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AndTylerToo · 04-14-2005, 06:01 PM

Hey, this is pretty complicated, and I've found from the people that I've talked about it with that it's also pretty confusing, just a heads up

.
Anyway, about a year ago one of my friends, Mark, met a girl in his lit class, Julia, and thought she was cool, so they started hanging out, and Mark and I are best friends, which means that all 3 of us started hanging out.
She's really cool, and we hit it off, and started doing more stuff together. After about a month, I started to develop feelings for her, that kept stewing, and built up more over the summer, and I finally told her how I felt in September. She told me that she just wanted to be friends, and, interestingly, actually meant it. I thought that I'd be fine with it, but for some reason I couldn't get it out of my head that there was some awkwardness between us, even though there wasn't.
Plus, when I was in highschool, 9th grade to be exact, I only had one friend, just after a move, and he and I were friends for a long while, and just out of nowhere he stopped talking to me, and started ignoring me totally. Naturally I was hurt, and until about the last month of school, I just wandered aimlessly, without any friends, during which time, I also found that he spread rumors about me being gay... which I've never understood... but at the end of that year I started hanging out with Mark, and we've been great friends since then.
That was kinda to explain my perceived awkwardness. Because of that friendship, I can often get paranoid and afraid that a friend isn't being sincere, and just have general low self esteem from time to time. Well I started freaking out that Mark and Julia were going out with each other behind my back, all because my paranoia was slowing down our advance in friendship, while their'd advanced just fine. This continued for months, when stuff kept building up, and after talking to Mark and Julia seperately about some of the smaller problems, I decided that I wanted to talk with Julia and explain it all and get it all out there and settle things. She said that she was busy that day, but that she would call me when she was done, because she was getting ready to go on vacation. This is in December. Well, I waited the entire day, and it gets late, and think that she isn't gonna call, so I explode and sent 2 really nasty emails, which I promptly regretted, and not 2 minutes after I sent them she called!

Even I have to laugh at how bad timing that is... but I was too afraid to pick up and felt really guilty, needless to say she found the email and responded saying that she thought that everything was fine, and that I need to get over whatever is my problem, and that we might not be suitable friends, because some people just aren't (paraphrasing). Over the next two days, I wrote a huge email to say everything that I wanted to talk to her about, and explained that. When we got back from winter break, all was fine for a while, things were back to normal, and 3 weeks later, we hung out one weekend, and later in the night when most of the people had left, we went sledding near her house and just played in the snow. I left her that night thinking that I might love her, and woke up the next morning sure of it. In her email she spoke of being truthful, so I waited until the next day so I could tell her in person, and told her that I loved her. She said that it was so sweet, and thank you, pretty much what I was expecting. After that got out everything was fine again, but then, what I was paranoid about, Mark and Julia going out, started coming true, they were all over each other, groping and cuddling during movies and stuff, just really playful. Then the day after his birthday, I found out that she liked Mark, a recent development, and she had told him.
Very confusing pseudo-love triangle. Well, things escalated with them, and a month later the question of them going out came up, I did something that was so hard for me, and told Mark to go for it because I thought that it'd make both of them happy. They did, and were together for about a month, before realizing that they prefered just being friends. That was one of the hardest months of my life, hearing about and watching and knowing that my best friend was going out with the girl that I loved.
Well, now we're reaching the overall point of the thread, time has passed between then, and Julia and I have gotten really close, doing stuff alone all the time, spending entire days together sometimes, but my friends betrayal keeps coming back to me (9th grade) and I have such insecurities about our friendship, when I really have no need to be. I was just wondering if anyone here had any advice as how to proceed, and how to maybe get past my irrational paranoia/low self esteem when it comes to us, because I keep having periods where its good and then go through periods where its bad, and no matter what I do it seems to keep coming back. Thanks for reading through all of it, and any advice whatsoever is appreciated.

04-14-2005, 06:01 PM	#1 (permalink)
AndTylerToo Tilted Location: Ann Arbor, MI	Insecurity with a relationship Hey, this is pretty complicated, and I've found from the people that I've talked about it with that it's also pretty confusing, just a heads up . Anyway, about a year ago one of my friends, Mark, met a girl in his lit class, Julia, and thought she was cool, so they started hanging out, and Mark and I are best friends, which means that all 3 of us started hanging out. She's really cool, and we hit it off, and started doing more stuff together. After about a month, I started to develop feelings for her, that kept stewing, and built up more over the summer, and I finally told her how I felt in September. She told me that she just wanted to be friends, and, interestingly, actually meant it. I thought that I'd be fine with it, but for some reason I couldn't get it out of my head that there was some awkwardness between us, even though there wasn't. Plus, when I was in highschool, 9th grade to be exact, I only had one friend, just after a move, and he and I were friends for a long while, and just out of nowhere he stopped talking to me, and started ignoring me totally. Naturally I was hurt, and until about the last month of school, I just wandered aimlessly, without any friends, during which time, I also found that he spread rumors about me being gay... which I've never understood... but at the end of that year I started hanging out with Mark, and we've been great friends since then. That was kinda to explain my perceived awkwardness. Because of that friendship, I can often get paranoid and afraid that a friend isn't being sincere, and just have general low self esteem from time to time. Well I started freaking out that Mark and Julia were going out with each other behind my back, all because my paranoia was slowing down our advance in friendship, while their'd advanced just fine. This continued for months, when stuff kept building up, and after talking to Mark and Julia seperately about some of the smaller problems, I decided that I wanted to talk with Julia and explain it all and get it all out there and settle things. She said that she was busy that day, but that she would call me when she was done, because she was getting ready to go on vacation. This is in December. Well, I waited the entire day, and it gets late, and think that she isn't gonna call, so I explode and sent 2 really nasty emails, which I promptly regretted, and not 2 minutes after I sent them she called! Even I have to laugh at how bad timing that is... but I was too afraid to pick up and felt really guilty, needless to say she found the email and responded saying that she thought that everything was fine, and that I need to get over whatever is my problem, and that we might not be suitable friends, because some people just aren't (paraphrasing). Over the next two days, I wrote a huge email to say everything that I wanted to talk to her about, and explained that. When we got back from winter break, all was fine for a while, things were back to normal, and 3 weeks later, we hung out one weekend, and later in the night when most of the people had left, we went sledding near her house and just played in the snow. I left her that night thinking that I might love her, and woke up the next morning sure of it. In her email she spoke of being truthful, so I waited until the next day so I could tell her in person, and told her that I loved her. She said that it was so sweet, and thank you, pretty much what I was expecting. After that got out everything was fine again, but then, what I was paranoid about, Mark and Julia going out, started coming true, they were all over each other, groping and cuddling during movies and stuff, just really playful. Then the day after his birthday, I found out that she liked Mark, a recent development, and she had told him. Very confusing pseudo-love triangle. Well, things escalated with them, and a month later the question of them going out came up, I did something that was so hard for me, and told Mark to go for it because I thought that it'd make both of them happy. They did, and were together for about a month, before realizing that they prefered just being friends. That was one of the hardest months of my life, hearing about and watching and knowing that my best friend was going out with the girl that I loved. Well, now we're reaching the overall point of the thread, time has passed between then, and Julia and I have gotten really close, doing stuff alone all the time, spending entire days together sometimes, but my friends betrayal keeps coming back to me (9th grade) and I have such insecurities about our friendship, when I really have no need to be. I was just wondering if anyone here had any advice as how to proceed, and how to maybe get past my irrational paranoia/low self esteem when it comes to us, because I keep having periods where its good and then go through periods where its bad, and no matter what I do it seems to keep coming back. Thanks for reading through all of it, and any advice whatsoever is appreciated.