Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Do you have any 'expectations' of your partner?

Jinn · 03-03-2006, 09:41 AM

I think having tons of expectations is just as dangerous to a relationship as thinking "love alone" will keep it together. I think for most who answered "love me and the rest will follow," you may be ignoring the implicit expectations that ARE there.

Point in fact: You can love someone and still fuck other people. Love is a VERY broad word. I love many people, but they don't meet my expectations for being in a relationship.

So, if your spouse loved you and started fucking other people, would they still be meeting your expectations? Granted this COULD be okay in a polygamous situation, but that's where the actual expectations come in, the very ones that the OP was addressing. Your expecations likely include that your lover will remain faithful to you, and you alone. If they wish to pursue other things, you expect that they will let you know. "Loving" me is actually not one of my expecations of my lover. If you hadn't had this discussion with your lover, it's very likely that your expecations of what "LOVE" means are very different. When I say love, I mean:

My lover will be interested in me, my life, and my goals; and will be interested in helping me achieve them.
My lover will be concerned with her own health and wellbeing, and will not act to endanger herself or our relationship without due consideration.
My lover will support the relationship, financially and otherwise.
My lover will not attack or offend me purposefully. They will respect me physically, emotionally, and mentally.
My lover will communicate desires and feelings regularly, HONESTLY, and without resevation.

This, however, isn't a contract. I don't require anyone to abide by them, but I use them (mentally) for verifying that it is correct and logical to maintain a relationship with someone. And likewise, I try to meet these criterion as someone's lover.. my assumption is that our expecations are similar.

I think its important to have this list, because comparing this list beteween partners tells you a lot about what each person expects. If your list is 10 things long and your lovers' list is 30, you should realize that she requires you to do much more in order to stay happy. If that's okay, then work toward those 30 things. If that's not okay, you either need to re-evaluate staying around to make her happy, or she needs to realize that it's unrealistic to expect someone to work that hard to keep her happy. If your lists are identical, then you know that a relationship where you do unto her as you'd have her do unto you will work. That, to me, is a good relationship -- one in which your expecations are identical, or nearly identical. And most importantly, one in which the partners have DISCUSSED their expectations.

03-03-2006, 09:41 AM	#24 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	I think having tons of expectations is just as dangerous to a relationship as thinking "love alone" will keep it together. I think for most who answered "love me and the rest will follow," you may be ignoring the implicit expectations that ARE there. Point in fact: You can love someone and still fuck other people. Love is a VERY broad word. I love many people, but they don't meet my expectations for being in a relationship. So, if your spouse loved you and started fucking other people, would they still be meeting your expectations? Granted this COULD be okay in a polygamous situation, but that's where the actual expectations come in, the very ones that the OP was addressing. Your expecations likely include that your lover will remain faithful to you, and you alone. If they wish to pursue other things, you expect that they will let you know. "Loving" me is actually not one of my expecations of my lover. If you hadn't had this discussion with your lover, it's very likely that your expecations of what "LOVE" means are very different. When I say love, I mean: My lover will be interested in me, my life, and my goals; and will be interested in helping me achieve them. My lover will be concerned with her own health and wellbeing, and will not act to endanger herself or our relationship without due consideration. My lover will support the relationship, financially and otherwise. My lover will not attack or offend me purposefully. They will respect me physically, emotionally, and mentally. My lover will communicate desires and feelings regularly, HONESTLY, and without resevation. This, however, isn't a contract. I don't require anyone to abide by them, but I use them (mentally) for verifying that it is correct and logical to maintain a relationship with someone. And likewise, I try to meet these criterion as someone's lover.. my assumption is that our expecations are similar. I think its important to have this list, because comparing this list beteween partners tells you a lot about what each person expects. If your list is 10 things long and your lovers' list is 30, you should realize that she requires you to do much more in order to stay happy. If that's okay, then work toward those 30 things. If that's not okay, you either need to re-evaluate staying around to make her happy, or she needs to realize that it's unrealistic to expect someone to work that hard to keep her happy. If your lists are identical, then you know that a relationship where you do unto her as you'd have her do unto you will work. That, to me, is a good relationship -- one in which your expecations are identical, or nearly identical. And most importantly, one in which the partners have DISCUSSED their expectations. __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel Last edited by Jinn; 03-03-2006 at 09:46 AM..