FaderMonkey

So, I've been dating my girlfriend for about 7 months. It's a long distance relationship. She goes to school in Nebraska and I live in Florida. We've managed to visit each other about every other month. Anyway...I'm at a point now that I realize, or at least I think I realize, that I've been lying to myself about the relationsip. I tell her that I love her, but I don't know that I'm really in love with her and don't know that I really ever have been. We have a very sexual relationship and I think for me that maybe that's all it really is. The sex is fantastic, but I'm afraid that's all it is for me.

So, I'm having thoughts that I'm going to breakup with her, but I'm honestly so frightened to do it. I don't think she'll take it well...I'll end up doing it over the phone and not in person...her birthday is in two days...she also already has plane tickets to come visit me in March for her spring break...I don't think she'll expect it at all. All of my friends tell me that I should do what will make me happy even if it is going to hurt her at first. I know they are right, but I'm still scared.

Anyone ever been in a situation somewhat like this.? Any advice?

TheWalkinDude

If you really feel your relationship is just about sex, and that you aren't really in love with her, it might be best to end it given the fact that you only see each other every two months.

How do you think she feels about your relationship? Is it just about sex to her or do you think she is in love with you? Why don't you use your time together in March to find this out? If it turns out you both feel the same way and come to a mutual decision to split up, it'll be a lot better than dumping her over the phone.

I don't have any experience with long-distance relationships so I can't really relate, but I hope this helps nonetheless

hambone

I would be honest with her about your concerns with the relationship. Tell her that you think you may only be in it for sex (maybe don't use those words).

As I am sure will be said over and over again, communicating with her is the only way to go. Don't assume you know her views on the situation, cause they could be way different that what you think.

__________________
"Like liquid white from fallen glass,
Nothing to cry over"

FaderMonkey

Well, as hambone says, I shouldn't assume I know her views on the situation cause I may be wrong. But, I'm pretty certain she is very much in love with me. The reason I wouldn't wait and see how her visit in March goes is because I pretty much approached her last visit that way. She was here a couple weeks ago for my birthday. I thought that maybe with her here I would feel differently, but I didn't really. I don't believe I'll have any realizations during her visit in March and really don't think we would come to a mutual decision to split up.

hossified

whether you concsiously know it or not, sounds like you've already written her off. Tell her the truth....that the feeling isn't there anymore....don't feel guilty, long distance relationships are tough. If you feel real bad about her plane ticket, maybe offer to pay for half?

c172g

Not that everyone has the same experience I did, but I knew I was going to marry my wife after our third date. I dated several people before & so did she. When we started dating, it was a very strange feeling to know I'd spend the rest of my life with her & we hadn't even really done much sexually at that point (I think that came in about the fifth date or so). Anyway, 13 years later, two kids, a dog & everything else that goes with it, we're still like two teenagers, head over heels in love. If you have doubts, I'd cut the cord & move on.

Unless, of course, the sex is REALLY great. Then it's OK to hang out on a highway that goes nowhere.

k9trainingbiz

As a woman with lots of experience with relationships, let me tell you - you are most certainly NOT in love with her, or you wouldn't even have to wonder. It's not going to come back either. You are using her, and the longer you do, the more it will hurt her when you end it. Ending a relationship need not be "mutual". That's why it is difficult. I understand you don't want to hurt her, but this will end anyway, don't waste your (or her) time. Move on and learn from the experience. You will have even better sex with someone you DO love.

Acetylene

Long distance relationships are miserable IMHO. I don't know anyone who has had one and been happy or even remotely satisfied with it. You don't get enough of anything--hugs, playtime, sex, cuddles--so you are always feeling "needy" and can't relate properly.

The death throes of a relationship can go on for years and years before one of you gets the guts to end it. The only question is, how much more time do you want to waste?

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

abaya

Not ALL long-distance relationships need to be miserable! Yeah, people do get more needy with distance (I definitely do), but every relationship has its ups and downs, no matter how geographically close or far apart the people involved. So it's just about learning to deal with the circumstances as best you can.

I guess it depends on #1 how in love you are, #2 how much you love each other and are committed to putting the work in (e.g. making up for physical closeness with even greater emotional closeness/sharing), #3 how long the separation will be, and #4 how far apart you will be.

I'm right in the middle of learning to deal with a long-term, mid-distance (3 hours' drive) relationship. I know that I couldn't have dealt with a super-long-distance deal (as in, different countries for possibly months in between)... but I think that if you are with the right person, you will find ways to manage that distance. We're working on it, though that doesn't mean easy answers for everything.

greeneyes

My boyfriend was in almost the exact same situation as you are with his girlfriend right before me. He cared for her, but knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere. She was crazy in love with him and so he didn't want to hurt her. They saw each other every couple of months during which he would pretend everything was ok because it was the only time he ever got to see her. He wanted to tell her, but she had plane tickets to fly out and see him... should he tell her before she flies out, or after? Should he break up with her at all?

And you know what happened? Me. And he cheated on her with me and it was bad and people got more hurt than they should have and it was a tough way for us to start a relationship and blah, blah, blah.

So my advice is to talk to her, tell her what you think. The small bit of pain that is caused now is worth not breaking anyone's heart later.

Good luck.

__________________
Put the blame on me
So you don't feel a thing

Go on and save yourself
Take it out on me

william

Knucklehead - is it stand up time or not? It's time to tell her you want to move on. Why do you need to ask a forum for approval? Do you think others will stand w/you?

HalcyonDaze

If you have doubts about her, and your doubts continued all the way through one of her visits, they're not going to go away. If you break up with her, you may realize it was stupid later on, but you're at the point where you're not going to be happy with her no matter what.

Once you get it into your head that something's wrong, it doesn't get better.

I've been on the receiving end of this, and it sucks. But (unless you're a better actor than my girlfriend was, and she was an actress) your girlfriend can probably tell SOMETHING's wrong, she just doesn't know what. If you break up with her she'll be devastated for a while and then realize you were a douchebag and move on (even if you weren't really a douchebag, she'll realize that you were).

She'll be fine--just don't expect to be friends with her or anything. You told her you were in love with her long enough that it constitutes a pretty major betrayal at this point to say "I'm sorry, I wasn't, we need to break up." She'll hate you, and rightly so, but it's even worse to KEEP leading her on like this.

World's King

As a man little to no real emotion it's hard to understand what's goin' on in my head.


I've been in this situation before. You get to this point that you should be in love with the person so you say you are with hopes that it comes true. It never does. So, one day six month later you wake up and realize you couldn't give a shit if you ever saw this person again. And you still have to tell them you love them even though it pains you on the inside. It's just because you don't love them doesn't mean you don't care... that why you don't flat out say, "Grab you shit and get the fuck outta my house."


It's a tough one.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

abaya

Original King, what's the difference between what you're saying, and what happens in any relationship with its ups and downs? I'd think that even some married couples go through these times of REALLY not liking their partner, but then because of their commitment (and a mutual desire to really work hard on being in love again, not just tolerating each other), they can renew their relationship. I always thought this was a normal part of relationships and being human, but maybe I am deluded... ? Where is the line between loving someone and only caring about them?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

World's King

Being someone that doesn't really see the in importance in marriage...


See, if you wake up in the morning and look at your wife and the you realize that you don't love her, your problems are bigger than, "why won't you take out the garbage?" So, yeah... you look at your past and ask yourself why you're with this person and after a long list of pros and cons, a few bottles of Jack, and a carton of Reds you realize you couldn't give a shit about her and all you really wanna do is fulfill your dream of playing Peter Pan on Broadway... Then you leave. But if after all that you realize that you really do love her and that feeling you had was probably from the Tai food you had for lunch the day before... Then everything is fine and you continue to ignore how much her ass has grown since the second kid.

There is no difference. I was just stating.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

jaypc2

talk to her, tell her how you feel. see what she wants to do with the relationship. she could be at the same place you are right now but shes just faking it kinda like you are right now. I have been in this same type of situation before and i talked to her and it all seemed to work out fine. im married now and she's now my beautiful wife and things couldn't be better. I'm the happiest ive ever been (and to think i almost ended this with her because i was to afraid to talk to her and work these things out). You're probably feeling detatched from her because your missing alot of the other things that go with a relationship (the things other than sex).

__________________
Zero Cool
stay sexy

GetRdone

I used to be in a somewhat similar situation. My relationship is not as long, but only one of us has a car, so that makes the distance seem greater. She was my first girl, and when i left for university we broke up, so we could experience college without "tie downs" . Turns out we couldnt bear to be apart and we ended up getting back together. Sometimes you gotta do what your heart tells u, in my case i was lucky and we ended up back together.

__________________
Revere Jena Malone.......this is not a suggestion.