Dating one's best friend... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

shazbotus · 08-03-2005, 07:49 PM

Ok, here's the deal. I really like a girl and feel that we get along great with each other. We both care for each other, too. I'd very much like to get closer to her, and we've been good, close friends for two years now. My dilemma is that I don't know if it would be too akward to discuss this with her. She mentions many of her (drunken, sometimes) hookups with other guys to me, but she is never really satisfied. She continues to do it because it's thrilling, and she recently felt like she had met "the one." Obviously, a hookup is not where you should start a relationship, but she was really trying to start something with this guy. Of course, he didnt want any of that relationship stuff. So...it seems like she wants a relationship, but with her desire for hookups, I don't know for sure. I want to go further with her, but I dont want it to be awkward. Help me, please (other women, especially)

rival · 08-03-2005, 08:13 PM

I wouldn't try it. Relationships come and go but good friends can last a lifetime. If you make a play for her and she turns you down, your friendship will get messy. If she does agree to go out with you and the relationship doesn't work out, your friendship will be gone.

The drinking and one night stand business is bad news too. If she's doing that, she's not ready for what you're going to offer her.

wolf · 08-03-2005, 08:19 PM

Ok, well I think my first question would be how old are you and what type of a relationship are you looking for. The reason I ask is because I was a sophmore in college and I was in the same situation. I had met a girl and really befriended her. She would call me and we would talk about my relationships and her relationships. Mostly about hers. We would see eachother as often as we could. Eventually I got the courage to ask her out. We're married now and it is great, we talk about everything and we have a lot in common.

If you aren't ready for a really serious relationship, or if she isn't ready then wait until you are. Cause if you do this it may be "the one" that you stated earlier, if you try it too soon then you could ruin it. Wait too long and you may be out of luck. Two years sounds about right. Another question: when you talk to her about relationships, does she get a bit of a jealous or envious tone? If so then she is definitely ready for the next step.

cyrnel · 08-03-2005, 08:33 PM

Aw, man. Those can be great and terrible. Losing a best friend because the dynamics didn't play as an SO is really a shame. Not to say all relationships that go this way die completely, but it's hazardous. Ideally you're SO _is_ your best friend, but so many other things come into play. As Monk would say, "It's a blessing... and a curse."

Jimellow · 08-03-2005, 08:58 PM

I think you should ask yourself if you are prepared to lose this girl as a friend if the serious relationship doesn't work out. All relationships don't end well, and there is no guarantee that you will be able to remain friends with this girl after taking it to the next level.

Also, I would make sure you really want to risk it. By that I mean, are you sure you want to seriously date this girl? As close friends, people generally find out a lot about one another, and that provides an opportunity to find things that are attractive, but also things that are a turn off.

Being close friends with someone allows you to get a more complete view of what you are potentially getting into if you opt for a relationship, and I think you should take advantage of that ability. I've noticed that my own desires in a long term relationship are greatly influenced by close female friends I have; both good and bad.

I tend to be against turning friendships into serious relationships, because I think close friendships become "boring" in the sense that we know each other too well already, and are content being friends. I also don't consider it worth the risk of losing a close friend, unless I am almost certain that the person is the type I want to spend the rest of my life with.

In a sense, you are getting a head start by seriously dating a close friend, but you are also potentially risking being friends at all if things don't work out.

I would just ask yourself how it would be different if you were dating seriously, and if realistically, you consider it to be worth it. It's a decision you have to make, because you are the one experiencing the feelings you are. If you try it and fail, you might kick yourself, but at least you won't have regrets or doubts about what could have transpired the rest of your life.

clavus · 08-03-2005, 09:55 PM

There is a 97.3% chance that she is one of those girls that crushes the hearts of her nice-guy male friends.

However, I hooked up with my friend. Then broke it off, but stayed friends through several of her boyfriends (and a few girls of my own), made it clear that I wanted her, got rejected (something about me being with her best friend at the time), kept after her...and now I'm married to my best friend.

Ten years, two kids, two dogs, one cat and a mortgage later I can safely say that going after my friend was the smartest thing I have ever done in my life.

Mousencrantz · 08-04-2005, 06:58 PM

I would have to agree with everyone asking how long you have known eachother. I lost my best friend recently in a relationship. We were together for two years and it fell apart, and there is no salvaging it. Ask yourself whether you are willing to lose her, and yes, whether you see yourself in the semi-near future (few years) possibly marrying this girl. Sadly the "M" word plays a role in this.

shazbotus · 08-04-2005, 07:41 PM

Wolf, it's so weird that you ask about my age and explained your situation because I, too, just finished my sophomore year (meaning that we met freshman year..one of the first people I met, too). And clavus, that's quite a story in such little detail. It gives me hope.

Anyways, I do feel that I could marry her. We both like to be around each other, have many common interests (outdoors, rock music), and many differences (I'm an engineer, she is a theater major and avoids all things technical...I cannot see myself necessarily with another engineer...I feel like I need a certain type of counteraction). The situation is tough now, because she will be gone all of this year studying abroad, though I will be visiting during a school break. My senior year, a group of 7 of us are housing together...we will be living together. That will be a tough situation if we end up being together. But it disappoints me that if I dont act soon, after that senior year, we may end up very far apart. I feel like its good to let some stuff just happen and not try to plan things (especially this) so far ahead of yourself, so I want to see where I can go with this relationship. How might I approach her about this. Hmm...really, its a tough situation that I am in because with her gone this whole year, it's as if I'd be trying to START something like this at a long distance...and then when we are back to school together during my senior year, we will be together, so starting it then might be awkward. Thanks for the help so far, I sincerely appreciate it.

Xazy · 08-05-2005, 03:50 AM

If you are friendship it is a great thing to build on into a relationship. I dated my best friend of 13 years, sadly I found out she cheated and that ended all connection with her. I think that if you feel it you should go for it, but you have to be ready to accept the potential loss of friendship if the relationship does not last (not neccesarily but be willing to accept the worst case scenario).

Mousencrantz · 08-05-2005, 03:55 AM

The living together isn't so bad. I am currently living with my girlfriend of almost a year, and Its going well so far (we're in sophmore year, so americans call it I believe). It is the ultimate test, remember that. If anything goes wrong, hopefully you can salvage a friendship, but understand I lived with my past girlfriend for a few months and it crashed and burned everything. I was fine with it, because it taught me who she really was, and I learned that she wasn't marriage material. I live with it now. All I say is go for it. Many people say living together is bad, because it ends badly and it becomes awkward, but I am in a house of 6, and you 7, so the bigger the house, the easier it is.

Go for it my friend. Let your crusade ride on in the name of love! (the maker and breaker of hearts)

keiichi451 · 08-06-2005, 11:16 PM

Slippery slope... I really feel dating your best friend could be the best thing ever, but as stated earlier, it's also dangerous.

My best friend and I were close for many years (since HS, and I've graduated college already now). Anyway, we liked each other back then, were too shy to do anything about it. And eventually, swept into relationships with other people. Her relationship fell apart first (probably after about 1.5 years), and mine followed suit about a year later (3.5 years). Anyway, she made it clear she wanted to be with me after I broke it off with my ex. I really liked her, however, I wasn't quite ready to jump back onto the relationship wagon yet.

We did go on several unannounced dates, and pretty much spent all day together every day. However, her research took her away for a summer... (About 2.5 months had passed) I was about ready to take the next step with her and make it official. But when she got to the university she was doing summer research at, I became a very secondary priority. She made new friends and I guess started eyeing a French guy there.

I didn't know about him yet, but I did feel something was off, because I was so ignored. Long story short, I didn't act quick enough and she was snatched away from me.

Our friendship has had it's ups and major downs since that time. I still took care of her since that time (~ 1 year now). Sometimes I'd get so frustated... She'd always tell me that I'm so important, that she couldn't live without me, and she could do without him. Various other things have been done to lead me on... Yet, everyday I look and guess what? She still hasn't left him.

Anyway, recently I decided to stand up for myself (which I've tried before but she always tried to avoid it), and I asked her to choose me or him. Regardless of the choice, at least it would be settled, no?

Well... she chose to stay with him. Our friendship is pretty much sprawled out on the rocks, dying... we haven't talked for awhile (usually it was hours / day)

I'm not so much sad in the way that I cry everyday... but the feeling of boredum or emptiness has really taken full control of me. Not only did I lose a potential mate, but a friend that was always there.

I'm not sure I really have a lesson for you, I guess I could come up with some:
- act quickly if the time is right
- if you fail, you risk everything
- don't let a girl's indecision ruin your friendship?
(plenty more available, I think)

Just putting this out there, to make myself feel a bit better by sharing, and to give you readers something to consider.

good luck.

Acetylene · 08-07-2005, 04:42 PM

Your life partner is your lover AND your best friend. You already have a best friend so why not also make her your lover? It doesn't make sense to me to leave a perfectly good friendship to go try and start a new one somewhere else--and it makes even less sense to deny that a romance is based on friendship, not the other way around.

Sweetpea · 08-07-2005, 05:40 PM

My husband has been my best friend since i was 14. What started as a frienship with some attraction, lead into a full scale rommance and when we turned 20, we got married, and you know what, that was years ago. We're a happy and loving couple who love and trust each other because our relationship was built strongly in a 'friend' realm first. There is nothing better than being with your best friend AND fuck buddy.

I highly suggest you give it a try and take it to the next level with your friend! Good things will come of it i'm sure!

Sweetpea

martinguerre · 08-09-2005, 05:14 PM

go listen to "Standing Outside the Fire" by Garth Brooks (that is, if you like country) and then go do something.

honestly, i think that friends make good lovers. i've been burned that way before, too...but i'd be loathe to ever suggest that not ever taking a chance was the smart way to go.

coleh2085 · 08-12-2005, 03:13 PM

Most people will tell you no but... I have done it, and it is great. Just be completely honest, that is all you can do. Tell her exactly how you feel and what you want, don't beat around the bush. It will be fine! The more honest with her you are, the more honest with you she will be.

deri · 08-12-2005, 06:22 PM

I say go for it. I dated my best friend of two years and now we are married and very happy.

08-03-2005, 07:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
shazbotus Tilted Location: Orlando, FL	Dating one's best friend... Ok, here's the deal. I really like a girl and feel that we get along great with each other. We both care for each other, too. I'd very much like to get closer to her, and we've been good, close friends for two years now. My dilemma is that I don't know if it would be too akward to discuss this with her. She mentions many of her (drunken, sometimes) hookups with other guys to me, but she is never really satisfied. She continues to do it because it's thrilling, and she recently felt like she had met "the one." Obviously, a hookup is not where you should start a relationship, but she was really trying to start something with this guy. Of course, he didnt want any of that relationship stuff. So...it seems like she wants a relationship, but with her desire for hookups, I don't know for sure. I want to go further with her, but I dont want it to be awkward. Help me, please (other women, especially)

08-03-2005, 08:19 PM	#3 (permalink)
wolf Ravenous Location: Right Behind You	Ok, well I think my first question would be how old are you and what type of a relationship are you looking for. The reason I ask is because I was a sophmore in college and I was in the same situation. I had met a girl and really befriended her. She would call me and we would talk about my relationships and her relationships. Mostly about hers. We would see eachother as often as we could. Eventually I got the courage to ask her out. We're married now and it is great, we talk about everything and we have a lot in common. If you aren't ready for a really serious relationship, or if she isn't ready then wait until you are. Cause if you do this it may be "the one" that you stated earlier, if you try it too soon then you could ruin it. Wait too long and you may be out of luck. Two years sounds about right. Another question: when you talk to her about relationships, does she get a bit of a jealous or envious tone? If so then she is definitely ready for the next step. __________________ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

08-03-2005, 08:33 PM	#4 (permalink)
cyrnel Adequate Location: In my angry-dome.	Aw, man. Those can be great and terrible. Losing a best friend because the dynamics didn't play as an SO is really a shame. Not to say all relationships that go this way die completely, but it's hazardous. Ideally you're SO _is_ your best friend, but so many other things come into play. As Monk would say, "It's a blessing... and a curse." __________________ There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

08-03-2005, 08:58 PM	#5 (permalink)
Jimellow Junkie	I think you should ask yourself if you are prepared to lose this girl as a friend if the serious relationship doesn't work out. All relationships don't end well, and there is no guarantee that you will be able to remain friends with this girl after taking it to the next level. Also, I would make sure you really want to risk it. By that I mean, are you sure you want to seriously date this girl? As close friends, people generally find out a lot about one another, and that provides an opportunity to find things that are attractive, but also things that are a turn off. Being close friends with someone allows you to get a more complete view of what you are potentially getting into if you opt for a relationship, and I think you should take advantage of that ability. I've noticed that my own desires in a long term relationship are greatly influenced by close female friends I have; both good and bad. I tend to be against turning friendships into serious relationships, because I think close friendships become "boring" in the sense that we know each other too well already, and are content being friends. I also don't consider it worth the risk of losing a close friend, unless I am almost certain that the person is the type I want to spend the rest of my life with. In a sense, you are getting a head start by seriously dating a close friend, but you are also potentially risking being friends at all if things don't work out. I would just ask yourself how it would be different if you were dating seriously, and if realistically, you consider it to be worth it. It's a decision you have to make, because you are the one experiencing the feelings you are. If you try it and fail, you might kick yourself, but at least you won't have regrets or doubts about what could have transpired the rest of your life. __________________ Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.

08-03-2005, 09:55 PM	#6 (permalink)
clavus pow! Location: NorCal	There is a 97.3% chance that she is one of those girls that crushes the hearts of her nice-guy male friends. However, I hooked up with my friend. Then broke it off, but stayed friends through several of her boyfriends (and a few girls of my own), made it clear that I wanted her, got rejected (something about me being with her best friend at the time), kept after her...and now I'm married to my best friend. Ten years, two kids, two dogs, one cat and a mortgage later I can safely say that going after my friend was the smartest thing I have ever done in my life. __________________ Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

08-03-2005, 08:13 PM	#2 (permalink)
rival Crazy Location: Pittsburgh, Pa	I wouldn't try it. Relationships come and go but good friends can last a lifetime. If you make a play for her and she turns you down, your friendship will get messy. If she does agree to go out with you and the relationship doesn't work out, your friendship will be gone. The drinking and one night stand business is bad news too. If she's doing that, she's not ready for what you're going to offer her.

08-04-2005, 06:58 PM	#7 (permalink)
Mousencrantz Upright	I would have to agree with everyone asking how long you have known eachother. I lost my best friend recently in a relationship. We were together for two years and it fell apart, and there is no salvaging it. Ask yourself whether you are willing to lose her, and yes, whether you see yourself in the semi-near future (few years) possibly marrying this girl. Sadly the "M" word plays a role in this.

08-04-2005, 07:41 PM	#8 (permalink)
shazbotus Tilted Location: Orlando, FL	Wolf, it's so weird that you ask about my age and explained your situation because I, too, just finished my sophomore year (meaning that we met freshman year..one of the first people I met, too). And clavus, that's quite a story in such little detail. It gives me hope. Anyways, I do feel that I could marry her. We both like to be around each other, have many common interests (outdoors, rock music), and many differences (I'm an engineer, she is a theater major and avoids all things technical...I cannot see myself necessarily with another engineer...I feel like I need a certain type of counteraction). The situation is tough now, because she will be gone all of this year studying abroad, though I will be visiting during a school break. My senior year, a group of 7 of us are housing together...we will be living together. That will be a tough situation if we end up being together. But it disappoints me that if I dont act soon, after that senior year, we may end up very far apart. I feel like its good to let some stuff just happen and not try to plan things (especially this) so far ahead of yourself, so I want to see where I can go with this relationship. How might I approach her about this. Hmm...really, its a tough situation that I am in because with her gone this whole year, it's as if I'd be trying to START something like this at a long distance...and then when we are back to school together during my senior year, we will be together, so starting it then might be awkward. Thanks for the help so far, I sincerely appreciate it.

08-05-2005, 03:50 AM	#9 (permalink)
Xazy People in masks cannot be trusted Location: NYC	If you are friendship it is a great thing to build on into a relationship. I dated my best friend of 13 years, sadly I found out she cheated and that ended all connection with her. I think that if you feel it you should go for it, but you have to be ready to accept the potential loss of friendship if the relationship does not last (not neccesarily but be willing to accept the worst case scenario).

08-05-2005, 03:55 AM	#10 (permalink)
Mousencrantz Upright	The living together isn't so bad. I am currently living with my girlfriend of almost a year, and Its going well so far (we're in sophmore year, so americans call it I believe). It is the ultimate test, remember that. If anything goes wrong, hopefully you can salvage a friendship, but understand I lived with my past girlfriend for a few months and it crashed and burned everything. I was fine with it, because it taught me who she really was, and I learned that she wasn't marriage material. I live with it now. All I say is go for it. Many people say living together is bad, because it ends badly and it becomes awkward, but I am in a house of 6, and you 7, so the bigger the house, the easier it is. Go for it my friend. Let your crusade ride on in the name of love! (the maker and breaker of hearts)

08-06-2005, 11:16 PM	#11 (permalink)
keiichi451 Upright	Slippery slope... I really feel dating your best friend could be the best thing ever, but as stated earlier, it's also dangerous. My best friend and I were close for many years (since HS, and I've graduated college already now). Anyway, we liked each other back then, were too shy to do anything about it. And eventually, swept into relationships with other people. Her relationship fell apart first (probably after about 1.5 years), and mine followed suit about a year later (3.5 years). Anyway, she made it clear she wanted to be with me after I broke it off with my ex. I really liked her, however, I wasn't quite ready to jump back onto the relationship wagon yet. We did go on several unannounced dates, and pretty much spent all day together every day. However, her research took her away for a summer... (About 2.5 months had passed) I was about ready to take the next step with her and make it official. But when she got to the university she was doing summer research at, I became a very secondary priority. She made new friends and I guess started eyeing a French guy there. I didn't know about him yet, but I did feel something was off, because I was so ignored. Long story short, I didn't act quick enough and she was snatched away from me. Our friendship has had it's ups and major downs since that time. I still took care of her since that time (~ 1 year now). Sometimes I'd get so frustated... She'd always tell me that I'm so important, that she couldn't live without me, and she could do without him. Various other things have been done to lead me on... Yet, everyday I look and guess what? She still hasn't left him. Anyway, recently I decided to stand up for myself (which I've tried before but she always tried to avoid it), and I asked her to choose me or him. Regardless of the choice, at least it would be settled, no? Well... she chose to stay with him. Our friendship is pretty much sprawled out on the rocks, dying... we haven't talked for awhile (usually it was hours / day) I'm not so much sad in the way that I cry everyday... but the feeling of boredum or emptiness has really taken full control of me. Not only did I lose a potential mate, but a friend that was always there. I'm not sure I really have a lesson for you, I guess I could come up with some: - act quickly if the time is right - if you fail, you risk everything - don't let a girl's indecision ruin your friendship? (plenty more available, I think) Just putting this out there, to make myself feel a bit better by sharing, and to give you readers something to consider. good luck.

08-07-2005, 04:42 PM	#12 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	Your life partner is your lover AND your best friend. You already have a best friend so why not also make her your lover? It doesn't make sense to me to leave a perfectly good friendship to go try and start a new one somewhere else--and it makes even less sense to deny that a romance is based on friendship, not the other way around. __________________ There's no justice. There's just us.

08-07-2005, 05:40 PM	#13 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	My husband has been my best friend since i was 14. What started as a frienship with some attraction, lead into a full scale rommance and when we turned 20, we got married, and you know what, that was years ago. We're a happy and loving couple who love and trust each other because our relationship was built strongly in a 'friend' realm first. There is nothing better than being with your best friend AND fuck buddy. I highly suggest you give it a try and take it to the next level with your friend! Good things will come of it i'm sure! Sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

08-09-2005, 05:14 PM	#14 (permalink)
martinguerre whosoever Location: New England	go listen to "Standing Outside the Fire" by Garth Brooks (that is, if you like country) and then go do something. honestly, i think that friends make good lovers. i've been burned that way before, too...but i'd be loathe to ever suggest that not ever taking a chance was the smart way to go. __________________ For God so loved creation, that God sent God's only Son that whosoever believed should not perish, but have everlasting life. -John 3:16

08-12-2005, 03:13 PM	#15 (permalink)
coleh2085 Upright	Most people will tell you no but... I have done it, and it is great. Just be completely honest, that is all you can do. Tell her exactly how you feel and what you want, don't beat around the bush. It will be fine! The more honest with her you are, the more honest with you she will be.

08-12-2005, 06:22 PM	#16 (permalink)
deri Tilted	I say go for it. I dated my best friend of two years and now we are married and very happy.