joofoo

...if she still wants to be with me. Let me give a little back story here and get your thoughts, opinions on what I can do 'win' her heart back.

We've been married for a little more than ten years. (It was ten years in January). We've have our ups and downs as all marriages have, but generally speaking more good than bad. So on to my story... its long so please bear with me.

In August of 2003, my wife and my two children moved back to our home state of Kansas City without me. At the time I couldn't leave Texas because three years earlier I had messed up bad and got myself charged with a felony charge of theft of trade secrets, a plea agreement was setup with seven years of probation, 400 hours of community service and hefty fine. In Texas once you serve two-thirds of your time and have completed all your community service you can then petition the courts to terminate your sentence early (99% of the time they will in a non-violent case and mine was) So our logic was to get our oldest child into school, and me being alone in Texas I could bang out my community service and come March the following year I would petition the court and I would be up there. (In the meantime I would be making visits to see them and they would come to see me) Well come March I went to the probation people and said I have all my stuff done, and they informed me that no, I still had like eighty hours left. Somehow somewhere my hours I did got lost, or misdated or whatever.

So back I went back on working the hours off, and come June I thought I was done again, and guess what? Nope, still forty hours left. At this point, after almost an entire year apart our marriage was already starting to show signs of wear and tear. So I told her that I had more to do but would get them done, and come September would get my lawyer to petition the court finally. Well, I was in such bad shape from missing my wife and kids that I never finished the last forty hours. But I kept telling her I was doing them, and that come September we would be together again. Bam, right there if I had just been honest, things would not be where they are now. But instead I chose to lie to her, and kept lying right through September. Telling her that the lawyer had filed the papers, but we were waiting on the court or the probation people. More lying ensued until finally in the first of November she called my lawyer and he told her that I hadn't contacted him yet, and she realized that I had been lying to her. So that night we had a long, soul searching phone conversation, I admitted to every little lie I had ever told her, and she revealed a bombshell of a lie that she hadn't told me. Needless to say at the end of the conversation we both agreed a clean slate was set upon as and that would we forgive each other and move on.

So all seemed fine, I was up visiting twice in December for my sons birthday and Christmas and all seemed well. Then in mid February (still waiting on the probation people to say times are done) she comes back and tells me that she is very upset with me, and that she doesn't know if she wants to be with me any longer. Once again we have a long talk and at the end, we seem like it will take sometime, but that once I get up there we will go back to work on our marriage. So two weeks later I go up to see the family and she drops the hammer on me... she tells me that she loves me but she's not in love me with me. My heart officially breaks, she tells me that right now she doesn't know if she wants to be with me, that she’s happy without me, and that I’ve bruised her heart and she doesn't know if it can be healed. By the end of the trip, she seems like she wants to try and work things out, but she needs time and for me to be patient with her. So I get back home and find out that finally the court has set a date of March 8th to decide my fate and possibly my marriage. Now since I've been back, on the phone she seems, distant and cold, and downright mean. My already low self-esteem and self-confidence are falling like a rock. We talk every few days, but I generally come to dread them because I come out of them feeling worse about myself and my situation.

Now my question to all you fine folks is this... what do I need to do to prove to her that I love her, and help heal her bruised heart? Can it be done at all? Does she just need time like she tells me? Or am I just missing something and this rudeness, coldness of hers just trying to get me to say forget it and leave so she doesn't have to do it? Any thoughts, suggestions, advice would be appreciated. I love, and adore her and don't want to lose her! Thanks!

- Kevin

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joofoo

bad jane

if i were her, i'd be pissed too. best advice i can give you--go home. apologize and be prepared to take some crap in a variety of forms. even if she can/does get over it, she's going to be angry for a while.

while i understand you felt fed up with your situation and slacked off--think of how she's going to take that. you could be with her, but you chose not to make it happen. while you were both making sacrifices i'm sure, hers revolved around what you were telling her. she was trying to support you and prolly saw your actions as a way of you telling her that you were in no rush to be with her and the kids.

she's had what? 6, 7 months of it just being her and the kids? much of that by your choice. and now you're about to come "home" and play like everything is ok (thinking of this from her perspective here!). she wanted you, she needed you and you not only let her down you lied about it. she's mad--really mad. and the trust issue is big. how does she know you won't pull a stunt like that again?

you have a lot to work through and i wish you all the best. go home and be patient with her. if you can afford counseling, you might wanna give it a try. prolly not a bad idea to think long and hard about why you lied as well, cause if she's anything like the majority of women, she's going to want to know.

BurntToast

I agree with everything bad jane said. Even though probation screwed up you had plenty of time to get the hours done. She has been raising your 2 kids for (if I am reading it right) a year and a half now, waiting for you to get your stuff done, thinking for the whole time that you would be done soon, and then she hears you were lying for half the time. She probably thinks that the probation screw ups were lies too and that in turn probably makes her wonder what you HAVE been doing with your time. Possibly, she may even think that you really don't WANT to come home.

I think counseling would be the best route, maybe personal counseling and marriage counseling.

If you give her time and show her love and support, hopefully she can forgive (we all know you can never forget). If she doesn't come around then there isn't much you can do about it except start the rebuilding process.

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GoldenOuroboros

Mate.. you need to be taken out back and slapped.. hard.. As the other two have said you've had pleeennty of time to do those hours "busy, couldn't be bothered, slack" If you loved your wife and kids you'd try and get them over and done with ASAP

O_o

Get things done, get htem out of the way.. get there and save your marriage!

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sbscout

[QUOTE=...three years earlier I had messed up bad and got myself charged with a felony charge of theft of trade secrets, a plea agreement was setup with seven years of probation, 400 hours of community service and hefty fine. - Kevin[/QUOTE]
THREE YEARS AGO!?! What took you so long to do your community service?
You blame the system for losing track of your hours... you lost track of them for years! In my opinion, you need to look in a mirror to find the person to blame... and only you. Your wife and kids have moved on. You're the one standing still... suffering from the aftermath of YOUR actions in your job. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get your affairs in order, move to Kansas City and crawl back to your family on your hands and knees. They deserve better than they've gotten from you so far. Show them that you're willing to fight...not whine.

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Aladdin Sane

I wanna start by saying that I think you are brave, and have taken a step in the right direction, by telling your story here. But you've got some serious soul-searching to do.
I can't understand why you didn't do your hours. There's something you're not telling. How hard is it to do community service? What the hell were you doing when you should've been doing your community service? Are you an alcoholic? Addicted to something else? And why did you lie to your wife? I don't get it. She's not your mother, she's your wife. What did you think would happen when September arrived? She would forget what you had told her? I don't mean to be ragging on you; I just don't understand your actions. I'll say it again-- there's a lot to your story that you aren't telling.

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william

The road you chose is your own. Don't blame her or anyone else, you slack mother. You left her to deal w/her own devices. She's doing that - so leave her alone.

joofoo

Just wanted to thank everyone for their comments... while some of them stung, I deserve them all. To answer a couple questions that were raised... I'm not an alcoholic, drug addict or anything else. There is also no other woman.

Someone asked why it took so long to get the hours done, and I don't have a good reason or excuse other than I work 50-60 hours a week meaning I had to do my service on the weekends. If my priorities would have been straight I would have taken the time off work or done whatever to make sure I could get the time done, but I didn't.

I also didn't mean to come across like I was whining or complaining, as I not. I fucked up, big time. I broke the heart of the person I treasure more than anyone. I have no one to blame but myself...

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions and words, I'll post back when I get to Kansas City (hopefully in the next couple weeks) and letcha all know the outcome. Thanks again.

- Kevin

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joofoo

joofoo

Final update on this post, we had a long talk last night and she decided that she was done. I want to thank all that took a moment to share their thoughts on this thread.

- Kevin

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joofoo

bad jane

kevin, i'm really sorry to hear that. i hope you guys can work through all this and maintain some type of relationship if only for the sake of your kids.

joofoo

Jane,

That's exactly our plan, we are not angry at each other and we were very good friends before marriage and hopefully we can continue to be after marriage. Thanks again for the straight forward comments before, it was apprericated.

- Kevin

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joofoo

lindseylatch

Hey, for all you guys that got really pissed of at our mate, Kevin:
It's called depression folks, and it SUCKS ASS. It's exactly as he described. You know you need to go get it done, but you just don't. There's no logical reason, you just don't do anything. And, of course, since you don't have a good reason, what do you tell people? Of course, you lie. Then you feel bad about lying, so your depression gets worse.
I also did one of the most horrible things in my life when i was depressed...I neglected a group of horses for a WEEK. No food, didn't check their water, nothing. If something had happened to them I wouldn't even have known.
Thankfully, my mother realized that I was severely depressed, and got me on meds. I think the bawling fit probably helped. Now, that's not an excuse, but it's a reason. And since Kevin was all alone, probably isolated from everyone, definitely from his wife, no one was able to see the signs.
Depression sucks, and it takes a long time to get over what you do when you're in that state of mind. I wish your wife was more understanding of where you were coming from. But, therapy and medication can be really helpful. Please, get help, stop the spiral.

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Wayngo

What was the bombshell that she dropped on you?