I'm in need of (some more) advices, please help. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

KellyC · 01-28-2005, 01:42 PM

Hi people, I'm facing with another problem. For those who think my last one is a tough nut (here: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=79001), this one is even greater. I'll try to be brief about it...

So I asked for some advices last month about a girl I really like, I got some solid advices and decided to go for it. We've been dating for a month now, and it's been tough, really tough. But still, I'm determined to make it work because I love this girl so much and am willing to do anything for her.

Here's the problem: She loves me more than I love her. I checked with her friends and they verify it and called me a lucky bastard because I won so much affection from her, which I admit I am. But because she loves me so much, she develops this fear of hurting me and she couldn't live with herself if she ever did hurt me. That fear in turn made her hold back expressing all her love to me. And because of that, she wanted to break up with me. Why? Because she rather that I be hurt a little bit now than be hurt a lot, a lot more in the future, which according to her, will happen. Since we only dated for a short period of time, we are not deeply attached yet so it's easier to let go. (She reasons that there are other girls out there for me who can love me better than she can and that I need to explore and she feels like she's wasting my time and holding me back from doing all that. Well, I couldn't possibly careless for other girls, nor do I want to explore either because I have her and she's definitly not holding me back. I told her this but she can't help but feel that she's holding me back.)

I talked to her about this and have tried everything to make her realize that if I get hurt by her, it would be ok, I wouldn't hate her. But no luck. She is so desperate for the break up that she even made plans to move across the country to avoid me. Hoping that I would hate her and move on with my life quicker (Keep in mind that she's 4 yrs older than me and has the financial capabilities to do so, plus she's doing it with her ex BF [this guy still loves her very much, a lot more than I do and had even asked her to marry him])

Of course, I was traumatized when I hear this news so I talked to her girl friend about it to see what's going on. We talked about her and how she felt and her friend yelled at me for being an idiot for not knowing how to love her. Her friend told me that my gf think she's wasting her time with me because she loves me a lot and I cannot return the same amount of love. I thought about it, and it's true. But in truth, my gf never think like this. Her friend lied to me so I would agree to break up with her. Her lie made me feel really bad and made me realize how selfish I was.

Also at the same time, put two thoughts in my head: 1) What's best for my gf, which would be to break up so that other guys can come in and do a better job of loving her than me (this would be where her EX came in and take my place). And 2) What my heart desires, which is to be with her, my happiness. While talking to her friend and wrestling with these two decisions, her friend immediately tell my girl friend that I opted option 1, I couldn't stop her in time...

So my gf instant message me via Yahoo Messenger and talked about it. I told her what her friend told me, she say her friend lied to me. Thus, I made a mistake of agreeing to break up with my gf because of a lie. This is something that's going to haunt me for a really long time, if not for the rest of my life. But alas, the two thoughts that's in my head are still struggling with each other. What's best for her vs. my happiness. I'm seeing my gf (or ex gf) in a couple hours hoping to reverse the break up but these two thoughts are so conflicting it's making me go crazy.

So what should I do? Choose what's best for her and forever live with a regret that I let a perfect girl go. Or my heart's desire, to be with her and be happy?

I've been thinking about this all night last night and mostly all morning long, it's so frustrating....please help.

I hope the above makes sense to you all. I apologize if there's any confusion, just ask and I'll clear it up. Thank for you reading.

Gonth · 01-28-2005, 03:41 PM

Work like you don't need the money
Dance like no one is watching
And love like you've never been hurt

my mother found a frame with this on it somewhere once, and i've always liked it.
If shes going into a new relationship and already thinking about the breakup. ouch
i having a hard time thinking how that's gonna work out unless you can convice her that you love her and don't want anyone else. tell her to go with her feelings, and not her thoughts i'd say, almost sounds like she's over-thinking everything, i think there's another word for that...lol. if she loves you, and you love her, go after her with all you can. i can see where your coming from though, if you convice her to stay with you, and then somewhere down the road you break up, it'd be rough. Without a doubt. But still, it sounds like you two really fit together and do love each other.

tecoyah · 01-28-2005, 03:57 PM

RUN...........................

KellyC · 01-28-2005, 04:00 PM

I don't get it, why run? I'm trying to solve this thing so I wouldn't regret my decision later on, which I think I would. Running wouldn't do any good.

nickynicole · 01-28-2005, 04:06 PM

I think he's saying run because of the short length of dating time preceding this pivitol point. I would be a bit surprised that after only one month, she loves you so much that it's hurting your relationship.

I don't think you can force someone to see this, but relationships can be wonderful, even if they end. If a life ends with a horrible death, it's still worth living.

I used to be alot like your girlfriend, though I was more afraid of hurting myself than someone else. It sounds odd, but there's a passage in the book "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint Exupery that totally changed my mind. I'm going to be really cheesy and post that passage.

Quote:

But if you tame me,
it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life.
I shall know the sound of a step that will be
different from all the others.
Other steps send me hurrying back
underneath the ground.
Yours will call me, like music out of my burrow.
And then look:
you see the grain-fields down yonder?
I do not eat bread.
Wheat is of no use to me.
The wheat fields have nothing to say to me.
And that is sad.
But you have hair that is the color of gold.
Think how wonderful that will be
when you have tamed me!
The grain, which is also golden,
will bring me back the thought of you.
And I shall love to listen
to the wind in the wheat. . ."

...

So the little prince tamed the fox.
And when the hour of his departure drew near---

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince.
"I never wished you any sort of harm;
but you wanted me to tame you. . ."

"Yes that is so", said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!"
said the little prince.

"Yes that is so" said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox,
"because of the color of the wheat fields."

KellyC · 01-28-2005, 05:24 PM

OK...I'm going to see her now. I haven't read anything useful so far yet, but thanks for trying any way guys. Wish me luck.

spincycle0 · 01-28-2005, 05:37 PM

good luck man. Sounds like she may have issues, but if it's meant to be it will work out for you.

pmmq · 01-28-2005, 06:46 PM

Kellyc- I disagree that you haven't read anything useful yet. You just ahven't heard what you want to hear, which is how to win her over. The best advice you can be given? RUN! I have been there, buddy. Trust me- she isn't ready for you, and in the long RUN! you will be better off with someone who is betterable to handle the pressures of dating. One of these days, you will RUN! into a gal who will be where you need her to be emotionally and you won't have to mold her into what you want her to be. She is out there- you can avoid yourself a lot of heartache later by cutting her loose now, as painful as it is. If you manage to woo her back to you, you will find that this kinda crap keeps popping up because ahe is not able to deal with your relationship- and probably not anyone else's either. Trust me- I have been there. (BTW- did I forget to say "RUN!" ????)

Sage · 01-28-2005, 08:52 PM

i say she's a nutcase, perhaps not on a concious level, but she's been with you a month. i know some people move faster in relationships than others, but it seems to me that she's playing you like a harmonica. take a deep breath, let her do her thing, then go find a woman that isn't emotionally disturbed and who will be able to love you on a equal level. it seems to me she's just looking for a way to get out of a reltationship she's gotten in to too much, and is using the "i love you too much" card to bow out semi gracefully so she can move with her ex. cut your losses, get over it, be better for it. good luck with the next gal!

Vincentt · 01-28-2005, 10:12 PM

To me... it sounds like an addiction to drama, both you and her. Really reminds me of high school shit. The “I love you too much” that’s bullshit. This also has manic or bipolar written all over it.

The way you always say “I screwed up” or “she got so upset she lost 5 pounds” … honestly now…

She is playing you. And, she is really enjoying it. Maybe you enjoy being played? The drama gives something interesting to your lives.

Now she can talk all about how much she is tortured by love to her friends and they all ask her “what’s going on today.”

I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear, and maybe I’m off base. Nevertheless, I will agree “RUN!” move on and get a new girl. A normal relationship will not be as wild a ride, but suffering doesn’t have to be part of the deal.

Sweetpea · 01-28-2005, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vincentt

To me... it sounds like an addiction to drama, both you and her. Really reminds me of high school shit. The “I love you too much” that’s bullshit. This also has manic or bipolar written all over it.

The way you always say “I screwed up” or “she got so upset she lost 5 pounds” … honestly now…

She is playing you. And, she is really enjoying it. Maybe you enjoy being played? The drama gives something interesting to your lives.

Now she can talk all about how much she is tortured by love to her friends and they all ask her “what’s going on today.”

I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear, and maybe I’m off base. Nevertheless, I will agree “RUN!” move on and get a new girl. A normal relationship will not be as wild a ride, but suffering doesn’t have to be part of the deal.

Vincentt has some excellent points here . . . although i don't think it's " high school shit " at all, that was a bit harsh . . . it just seems as if you've gotten yourself in head over heels in drama . . .

And if it's meant to be, you'll both mature with time and be able to sustain a relationship not based on drama, but rather on mutual respect and understanding. LOVE is NOT what makes a serious relationship work, my hubby and i haven't been sucessfully married for so long because we LOVE each other so much, that actually doesn't even compute into the equation for a serious committment . . . communication, respect and honesty lead to the stability you are looking for. This woman is NOT respecting you with her actions . . . I feel that if you want a stable, meaningful relationship, this might not be the woman for you . . . if she wants to go . . . you can't make her stay. Move on my friend and find someone who suits you better, aka minus the drama . . .

Peace, we're here for you

. . . keep asking us questions and responding, even if we say things you don't want to here . . . we're not the Psychic hotline

Sweetpea · 01-28-2005, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nickynicole

It sounds odd, but there's a passage in the book "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint Exupery that totally changed my mind. I'm going to be really cheesy and post that passage.

That was interesting nickynicole, thanks for posting it . . .

kennyg9 · 01-29-2005, 12:19 AM

Women don't know how to say what they "really" feel to men. If you ask a girl for a number and she doesn't want you to have it....she'll say something to the effect of " sorry, i lost my phone", or "sorry I don't have a phone" , or "Sorry I'm dating someone else." Neither line is true....but women cannot just say they don't like you. They are not direct.

So heres my take...and think about this seriously. I think she wanted it to end but didn't know how to say it, so she's coming up with this story. I think you really need to consider this. If she really liked you as much as she says....I find it hard to believe she'd give up on you so easily..after one month.

KellyC · 01-29-2005, 12:35 PM

Thanks for the replies everyone. While I appreciate your honesty and good intentions, I can't help but be a bit disturb on what some of you say about her. She's not like that at all. She's a very kind girl with a very big heart, and also very sensitive. She's not playing me and she does not have any "issues." I'm sure of this. I would spot it right away when I first chat with her and would stay the hell away. But as I get to know her more, I see how wonderful she is and began to fall for her. Believe me when I say she's the greatest girl in the world.

Any ways....

So I just got home from seeing her, and I have to say I am damn happy with the outcome. Tottally unexpected. We met at around 6:30, drive to down town to have dinner. Then after dinner, I took her to the usual place where we hang out. At the time, I was so down thinking that this may be the last night I ever see her again, I hugged her and didn't want to let her go. I did this for about an hour and out of pity or something, she say yes, she'll be my girlfriend again. I was so happy I spent the whole night with her. It wasn't until 10 am, (which is just a mere two hours ago) that she told me she lied to make me happy, and it worked. Again, I was down. This time I couldn't handle it any more, I bursted into tears. And amazingly because of those tears, she agreed to be my gf again. This time for real. I was supposed to be happy, but I couldn't be because I'm still torn with the decision of what's best for her and my own happiness, which is with her. I told her this and she say let her choose for me. Reluctantly, I did.

AND SHE CHOOSES ME!!!!

Now I'm more happy than a bum who just won a million dollars.

So, the problem as it seems, is solved. I request this thread to be closed.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

*me go to sleep now*

chickentribs · 01-29-2005, 01:49 PM

I can't be the only one asking the question...Shennanigans? Sure was a lot of typing though.

Cimarron29414 · 01-31-2005, 07:02 PM

Wow. I hate to be "farkish", but this seems like an attention whore thread. You put your story out here, ask for advice, don't like the advice you receive, defend the girl that is cheating on you, break up with her, get back with her, break up with her, and get back with her and THEN request for the thread to be closed so no one can post reactions to it.

Now, I will TRY to say something constructive: the right woman will come at the right time and you and she will know it. Until then, it's all practice. This girl seems like really good practice - into which you are more than willing to engage. So please remain self-aware during the experience and learn something, so it will be worthwhile. Good luck.

01-28-2005, 01:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
KellyC Comment or else!! Location: Home sweet home	I'm in need of (some more) advices, please help. Hi people, I'm facing with another problem. For those who think my last one is a tough nut (here: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=79001), this one is even greater. I'll try to be brief about it... So I asked for some advices last month about a girl I really like, I got some solid advices and decided to go for it. We've been dating for a month now, and it's been tough, really tough. But still, I'm determined to make it work because I love this girl so much and am willing to do anything for her. Here's the problem: She loves me more than I love her. I checked with her friends and they verify it and called me a lucky bastard because I won so much affection from her, which I admit I am. But because she loves me so much, she develops this fear of hurting me and she couldn't live with herself if she ever did hurt me. That fear in turn made her hold back expressing all her love to me. And because of that, she wanted to break up with me. Why? Because she rather that I be hurt a little bit now than be hurt a lot, a lot more in the future, which according to her, will happen. Since we only dated for a short period of time, we are not deeply attached yet so it's easier to let go. (She reasons that there are other girls out there for me who can love me better than she can and that I need to explore and she feels like she's wasting my time and holding me back from doing all that. Well, I couldn't possibly careless for other girls, nor do I want to explore either because I have her and she's definitly not holding me back. I told her this but she can't help but feel that she's holding me back.) I talked to her about this and have tried everything to make her realize that if I get hurt by her, it would be ok, I wouldn't hate her. But no luck. She is so desperate for the break up that she even made plans to move across the country to avoid me. Hoping that I would hate her and move on with my life quicker (Keep in mind that she's 4 yrs older than me and has the financial capabilities to do so, plus she's doing it with her ex BF [this guy still loves her very much, a lot more than I do and had even asked her to marry him]) Of course, I was traumatized when I hear this news so I talked to her girl friend about it to see what's going on. We talked about her and how she felt and her friend yelled at me for being an idiot for not knowing how to love her. Her friend told me that my gf think she's wasting her time with me because she loves me a lot and I cannot return the same amount of love. I thought about it, and it's true. But in truth, my gf never think like this. Her friend lied to me so I would agree to break up with her. Her lie made me feel really bad and made me realize how selfish I was. Also at the same time, put two thoughts in my head: 1) What's best for my gf, which would be to break up so that other guys can come in and do a better job of loving her than me (this would be where her EX came in and take my place). And 2) What my heart desires, which is to be with her, my happiness. While talking to her friend and wrestling with these two decisions, her friend immediately tell my girl friend that I opted option 1, I couldn't stop her in time... So my gf instant message me via Yahoo Messenger and talked about it. I told her what her friend told me, she say her friend lied to me. Thus, I made a mistake of agreeing to break up with my gf because of a lie. This is something that's going to haunt me for a really long time, if not for the rest of my life. But alas, the two thoughts that's in my head are still struggling with each other. What's best for her vs. my happiness. I'm seeing my gf (or ex gf) in a couple hours hoping to reverse the break up but these two thoughts are so conflicting it's making me go crazy. So what should I do? Choose what's best for her and forever live with a regret that I let a perfect girl go. Or my heart's desire, to be with her and be happy? I've been thinking about this all night last night and mostly all morning long, it's so frustrating....please help. I hope the above makes sense to you all. I apologize if there's any confusion, just ask and I'll clear it up. Thank for you reading. __________________ Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe? Me: Shit happens. Last edited by KellyC; 01-28-2005 at 02:16 PM..

01-28-2005, 03:57 PM	#3 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	RUN........................... __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

01-28-2005, 04:00 PM	#4 (permalink)
KellyC Comment or else!! Location: Home sweet home	I don't get it, why run? I'm trying to solve this thing so I wouldn't regret my decision later on, which I think I would. Running wouldn't do any good. __________________ Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe? Me: Shit happens.

01-28-2005, 05:24 PM	#6 (permalink)
KellyC Comment or else!! Location: Home sweet home	OK...I'm going to see her now. I haven't read anything useful so far yet, but thanks for trying any way guys. Wish me luck. __________________ Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe? Me: Shit happens.

01-28-2005, 08:52 PM	#9 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	i say she's a nutcase, perhaps not on a concious level, but she's been with you a month. i know some people move faster in relationships than others, but it seems to me that she's playing you like a harmonica. take a deep breath, let her do her thing, then go find a woman that isn't emotionally disturbed and who will be able to love you on a equal level. it seems to me she's just looking for a way to get out of a reltationship she's gotten in to too much, and is using the "i love you too much" card to bow out semi gracefully so she can move with her ex. cut your losses, get over it, be better for it. good luck with the next gal! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

01-28-2005, 03:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
Gonth Upright Location: Home sweet home is Decatur GA, but currently schooling in Rochester NY	Work like you don't need the money Dance like no one is watching And love like you've never been hurt my mother found a frame with this on it somewhere once, and i've always liked it. If shes going into a new relationship and already thinking about the breakup. ouch i having a hard time thinking how that's gonna work out unless you can convice her that you love her and don't want anyone else. tell her to go with her feelings, and not her thoughts i'd say, almost sounds like she's over-thinking everything, i think there's another word for that...lol. if she loves you, and you love her, go after her with all you can. i can see where your coming from though, if you convice her to stay with you, and then somewhere down the road you break up, it'd be rough. Without a doubt. But still, it sounds like you two really fit together and do love each other.

01-28-2005, 05:37 PM	#7 (permalink)
spincycle0 Upright	good luck man. Sounds like she may have issues, but if it's meant to be it will work out for you.

01-28-2005, 06:46 PM	#8 (permalink)
pmmq Upright	Kellyc- I disagree that you haven't read anything useful yet. You just ahven't heard what you want to hear, which is how to win her over. The best advice you can be given? RUN! I have been there, buddy. Trust me- she isn't ready for you, and in the long RUN! you will be better off with someone who is betterable to handle the pressures of dating. One of these days, you will RUN! into a gal who will be where you need her to be emotionally and you won't have to mold her into what you want her to be. She is out there- you can avoid yourself a lot of heartache later by cutting her loose now, as painful as it is. If you manage to woo her back to you, you will find that this kinda crap keeps popping up because ahe is not able to deal with your relationship- and probably not anyone else's either. Trust me- I have been there. (BTW- did I forget to say "RUN!" ????)

01-28-2005, 10:12 PM	#10 (permalink)
Vincentt Addict Location: Tokyo, Japan	To me... it sounds like an addiction to drama, both you and her. Really reminds me of high school shit. The “I love you too much” that’s bullshit. This also has manic or bipolar written all over it. The way you always say “I screwed up” or “she got so upset she lost 5 pounds” … honestly now… She is playing you. And, she is really enjoying it. Maybe you enjoy being played? The drama gives something interesting to your lives. Now she can talk all about how much she is tortured by love to her friends and they all ask her “what’s going on today.” I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear, and maybe I’m off base. Nevertheless, I will agree “RUN!” move on and get a new girl. A normal relationship will not be as wild a ride, but suffering doesn’t have to be part of the deal. __________________ .

01-29-2005, 12:19 AM	#13 (permalink)
kennyg9 Upright Location: north carolina	Women don't know how to say what they "really" feel to men. If you ask a girl for a number and she doesn't want you to have it....she'll say something to the effect of " sorry, i lost my phone", or "sorry I don't have a phone" , or "Sorry I'm dating someone else." Neither line is true....but women cannot just say they don't like you. They are not direct. So heres my take...and think about this seriously. I think she wanted it to end but didn't know how to say it, so she's coming up with this story. I think you really need to consider this. If she really liked you as much as she says....I find it hard to believe she'd give up on you so easily..after one month.

01-29-2005, 12:35 PM	#14 (permalink)
KellyC Comment or else!! Location: Home sweet home	Thanks for the replies everyone. While I appreciate your honesty and good intentions, I can't help but be a bit disturb on what some of you say about her. She's not like that at all. She's a very kind girl with a very big heart, and also very sensitive. She's not playing me and she does not have any "issues." I'm sure of this. I would spot it right away when I first chat with her and would stay the hell away. But as I get to know her more, I see how wonderful she is and began to fall for her. Believe me when I say she's the greatest girl in the world. Any ways.... So I just got home from seeing her, and I have to say I am damn happy with the outcome. Tottally unexpected. We met at around 6:30, drive to down town to have dinner. Then after dinner, I took her to the usual place where we hang out. At the time, I was so down thinking that this may be the last night I ever see her again, I hugged her and didn't want to let her go. I did this for about an hour and out of pity or something, she say yes, she'll be my girlfriend again. I was so happy I spent the whole night with her. It wasn't until 10 am, (which is just a mere two hours ago) that she told me she lied to make me happy, and it worked. Again, I was down. This time I couldn't handle it any more, I bursted into tears. And amazingly because of those tears, she agreed to be my gf again. This time for real. I was supposed to be happy, but I couldn't be because I'm still torn with the decision of what's best for her and my own happiness, which is with her. I told her this and she say let her choose for me. Reluctantly, I did. AND SHE CHOOSES ME!!!! Now I'm more happy than a bum who just won a million dollars. So, the problem as it seems, is solved. I request this thread to be closed. Thanks for the replies everyone. me go to sleep now __________________ Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe? Me: Shit happens.

01-29-2005, 01:49 PM	#15 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	I can't be the only one asking the question...Shennanigans? Sure was a lot of typing though. __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.

01-31-2005, 07:02 PM	#16 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	Wow. I hate to be "farkish", but this seems like an attention whore thread. You put your story out here, ask for advice, don't like the advice you receive, defend the girl that is cheating on you, break up with her, get back with her, break up with her, and get back with her and THEN request for the thread to be closed so no one can post reactions to it. Now, I will TRY to say something constructive: the right woman will come at the right time and you and she will know it. Until then, it's all practice. This girl seems like really good practice - into which you are more than willing to engage. So please remain self-aware during the experience and learn something, so it will be worthwhile. Good luck. __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."