aurigus

"The Switch"

JERRY: So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here.

GEORGE: Well, if I hear you correctly--and I think that I do--my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again.

JERRY: Can't be done, huh?

GEORGE: The Switch?

JERRY: "The Switch."

GEORGE: Can't be done.

JERRY: I wonder.

GEORGE: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!

JERRY: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.

GEORGE: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.

JERRY: The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?

GEORGE: All right, dammit, I'm in.

JERRY: I couldn't do it without you.

GEORGE: All right. Let's get to work.

(Now here's the boys' second conversation on the subject, after we've seen them struggling with the issue over coffee, wandering the sidewalks of NYC-- all to 40's-style movie music--before continuing their discussion in Jerry's apartment. George begins this time.)

GEORGE: All right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see you first thing in the morning.

JERRY: Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? It's impossible! It's true! You can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid idea to begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's that!

GEORGE: We'll come up with something.

JERRY: Yeah, sure we will.

GEORGE: All right. See you tomorrow. (George sighs, exits.)

(Pregnant pause, then George bursts back in.)

GEORGE: I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!!

("third scene,"The boys are finishing pizza and beer. George begins here, slowly, carefully, to make sure Jerry's got it. (Be sure to keep in mind the descriptions' hilarious visual enactments.))

GEORGE: All right. Let's go over it again, one more time.

JERRY: All right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a ménage à trois with her and her roommate.

GEORGE: That's right.

JERRY: And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.

GEORGE: Keep going.

JERRY: At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.

GEORGE: Continue.

JERRY: The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request.

(George takes over.)

GEORGE: A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which she [Laura] of course cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.

JERRY: Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it: They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that.

(Another pregnant pause. George?)

GEORGE: You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem."

(Final pause. Jerry?)

JERRY: It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.

GEORGE: (George, finger in the peanut butter jar): This is what I do.


<<<snip>>>>


[Sandy's apartment]

SANDY: What:

JERRY: You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe its Manage A Trois.

SANDY: Oooo, that is a wild idea

JERRY: Uh?



<<< snip >>>





GEORGE: Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. Did you call her?

JERRY: Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.

GEORGE: So what happened? She throw you out? Eh?

JERRY: No actually, she took it pretty well.

GEORGE: So what happened?

JERRY: She's into it.

GEORGE: Into what?

JERRY: The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too.

GEORGE: That's unbelievable.

JERRY: Oh, it's a scene man.

GEORGE: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?

JERRY: What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.

GEORGE: You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?

JERRY: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

GEORGE: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.

JERRY: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirso lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.

GEORGE: If only something like that could happen to me.

JERRY: Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.

GEORGE: I know.




In all seriousness, I would take it very slow. The whole roomate dating thing is a touchy situation. If her roomate would start going out with you, then it could cause a lot of animosity on all parties.