Olorin

well, i've been discovering recently that i am, to be frank, in love with my girlfriend's roomate. i've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years and have known her roomate as long as we've been dating (they have only in the last 1.5 years been roomates).

well, her roomate, about a month ago, broke up with her boyfriend. i've always been attracted to her and had the little thought in the back of my mind, but now it is screaming at me to do something. i do love my girflriend.. but these feelings are so strong it just calls my whole relationship with her into question. how can this be the "one" when i am soooo in love with another person? it just further complicates things that i don't believe in destiny or a true love, or any of that hype...

i just feel so torn. any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. anyone who has gone through some sort of similar experience and has some sort of guidance. i mean, i feel like i am CHEATING when i touch or hold hands with my girlfriend, it just feels wrong. i don't know, its just so messed up.

i mean, i know i love this other girl.. its sooo awkward.. we are good friends. do i tell her this? it could ruin our friendship as well as destroy my relationship with my girlfriend. do i just ignore this and hope it just goes away? i've been trying and its just not working, i can't stop from thinking about what if... is honesty the best policy in a situation like this?

i've had these feelings for a couple of weeks and i let my girlfriend know that i was going through some personal stuff and wasn't sure if our relationship was what i needed.. and i have been sort of distant since then, but we are still together and i haven't shown any serious signs that i want it to be over.

so yah.. i mean, just any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. i know this is my deal and i need to figure it out on my own, but it is nice to hear what other people have to say on the matter sometimes. thanks for taking the time to read this, i know it is long.

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Sometimes I widdles the future.

-Cletus

MacGuyver

Use your heart to feel, and use your brain to decide. You have to go with one or the other, whether it is with your instinct/emotion/heart or with you logic/thinking/brain. Pick something and never give up on it, always be proud that you are able to make a decision when times are tough, even if it doesnt feel right after you do it. Never regret.

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
---Aristotle

Deeds, not words, shall speak [for] me.
---John Fletcher

PDOUBLEOP

has the roomate expressed any interest in you?

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ef you-you effing ef

Olorin

not explicitly, and as much as i would like it, i wouldn't expect her to make the first move or anything. as far as she knows i'm still interested in my girlfriend... being romantically interested in your friend's boyfriend doesn't come up much in conversation. i mean, i think she is interested, yes, as we get along extremely well. when she started dating her ex a while back she would often call him my name on accident, which i think annoyed the hell out of him, but that doesn't really tell you much.

she has a very high moral character, so i think if there were going to be a relationship, my girlfriend would have to be okay with it. i don't know.. should i just be honest with my girlfriend and tell her what i'm going through and see what she has to say? i know it would really really hurt her at first. it's just so sticky, i don't want to end up ruining relationships with two people i really care about.

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Sometimes I widdles the future.

-Cletus

Zeraph

I think this was on an episode of Seinfield...

Just sit down and talk with them, tell your girlfriend first, you can't change how you feel. But do something about it, don't sit on your arse.

aurigus

"The Switch"

JERRY: So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here.

GEORGE: Well, if I hear you correctly--and I think that I do--my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again.

JERRY: Can't be done, huh?

GEORGE: The Switch?

JERRY: "The Switch."

GEORGE: Can't be done.

JERRY: I wonder.

GEORGE: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!

JERRY: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.

GEORGE: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.

JERRY: The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?

GEORGE: All right, dammit, I'm in.

JERRY: I couldn't do it without you.

GEORGE: All right. Let's get to work.

(Now here's the boys' second conversation on the subject, after we've seen them struggling with the issue over coffee, wandering the sidewalks of NYC-- all to 40's-style movie music--before continuing their discussion in Jerry's apartment. George begins this time.)

GEORGE: All right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see you first thing in the morning.

JERRY: Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? It's impossible! It's true! You can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid idea to begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's that!

GEORGE: We'll come up with something.

JERRY: Yeah, sure we will.

GEORGE: All right. See you tomorrow. (George sighs, exits.)

(Pregnant pause, then George bursts back in.)

GEORGE: I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!!

("third scene,"The boys are finishing pizza and beer. George begins here, slowly, carefully, to make sure Jerry's got it. (Be sure to keep in mind the descriptions' hilarious visual enactments.))

GEORGE: All right. Let's go over it again, one more time.

JERRY: All right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a ménage à trois with her and her roommate.

GEORGE: That's right.

JERRY: And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.

GEORGE: Keep going.

JERRY: At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.

GEORGE: Continue.

JERRY: The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request.

(George takes over.)

GEORGE: A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which she [Laura] of course cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.

JERRY: Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it: They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that.

(Another pregnant pause. George?)

GEORGE: You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem."

(Final pause. Jerry?)

JERRY: It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.

GEORGE: (George, finger in the peanut butter jar): This is what I do.


<<<snip>>>>


[Sandy's apartment]

SANDY: What:

JERRY: You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe its Manage A Trois.

SANDY: Oooo, that is a wild idea

JERRY: Uh?



<<< snip >>>





GEORGE: Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. Did you call her?

JERRY: Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.

GEORGE: So what happened? She throw you out? Eh?

JERRY: No actually, she took it pretty well.

GEORGE: So what happened?

JERRY: She's into it.

GEORGE: Into what?

JERRY: The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too.

GEORGE: That's unbelievable.

JERRY: Oh, it's a scene man.

GEORGE: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?

JERRY: What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.

GEORGE: You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?

JERRY: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

GEORGE: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.

JERRY: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirso lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.

GEORGE: If only something like that could happen to me.

JERRY: Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.

GEORGE: I know.




In all seriousness, I would take it very slow. The whole roomate dating thing is a touchy situation. If her roomate would start going out with you, then it could cause a lot of animosity on all parties.

Dale Kemp

After three years, your relationship with your gf has grown quite stale. I've always believed that by the end on one year, you should make a choice: Are you going to get married (eventually) or not. If you are, you should take action and get engaged. If not, then you should break up so that your friend can circulate and have a chance of finding someone right for them.

Going together for three years is just wrong.

No wonder your libido is trying to tell you to circulate more.

But your gf's roomate and good friend isn't going to want to get with you. It would be so disloyal. The only acceptable way is to break up cleanly with your gf, wait at least six months, and preferably a couple years, and then run into the roomate again. Show interest, make conversation, and ask her out. But then it won't feel disloyal, and if she likes you, she'll go for it.

But don't dump your gf for her roomate. On the other hand, aurigus had an idea. Only why not bring up a ménage à trois some evening when you're sharing dinner with the two of them. Just honestly admit that the three year relationship has grown a little stale, and you'd like to spice it up a bit. Then ask them how they'd feel about a manage? You may find yourself on the street in about 30 seconds, or in bed with them in for the night. Depending on how they feel about it.

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Trueheart

thinktank

straight up - the grass is always greener. make the switch, and you might be in the same spot in another three years. It's too tough to call, i say just do what you feel like, and let it all sort itself out.

vox_rox

This is tough and not-so-tough at the same time. If you are really feeling this way about someone else while dating your girlfriend, you must know, in your mind, that the relationship is over. It is. So, the first thing you must do is end that relationship. don't tiptoe around it, don't try to sugar coat it. sit down with your girlfriend and tell her that you honestly don't see a future, and you want to date other people.

Then, do not approach the roommate, that would be a really nasty thing as it could lead to the two roommates llosing each other as friends, and then that would be on your shoulders forever. If the relationship with the roommate is inevitable, it will happen, but you also must know that, being human as we all are, means that this, too, may never materialize.

Even if this is true, there is still someone out there for you, whether it is your curent girlfriend and you just don't see it, her roommate, or someone else.

But this thing you're doing right now is like touching a 9 volt battery to your tongue: it hurts, it's pointless, and it'll feel good when you stop. So stop.

Peace,

Pierre

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There is no such thing as strong coffee - only weak people.
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Olorin

well, if anyone is wondering, i broke up with my girlfriend tonight. we had a long cry. she still loves me, and i still love her, i just couldn't tell her that... it just doesn't feel right anymore. i think it might have been the dumbest thing i've ever done. that's what i keep thinking.

but, it's done, that's life. you make choices, they have consequences, you deal with them. please wish me luck. i've only been in a couple long term relationships, so please, if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom on the subject they are needed now.

__________________
Sometimes I widdles the future.

-Cletus

vox_rox

First off, good luck, and bold move - hang in there.

As for advice, I have one word that always works for me:

SCOTCH

Peace,

Pierre

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There is no such thing as strong coffee - only weak people.
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FeltLikeaFart

that will never work out

mtnman323

been in that situation a while back. just make sure you dont get involved really...or all parties will get hurt

AquaFox

depending on your girl and her room-mate......... you could consider a threesome like Dale Kemp suggested



just don't do anything stupid

timalkin

Dude, you fucked up. You even said yourself that you think so. Go sow your wild oats or whatever you were planning on doing, but please have the decency to completely cut this girl off. Don't go crawling back to her and apologizing, begging her to take you back. That's just weak.

I say good luck, but I say it to her. You don't deserve her.

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Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

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