Key

i apologize in advance for the length of this post .. if i had a journal or a blog i would have put it there. it's more of a rant i suppose, and the questions i ask are directed to no one in particular, just questions i ask myself over and over.

- the story

I've been going out with a girl for almost a year. "going out" being relative, she lives in another city and we don't get nearly as much face time as either of us desire. well, past-tense i suppose, _didn't_ get as much face time, _desired_.

i really did care for her, thought i was doing good and she was happy. cheered her up whenever she was down, always managed to make her smile and laugh, we were one of those goofy couples that shared laughs over the stupidest things. shared private moments, talked a lot about the future, trade cute little txt messages while she was in class, talked every night about the day and how things went. i'd send her random gifts to show that i was listening/thinking about her. she'd mention some obscure video from her childhood in one of our conversations, and how she really loved it but wasn't even sure what it was called. i tracked down a copy of it from a private seller online and sent it to her. lots of little things like this that were always especially meaningful to her. she seemed to reciprocate- she'd whine cutely if i didn't kiss her enough, or find time to talk to her over a weekend. so i really felt she geniunely cared for me.

she always vented about her ex, who was seriously stalking her (her words, not mine). she despised him, talked about what a horrible relationship had been, he'd always come back to try and get back together with her. her parents conversed with him frequently as they really liked him, she couldn't stand how they supported him more than her. at one point there was a confrontation that turned physical, he grabbed her and restrained her, she fought back, kicked him out of the house, _again_, just another one of many. he's tried to hit her before.

the one complaint she seemed to have with me was i was non-commital. by that i mean i simply never used the "boyfriend/girlfriend" title. she knew the only reason was i'd been burned badly before, we talked about it and she seemed to understand, though i knew she was hurt by it and it would have made her feel better if i'd taken the official title. for some reason, i just couldn't- personal reasons from the past, but that didn't stop me from acting like one. "what's in a name? is a rose still a rose if called by any other?" i always thought the rose would still be a rose, perhaps she didn't. aside from using the title though, we were for all intents and purposes, a monogamous couple. it was understood the other party would be especially hurt if we went out with someone else. she'd joke about being wooed away by another, and i'd feel guilty just going out with an old girl (space) friend i knew a while ago without telling her. "jealous?" was the playful response she'd say when she went out with one of her guy friends, which i never had a problem with.

fast forward to now. we had a fight, one i hardly felt was justification for an end-of-the-relationship fight, but it turned out to be one nonetheless. it escalated, and she said she hated me, that i was always walking over her and she was tired of it. she revealed she had gotten back with her ex weeks ago, that he had swept her off her feet. she expressed complete disdain for me, said my sorrow fueled her happiness. it felt like such a wicked stab in the back i honestly thought i'd wake up any minute- none of it mad any sense and this *had* to be some horrible dream. like the one where you're in bed and suddenly you face a crazed knife wielding murderer over you- "this can't be happening" you say to yourself and wake up.

my last relationship ended with her declaring she did not love me anymore (despite hearing the contrary the length of the relationship), that she hadn't for some time.

both times i never saw it coming- i would think something was wrong and confront them about it. they both adamently denied anything was wrong, and that "we were good". i'd be confused, and would even push it further. "no, really, are you sure nothing's wrong?" they'd hold a straight face and look at me confused, assure me again nothing was wrong, and ask if i was ok. i'd feel i was being paranoid and stupid, and believed them. two days later my head's spinning- i have no idea what just hit me.

i've always found it difficult to trust anyone- i always relied on myself. last time i fully trusted someone with my heart, i got hurt. when i finally manage to dismiss it, and start to feel i can trust someone with it again, i get burned even worse.

the first time i felt it was unfair- if there were issues brewing, why did she not discuss it immediately? the second time, it happened again. she didn't tell me she was starting to feel for her ex again, she never told me there were signs we were in trouble. even when i solicited the information.

and even then- it's not like she was swept off her feet by a new stranger- this was someone she had regarded with utter contempt the entire time i knew her. how could i have screwed up so badly that not only did she run away, but to someone she had so geniunely hated, AND compound that with the fact i didn't see it coming at all. just recently we were on the phone and she said "oh.. there goes my ex again" referring to him walking to class while she was on campus, in a tone of again, what i thought was true contempt.

apparently i was wrong- the way she spoke to me when she told me how much she despised me, THAT was true contempt. i honestly couldn't think of a thing i'd done that made her so truly hateful. when i asked her what she was referring to, she didn't answer- she had already "run off with her white knight" . to compound it further- she forwarded all our correspondence to him AND her best friend, as to make a public display. i couldn't believe how immature it was, but that did not bother me nearly as much as the content of what she had told me.

i now find myself in a state of total disillusionment. i feel like i'll never be able to truly trust someone again. my friends have told me the only crime i'm guilty of is being a horrible judge of character, but i'm inclined to believe *I* am screwing up somewhere if it always seems to end this way. i always thought love was enough- and if it wasn't, at least it'd garner enough motivation for a disdained party to discuss what other problems there were in an attempt to work things out.

- the questions

was i really cheated on if i never donned the "boyfriend" title- even though we were together? i *feel* like i've been cheated on, but perhaps i don't have the justification to feel this way. though it seems obvious she lied to me toward the end of the relationship.

is it possible to get over being so jaded? i don't want to live the rest of my life never being able to trust someone .. but it seems no matter how much reassurance i have- i can wake up at ANY given moment and find my whole life in shambles, with what was just yesterday, my soul mate, today galloping off with another.

was i at fault? i've been following the "can you be driven to cheating" thread carefully, and while i do believe it came down to her making a choice, i cannot help but feel i could have prevented it by obliging to her wish to take the boyfriend title. i could've done something .. but didn't. my only consolation is that even if i had- there would have been that darkness, that capability for her to hurt me so greatly, laying underneath.

while i know many posters are antsy, just-want-to-throw-my-2-cents-in, cant-be-bothered-to-even-read-the-complete-thread-before-answering type, and will have been turned off by the simple length of this post .. it was very therapeutic for me to put it all out there regardless of how many read it. thank you

hrandani

To answer your question, yeah you were cheated on.

Regardless of whether or not it was official, it's just courtesy to tell someone you're with that you've chosen to be with another person instead. So by hiding it from you on purpose then whipping it out to hurt you with later, clearly distinguishes it from a casual deal.

That really is cold of her, and I hope she gets burned for that kind of bullshit. Based on what you have said, it appears as though she will.

Good thing you're better off without her, eh?

ShaniFaye

to me....any woman that choses to be with a man thats laid his hands on her doesnt deserve to have anyone better. Yes it sounds like she cheated, you will KNOW when you've met the person you can trust...there wont be any need to question it, when its the right one....its the right one.

let her live with the garbage she's picked up....you just play the garbage man and keep her at the curb

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Ustwo

Amen to that, neither of us can even contemplate cheating on each other.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Seeker

Here is your answer, where you are at and where she was/is at.

This holds the key for your questions.
If you were to have given in to the title, would you have been honouring yourself? I am thinking not, that is why you didn't.

The underlying nature here being "if she has so much weight on a word how invested in the reality is she"... given that our actions speak more truth over the words we use.

As ShaniFaye has said, you will know when you have met the person you can trust because they will hold the same values and honours you seem to be striving to find in your life. Stay strong...

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

genuinegirly

Wow. That sucks.

Not every girl is horrible like this. I think. Though I've done nearly exactly the same thing to someone. S was my soulmate, still call him "myself". But the distance killed me. I was going to school, over-stressed. I misunderstood, thought he didn't want me moving to the same town. I broke up with him, but still told him I loved him. Just needed some time to do school and get my life in order. He thought since I still told him I loved him, we were still together. Valentine's day last year I got back together with a good guy friend that I had been kind of seeing before. Broke S's heart. He became a drunken fool, completely incapable of trusting anything I said. Tried to patch things up a few times, save the friendship. He had unreasonable demands that I couldn't meet. Anyway... it ended poorly. We're both pretty messed up over it. And I'm seeing the guy I cheated on S with still. Can't seem to shake the guy, and he's a good one. Don't particularly want to shake him. But there's always that voice in the back of my mind, what about your soulmate? What about S? Tried ditching the current guy over the summer, started seeing S again. It was a disturbing mess. S ended up raping me. He wanted us back together so badly. I know I drove him to that level of insanity, or whatever you want to call it. I know it's all my fault, but I have no idea how to fix things. In the meantime, I'm trying to develop some sort of normal life with school and friends. Spend a lot of time with the current guy, though I often hesitate to call him my boyfriend. He proposed on my birthday. The ring and everything. I handed it back to him and told him to ask again in 2 years. There's no way I can make this kind of a decision now. What are these men trying to do, I'm absorbed in hard-core Chemistry courses, applying to UC schools. I was with the current guy to avoid the commitment that S tried to dig out of me. Such a mess. Trying to find some sort of normalcy.
I guess I don't have any good advice to give. Just realize this guy is probably manipulating her, and with her family's full support of him chances are things aren't going to change anytime soon. You will find someone eventually that won't do this to you. Sounds like you need to start dating people that aren't a distance away. Someone nearby that you can see and enjoy seeing everyday. Someone you can spoil that you don't need to worry about keeping your eye on. Dunno. Don't know how to get over the heartbreak. S seems to be doing better these days, but I don't know for certain since he doesn't often speak to me, just when he is able. Wish I had some sort of good advice to share.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Impetuous1

Yeah, Key, I've got to agree witht the previous posters. She did cheat on you. Although you may not have been using the boyfriend/girlfriend titles, the fact is that you both understood the relationship to be monogamous and she started seeing her old boyfriend while still in the relationship with you. I'm sorry this happened to you. It always hurts to have your heart torn in two when you didn't do anything to deserve it. Hopefully though, it'll get easier as the days go by. I think that you're probably better off without her if she's into playing games. I do think it's possible to get over being jaded but I don't know how easy it is to learn to trust again. To be repetitive, you probably just need to find the right person.

Mantus

She freaked out on your to give herself a "justification" for their breach of social contract.

I don't really understand why she leaked your corespondence with her out to the public. Is that an attempt to embaras you or something?

In your future relationships: always and I mean ALWAYS judge people by what they do rather then what they say. In adition take time for regular evalution of your feelings and thoughts on the person you are with. This keeps the relationship healthy and wards off distortion of reality. The most common example of distortion is when one projects their concept of a perfect lover onto the person they are with. Thus seeing only what they wan't to see. This actually applies to all realationships, friends, co-workers or loved ones.

If you failed to "commit" with this girl, I think that it was your subconcious telling you that something is wrong.

Hope you feel better. Drink to forget as they say

-Ever-

I don't have a ton to say except that I'm going through something somewhat similar and maybe it will make you feel a little more..enlightened.. to know that you aren't the only one, seriously.

Moving along, ShaniFaye is right (isn't she always? ) You seem to have been very kind and supportive and if she wants to choose trash, let her. And *don't* get into the role of trying to fix/help her either as many kind people like yourself might tempted to be. I'd say the damage has been done and you shouldn't turn back.

Also, in regards to you feeling like you can't trust anyone right now and being worried about your future. As I said above I'm going through something very similar right now. I've been asking the same question and my main reassurance is that it's experiences like these that truely do make us stronger in that we'll be less inclined to date people capable of this trust gaining and breaking because we'll hopefully be more aware of it. I've got a friend who is so on top of his life right now, largely due to an experience I saw him go through when a girlfriend cheated on him. Of how ugly a situation it was, it remains bitter sweet as it truely has made him a stronger person and I see him virtually shine from the experience now as he's well past it and gaming kind, beautiful women out of his 24 year old mind

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Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--

Key

thank you so much for your response and support everyone. you have no idea how much it means to me in a time of such confusion and emotional turmoil. i'm so grateful there's such a supportive community i can bring this to.

i generally hate to bring such angst to the public light, as i know there are horror stories worst than mine and sometimes it simply feels like i'm crying over spilt milk when someone is truly going through a nightmare.

hrandani, that last line hit a note. i mean, it's weird. i tell myself the same thing and know it's true .. but it doesn't seem to help much. cliche eh? what the mind knows and the heart feels are very different ..

genuinegirly, you have my deepest sympathies and i really appreciate you sharing- regardless of advice or not i'm glad you were able to share your story.

shanifaye, thank you, i hear myself saying those words but it does so much good to hear it from another person.

Mantus - She freaked out on your to give herself a "justification" for their breach of social contract.

That's probably true. She has a much too high opinion of herself to admit she'd do something wrong, it's infinitely easier for her to blame someone else.

I don't really understand why she leaked your corespondence with her out to the public. Is that an attempt to embaras you or something?

public embarassment is probably the case, since she opened it up to her girl friend as well. having her now-bf play blocker was another reason i thought. she won't speak to me directly - her "white knight" speaks for her. i can't believe after all we shared suddenly she wouldn't even come to me directly about it, she has to hide behind her wall of peers.

always and I mean ALWAYS judge people by what they do rather then what they say

it's funny you mentioned this. i always believed this myself, i hated SAYING i cared about her- i would always rather demonstrate it. which i truly believe i did. it always seemed so hollow if i said something without support. saying "thank you" never seemed to mean much, but a quick kiss to follow demonstrated in my mind, that i did appreciate it. i guess she took my lack of words to mean i wasn't geniune.

there's nothing stronger i can offer than my word .. if i say something i uphold it to the very end. i guess it's been my mistake in thinking that others are the same way. you're right though, i should stop listening and start watching more. only i'm so horrible at reading people i just hope i don't mess that up either. it'd probably hurt less than being told one thing and having the opposite be the truth though. sucks to be deceived.

Ever - And *don't* get into the role of trying to fix/help her either as many kind people like yourself might tempted to be.

it's so funny you mention that, i could totally see myself being such a sucker and trying if she asked. your story of your friend does give some hope though. it does feel like blind faith now, though, as i've no support and i just *hope* that's true, that i will grow because of this.


it bugged me how she rambled off all these things that made her hate me so much in her last message to me, but she had NEVER brought up with me before. it sounds like she's just trying to justify her actions, but i couldn't believe some of the claims. she stated it so ferverently that i wonder sometimes if she had grounds for such accusations. stuff like her having to drive me around when i visited (from/to airport, around town if we went out, etc. ) since i obviously didn't have a car, her paying for certain meals. even paying for her own hotel when she came to visit me.

if they were such huge issues, i would think she'd have talked to me about it before. it's not like i would have had a problem renting a car if she was so fluttered about a lack of transportation. i must have paid for our first several meals, never asking her to pay. she pays for one meal and apparently broods about it silently for months. we had an extra guest room i offered her, but she refused decided to get a hotel across the street from my house. am i responsible for aspect of our hanging out, just to prove i'm "the man"? i paid for almost all our meals together, it's not my fault for visiting her city and not having a car- though again i could have even taken care of this myself if i'd known it was an issue. i paid for my own travel and lodging costs when i was there, and tried adamently to save her money whenever she came up here. it bugs me to think of what she said though. "thanks for allowing me to be the man and paying for everything- pizza, planet tickets, hotel rooms, etc." was this just a shallow attempt at calling me a pussy or what?

i know it shouldn't bug me so much, but maybe it's just my personality type. i've always been well liked, and if i ever had a character problem it would be "you're way too nice" as everyone says. i'm just not used to being so absolutely bitched out i guess, or anyone expressing such hate that i can't but help but think i must have done SOMETHING to provoke it.. i just can't believe i tried so hard only to fail so miserably.

ShaniFaye

you're not the one that failed, she is

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Mantus

Key,

If you are trying to find clues for self improvement in her hatemail - don't bother. People don't see straight when they are emotional.

Be cool about this situation. Don't fight back or anything like that. It only lowers your status among the other girls who'll get wind of it and they are the ones that count now

You own her NOTHING. She disrespected you, she will do it again. She clearly doesn't even respect herself because she wen't back to an abusive boyfriend. You are not the worlds lifeguard, you have your own future to wory about.

Sever all ties with this girl. I mean it.

Those are habits and structures that you mind put in to support your reality.

You loved this girl. Love is a major idea for all of us. We can't just dismiss it. I won't ask you too. Instead, next time you are reminded of your feelings for this girl, examine them.

Remember the girl you fell in love with. Note all the things she DID that made you love her. Compare her to the girl you know now. Note that there is a chord connecting the past and the pressent. The feelings of the past are still superimposed onto the person in the pressent. Snap that chord in your mind and see only as her present self. Does this person still possess the qualities you love?

It's okay to love the past but it is important to see the present clearly. That's why you gota break all contact with her for atleast two months, if not forever.



Concerning your lack of using words. I totally agree with the way you see things. However, we should not impose our ideals onto others. If words are important to others then you should comunicate with them using thier medium. Otherwise you have get dissonance in the relationship.

I hope that helps a bit.

Cheers!