? for Girls about my GF (Concerning sexual abuse in her past) - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

The Ballplayer · 01-15-2005, 09:27 AM

I have had a GF for about 4 months now and just lately (like the last week) she has seemed somewhat distant. I took her out to eat and to a movie last night and i could really tell. I mean on the drive home i got the worst feeling that she was going to break up with me. I asked her but she did the typical girl thing and said everything was fine.

Well i called her when i got home cause it was really eating me up. She finally opened up that she was loosing feelings for me. Mainly because im going to be going away to a different college in the fall. I want to keep the relationship going cause i will be back.

After talking awhile i learned that she really hasnt had a BF over 5 months and for some reason she ends up falling out of love with them and dumping them. Now she had told me that she had been cheated on and thats what i thought was the source of this. But i finally got her to admit that she had been sexually abused when she was younger by the father of a friend of hers.(They had gone camping).

Now i told her that i would never understand what that feels like and would never try to. But i can empathize with her. And i care for her so much and want to be there for her. I just need to know where to go from here, what to tell her, how to make her feel better about this because she says she still has feelings for me.

thanx for listening and any help would be appreciated

bad jane · 01-15-2005, 10:50 AM

be supportive and don't push her. while sexual abuse can certainly make it difficult for some women to have "normal" relationships in the future, therapy can really help. encourage her to seek some help, either from a therapist or some kind of group counseling.

however, is that where her issues with your relationship are really coming from? is it possible she just isn't interested in a long-distance relationship? or perhaps she's looking for something that isn't in your relationship and wants to explore other options?if she's a college student, not having a relationship beyond 5 months isn't exactly off the normal charts. only she knows if it is due to issues about her past or if she's just not found a guy worth settling down with.

as to making her feel better--reassure her it isn't her fault and that her past doesn't make her any less attractive. beyond that, ask her what she needs and wants from you--then give it to her. if she says she wants space, i'm sorry. but if you love her, give her the space she needs and stay in touch as a friend.

CityOfAngels · 01-15-2005, 08:51 PM

Keep talking to her. That's pretty much the best advice anyone can give you. Just make sure you have a two-way conversation. Let her speak her own mind, too.

martinguerre · 01-15-2005, 09:10 PM

if this is an issue...

and if you're going to help...

it's going to require a lot of trust between you two. consider asking if the reasons she's given are the real ones. make sure to take any hint of accusation out of your voice...or she'll think you're saying she cheated.

keep it low key, and respect her boundaries.

Zephyr66 · 01-15-2005, 10:40 PM

I may not be a girl, but I know quite a bit on the subject because I was sexually abused by a friends big brother multiple times when i was younger, and I have had similar problems with relationships. It's just so hard not to think about it in relationships and its so hard to keep it from being a factor. It made me very insecure with my sexuality(im sure this is not the case with your GF, but I think its better if I explain every aspect of it). You should talk to your GF about your relationship without centering on her past. Tell her how much she means to you and try and make that evident, and hope to hell it works out, thats all the advice I can give you.

Rlyss · 01-16-2005, 03:48 AM

I can't help but think that perhaps she's just not that interested.

The fact that she's been abused in the past seems to be a convenient reason for why she may not be into guys for longer than a few months. But perhaps bad jane is right, and that the abuse has nothing to do with it. Perhaps this relationship just isn't working out for her.

Make sure you're not pressuring her too much. I worry that she might have told you she's not interested anymore, and you persisted, so she said she's been cheated on, and you persisted, and then the brought up the abuse in the past, and you still want to persist. Many peopel are scarred for life over even minor childhood abuses of trust, but many people get over them without this 'professional help' and don't need them as an excuse for everything they do later in life. I'm just saying that there is always the possibility that she's telling you this as a way to say 'I'm not interested' and not as a subtle cry for help.

Just a note to say that this is all obviously just in my imagination, I don't know either of you but I just wanted to say that if she's simply not interested, then being a shoulder to cry on and lending a sympathetic ear is just going to drive her further away. In the immortal words of the TFP, 'communication' is the key and try and work out if she's got issues related to the abuse, or if she simply isn't interested in this relationship.

vvveronica · 01-16-2005, 08:32 AM

I was attacked when i was 17 and I had tons of therapy and support group this and that. It was very hard to handle for a long time. It is something she has to deal with. I was lucky enough to be able put behind me.. it is something she has to do as well. All you can do is be there.

01-15-2005, 09:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
The Ballplayer Upright	? for Girls about my GF (Concerning sexual abuse in her past) I have had a GF for about 4 months now and just lately (like the last week) she has seemed somewhat distant. I took her out to eat and to a movie last night and i could really tell. I mean on the drive home i got the worst feeling that she was going to break up with me. I asked her but she did the typical girl thing and said everything was fine. Well i called her when i got home cause it was really eating me up. She finally opened up that she was loosing feelings for me. Mainly because im going to be going away to a different college in the fall. I want to keep the relationship going cause i will be back. After talking awhile i learned that she really hasnt had a BF over 5 months and for some reason she ends up falling out of love with them and dumping them. Now she had told me that she had been cheated on and thats what i thought was the source of this. But i finally got her to admit that she had been sexually abused when she was younger by the father of a friend of hers.(They had gone camping). Now i told her that i would never understand what that feels like and would never try to. But i can empathize with her. And i care for her so much and want to be there for her. I just need to know where to go from here, what to tell her, how to make her feel better about this because she says she still has feelings for me. thanx for listening and any help would be appreciated __________________ Funky cold madena!

01-15-2005, 09:10 PM	#4 (permalink)
martinguerre whosoever Location: New England	if this is an issue... and if you're going to help... it's going to require a lot of trust between you two. consider asking if the reasons she's given are the real ones. make sure to take any hint of accusation out of your voice...or she'll think you're saying she cheated. keep it low key, and respect her boundaries. __________________ For God so loved creation, that God sent God's only Son that whosoever believed should not perish, but have everlasting life. -John 3:16

01-15-2005, 10:50 AM	#2 (permalink)
bad jane Insane	be supportive and don't push her. while sexual abuse can certainly make it difficult for some women to have "normal" relationships in the future, therapy can really help. encourage her to seek some help, either from a therapist or some kind of group counseling. however, is that where her issues with your relationship are really coming from? is it possible she just isn't interested in a long-distance relationship? or perhaps she's looking for something that isn't in your relationship and wants to explore other options?if she's a college student, not having a relationship beyond 5 months isn't exactly off the normal charts. only she knows if it is due to issues about her past or if she's just not found a guy worth settling down with. as to making her feel better--reassure her it isn't her fault and that her past doesn't make her any less attractive. beyond that, ask her what she needs and wants from you--then give it to her. if she says she wants space, i'm sorry. but if you love her, give her the space she needs and stay in touch as a friend.

01-15-2005, 10:40 PM	#5 (permalink)
Zephyr66 My custom title's the shit! Location: Canada	I may not be a girl, but I know quite a bit on the subject because I was sexually abused by a friends big brother multiple times when i was younger, and I have had similar problems with relationships. It's just so hard not to think about it in relationships and its so hard to keep it from being a factor. It made me very insecure with my sexuality(im sure this is not the case with your GF, but I think its better if I explain every aspect of it). You should talk to your GF about your relationship without centering on her past. Tell her how much she means to you and try and make that evident, and hope to hell it works out, thats all the advice I can give you.

01-16-2005, 03:48 AM	#6 (permalink)
Rlyss The Pusher Location: Edinburgh	I can't help but think that perhaps she's just not that interested. The fact that she's been abused in the past seems to be a convenient reason for why she may not be into guys for longer than a few months. But perhaps bad jane is right, and that the abuse has nothing to do with it. Perhaps this relationship just isn't working out for her. Make sure you're not pressuring her too much. I worry that she might have told you she's not interested anymore, and you persisted, so she said she's been cheated on, and you persisted, and then the brought up the abuse in the past, and you still want to persist. Many peopel are scarred for life over even minor childhood abuses of trust, but many people get over them without this 'professional help' and don't need them as an excuse for everything they do later in life. I'm just saying that there is always the possibility that she's telling you this as a way to say 'I'm not interested' and not as a subtle cry for help. Just a note to say that this is all obviously just in my imagination, I don't know either of you but I just wanted to say that if she's simply not interested, then being a shoulder to cry on and lending a sympathetic ear is just going to drive her further away. In the immortal words of the TFP, 'communication' is the key and try and work out if she's got issues related to the abuse, or if she simply isn't interested in this relationship.

01-16-2005, 08:32 AM	#7 (permalink)
vvveronica Upright Location: From Arizona but stuck in Northern California	I was attacked when i was 17 and I had tons of therapy and support group this and that. It was very hard to handle for a long time. It is something she has to deal with. I was lucky enough to be able put behind me.. it is something she has to do as well. All you can do is be there.