:

1. Be honest

2. Don't fucking cheat.

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ratbastid

Wow. Relationship Fallacy #1: Love Conquers All

Absolutely false. COMMUNICATION conquers all. Love without communication will never work. That's because different people express love differently. They also express other feelings differently.

Some good married-couple friends of our split up about a year ago. While they were separated, they tried couples therapy. She was unhappy because of things he would do. What she realized in therapy was this: if she did to him the things he was doing, it would be because she hated him. But he wasn't doing those things because he hated her; he was doing those things because he was oblivious! (He cheerfully agreed that this was the case.) With that issue resolved, they moved back in together, and have been very happy ever since. It was NEVER an issue of "if you've really got love". It was ENTIRELY a breakdown in communication.

Back to the topic: I expect my partner to communicate to the best of her ability, to be honest with herself and with me (given that we human beings frequently aren't honest with ourselves, that expectation is actually more like "strive to be increasingly honest with herself and me"), and to demand the same of me.

Glory's Sun

I agree with ratbastid

I expect honesty and telling me exactly how she feels.

none of this "nothing" when everything is wrong.

Thankfully we both communicate very well and I think that is what has brought us this far and will continue to take us where we want to go.

Ustwo

Woot!

Rasbastid saved me from being the negative Nelly!

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ratbastid

Heh! I do what I can.

Btw, Ustwo, I think it's hysterical that outside of politics, you and I see nearly 100% eye to eye.

Willravel

Nothing in the butt...other than that, I have no concerns. All of my expectations have not only been met, but shattered.

Dane Bramage

Take me for who I am, love me and respect me. As far as I'm concerned, the rest come from that... but above all that... I expect her to be happy. If she's not happy, then I'm not happy and then life will generally suck.

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ShaniFaye

We do the sleep naked (neither of us is allowed to sleep in clothes hehehehe) and the alarm setting thing (my job) lol

other than that, the only thing I "expect" out of Dave is respect and honesty

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analog

I think that the word "love" is tossed around too easily, and too much. Too often, it's used to describe even the most tenuous of emotional ties, just because one feels like they love the other person.

My definition of "love" is real love, not just any love- and real love includes, by default: communication, honesty, respect, constancy...

How can one use the word love, without fully defining the characteristics that govern it's use? I think that using the word love, without fully encompasing at the very least the items mentioned above, is the fallacy.

If I'm a hopeless romantic (which I know I am, but that has nothing to do with the word love in this thread), then in what weak ways do you define the word love, for it to be so shallow and listless a term? If true love doesn't include the very fundamental dedications I listed above... is that actually love? And if you think it is, why take a word whose meaning is so powerful that it already transcends any real definition, and water it down to mean almost any emotional connection?

Real love is not just any regular emotional connection. That's infatuation. Real love is perfect. It IS all you need.

Sweetpea

two things that i need in a relationship:

I expect absolute honesty and openess

and i expect Respect

oh and showering and shaving is good too, i'll take those as well

sweetpea

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Gilda

Expectations are different from rules.

There are all sorts of things we expect from others just on the basis of their having a certain status. Our most intimate relationships are naturally going to carry with them a certain amount expectations due to our knowing our mate more intimately than others. I expected Grace to send me flowers on Valentine's Day, not because I feel she's obligated to do that, but because that's how she does things on holidays. I expect it because it's part of what I've come to recognize as her typical behavior.

There are a myriad of these, each accompanied by a different degree of disappointment if they don't occur.

As for obligations, there are few other than to love, trust, and be honest with each other. All else follows on that.

Gilda

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highthief

Have the dishes done occasionally before I come home from working a 14 hour day.

Yes, married life is mundane, but there it is.

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moot1337

High five!

And Analog, you're not the only hopeless romantic here When I tell HedwigStrange that I love her, what I mean is that I'll be true and truthful to her, communicate as best I can, listen to her, respect her, occasionally (okay, more than occasionally) bite her, and a myriad of other things... and I wouldn't have it any other way... those basic principles are what I expect from her when she says she loves me. If love didn't encompass all that, it wouldn't have taken so long for our love to form, nor would it be so rich and meaningful.

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Oh, certainly, sir.

maleficent

Don't try to change me...

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Fly

i deal with her shit.........and she deals with mine.


after 18 years together......it still seems to be working.

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tecoyah

In my first marriage, I did indeed carry expectations for my wife. These were slowly wittled down as dissapointment forced me to abandon them in self preservation, this was a bitter lesson to learn and we both suffered because of them. I am also sure I failed to meet her expectations in ways as well, in fact one in particular ended the marriage (she expected me to convert to Christainity), though it was discussed and made clear before marriage this would not happen. This ties directly into the honesty in communications, as in hindsight it would seem Love was definately not enough to carry the relationship.
I now understand the detriment unrealistic expectations can be to a healthy relationship, after decades of painful education. I see expectations as something "I" place on someone else, and any dissapointment felt at a failure to meet these artificial perameters in my mind, are my own fault....not hers. Mind you, there are still things I can expect in our relationship, but by lowering these expectations to a realistic level, we are both far happier with each other and can actually discuss the realities of being there for each other...rather than who sets the damn alarm clock.

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Jinn

I think having tons of expectations is just as dangerous to a relationship as thinking "love alone" will keep it together. I think for most who answered "love me and the rest will follow," you may be ignoring the implicit expectations that ARE there.

Point in fact: You can love someone and still fuck other people. Love is a VERY broad word. I love many people, but they don't meet my expectations for being in a relationship.

So, if your spouse loved you and started fucking other people, would they still be meeting your expectations? Granted this COULD be okay in a polygamous situation, but that's where the actual expectations come in, the very ones that the OP was addressing. Your expecations likely include that your lover will remain faithful to you, and you alone. If they wish to pursue other things, you expect that they will let you know. "Loving" me is actually not one of my expecations of my lover. If you hadn't had this discussion with your lover, it's very likely that your expecations of what "LOVE" means are very different. When I say love, I mean:

My lover will be interested in me, my life, and my goals; and will be interested in helping me achieve them.
My lover will be concerned with her own health and wellbeing, and will not act to endanger herself or our relationship without due consideration.
My lover will support the relationship, financially and otherwise.
My lover will not attack or offend me purposefully. They will respect me physically, emotionally, and mentally.
My lover will communicate desires and feelings regularly, HONESTLY, and without resevation.

This, however, isn't a contract. I don't require anyone to abide by them, but I use them (mentally) for verifying that it is correct and logical to maintain a relationship with someone. And likewise, I try to meet these criterion as someone's lover.. my assumption is that our expecations are similar.

I think its important to have this list, because comparing this list beteween partners tells you a lot about what each person expects. If your list is 10 things long and your lovers' list is 30, you should realize that she requires you to do much more in order to stay happy. If that's okay, then work toward those 30 things. If that's not okay, you either need to re-evaluate staying around to make her happy, or she needs to realize that it's unrealistic to expect someone to work that hard to keep her happy. If your lists are identical, then you know that a relationship where you do unto her as you'd have her do unto you will work. That, to me, is a good relationship -- one in which your expecations are identical, or nearly identical. And most importantly, one in which the partners have DISCUSSED their expectations.

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Jinn

In concept, I agree with you. Far too many people throw love around without defining what it means. You seem to want to redefine "love" to mean the things you (or I) listed, but I don't think that's effective. You can't have a seperate dictionary definition for each person's expecations and call that love.

Unless you have this discussion with everyone who uses the word "love," its unlikely people who use it will ever stop to analyze what they expect it to mean. One word is FAR too brief to describe something so demanding and dynamic as a relationship. It needs to be much more clearly seperated, and relationship partners MUST know the expecations, explicitly. By saying "What are your expecations?" much more dialogue occurs than saying "Will you always love me?"

The very fact that your definition of love differs from mine, or hers, or theirs, stresses this point. Saying "I love you" means 100 different things to 100 different people. Expecations, however, are clear.

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noodle

Respect me. Even if I'm being a pain in the ass. Comfort me if I need it, every once in awhile. Try not to mock me all of the time. Accept my boundaries and that they may change from time to time. You can grope me just about anywhere but the dinner table with my parents, silly. Allow me to be myself. Allow me to love you, if I so choose. Allow me to comfort you, if you need it. Talk to me, not at me. Take time for yourself away from me--I need it and so do you. Join me in the bathtub just once?

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