Key

i apologize in advance for the length of this post .. if i had a journal or a blog i would have put it there. it's more of a rant i suppose, and the questions i ask are directed to no one in particular, just questions i ask myself over and over.

- the story

I've been going out with a girl for almost a year. "going out" being relative, she lives in another city and we don't get nearly as much face time as either of us desire. well, past-tense i suppose, _didn't_ get as much face time, _desired_.

i really did care for her, thought i was doing good and she was happy. cheered her up whenever she was down, always managed to make her smile and laugh, we were one of those goofy couples that shared laughs over the stupidest things. shared private moments, talked a lot about the future, trade cute little txt messages while she was in class, talked every night about the day and how things went. i'd send her random gifts to show that i was listening/thinking about her. she'd mention some obscure video from her childhood in one of our conversations, and how she really loved it but wasn't even sure what it was called. i tracked down a copy of it from a private seller online and sent it to her. lots of little things like this that were always especially meaningful to her. she seemed to reciprocate- she'd whine cutely if i didn't kiss her enough, or find time to talk to her over a weekend. so i really felt she geniunely cared for me.

she always vented about her ex, who was seriously stalking her (her words, not mine). she despised him, talked about what a horrible relationship had been, he'd always come back to try and get back together with her. her parents conversed with him frequently as they really liked him, she couldn't stand how they supported him more than her. at one point there was a confrontation that turned physical, he grabbed her and restrained her, she fought back, kicked him out of the house, _again_, just another one of many. he's tried to hit her before.

the one complaint she seemed to have with me was i was non-commital. by that i mean i simply never used the "boyfriend/girlfriend" title. she knew the only reason was i'd been burned badly before, we talked about it and she seemed to understand, though i knew she was hurt by it and it would have made her feel better if i'd taken the official title. for some reason, i just couldn't- personal reasons from the past, but that didn't stop me from acting like one. "what's in a name? is a rose still a rose if called by any other?" i always thought the rose would still be a rose, perhaps she didn't. aside from using the title though, we were for all intents and purposes, a monogamous couple. it was understood the other party would be especially hurt if we went out with someone else. she'd joke about being wooed away by another, and i'd feel guilty just going out with an old girl (space) friend i knew a while ago without telling her. "jealous?" was the playful response she'd say when she went out with one of her guy friends, which i never had a problem with.

fast forward to now. we had a fight, one i hardly felt was justification for an end-of-the-relationship fight, but it turned out to be one nonetheless. it escalated, and she said she hated me, that i was always walking over her and she was tired of it. she revealed she had gotten back with her ex weeks ago, that he had swept her off her feet. she expressed complete disdain for me, said my sorrow fueled her happiness. it felt like such a wicked stab in the back i honestly thought i'd wake up any minute- none of it mad any sense and this *had* to be some horrible dream. like the one where you're in bed and suddenly you face a crazed knife wielding murderer over you- "this can't be happening" you say to yourself and wake up.

my last relationship ended with her declaring she did not love me anymore (despite hearing the contrary the length of the relationship), that she hadn't for some time.

both times i never saw it coming- i would think something was wrong and confront them about it. they both adamently denied anything was wrong, and that "we were good". i'd be confused, and would even push it further. "no, really, are you sure nothing's wrong?" they'd hold a straight face and look at me confused, assure me again nothing was wrong, and ask if i was ok. i'd feel i was being paranoid and stupid, and believed them. two days later my head's spinning- i have no idea what just hit me.

i've always found it difficult to trust anyone- i always relied on myself. last time i fully trusted someone with my heart, i got hurt. when i finally manage to dismiss it, and start to feel i can trust someone with it again, i get burned even worse.

the first time i felt it was unfair- if there were issues brewing, why did she not discuss it immediately? the second time, it happened again. she didn't tell me she was starting to feel for her ex again, she never told me there were signs we were in trouble. even when i solicited the information.

and even then- it's not like she was swept off her feet by a new stranger- this was someone she had regarded with utter contempt the entire time i knew her. how could i have screwed up so badly that not only did she run away, but to someone she had so geniunely hated, AND compound that with the fact i didn't see it coming at all. just recently we were on the phone and she said "oh.. there goes my ex again" referring to him walking to class while she was on campus, in a tone of again, what i thought was true contempt.

apparently i was wrong- the way she spoke to me when she told me how much she despised me, THAT was true contempt. i honestly couldn't think of a thing i'd done that made her so truly hateful. when i asked her what she was referring to, she didn't answer- she had already "run off with her white knight" . to compound it further- she forwarded all our correspondence to him AND her best friend, as to make a public display. i couldn't believe how immature it was, but that did not bother me nearly as much as the content of what she had told me.

i now find myself in a state of total disillusionment. i feel like i'll never be able to truly trust someone again. my friends have told me the only crime i'm guilty of is being a horrible judge of character, but i'm inclined to believe *I* am screwing up somewhere if it always seems to end this way. i always thought love was enough- and if it wasn't, at least it'd garner enough motivation for a disdained party to discuss what other problems there were in an attempt to work things out.

- the questions

was i really cheated on if i never donned the "boyfriend" title- even though we were together? i *feel* like i've been cheated on, but perhaps i don't have the justification to feel this way. though it seems obvious she lied to me toward the end of the relationship.

is it possible to get over being so jaded? i don't want to live the rest of my life never being able to trust someone .. but it seems no matter how much reassurance i have- i can wake up at ANY given moment and find my whole life in shambles, with what was just yesterday, my soul mate, today galloping off with another.

was i at fault? i've been following the "can you be driven to cheating" thread carefully, and while i do believe it came down to her making a choice, i cannot help but feel i could have prevented it by obliging to her wish to take the boyfriend title. i could've done something .. but didn't. my only consolation is that even if i had- there would have been that darkness, that capability for her to hurt me so greatly, laying underneath.

while i know many posters are antsy, just-want-to-throw-my-2-cents-in, cant-be-bothered-to-even-read-the-complete-thread-before-answering type, and will have been turned off by the simple length of this post .. it was very therapeutic for me to put it all out there regardless of how many read it. thank you