Insecurity with a relationship - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

AndTylerToo · 04-14-2005, 06:01 PM

Hey, this is pretty complicated, and I've found from the people that I've talked about it with that it's also pretty confusing, just a heads up

.
Anyway, about a year ago one of my friends, Mark, met a girl in his lit class, Julia, and thought she was cool, so they started hanging out, and Mark and I are best friends, which means that all 3 of us started hanging out.
She's really cool, and we hit it off, and started doing more stuff together. After about a month, I started to develop feelings for her, that kept stewing, and built up more over the summer, and I finally told her how I felt in September. She told me that she just wanted to be friends, and, interestingly, actually meant it. I thought that I'd be fine with it, but for some reason I couldn't get it out of my head that there was some awkwardness between us, even though there wasn't.
Plus, when I was in highschool, 9th grade to be exact, I only had one friend, just after a move, and he and I were friends for a long while, and just out of nowhere he stopped talking to me, and started ignoring me totally. Naturally I was hurt, and until about the last month of school, I just wandered aimlessly, without any friends, during which time, I also found that he spread rumors about me being gay... which I've never understood... but at the end of that year I started hanging out with Mark, and we've been great friends since then.
That was kinda to explain my perceived awkwardness. Because of that friendship, I can often get paranoid and afraid that a friend isn't being sincere, and just have general low self esteem from time to time. Well I started freaking out that Mark and Julia were going out with each other behind my back, all because my paranoia was slowing down our advance in friendship, while their'd advanced just fine. This continued for months, when stuff kept building up, and after talking to Mark and Julia seperately about some of the smaller problems, I decided that I wanted to talk with Julia and explain it all and get it all out there and settle things. She said that she was busy that day, but that she would call me when she was done, because she was getting ready to go on vacation. This is in December. Well, I waited the entire day, and it gets late, and think that she isn't gonna call, so I explode and sent 2 really nasty emails, which I promptly regretted, and not 2 minutes after I sent them she called!

Even I have to laugh at how bad timing that is... but I was too afraid to pick up and felt really guilty, needless to say she found the email and responded saying that she thought that everything was fine, and that I need to get over whatever is my problem, and that we might not be suitable friends, because some people just aren't (paraphrasing). Over the next two days, I wrote a huge email to say everything that I wanted to talk to her about, and explained that. When we got back from winter break, all was fine for a while, things were back to normal, and 3 weeks later, we hung out one weekend, and later in the night when most of the people had left, we went sledding near her house and just played in the snow. I left her that night thinking that I might love her, and woke up the next morning sure of it. In her email she spoke of being truthful, so I waited until the next day so I could tell her in person, and told her that I loved her. She said that it was so sweet, and thank you, pretty much what I was expecting. After that got out everything was fine again, but then, what I was paranoid about, Mark and Julia going out, started coming true, they were all over each other, groping and cuddling during movies and stuff, just really playful. Then the day after his birthday, I found out that she liked Mark, a recent development, and she had told him.
Very confusing pseudo-love triangle. Well, things escalated with them, and a month later the question of them going out came up, I did something that was so hard for me, and told Mark to go for it because I thought that it'd make both of them happy. They did, and were together for about a month, before realizing that they prefered just being friends. That was one of the hardest months of my life, hearing about and watching and knowing that my best friend was going out with the girl that I loved.
Well, now we're reaching the overall point of the thread, time has passed between then, and Julia and I have gotten really close, doing stuff alone all the time, spending entire days together sometimes, but my friends betrayal keeps coming back to me (9th grade) and I have such insecurities about our friendship, when I really have no need to be. I was just wondering if anyone here had any advice as how to proceed, and how to maybe get past my irrational paranoia/low self esteem when it comes to us, because I keep having periods where its good and then go through periods where its bad, and no matter what I do it seems to keep coming back. Thanks for reading through all of it, and any advice whatsoever is appreciated.

former newt · 04-14-2005, 07:15 PM

first off, i think you might want to address your own fear about friends. it's understandable that you have an issue of paranoia about friends, but you need to realize that not all people are like that 9th grade kid. everyone meets someone like that, who acts like a friend and then stabs you in the back. you just have to come to terms with the fact that there will be people like that, but that there are also genuinely friendly people, hopefully like mark.

that being said, don't let your guard completely down. nothing is worth destroying your own self-image and self-esteem. julia might seem important to you, and if something works out between you two, kudos. but if not, understand that you have to move on. from the looks of it, if nothing happens with julia, it won't be because you're bad person, but maybe julia isn't the right one for you.

also, try to ease up on people a little bit. don't come across as possessive or desperate, because people will cash in on that to ease their own insecurities about themselves. after all, when people make fun of others, its usually to emphasize someone else's problems to take away attention from their own. not saying julia will make fun of you, but from what i've seen with some of my own friends, being possessive is a put-off. no one wants to hang out with someone who's clingy.

it looks like julia is interested in you. it's hard to tell if she's interested in you for something other than being just friends, though. talk to her friends, if at all possible. maybe you could casually start good conversations about her. usually if a girl likes someone, she tells her friends. maybe you can find out about her feelings that way.

dirtyrascal7 · 04-14-2005, 09:15 PM

first of all... there is absolutely no reason to make things so complicated.

all these issues are things you'll have to work through, and hopefully you'll learn something in the process. i had a friend like your 9th grade friend... i never understood why he began to pick on me and make fun of me, but my 7th and 8th grade years were hell thanks to him. eventually i found enough strength within myself to not only make new friends, but that same guy ended up becoming one of my best high school friends. the point is that people that age are just too immature to be taken seriously... don't let them get to you because their opinion means nothing in the long run.

as for julia... your attraction to her is natural. she's probably one of the few girls who's shown you any attention and kindness in the past few years, so you latch onto that and begin planning your future with her in your mind... but she just wants to be friends. you've been through this with her before and it didn't work out... and yet you're going through the same pattern again.

to have any kind of lasting relationship (with any girl, not just julia) you need to work on your self esteem and build up some confidence... otherwise you'll just get walked on like a rug. julia seems like a great friend and i bet she'd help you out with that if you asked her to.

Cimarron29414 · 04-15-2005, 08:53 AM

You are convicting the entire population for the "crimes" of one 14-year-old.

Secondly, if Julia doesn't date Mark, she is going to date someone, eventually. You will either handle it well and be supportive, or you will handle it poorly and lose her entirely.

Sooner or later you are going to date someone. Julia will either handle it well and still be your friend, or handle it poorly and pull a "my best friend's wedding" thing on you.

I am estimating your age at around 19 or 20. The next 3 years will represent huge changes for you. Be patient, thoughtful, and value the things you already have rather than minimizing them by wishing for more. Always be mindful and giving to those who have less than what you have - friends, a college degree, a limitless future. Cheers!

Sage · 04-15-2005, 09:29 AM

You know, if you're at college you will probably find a counseling center on campus that can help you with your fear of abandonment. I say this because you could have some serious problems later on with your friends if you don't address this issue now. Your old friend was a dick, who proably had problems of his own- it's hard to let go when someone hurts you and betrays you like that. Go talk to someone about this, they'll help a lot, and then you can begin to see things in a more positive light.

DON'T EVER DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S EX!! Course, I'm a girl, and things are a bit different in girl land. But anyway, that's my advice...

Plus, dude, you're in college... you're gonna change a lot in the coming years as Cim said, so who knows who you're gonna end up with? Just have fun!

AndTylerToo · 04-15-2005, 08:20 PM

My friends are actually really great, and I don't get made fun of, or anything like that at all. I'm friends with many of her friends, (which makes them my friends I guess

)and shes not the only girl that shows me attention, and that I'm friends with by far, but she's definately the first TRUE girl friend that I've had, where I'd do stuff with just her, as opposed to her and a group of people. And formernewt, I think its fairly clear that she's only interested in being friends. Plus, I know, very clearly that I need to get past the betrayal and paranoia, which hasn't been as bad as it once was lately, but is still a problem. I personally see counseling as a last resort, because I just don't like the thought of being mentally disected by someone I don't know. But if anyone has good experiences with couselors or therapists, please tell me what they're like, I am a bit curious. Right now I'm pretty much just looking for a way to get past it on my own, but with how long its been going on I don't know that I have the strength for it, which, it itself is a kinda depressing notion

. But thanks for the comments guys.

abaya · 04-15-2005, 10:53 PM

TylerToo, counseling is not about being dissected... I've honestly never had that feeling. Look at it this way: if you had a genetic disease or broke your arm or something, would you avoid going to the doctor? Sure, they might poke and prod you a bit (necessarily, to see where it hurts), but they are trying to help you heal in the best way possible. The same goes for counseling. If you go with the attitude that they will dissect you, then that will taint your experience. But if you can see it more as a step to being fully functional and healthy in a relationship, and that in fact you are making an investment in your future relationships, then you will get a lot out of it.

On the days that I get cynical about counseling, I remember how shitty a lot of people's relationships are because they are simply too proud to ask for an objective opinion, and how I really want all of my relationships to be healthy and reflecting of wholeness rather than mistrust and paranoia, which I inherited from my parents. Basically I want to become someone who will be a very good wife and mother and person in general, which means becoming healthy in my mental patterns as well as physical ones. Counseling goes hand-in-hand with any kind of health regimen, including just working out and going for check-ups at the doctor; I really believe EVERYONE should do it and there should never be a stigma or shame involved (in fact, I think that is really decreasing lately).

It took me about 3 years to accept that I needed counseling for my own good, and for the good of my relationships... so take the time, but don't make it your last resort. Your friends shouldn't have to bear the burden of all your emotional/psychological needs... that's not always their job. That's where having an objective point of view is also helpful for your relationships!

Lead543 · 04-22-2005, 05:52 PM

I went through a similar experience in high school, having no friends for about a year and a half. To answer the paranoia/low self esteem question I've found what worls best is to move slowly with every encounter. Don't reveal too much personal information with friends or potential loves interests, let it all unravel slowly and in its own time. You'll create solid friendships that way, when trust is slowly built up over time it becomes very strong. If you feel paranoied about one of your friends take a step back and think logically. Write it down or put it out of your head. Feelings of paranoia and insecurity usually stem from overthinking a situation. The term "sleep on it" is a cliché but it's great advice. You'll have a whole new perspective in the morning. I'm kind of rambling but hopefully that'll help some aspects.

chickentribs · 04-26-2005, 03:18 AM

TylerToo, it's good to hear you recognize that it won't be a romantic relationship between the two of you - pursuing it after you have told her your feelings and she has been clear with you is a quick way to kill a valuable friendship, and she sounds like a one of the good ones... Friendships are about fun, support, and companionship. We all work hard at jobs, school, and family, so a pile of expectations generally isn't what most people are looking for in their friends. Your putting a lot of responsibility on her if she has keep calming you down and proving she is a "true friend".

Ease up on the importance of this one friendship by developing other friends as well, and I guarantee your friendship with Julia will grow. People will come and go out of your life constantly - that happens to everyone. Meeting and being interested in new people is what keeps life fun and keeps you interesting!

04-14-2005, 06:01 PM	#1 (permalink)
AndTylerToo Tilted Location: Ann Arbor, MI	Insecurity with a relationship Hey, this is pretty complicated, and I've found from the people that I've talked about it with that it's also pretty confusing, just a heads up . Anyway, about a year ago one of my friends, Mark, met a girl in his lit class, Julia, and thought she was cool, so they started hanging out, and Mark and I are best friends, which means that all 3 of us started hanging out. She's really cool, and we hit it off, and started doing more stuff together. After about a month, I started to develop feelings for her, that kept stewing, and built up more over the summer, and I finally told her how I felt in September. She told me that she just wanted to be friends, and, interestingly, actually meant it. I thought that I'd be fine with it, but for some reason I couldn't get it out of my head that there was some awkwardness between us, even though there wasn't. Plus, when I was in highschool, 9th grade to be exact, I only had one friend, just after a move, and he and I were friends for a long while, and just out of nowhere he stopped talking to me, and started ignoring me totally. Naturally I was hurt, and until about the last month of school, I just wandered aimlessly, without any friends, during which time, I also found that he spread rumors about me being gay... which I've never understood... but at the end of that year I started hanging out with Mark, and we've been great friends since then. That was kinda to explain my perceived awkwardness. Because of that friendship, I can often get paranoid and afraid that a friend isn't being sincere, and just have general low self esteem from time to time. Well I started freaking out that Mark and Julia were going out with each other behind my back, all because my paranoia was slowing down our advance in friendship, while their'd advanced just fine. This continued for months, when stuff kept building up, and after talking to Mark and Julia seperately about some of the smaller problems, I decided that I wanted to talk with Julia and explain it all and get it all out there and settle things. She said that she was busy that day, but that she would call me when she was done, because she was getting ready to go on vacation. This is in December. Well, I waited the entire day, and it gets late, and think that she isn't gonna call, so I explode and sent 2 really nasty emails, which I promptly regretted, and not 2 minutes after I sent them she called! Even I have to laugh at how bad timing that is... but I was too afraid to pick up and felt really guilty, needless to say she found the email and responded saying that she thought that everything was fine, and that I need to get over whatever is my problem, and that we might not be suitable friends, because some people just aren't (paraphrasing). Over the next two days, I wrote a huge email to say everything that I wanted to talk to her about, and explained that. When we got back from winter break, all was fine for a while, things were back to normal, and 3 weeks later, we hung out one weekend, and later in the night when most of the people had left, we went sledding near her house and just played in the snow. I left her that night thinking that I might love her, and woke up the next morning sure of it. In her email she spoke of being truthful, so I waited until the next day so I could tell her in person, and told her that I loved her. She said that it was so sweet, and thank you, pretty much what I was expecting. After that got out everything was fine again, but then, what I was paranoid about, Mark and Julia going out, started coming true, they were all over each other, groping and cuddling during movies and stuff, just really playful. Then the day after his birthday, I found out that she liked Mark, a recent development, and she had told him. Very confusing pseudo-love triangle. Well, things escalated with them, and a month later the question of them going out came up, I did something that was so hard for me, and told Mark to go for it because I thought that it'd make both of them happy. They did, and were together for about a month, before realizing that they prefered just being friends. That was one of the hardest months of my life, hearing about and watching and knowing that my best friend was going out with the girl that I loved. Well, now we're reaching the overall point of the thread, time has passed between then, and Julia and I have gotten really close, doing stuff alone all the time, spending entire days together sometimes, but my friends betrayal keeps coming back to me (9th grade) and I have such insecurities about our friendship, when I really have no need to be. I was just wondering if anyone here had any advice as how to proceed, and how to maybe get past my irrational paranoia/low self esteem when it comes to us, because I keep having periods where its good and then go through periods where its bad, and no matter what I do it seems to keep coming back. Thanks for reading through all of it, and any advice whatsoever is appreciated.

04-15-2005, 08:53 AM	#4 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	You are convicting the entire population for the "crimes" of one 14-year-old. Secondly, if Julia doesn't date Mark, she is going to date someone, eventually. You will either handle it well and be supportive, or you will handle it poorly and lose her entirely. Sooner or later you are going to date someone. Julia will either handle it well and still be your friend, or handle it poorly and pull a "my best friend's wedding" thing on you. I am estimating your age at around 19 or 20. The next 3 years will represent huge changes for you. Be patient, thoughtful, and value the things you already have rather than minimizing them by wishing for more. Always be mindful and giving to those who have less than what you have - friends, a college degree, a limitless future. Cheers! __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

04-15-2005, 09:29 AM	#5 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	You know, if you're at college you will probably find a counseling center on campus that can help you with your fear of abandonment. I say this because you could have some serious problems later on with your friends if you don't address this issue now. Your old friend was a dick, who proably had problems of his own- it's hard to let go when someone hurts you and betrays you like that. Go talk to someone about this, they'll help a lot, and then you can begin to see things in a more positive light. DON'T EVER DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S EX!! Course, I'm a girl, and things are a bit different in girl land. But anyway, that's my advice... Plus, dude, you're in college... you're gonna change a lot in the coming years as Cim said, so who knows who you're gonna end up with? Just have fun! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

04-15-2005, 10:53 PM	#7 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	TylerToo, counseling is not about being dissected... I've honestly never had that feeling. Look at it this way: if you had a genetic disease or broke your arm or something, would you avoid going to the doctor? Sure, they might poke and prod you a bit (necessarily, to see where it hurts), but they are trying to help you heal in the best way possible. The same goes for counseling. If you go with the attitude that they will dissect you, then that will taint your experience. But if you can see it more as a step to being fully functional and healthy in a relationship, and that in fact you are making an investment in your future relationships, then you will get a lot out of it. On the days that I get cynical about counseling, I remember how shitty a lot of people's relationships are because they are simply too proud to ask for an objective opinion, and how I really want all of my relationships to be healthy and reflecting of wholeness rather than mistrust and paranoia, which I inherited from my parents. Basically I want to become someone who will be a very good wife and mother and person in general, which means becoming healthy in my mental patterns as well as physical ones. Counseling goes hand-in-hand with any kind of health regimen, including just working out and going for check-ups at the doctor; I really believe EVERYONE should do it and there should never be a stigma or shame involved (in fact, I think that is really decreasing lately). It took me about 3 years to accept that I needed counseling for my own good, and for the good of my relationships... so take the time, but don't make it your last resort. Your friends shouldn't have to bear the burden of all your emotional/psychological needs... that's not always their job. That's where having an objective point of view is also helpful for your relationships! __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

04-26-2005, 03:18 AM	#9 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	TylerToo, it's good to hear you recognize that it won't be a romantic relationship between the two of you - pursuing it after you have told her your feelings and she has been clear with you is a quick way to kill a valuable friendship, and she sounds like a one of the good ones... Friendships are about fun, support, and companionship. We all work hard at jobs, school, and family, so a pile of expectations generally isn't what most people are looking for in their friends. Your putting a lot of responsibility on her if she has keep calming you down and proving she is a "true friend". Ease up on the importance of this one friendship by developing other friends as well, and I guarantee your friendship with Julia will grow. People will come and go out of your life constantly - that happens to everyone. Meeting and being interested in new people is what keeps life fun and keeps you interesting! __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.

04-14-2005, 07:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
former newt Crazy	first off, i think you might want to address your own fear about friends. it's understandable that you have an issue of paranoia about friends, but you need to realize that not all people are like that 9th grade kid. everyone meets someone like that, who acts like a friend and then stabs you in the back. you just have to come to terms with the fact that there will be people like that, but that there are also genuinely friendly people, hopefully like mark. that being said, don't let your guard completely down. nothing is worth destroying your own self-image and self-esteem. julia might seem important to you, and if something works out between you two, kudos. but if not, understand that you have to move on. from the looks of it, if nothing happens with julia, it won't be because you're bad person, but maybe julia isn't the right one for you. also, try to ease up on people a little bit. don't come across as possessive or desperate, because people will cash in on that to ease their own insecurities about themselves. after all, when people make fun of others, its usually to emphasize someone else's problems to take away attention from their own. not saying julia will make fun of you, but from what i've seen with some of my own friends, being possessive is a put-off. no one wants to hang out with someone who's clingy. it looks like julia is interested in you. it's hard to tell if she's interested in you for something other than being just friends, though. talk to her friends, if at all possible. maybe you could casually start good conversations about her. usually if a girl likes someone, she tells her friends. maybe you can find out about her feelings that way.

04-14-2005, 09:15 PM	#3 (permalink)
dirtyrascal7 That's what she said	first of all... there is absolutely no reason to make things so complicated. all these issues are things you'll have to work through, and hopefully you'll learn something in the process. i had a friend like your 9th grade friend... i never understood why he began to pick on me and make fun of me, but my 7th and 8th grade years were hell thanks to him. eventually i found enough strength within myself to not only make new friends, but that same guy ended up becoming one of my best high school friends. the point is that people that age are just too immature to be taken seriously... don't let them get to you because their opinion means nothing in the long run. as for julia... your attraction to her is natural. she's probably one of the few girls who's shown you any attention and kindness in the past few years, so you latch onto that and begin planning your future with her in your mind... but she just wants to be friends. you've been through this with her before and it didn't work out... and yet you're going through the same pattern again. to have any kind of lasting relationship (with any girl, not just julia) you need to work on your self esteem and build up some confidence... otherwise you'll just get walked on like a rug. julia seems like a great friend and i bet she'd help you out with that if you asked her to.

04-15-2005, 08:20 PM	#6 (permalink)
AndTylerToo Tilted Location: Ann Arbor, MI	My friends are actually really great, and I don't get made fun of, or anything like that at all. I'm friends with many of her friends, (which makes them my friends I guess )and shes not the only girl that shows me attention, and that I'm friends with by far, but she's definately the first TRUE girl friend that I've had, where I'd do stuff with just her, as opposed to her and a group of people. And formernewt, I think its fairly clear that she's only interested in being friends. Plus, I know, very clearly that I need to get past the betrayal and paranoia, which hasn't been as bad as it once was lately, but is still a problem. I personally see counseling as a last resort, because I just don't like the thought of being mentally disected by someone I don't know. But if anyone has good experiences with couselors or therapists, please tell me what they're like, I am a bit curious. Right now I'm pretty much just looking for a way to get past it on my own, but with how long its been going on I don't know that I have the strength for it, which, it itself is a kinda depressing notion . But thanks for the comments guys.

04-22-2005, 05:52 PM	#8 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	I went through a similar experience in high school, having no friends for about a year and a half. To answer the paranoia/low self esteem question I've found what worls best is to move slowly with every encounter. Don't reveal too much personal information with friends or potential loves interests, let it all unravel slowly and in its own time. You'll create solid friendships that way, when trust is slowly built up over time it becomes very strong. If you feel paranoied about one of your friends take a step back and think logically. Write it down or put it out of your head. Feelings of paranoia and insecurity usually stem from overthinking a situation. The term "sleep on it" is a cliché but it's great advice. You'll have a whole new perspective in the morning. I'm kind of rambling but hopefully that'll help some aspects.