Long distance relationships - coping - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Martian · 05-03-2005, 03:24 PM

I did a search and couldn't find any threads that were really relevant, so I guess this should be alright, although I'm a bit surprised it hasn't been addressed before.

Me and my girl are in a distance relationship at the moment - she's going to Wayne State in Detroit and I'm doing the working stiff deal near Toronto. We're about 250 miles apart and I have a tough time dealing with it. We talk on the phone on a daily basis (I pay extra for a long distance plan to make this possible, while she buys phone cards for the same reason) but that's clearly not the same as being together. I'm proud of her and want her to do well, but it's hard being so far apart. It doesn't help that we both agree that when we're together the sex is the best we've ever had (when she's here I tend to get dirty looks from some of my neighbours and smiles and winks from others, but that's yet another discussion).

We don't do phone sex, having both agreed that the concept just seems a bit too weird to work for us. She actually says she doesn't think she could manage without laughing and I agree. But at the same time the distance is murder. Neither of us sleeps as well without the other, we miss being together and hanging out, everything that being close brings us. The worst is when we actually are together, because it seems like every time I have to leave her or vice versa it gets a little harder.

This is my first time being in a long distance relationship. I refused to try it before solely because I knew it would be difficult and didn't see the point in putting myself through it. It's hard and it hurts, yeah, but she's worth it and it's a great feeling knowing that I've found a girl who is worth that sort of thing. The problem is, I'm not very good at dealing with it.

So there's the crux of it. I know I'm not the only one here doing the distance thing and I was wondering how other people cope. I was sort of hoping it would get easier over time, but the opposite really seems to be true. What are other peoples' experience on the issue? How do you deal with being alone?

Acetylene · 05-03-2005, 04:00 PM

As many visits as possible

Since you're working, you probably don't have much to do on weekends. During the week, live frugally and save up your money. Do all your chores so you dont have any on the weekend. Then, every chance you get, hop on the plane or the train or the bus and get to your girl!

Seeing each other once a week is quite doable. The transport gets old really quickly, though, so cultivate an interest in something you can do on the bus/plane/train. Good things include handicrafts like macrame (hemp braiding) and leathercraft; also, frequent your library and bring fine literature to read so you can sound smart at parties!

Days when you have no work to do and are lonely, get out and do stuff! Never, ever sit at home and mope. The very best thing is to get exercise; go for a walk or a jog, go swimming, or just pick up a workout book and do your routine at home.

Play loud music so the house doesn't seem empty.

Depending on how long you will be apart, you might consider a pet. Pets are excellent for making the house seem lively and providing affection and companionship (although they aren't good conversationalists). If you will be apart for only a year or so, get a short-lived pet like a fish, mouse, or hamster (warning: hamsters are nocturnal and very stupid). If the seperation will last for 2 to 5 years (until she gets her master's degree, or whatever she's studying for) get a better pet like a guinea pig (who is stupid but fun to hold) or a bird. Birds are especially good for lonely people because they will talk to you. Be aware, though, that birds can take a lot of time and patience to tame. DON'T buy a cat or dog unless you are ready for a serious companion who will need significant love and attention and a lot of active care! (if you do decide to get a pet, I'd love to help you get started--there's not much I don't know about pets after a lifetime of living in a menagerie)

abaya · 05-03-2005, 04:05 PM

As many people know, the distance between ktspktsp and I is very draining to me at times (esp. the day or two after we've just seen each other). We will also spend the whole summer apart, with very little communication of any kind since I'll be in Africa, and this separation will continue for at least a year or more. Is there an end in sight for you?

Have you tried chatting on MSN? Webcams & microphones are relatively inexpensive ways to "see" each other (and hell, even have wonderful cybersex--and yes, it's funny sometimes and it's okay to laugh!) between visits. Ktspktsp and I like to do that on a regular basis, and we also send each other e-mails and cell-phone text messages many times a day. Have you tried a cell phone long-distance plan, they seem to be much cheaper than phone cards, etc? You can get a picture/text msg package that allows you to share little bits of each day with the other person... just taking snapshots or sending a little note. Also, sending each other snail-mail can mean a lot, with little effort... postcards, letters, pictures, etc. Just some ideas... I'll write more later, and I'm sure ktspktsp has some good advice from his (working, not school) side of things.

arch13 · 05-03-2005, 04:12 PM

Oh you will learn to love that phone.
Cingular loves me and my SO's love of the phone. ATT loved us even more when we started going over $1000.00 a month, even with nights.

After 5 of the past 8 years apart, me and my SO have learned that the phone is just a peice of plastic and there is no difference between speaking into it, and speaking right at each other. The intent is what matters. The feelings are what matter. The "Something amazing just happend and I need to tell her!" is what matters. If you turn to say it to their face or say it to a voice on the other end of the line, the care and intention you put in is all the difference in the world.

My advice?
Speak to her as if she was there. Becuase there is a difference in ones voice between "on the phone" and speaking to the person you love. Don'y let it ever be "on the phone". Treat every thing you say, every comment, every sentance, as if you where there saying it while looking into her eyes.

Get a family plan for the cells. I'm sure that a cingular family plan for Canada includes many northern-center US cities in the same calling area.

Remember that online (AIM) is never a substitute for speaking on the phone. In fact, avoid AIM and speak on the phone. There is something bueatiful about her voice you will find that all the typing in the world could never replace.

And the phone sex, that won't seem so weird after a while

Arch13 counts how many times he's given this advice on the TFP...1...2...3....Damn, that's more fingers and toes than I have!

Edit
Damn you Abaya (Shakes fist)
Pay attention to what she said as well ^

Figure out how to send text messages online for free. Abuse it. Be sweet and so cute you make your buddies want to throw up. Ya know why? Becuase they all wish they had what you have.

Also, when you type email, tell her something. An email is not " I love you, call me later"
An email is you expressing yourself to her. Like above, treat it as if you where speaking right to her.

And send real cards and letters. There is something magical about actually writting a letter to the one you love, equaled almost as much by the magic they will feel when they receive it.

Martian · 05-03-2005, 04:24 PM

abaya - she has at least another year of school left, so it's hard for us to know exactly when we'll be together for good. It's just not possible for me to move down there right now, either (although I'd sorely like to and not only for her - I'm a gigantic gearhead and Detroit is the automotive mecca).

We chat on AIM and we both send each other text messages (both of our providers have a free online service to send the other a message, which is good becuse they charge me $0.10 per txt, which doesn't sound like a lot but can add up pretty quickly). I just don't think either of us could do cyber sex, even with a web cam, we're not particularly interested. I know it works for a lot of people and maybe a few months down the road when we're a bit more desperate... but right now it just doesn't seem like it would work.

Africa?! I don't know how you could manage that, although it's sort of funny, because today we were talking about just how much we missed each other and she asked me what I'd do if she ended up somewhere like that. I told her I'd follow her.

I guess we all do what we have to do.

acetylene - I've yet to find a method of transport cheaper than simply driving. I burn $40 in gas, compared to $150 for a round trip ticket on a Greyhound. The increased maintenance on my car probably balances that out a bit, but it helps that I do the work myself. Even so, I simply can't afford to make the trip every weekend and neither can she.

Both of you, your support is greatly appreciated and I if I can return the favour in any way, just say the word.

Edit arch13 - Thanks to you, as well. That's really helpful and I never really thought of it that way. Somehow it just isn't the same on the phone, although I suppose that's as much attitude as anything else. I admire you and your SO for managing that - if I were faced with the prospect of going five years without her I'd be packing my car right now and to hell with the rest.

astrahl · 05-03-2005, 04:27 PM

Internet phone service - Vonage, free long distance & great message service.
The SO & I used video conferencing lots when we were courting.
We were 3000 miles apart.

abaya · 05-03-2005, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by arch13

Edit
Damn you Abaya (Shakes fist)
Pay attention to what she said as well ^
-snip-
Also, when you type email, tell her something. An email is not " I love you, call me later"
An email is you expressing yourself to her. Like above, treat it as if you where speaking right to her.

And send real cards and letters. There is something magical about actually writting a letter to the one you love, equaled almost as much by the magic they will feel when they receive it.

arch13, you have great advice as well, especially about the
quality of e-mails and cards/letters (<--nothing replaces a letter to someone, esp. at a distance... it makes you fall in love with them all over again). I think that's really, really important to remember, so it doesn't just become a habit. I think IM can be used like the phone, as long as the people do not take the conversation for granted or multi-task mentally (looking at other screens on the Web at the same time, etc). That is a big issue for me and ktspktsp at times, since he doesn't see IM as being "speaking right to her," I've figured out. But for me, phone and IM are pretty much the same thing... so make sure you communicate about your expectations re: method of communication!

StarCrossed · 05-03-2005, 04:42 PM

Just look at, Averett's signature. That says it all. What a smart girl she is.

ophelia783 · 05-03-2005, 06:36 PM

Martian,
One of the things that's probably making it more difficult is that you had a close-proximity life beforehand (although I could be wrong).

I don't know what it's like to be with majik_6 daily....anything we want to experience together needs to planned at least 3 weeks in advance, and all our plans (especially seeing the other's family) needs to be crammed in a short amount of time.

At first, I wouldn't do the whole phone-sex thing, it just seemed odd.....then, one night, it just happened, and believe it or not, it helps. Since you live in Toronto, look into Sprint's long-distance plan, which is valid 24/7, and is only $29.99 a month for unlimited calls to North America (I save about $1500/month), and maybe she could get Vonage, which I believe has the same plan and goes through the internet.

Some things that can make you both feel more together is text-messaging or e-mailing poems or quotes to each other, sending mix cds you've made, and even taking candid pics at photo booths or buying her favorite candy and mailing them off to her.

If you're curious about anything else, or having a rough time, feel free to PM me.
Good luck!

qweds · 05-03-2005, 06:49 PM

I'm not sure if I can help or what not but I can tell you how things are for me.

I have a Russian fiance (not mail order thank you very much). I'm a Russian major in my last year of school and I studied abroad for a term. Anayways when you're half a world away constant phone calls are pretty much impossible, esp for two college students.

The 9 hours time differential doesnt help either. Being 21 and around enough eligible females makes this one of the most difficult things. Now I just hope I don't end up speaking out my ass here, but in all honesty what works best for me is to try as much as possible to forget about that part of my life while living it is impossible and to become completely engrossed in something else. That may be easier for a college student than a working man, but what I did was to start an insanely difficult translation project, I imagine you have some interest that you might be able to get into.

If the two of you, as my mother says, really are meant for it the time and distance will work themselves out. If sex is the most important thing, move on.

good luck though

jRuntlets · 05-03-2005, 07:14 PM

Speaking as a girl who hasn't seen her boyfriend since February (but he'll be home in 16 days!), it's hard... it won't be easy. Though I suppose our relationship is less taxed because we've been friends for 6 years, and through one deployment in Iraq prior to dating. He's millitary and I'm civie, along with being a college student. There's no plausable way for me to go with him due to my school and horse schedule, as well as the lack of marriage plans in the foreseeable future which means the ARMY could give a shitless about our situation.

I miss him, today it's been bad becuase it's one of the days we don't talk on the phone... I do have a hard time sleeping with him, and hey, like everyone else I miss getting some too!

I fill my days to their fullest while he's gone just so when I have the down time at night to talk to him (thanks to ALLTEL's night minutes at 7pm) that's all that I have to do. We typically talk for two or three hours 4 times a week. I've also found it's easy to remain close to his family. I drop by see his mom once a week while she's at work, so we get to talk about him.

He's going to be shipping out to Iraq for a year somewhere in the Nov. to Dec. time range. It'll be hard and heart breaking, but it's something I've got to support him in. I won't get to see him for at least 6-8 months, maybe the whole year he's there if they don't give the guys leave.

My suggestion to you is to fill your life with things you didn't think you could do, something new and different. I've made it a point to hit the gym as well as reading lots of books. It's hard and it's lonely but if you want to make it work then it'll work out the way it's supposed to.

It's hard to have him leave, I always plan a full week the first week that he's gone. So full I really don't have time to think about much. If I find other things to do then I'm not so lonely.

I forget who it was mentioned a pet.... that's a great idea! Though my cat is currently suffering from "over love", and tries to avoid me at all costs.

MiSo · 05-03-2005, 07:22 PM

i've been in a long distance relationship for about 4 years now.
its pretty tough, i gotta admit. sometimes i think it would've been better to just date someone closer to me.

but finally after 4 years apart, we're getting a place together at the end of july.
we went to different schools but now i'll be moving with her.
i went to FSU and she attends UGA.
its about a 5 hour drive. (like 400 miles give or take)

sometimes i'd only see her once every 2-3 months.
but if you guys trust each other the relationship can work.
being able to survive thru a long distance relationship is mentally stressful.
my gf and i never fight or argue when we're together, but we seem to argue alot when we talk over the phone. its not that we dont like each other but the distance puts a noticeable strain on the relationship.

when i was in high school, i had this awesome gf. but i ruined the relationship because i did not learn how to give a girl space, and i "crowded" her too much. (btw, this is the only girl i regret loosing because i feel like it was totally my fault)

ever since i lost her, i learned how to give a girl her own space and i learned how to live my life without needing someone always there. this helped me alot in dealing with a long distance relationship. i guess i kind of taught myself how to get along without needing her there all the time. As long as i knew i loved her and she loved me, that was enough for me. Although i know my train of thought probably wouldn't fly well with alot of people, but it works for me. i'm happy just knowing i'm with her and she loves me.

the most important thing is a long distance relationship is trust.
if you guys trust and care about each other enough to wait, then it can work out. being apart just makes the time you're together more special.

and remember to send lots of emails and letters like stated above.
taking the small time out of your day really shows that you care.

la petite moi · 05-03-2005, 07:28 PM

How long are you two going to be apart?

If it's temporary (year or less), try to think of it as a test. You CAN get through it- just keep talking to each other and telling each other everything that happened during the day.

If not, it's still a test...but more of an extreme challenge. In this case, expect lots of fighting, but know that you can get through it. For the sleeping thing, get body pillows. They snuggle to you kind of like a body does.

I've been in a long distance relationship for about two years now. We see each other every other weekend, only because nwlinkvxd drives four hours home. It's been tough but now I'm finally moving in with him the beginning of June.

Martian · 05-03-2005, 07:33 PM

la petite moi - I'm not sure what the timeframe is. She'll have her english degree soon but she wants to go into teaching. So it could be another year or another several. She said she wants to study here for her teaching certificate, but we're still trying to figure out how everything translates. Right now we're taking it one day at a time.

Once again I want to thank everyone for the insight. We will get through this (that's a collective we, inlcuding everyone here) but that doesn't make it easy. I think it makes life a bit easier to know you're not alone.

Sugar&Spice · 05-03-2005, 07:53 PM

I'll be in your shoes again in about about two weeks. Last year I lived about five hrs from where he was going to college. We would visit each other every two weeks. Then he headed home for the summer which was about 2500 miles from me. I went to visit him once. During the time we were apart we talked a lot on the phone. I went through a lot of phone cards. We also had msn messenger and on the days we couldn't talk, we would send emails to each other. It was hard and at times I didn't think we'd make it through.

We've been together about a year and a half now. I transferred schools and am now living in the same town as him. But, he will soon be heading back home for the summer and this time there will be no visit. We both have cingular phones so we can talk to each other as much as we want and it doesn't take any of our minutes away. It is hard to have a long distance relationship, but if you can make it through and finally get to the point where you can finally be together it will be worth it. I agree, it does help to know other people are in the same boat.

Zegel · 05-04-2005, 04:45 AM

I did the long distance thing for about three months, then ended up finding a job in her city and moving. It wouldnt hurt to look in the classifieds and see what's out there - it doesnt really matter what type of work you do, there's pretty much always going to be something along the lines of what you do in another city.

For me, moving was the best choice of my life. We're getting married in two weeks =P.

blizzak · 05-04-2005, 09:46 PM

my girlfriend lives 39 miles away if we're both living at home, and even that seems like a long distance to me. We both go to the same school but I won't have a semester together with her for a long time because of co-op, semesters at other schools, and her at school during the summer.

It's hard not being down the street from someone you want to spend so much time with. However, it always does make the time we spend together amazing. I live with a couple at my school house who have been going out for just over a year so I hear a fair amount of what goes on between them. It pains me to see that they supposidely love eachother so much yet it doesn't seem that way by how they treat eachother sometimes. If being long distance puts a strain on a relationship, then for damn sure being too close would seem to do the same thing, if you're not ready for it.

As for communicating long distance, we usually talk on msn, but i'd probably rather do phone. Arch, you perhaps have made your best post yet in this thread, and I totally appreciate seeing all the other views and situations that others have described as well.

abaya · 05-04-2005, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blizzak

If being long distance puts a strain on a relationship, then for damn sure being too close would seem to do the same thing, if you're not ready for it.

Yep, done both of these things and they do put quite a strain on you. I wasn't ready to live with ktspktsp in the fall, but we were stuck with the situation for about 5 months. Nearly killed us--at least, my part of us. Then we went from being 24-7 together to being 170 miles apart... talk about a transition. And now I'll be gone overseas all summer before coming back to weekends-only again.

It's gonna be some years before we are consistently together again, but I do think all the growing-up we have to do in the meantime will prepare us for living together for a much longer period of time in the future. At least, that's my hope. Being with a serious bf/gf in non-ideal situations during the tumultuous 20s is a crazy experience, but hey, it puts hair on your chest. For us, it's still worth it to keep trying.

silver2k · 05-05-2005, 04:32 AM

you think 250 miles is bad? i live in australia while my girlfriend lives in north carolina

haha...just helping you put it in perspective

doncalypso · 05-05-2005, 04:46 AM

I couldn't do any long-distance relationship.... just wouldn't work for me.

My girlfriend and I are graduating in two days (Saturday May 7th, for clarification's sake) but we won't stay together after she returns home to seek a job despite the fact that she's staying in western Pennsylvania (near Erie) while I'm going to grad school in Villanova near Philadelphia. While some would say it's only a 6-hour drive away, I just wouldn't be able to deal with the whole long-distance thing because I know I'm too addicted to sex and she's too needy of physical contact and comfort for us to make this work over such a distance.

Besides, grad school would keep me too busy to go visit on weekends, and I don't even have a car so I wouldn't be able to drive over (and I hate doing the Greyhound bus trips because they're long and uncomfortable). No thank you... long-distance may work for some, but not for me.

ShaniFaye · 05-05-2005, 05:12 AM

I had a 3 year LD relationship, my b/f was in New Zealand...he came over once a year for a month. Im one of those girls that cant do phone sex....I laugh...and laugh and laugh and laugh. Back then we could get some really cheap time on priceline to call something like 800 minutes for 29 bucks.

Nothing helps, be glad its only 250 miles not 10,000 at least you have the option of seeing her more often than we could. And be glad that you only have a year or so left. Mike and I finally called it off....in the end I needed someone WITH me. If he'd been as close as you it would have been different.

yikes that was depressing wasnt it?

Cynthetiq · 05-05-2005, 06:35 AM

Wow, back in the day when I had a LD relationship I didn't have any of these technology options. I had airmail and phone.

good luck.

StarCrossed · 05-05-2005, 10:04 AM

All i know is, if you two are in it 110%, pursue it. If somone is doing more or less than the other, ruuuuuuun.

kbmeister@earth · 05-09-2005, 12:13 PM

I do believe the NZ to NC relationship has me beat, but California to Maryland is pretty damned bad. A friend introduced the two of us last may during a vacation out here, and inside of 24 hours we clicked hard, and decided to try things out from there. It's almost been a year now, we're quite serious, and while we've pulled off a couple of month long stints together and a smattering of weekends, it's still been hard as hell.

For me though, I've found the best way to deal with the separation psychologically. is to compartmentalize. We've tried extensive phone-time and AIM, video chat, letters and that was all well and good for a while, but the more emotionally attached I became, the harder the distance was to cope with. The only way I could deal with both parts of my life (my relationship and school), was the shut off the one I couldn't deal directly with. The phone time began to peeter off, we're still on AIM all the time, but there's a lot less contact. It seems that the more of this LD (read: inferior) contact we had, the harder and more acutely I missed being together. It actually caused less pain to talk less.

Thankfully, knowing that neither of us could deal with 3000 miles of separation for long, we looked into other options early, and she's transferring to a school out here so we can be together. So quite soon, tomorrow actually, that era of our relationship will permanently over, and I could not be happier.

hitokiri · 05-09-2005, 02:18 PM

I personally don't think it's possible to "cope" with a long distance relationship... I was in one that only went as far as a 2 hour drive and it near drove me insane. Anyone who tells you that it gets easier is bs'ing, doesn't know, or somehow managed to move on partly. The only thing that made me feel better is working my @$$ off to finish as many classes as possible and finish my degree so i could move back. when i focused on finishing stuff ASAP, at least i felt like i was doing something about the distance

visotech · 05-09-2005, 02:27 PM

It is easy once you get adjusted to it. But then again, long distance is for some people and not for others.

My gf and I have been in our long distance relationship just about 1.5 years now, and it has been long distance from the start (although we were friends living in the same town before we got togather relationship wise). It seems that over time you just get used to it. We are both college students and tend to keep busy throughout the day, so we talk every night, text message throughout the day, and talk on msn messenger. Phone sex was fun but got old quick, but we still play around every once in a while. The main thing is we look forward to seeing eachother doing little countdowns and stuff. We end up seeing eachother about once a month because plane tickets don't come cheap. At first it was unbearable and when we'd visit eachother we'd just go at it like rabbits - but now I think through long distance we have a greater appreication for eachother and just being around one an another is the most valuable time spent.

On a brighter note, she is transfering from her cc to the universtiy I go to next fall

Skelington · 05-09-2005, 03:09 PM

well, i spent the first 6 months of my current relationship seeing my SO everyday. i could count on 1 hand the days that i didn't see him for a little bit. but he graduated from school and had to move back to Philidelphia (i am in Rochester N.Y.) all of a sudden he was gone. at first, it was very difficult to handle, i would just start thinking about it, and start crying randomly, and my friends were always here to help me.

it doesn't help any that he doesn't like talking on the phone for long periods of time. we talk everyday, but it is never for a very long time. i write him letters, a lot of letters, but he doesn't write so much because he works on his computer projects during the days, and we talk at night.

it was a month and one day before i got to see him again, and it has been 22 days since i have seen him. i don't know when i am going to get to see him again either, since i am going home (Northern O.H.) in 8 days for summer break. we are both going to be working, and he is taking a summer class. i miss him a lot, and i have things around me that remind me of him, so it makes things easier. and as for sleeping without him, i have one of his shirts (that still smells like him after all this time) that i sleep with.

good luck! i hope you get to see her soon!

Skelington · 05-09-2005, 08:18 PM

i just wanted to add that it is difficult to tlk on the phone when my roommate is in the room. (the problem iam having right now actually...akward!!)

miguelmv · 05-11-2005, 07:50 PM

Woah! This is nice! I found this thread to just fit right in the situation I am in. Everything started by the last quarter of 2002. I was in highschool at the time and I met this wonderful exchange student from Germany. We became friends really quick and without notice, we kicked it off as a couple. She was my everyday and we would spend every single day of our lives, looking at each other, making love in the afternoons, taking refreshing showers, having a coffee and what not. Till, of course, the day came that she had to go back to her country. We were both devastated and I am sure the both of us had the idea that that was the end -as we really didnt know we would see each other again.
July 2003 came and she left. I never felt as miserable and lonely as that day, when after dropping her at the airport, I took the bus back home and i felt that emptiness on my right shoulder, where she would lean against when she was sleepy. I cried all the way till i got home. We kept in touch from that day and we never stopped talking to each almost every single day (so far, I am sure I have spent more than 500$ in calling cards...for sure more) and even though our relationship is even farther than the guy that started this thread, i feel there is no need to feel desperate when I know she is all i ever want in this life. On May 9th, it was our 2 yrs and 5 month anniversary. She will be coming home (to me) in Ottawa on July. And I cant wait for it!!

Miguel

chickentribs · 05-12-2005, 12:19 AM

Martian - I had a list of "dont's" that I was making because I was a flop with my LD relationship, but I realized how ridiculous, negative, and unhelpful that actually was for you! whew.

Instead I offer a single DO: Be her friend first.

You are both alone in cities wishing you had the person you love with you. When lonliness, jealousy, or anger start to creep in, which is natural, step back and ask yourself what she would want from her best friend at that moment.

Your passion and emotion gives you the 'want' for each other, but can be a tricky friend that is easily hurt when ignored. Your friendship will give you the day to day, level-headed patience to get through the time necessary. You seem like a good guy with realistic ideas about what it is going to take, regardless of what she does with school. That flexibility says a lot... Hang in there!

bigwolf · 05-12-2005, 12:27 AM

Do what you can to make it intresting and fresh when you are together, and agree to work through the tough times. I did it for two years being 1400 miles from my girl. It can be tough at times, but if it is a good relationship it can work. best of luck to you.

nefarious · 05-15-2005, 07:46 AM

GF - Arizona, US ME - Baghdad. Iraq

It is hard, but when you dont have a choice, you just have to do what you have to do. If you really love someone, you'll get through it. It definately wont get easier either. After a while you'll probably get tired of the relationship. Believe me, it's not as bad as it could be. You just have to ask yourself if you really love her that much. If you do, it'll be hard at times but you wont regret it in the end.

05-03-2005, 03:24 PM	#1 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	Long distance relationships - coping I did a search and couldn't find any threads that were really relevant, so I guess this should be alright, although I'm a bit surprised it hasn't been addressed before. Me and my girl are in a distance relationship at the moment - she's going to Wayne State in Detroit and I'm doing the working stiff deal near Toronto. We're about 250 miles apart and I have a tough time dealing with it. We talk on the phone on a daily basis (I pay extra for a long distance plan to make this possible, while she buys phone cards for the same reason) but that's clearly not the same as being together. I'm proud of her and want her to do well, but it's hard being so far apart. It doesn't help that we both agree that when we're together the sex is the best we've ever had (when she's here I tend to get dirty looks from some of my neighbours and smiles and winks from others, but that's yet another discussion). We don't do phone sex, having both agreed that the concept just seems a bit too weird to work for us. She actually says she doesn't think she could manage without laughing and I agree. But at the same time the distance is murder. Neither of us sleeps as well without the other, we miss being together and hanging out, everything that being close brings us. The worst is when we actually are together, because it seems like every time I have to leave her or vice versa it gets a little harder. This is my first time being in a long distance relationship. I refused to try it before solely because I knew it would be difficult and didn't see the point in putting myself through it. It's hard and it hurts, yeah, but she's worth it and it's a great feeling knowing that I've found a girl who is worth that sort of thing. The problem is, I'm not very good at dealing with it. So there's the crux of it. I know I'm not the only one here doing the distance thing and I was wondering how other people cope. I was sort of hoping it would get easier over time, but the opposite really seems to be true. What are other peoples' experience on the issue? How do you deal with being alone?

05-03-2005, 04:00 PM	#2 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	As many visits as possible Since you're working, you probably don't have much to do on weekends. During the week, live frugally and save up your money. Do all your chores so you dont have any on the weekend. Then, every chance you get, hop on the plane or the train or the bus and get to your girl! Seeing each other once a week is quite doable. The transport gets old really quickly, though, so cultivate an interest in something you can do on the bus/plane/train. Good things include handicrafts like macrame (hemp braiding) and leathercraft; also, frequent your library and bring fine literature to read so you can sound smart at parties! Days when you have no work to do and are lonely, get out and do stuff! Never, ever sit at home and mope. The very best thing is to get exercise; go for a walk or a jog, go swimming, or just pick up a workout book and do your routine at home. Play loud music so the house doesn't seem empty. Depending on how long you will be apart, you might consider a pet. Pets are excellent for making the house seem lively and providing affection and companionship (although they aren't good conversationalists). If you will be apart for only a year or so, get a short-lived pet like a fish, mouse, or hamster (warning: hamsters are nocturnal and very stupid). If the seperation will last for 2 to 5 years (until she gets her master's degree, or whatever she's studying for) get a better pet like a guinea pig (who is stupid but fun to hold) or a bird. Birds are especially good for lonely people because they will talk to you. Be aware, though, that birds can take a lot of time and patience to tame. DON'T buy a cat or dog unless you are ready for a serious companion who will need significant love and attention and a lot of active care! (if you do decide to get a pet, I'd love to help you get started--there's not much I don't know about pets after a lifetime of living in a menagerie) __________________ There's no justice. There's just us. Last edited by Acetylene; 05-03-2005 at 04:08 PM..

05-03-2005, 04:05 PM	#3 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	As many people know, the distance between ktspktsp and I is very draining to me at times (esp. the day or two after we've just seen each other). We will also spend the whole summer apart, with very little communication of any kind since I'll be in Africa, and this separation will continue for at least a year or more. Is there an end in sight for you? Have you tried chatting on MSN? Webcams & microphones are relatively inexpensive ways to "see" each other (and hell, even have wonderful cybersex--and yes, it's funny sometimes and it's okay to laugh!) between visits. Ktspktsp and I like to do that on a regular basis, and we also send each other e-mails and cell-phone text messages many times a day. Have you tried a cell phone long-distance plan, they seem to be much cheaper than phone cards, etc? You can get a picture/text msg package that allows you to share little bits of each day with the other person... just taking snapshots or sending a little note. Also, sending each other snail-mail can mean a lot, with little effort... postcards, letters, pictures, etc. Just some ideas... I'll write more later, and I'm sure ktspktsp has some good advice from his (working, not school) side of things. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

05-03-2005, 04:12 PM	#4 (permalink)
arch13 Loves my girl in thongs Location: North of Mexico, South of Canada	Oh you will learn to love that phone. Cingular loves me and my SO's love of the phone. ATT loved us even more when we started going over $1000.00 a month, even with nights. After 5 of the past 8 years apart, me and my SO have learned that the phone is just a peice of plastic and there is no difference between speaking into it, and speaking right at each other. The intent is what matters. The feelings are what matter. The "Something amazing just happend and I need to tell her!" is what matters. If you turn to say it to their face or say it to a voice on the other end of the line, the care and intention you put in is all the difference in the world. My advice? Speak to her as if she was there. Becuase there is a difference in ones voice between "on the phone" and speaking to the person you love. Don'y let it ever be "on the phone". Treat every thing you say, every comment, every sentance, as if you where there saying it while looking into her eyes. Get a family plan for the cells. I'm sure that a cingular family plan for Canada includes many northern-center US cities in the same calling area. Remember that online (AIM) is never a substitute for speaking on the phone. In fact, avoid AIM and speak on the phone. There is something bueatiful about her voice you will find that all the typing in the world could never replace. And the phone sex, that won't seem so weird after a while Arch13 counts how many times he's given this advice on the TFP...1...2...3....Damn, that's more fingers and toes than I have! Edit Damn you Abaya (Shakes fist) Pay attention to what she said as well ^ Figure out how to send text messages online for free. Abuse it. Be sweet and so cute you make your buddies want to throw up. Ya know why? Becuase they all wish they had what you have. Also, when you type email, tell her something. An email is not " I love you, call me later" An email is you expressing yourself to her. Like above, treat it as if you where speaking right to her. And send real cards and letters. There is something magical about actually writting a letter to the one you love, equaled almost as much by the magic they will feel when they receive it. __________________ Seen on an employer evaluation: "The wheel is turning but the hamsters dead" ____________________________ Is arch13 really a porn diety ? find out after the film at 11. -Nanofever Last edited by arch13; 05-03-2005 at 04:16 PM..

05-03-2005, 04:24 PM	#5 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	abaya - she has at least another year of school left, so it's hard for us to know exactly when we'll be together for good. It's just not possible for me to move down there right now, either (although I'd sorely like to and not only for her - I'm a gigantic gearhead and Detroit is the automotive mecca). We chat on AIM and we both send each other text messages (both of our providers have a free online service to send the other a message, which is good becuse they charge me $0.10 per txt, which doesn't sound like a lot but can add up pretty quickly). I just don't think either of us could do cyber sex, even with a web cam, we're not particularly interested. I know it works for a lot of people and maybe a few months down the road when we're a bit more desperate... but right now it just doesn't seem like it would work. Africa?! I don't know how you could manage that, although it's sort of funny, because today we were talking about just how much we missed each other and she asked me what I'd do if she ended up somewhere like that. I told her I'd follow her. I guess we all do what we have to do. acetylene - I've yet to find a method of transport cheaper than simply driving. I burn $40 in gas, compared to $150 for a round trip ticket on a Greyhound. The increased maintenance on my car probably balances that out a bit, but it helps that I do the work myself. Even so, I simply can't afford to make the trip every weekend and neither can she. Both of you, your support is greatly appreciated and I if I can return the favour in any way, just say the word. Edit arch13 - Thanks to you, as well. That's really helpful and I never really thought of it that way. Somehow it just isn't the same on the phone, although I suppose that's as much attitude as anything else. I admire you and your SO for managing that - if I were faced with the prospect of going five years without her I'd be packing my car right now and to hell with the rest. Last edited by Martian; 05-03-2005 at 04:28 PM..

05-03-2005, 04:27 PM	#6 (permalink)
astrahl Insane Location: You don't want to live here	Internet phone service - Vonage, free long distance & great message service. The SO & I used video conferencing lots when we were courting. We were 3000 miles apart. __________________ Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed. Maybe Maybe... ~a-Ha

05-03-2005, 04:42 PM	#8 (permalink)
StarCrossed Upright Location: 815click	Just look at, Averett's signature. That says it all. What a smart girl she is. __________________ "Everybody plays the fool sometimes"

05-03-2005, 06:36 PM	#9 (permalink)
ophelia783 Insane Location: West Virginia	Martian, One of the things that's probably making it more difficult is that you had a close-proximity life beforehand (although I could be wrong). I don't know what it's like to be with majik_6 daily....anything we want to experience together needs to planned at least 3 weeks in advance, and all our plans (especially seeing the other's family) needs to be crammed in a short amount of time. At first, I wouldn't do the whole phone-sex thing, it just seemed odd.....then, one night, it just happened, and believe it or not, it helps. Since you live in Toronto, look into Sprint's long-distance plan, which is valid 24/7, and is only $29.99 a month for unlimited calls to North America (I save about $1500/month), and maybe she could get Vonage, which I believe has the same plan and goes through the internet. Some things that can make you both feel more together is text-messaging or e-mailing poems or quotes to each other, sending mix cds you've made, and even taking candid pics at photo booths or buying her favorite candy and mailing them off to her. If you're curious about anything else, or having a rough time, feel free to PM me. Good luck! __________________ ~~ He with a sharp tongue slits his own throat ~~

05-03-2005, 06:49 PM	#10 (permalink)
qweds has been Location: Chicago	I'm not sure if I can help or what not but I can tell you how things are for me. I have a Russian fiance (not mail order thank you very much). I'm a Russian major in my last year of school and I studied abroad for a term. Anayways when you're half a world away constant phone calls are pretty much impossible, esp for two college students. The 9 hours time differential doesnt help either. Being 21 and around enough eligible females makes this one of the most difficult things. Now I just hope I don't end up speaking out my ass here, but in all honesty what works best for me is to try as much as possible to forget about that part of my life while living it is impossible and to become completely engrossed in something else. That may be easier for a college student than a working man, but what I did was to start an insanely difficult translation project, I imagine you have some interest that you might be able to get into. If the two of you, as my mother says, really are meant for it the time and distance will work themselves out. If sex is the most important thing, move on. good luck though __________________ tim(mah)

05-03-2005, 07:14 PM	#11 (permalink)
jRuntlets Crazy	Speaking as a girl who hasn't seen her boyfriend since February (but he'll be home in 16 days!), it's hard... it won't be easy. Though I suppose our relationship is less taxed because we've been friends for 6 years, and through one deployment in Iraq prior to dating. He's millitary and I'm civie, along with being a college student. There's no plausable way for me to go with him due to my school and horse schedule, as well as the lack of marriage plans in the foreseeable future which means the ARMY could give a shitless about our situation. I miss him, today it's been bad becuase it's one of the days we don't talk on the phone... I do have a hard time sleeping with him, and hey, like everyone else I miss getting some too! I fill my days to their fullest while he's gone just so when I have the down time at night to talk to him (thanks to ALLTEL's night minutes at 7pm) that's all that I have to do. We typically talk for two or three hours 4 times a week. I've also found it's easy to remain close to his family. I drop by see his mom once a week while she's at work, so we get to talk about him. He's going to be shipping out to Iraq for a year somewhere in the Nov. to Dec. time range. It'll be hard and heart breaking, but it's something I've got to support him in. I won't get to see him for at least 6-8 months, maybe the whole year he's there if they don't give the guys leave. My suggestion to you is to fill your life with things you didn't think you could do, something new and different. I've made it a point to hit the gym as well as reading lots of books. It's hard and it's lonely but if you want to make it work then it'll work out the way it's supposed to. It's hard to have him leave, I always plan a full week the first week that he's gone. So full I really don't have time to think about much. If I find other things to do then I'm not so lonely. I forget who it was mentioned a pet.... that's a great idea! Though my cat is currently suffering from "over love", and tries to avoid me at all costs. __________________ Horses come and go, but some leave permanent hoof prints on your life.

05-03-2005, 07:22 PM	#12 (permalink)
MiSo Psycho	i've been in a long distance relationship for about 4 years now. its pretty tough, i gotta admit. sometimes i think it would've been better to just date someone closer to me. but finally after 4 years apart, we're getting a place together at the end of july. we went to different schools but now i'll be moving with her. i went to FSU and she attends UGA. its about a 5 hour drive. (like 400 miles give or take) sometimes i'd only see her once every 2-3 months. but if you guys trust each other the relationship can work. being able to survive thru a long distance relationship is mentally stressful. my gf and i never fight or argue when we're together, but we seem to argue alot when we talk over the phone. its not that we dont like each other but the distance puts a noticeable strain on the relationship. when i was in high school, i had this awesome gf. but i ruined the relationship because i did not learn how to give a girl space, and i "crowded" her too much. (btw, this is the only girl i regret loosing because i feel like it was totally my fault) ever since i lost her, i learned how to give a girl her own space and i learned how to live my life without needing someone always there. this helped me alot in dealing with a long distance relationship. i guess i kind of taught myself how to get along without needing her there all the time. As long as i knew i loved her and she loved me, that was enough for me. Although i know my train of thought probably wouldn't fly well with alot of people, but it works for me. i'm happy just knowing i'm with her and she loves me. the most important thing is a long distance relationship is trust. if you guys trust and care about each other enough to wait, then it can work out. being apart just makes the time you're together more special. and remember to send lots of emails and letters like stated above. taking the small time out of your day really shows that you care. Last edited by MiSo; 05-03-2005 at 07:29 PM..

05-03-2005, 07:28 PM	#13 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	How long are you two going to be apart? If it's temporary (year or less), try to think of it as a test. You CAN get through it- just keep talking to each other and telling each other everything that happened during the day. If not, it's still a test...but more of an extreme challenge. In this case, expect lots of fighting, but know that you can get through it. For the sleeping thing, get body pillows. They snuggle to you kind of like a body does. I've been in a long distance relationship for about two years now. We see each other every other weekend, only because nwlinkvxd drives four hours home. It's been tough but now I'm finally moving in with him the beginning of June.

05-03-2005, 07:33 PM	#14 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	la petite moi - I'm not sure what the timeframe is. She'll have her english degree soon but she wants to go into teaching. So it could be another year or another several. She said she wants to study here for her teaching certificate, but we're still trying to figure out how everything translates. Right now we're taking it one day at a time. Once again I want to thank everyone for the insight. We will get through this (that's a collective we, inlcuding everyone here) but that doesn't make it easy. I think it makes life a bit easier to know you're not alone.

05-03-2005, 07:53 PM	#15 (permalink)
Sugar&Spice Psycho	I'll be in your shoes again in about about two weeks. Last year I lived about five hrs from where he was going to college. We would visit each other every two weeks. Then he headed home for the summer which was about 2500 miles from me. I went to visit him once. During the time we were apart we talked a lot on the phone. I went through a lot of phone cards. We also had msn messenger and on the days we couldn't talk, we would send emails to each other. It was hard and at times I didn't think we'd make it through. We've been together about a year and a half now. I transferred schools and am now living in the same town as him. But, he will soon be heading back home for the summer and this time there will be no visit. We both have cingular phones so we can talk to each other as much as we want and it doesn't take any of our minutes away. It is hard to have a long distance relationship, but if you can make it through and finally get to the point where you can finally be together it will be worth it. I agree, it does help to know other people are in the same boat. __________________ -Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

05-04-2005, 04:45 AM	#16 (permalink)
Zegel Tilted	I did the long distance thing for about three months, then ended up finding a job in her city and moving. It wouldnt hurt to look in the classifieds and see what's out there - it doesnt really matter what type of work you do, there's pretty much always going to be something along the lines of what you do in another city. For me, moving was the best choice of my life. We're getting married in two weeks =P. Last edited by Zegel; 05-04-2005 at 04:49 AM..

05-05-2005, 06:35 AM	#22 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	Wow, back in the day when I had a LD relationship I didn't have any of these technology options. I had airmail and phone. good luck. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

05-04-2005, 09:46 PM	#17 (permalink)
blizzak Crazy	my girlfriend lives 39 miles away if we're both living at home, and even that seems like a long distance to me. We both go to the same school but I won't have a semester together with her for a long time because of co-op, semesters at other schools, and her at school during the summer. It's hard not being down the street from someone you want to spend so much time with. However, it always does make the time we spend together amazing. I live with a couple at my school house who have been going out for just over a year so I hear a fair amount of what goes on between them. It pains me to see that they supposidely love eachother so much yet it doesn't seem that way by how they treat eachother sometimes. If being long distance puts a strain on a relationship, then for damn sure being too close would seem to do the same thing, if you're not ready for it. As for communicating long distance, we usually talk on msn, but i'd probably rather do phone. Arch, you perhaps have made your best post yet in this thread, and I totally appreciate seeing all the other views and situations that others have described as well. __________________ Fueled by oxytocin!

05-05-2005, 04:32 AM	#19 (permalink)
silver2k Upright	you think 250 miles is bad? i live in australia while my girlfriend lives in north carolina haha...just helping you put it in perspective

05-05-2005, 04:46 AM	#20 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	I couldn't do any long-distance relationship.... just wouldn't work for me. My girlfriend and I are graduating in two days (Saturday May 7th, for clarification's sake) but we won't stay together after she returns home to seek a job despite the fact that she's staying in western Pennsylvania (near Erie) while I'm going to grad school in Villanova near Philadelphia. While some would say it's only a 6-hour drive away, I just wouldn't be able to deal with the whole long-distance thing because I know I'm too addicted to sex and she's too needy of physical contact and comfort for us to make this work over such a distance. Besides, grad school would keep me too busy to go visit on weekends, and I don't even have a car so I wouldn't be able to drive over (and I hate doing the Greyhound bus trips because they're long and uncomfortable). No thank you... long-distance may work for some, but not for me. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

05-05-2005, 05:12 AM	#21 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	I had a 3 year LD relationship, my b/f was in New Zealand...he came over once a year for a month. Im one of those girls that cant do phone sex....I laugh...and laugh and laugh and laugh. Back then we could get some really cheap time on priceline to call something like 800 minutes for 29 bucks. Nothing helps, be glad its only 250 miles not 10,000 at least you have the option of seeing her more often than we could. And be glad that you only have a year or so left. Mike and I finally called it off....in the end I needed someone WITH me. If he'd been as close as you it would have been different. yikes that was depressing wasnt it? __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

05-05-2005, 10:04 AM	#23 (permalink)
StarCrossed Upright Location: 815click	All i know is, if you two are in it 110%, pursue it. If somone is doing more or less than the other, ruuuuuuun. __________________ "Everybody plays the fool sometimes"

05-09-2005, 12:13 PM	#24 (permalink)
kbmeister@earth Upright	I do believe the NZ to NC relationship has me beat, but California to Maryland is pretty damned bad. A friend introduced the two of us last may during a vacation out here, and inside of 24 hours we clicked hard, and decided to try things out from there. It's almost been a year now, we're quite serious, and while we've pulled off a couple of month long stints together and a smattering of weekends, it's still been hard as hell. For me though, I've found the best way to deal with the separation psychologically. is to compartmentalize. We've tried extensive phone-time and AIM, video chat, letters and that was all well and good for a while, but the more emotionally attached I became, the harder the distance was to cope with. The only way I could deal with both parts of my life (my relationship and school), was the shut off the one I couldn't deal directly with. The phone time began to peeter off, we're still on AIM all the time, but there's a lot less contact. It seems that the more of this LD (read: inferior) contact we had, the harder and more acutely I missed being together. It actually caused less pain to talk less. Thankfully, knowing that neither of us could deal with 3000 miles of separation for long, we looked into other options early, and she's transferring to a school out here so we can be together. So quite soon, tomorrow actually, that era of our relationship will permanently over, and I could not be happier.

05-09-2005, 02:18 PM	#25 (permalink)
hitokiri Upright	I personally don't think it's possible to "cope" with a long distance relationship... I was in one that only went as far as a 2 hour drive and it near drove me insane. Anyone who tells you that it gets easier is bs'ing, doesn't know, or somehow managed to move on partly. The only thing that made me feel better is working my @$$ off to finish as many classes as possible and finish my degree so i could move back. when i focused on finishing stuff ASAP, at least i felt like i was doing something about the distance

05-09-2005, 02:27 PM	#26 (permalink)
visotech Insane Location: San Diego, CA	It is easy once you get adjusted to it. But then again, long distance is for some people and not for others. My gf and I have been in our long distance relationship just about 1.5 years now, and it has been long distance from the start (although we were friends living in the same town before we got togather relationship wise). It seems that over time you just get used to it. We are both college students and tend to keep busy throughout the day, so we talk every night, text message throughout the day, and talk on msn messenger. Phone sex was fun but got old quick, but we still play around every once in a while. The main thing is we look forward to seeing eachother doing little countdowns and stuff. We end up seeing eachother about once a month because plane tickets don't come cheap. At first it was unbearable and when we'd visit eachother we'd just go at it like rabbits - but now I think through long distance we have a greater appreication for eachother and just being around one an another is the most valuable time spent. On a brighter note, she is transfering from her cc to the universtiy I go to next fall Last edited by visotech; 05-09-2005 at 02:30 PM..

05-09-2005, 03:09 PM	#27 (permalink)
Skelington Upright Location: Between May and August and i am in Mantua, Ohio. and between August and May, and i am in Rochester, New York	well, i spent the first 6 months of my current relationship seeing my SO everyday. i could count on 1 hand the days that i didn't see him for a little bit. but he graduated from school and had to move back to Philidelphia (i am in Rochester N.Y.) all of a sudden he was gone. at first, it was very difficult to handle, i would just start thinking about it, and start crying randomly, and my friends were always here to help me. it doesn't help any that he doesn't like talking on the phone for long periods of time. we talk everyday, but it is never for a very long time. i write him letters, a lot of letters, but he doesn't write so much because he works on his computer projects during the days, and we talk at night. it was a month and one day before i got to see him again, and it has been 22 days since i have seen him. i don't know when i am going to get to see him again either, since i am going home (Northern O.H.) in 8 days for summer break. we are both going to be working, and he is taking a summer class. i miss him a lot, and i have things around me that remind me of him, so it makes things easier. and as for sleeping without him, i have one of his shirts (that still smells like him after all this time) that i sleep with. good luck! i hope you get to see her soon!

05-09-2005, 08:18 PM	#28 (permalink)
Skelington Upright Location: Between May and August and i am in Mantua, Ohio. and between August and May, and i am in Rochester, New York	i just wanted to add that it is difficult to tlk on the phone when my roommate is in the room. (the problem iam having right now actually...akward!!) __________________ It is insanity that keeps us sane. Ay si volvieras a mi Vida ay si volvieras Si regresaras por mi Seria feliz otra vez Pero hoy te vas Y no hay vuelta atra

05-11-2005, 07:50 PM	#29 (permalink)
miguelmv Upright Location: Ottawa, ON Canada	Woah! This is nice! I found this thread to just fit right in the situation I am in. Everything started by the last quarter of 2002. I was in highschool at the time and I met this wonderful exchange student from Germany. We became friends really quick and without notice, we kicked it off as a couple. She was my everyday and we would spend every single day of our lives, looking at each other, making love in the afternoons, taking refreshing showers, having a coffee and what not. Till, of course, the day came that she had to go back to her country. We were both devastated and I am sure the both of us had the idea that that was the end -as we really didnt know we would see each other again. July 2003 came and she left. I never felt as miserable and lonely as that day, when after dropping her at the airport, I took the bus back home and i felt that emptiness on my right shoulder, where she would lean against when she was sleepy. I cried all the way till i got home. We kept in touch from that day and we never stopped talking to each almost every single day (so far, I am sure I have spent more than 500$ in calling cards...for sure more) and even though our relationship is even farther than the guy that started this thread, i feel there is no need to feel desperate when I know she is all i ever want in this life. On May 9th, it was our 2 yrs and 5 month anniversary. She will be coming home (to me) in Ottawa on July. And I cant wait for it!! Miguel __________________ Aqui viene un soldado de America -- Ernesto Guevara

05-12-2005, 12:19 AM	#30 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	Martian - I had a list of "dont's" that I was making because I was a flop with my LD relationship, but I realized how ridiculous, negative, and unhelpful that actually was for you! whew. Instead I offer a single DO: Be her friend first. You are both alone in cities wishing you had the person you love with you. When lonliness, jealousy, or anger start to creep in, which is natural, step back and ask yourself what she would want from her best friend at that moment. Your passion and emotion gives you the 'want' for each other, but can be a tricky friend that is easily hurt when ignored. Your friendship will give you the day to day, level-headed patience to get through the time necessary. You seem like a good guy with realistic ideas about what it is going to take, regardless of what she does with school. That flexibility says a lot... Hang in there! __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.

05-12-2005, 12:27 AM	#31 (permalink)
bigwolf Upright Location: arizona	Do what you can to make it intresting and fresh when you are together, and agree to work through the tough times. I did it for two years being 1400 miles from my girl. It can be tough at times, but if it is a good relationship it can work. best of luck to you.

05-15-2005, 07:46 AM	#32 (permalink)
nefarious Insane Location: Tucson, AZ	GF - Arizona, US ME - Baghdad. Iraq It is hard, but when you dont have a choice, you just have to do what you have to do. If you really love someone, you'll get through it. It definately wont get easier either. After a while you'll probably get tired of the relationship. Believe me, it's not as bad as it could be. You just have to ask yourself if you really love her that much. If you do, it'll be hard at times but you wont regret it in the end. __________________ Si vis pacem, para bellum. - Vegetius "Do Re Mil.3, Prol.