Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > The Academy > Tilted Sexuality


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-30-2004, 11:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
Tilted
 
My girlfriends mother.

Allright, this is a really long story story so if you're easily bored then this isn't for you.

I'm 18 years old and I've dated 3 girls in my whole life. I don't know how wierd that is, I guess if I go by my friends examples then it's average but who knows. Anyways, I've never really met my girlfriends parents except in pasing up untill this relationship. I'll get into this later.

This girl I am dating now is named Allie, and she is 18 also. I've been seeing her for 8mos.

Now we met in highshool and now that highschool is over, we've gone to different universities. She goes to Miami of Ohio and I go to Medical College of Ohio. We are seperated by about 200 miles. She lives on campus @ Miami, I live at home since Its only about a 15min drive to my school. This isn't the issue though, we've always known this would happen.

Allie is supposedly bi-polar. I say supposedly because I have NEVER seen the symptoms. Whatever the case my be, weather it's a for real thing or an imagined or mis diagnosed thing, I guess I don't really care. It doesn't affect our relationship in any way so I am not worried about it. She does take medication (very expensive medication at that) for it off and on.

Heres the thing though, this "disorder" has led Allie to have an extremely close relationship with her mother. Allies mother is VERY involved with her life and VERY protective of her. They talk EVERY NIGHT, and I mean EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Now somehow I've earned the trust of her mother, I don't know why but I've become as close to her mother as I have to Allie. Allies mom considers me a part of their family... and it's getting scary.

First there's the whole phonecall issue. It's LONG DISTANCE to call her. I buy those 300 minute phonecards for like 30$ at the store so it's not OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive to call her, but still. If I call her everynight then I' eat one of those phonecards every week or two.

I can't afford that!

So my frequency of calling her has gone down. Somehow her mom found out about this and now shes inquiring about why I don't call Allie more than once or twice a week.

Secondly, Allie doesn't have a car on campus and she doesn't have a drivers license either. Now it's a 200+ mile drive down to her campus and Allies parents are still supporting her. Allie comes home fairly often and her parents have been driving her back and forth. Lately, in the interest of helping them out a little, (and being able to see Allie more often) the last two times I split the work with them. I drove down to pick her up and they took her back. This drive is absolutley exhausting (6 hrs round trip of over 400mi) and my car is OLD (95 Escort, 160,000mi) it CANNOT take the abuse of driving like that and I NEED my car to get to school.

I can't afford to replace my car if it breaks, and if I keep driving it this hard it's just a question of time untill it gives out. Again, let me state: I need my car to drive to school, if my car breaks and I can't replace it I WILL NOT be able to go to school untill I replace it.

Her mother now expects me to provide some %age of the transportation and has been actively making me feel bad about it when I refuse.

Now Allies mom is starting to push other things on me. First of all she's had conversations with me and directly asked me questions like "are you dating other people" and alluded to things like "I don't know exactly where this is going but...". Now I don't know what to do.

I LIKE this girl. I don't want to leave her. I want to dump her damn mother.

Heres another thing her mom has told me. "I just don't want Allie to get hurt, if she finds out you're seeing other people she could get depressed." (because of her supposed illness) Now come on, I'm 18 and let me tell you, this is NOT the last girl I will ever date.

Just for the record I'm not seeing anyone else right now, nor do I have any other active interests.

I don't want this relationship with her mother and I'm tired of being made to feel GUILTY about not calling her ofen (it's long distance) not driving 400mi to pick her up (my car CANNOT take the abuse) and I don't know but I'm starting to get the idea that her mother would be REALLY happy if we got engaged at Christmas or something and I'm at no where NEAR that level of commitment.

I'm scared.




PS: Hopefully this made sense. It's kind of a long story with a lot of details and I skipped around a lot so if something doesn't make sense I'll clarify it, just point it out.

Last edited by Eric640; 10-30-2004 at 05:41 PM..
Eric640 is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 12:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
Junkie
 
fhqwhgads's Avatar
 
Not what I expected when the title talks about "loosing" a girl.
fhqwhgads is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 12:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Is talking to the mother out of the question? I mean, she must pick up the phone, just say "Can I talk to you for a couple of minutes."
TheBrit is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 12:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
Insane
 
boredom's Avatar
 
Location: California
Hahah i was thinking way something else like pacifist in RVB. okay um sheesh this is hard, id actually just talk to the mother and explain your position. Cant help with the guilt thing, thats one thing that i have very little feeling for(mother conditioning me to be unfeeling)
__________________
Wiggum: Find anything this time, boys?
Cop: Uh, no sign of him, Chief.
Wiggum: Princess Opal?
Opal: I see nothing here, but I'm afraid it's splitsville for Delta
Burke and Major Dad.
Wiggum: But they seem so happy!
-- ``Bart the Murderer''
boredom is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 12:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
Cosmically Curious
 
onodrim's Avatar
 
Location: Chicago, IL
Wow, you've got youself a tough situation here. I think the best policy would be to talk to the Mother. Tell her what you've said, be honest about your concerns and feelings, and if she's a reasonable person, she should back off. If she doens't listen to you, then I'd talk to your girlfriend, maybe she could get through to your mother. At this point I'd say honesty is your best policy. Good luck!
__________________
"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
-Carl Sagan
onodrim is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 01:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
Willravel's Avatar
 
Your girlfriends psychological problems are not your burden. You will have to learn to live with them, but her mother using it as a bargining chip is a bit underhanded. You aren't seeing other people. It seems to be her idea that you're cheating. Her mother seems to be living vicariously through your gf, and she is being paranoid about you cheating on her. I have to admit that what her mother is doing seems more serious than her daughters supposed bipolar problem.

What I would do in your shoes: It's time to be honest (as most people beefore me have said). "I love your daughter very much. I love her enough to call her and visit her as much as is possible. I can't do the impossible, though. What would be impossible is to call her every night. What would be impossible is to drive and see her as often as you seem to want me to. I am willing to do everything I can to be with her, but ther are limits to waht I can do right now. I can't give up school to see her more often, as my car is old and could brake down any second. I can't call her every night because I don't have the money. If (insert gf/daughters name her) is worried about me, we'll talk and work it out. I appreciate your concern, but we have this handeled. Thanks."
Willravel is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 02:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
Thank God hockey is back
 
lunchbox's Avatar
 
Location: Deeeeeetroit
I can't really add anything, be honest tell her your concerns, tell her why you can't do everything she expects. Also, I hate to bring this up but if you're completely ruling out her being the one for you (which you seem to be doing) then why put yourself through this? yea its going to be hard to make that decision but if she's just some girl you want to see casually and want to date other girls eventually don't even put yourself in this situation. You don't need to be killing yourself or putting all this stress on you if you don't want her to be the last girl you ever date.
lunchbox is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 02:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
Oh shit it's Wayne Brady!
 
CityOfAngels's Avatar
 
Location: Passenger seat of Wayne Brady's car.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fhqwhgads
Not what I expected when the title talks about "loosing" a girl.
Seriously; I was about to reply with the following:
1. Why on earth would you want to do that?
2. If you reallly want to know, start off by wetting your fingers...
__________________
The words "love" and "life" go together. It is almost as if they are one. You must love to live, and you must live to love, or you have never lived nor loved at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeraph
...the best way to keep a big secret would be to make it public with disinformation...
CityOfAngels is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 05:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Quote:
Quote:
Not what I expected when the title talks about "loosing" a girl.

Seriously; I was about to reply with the following:
1. Why on earth would you want to do that?
2. If you reallly want to know, start off by wetting your fingers...
Sorry to dissapoint you guys...
Title edited to be less sensational.

LOL at #2 though.

Last edited by Eric640; 10-30-2004 at 05:58 PM..
Eric640 is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 05:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunchbox
You don't need to be killing yourself or putting all this stress on you if you don't want her to be the last girl you ever date.
Hmmm. Interesting point.

However if that's the case then why would I ever bother dating anyone, afterall, it just begs the question: "How long do you have to date someone to know they are the one?"

Let's just say I'm not really planning that far into the future. It's not that it absolutley positively could not happen, but it feels unlikely. However it's not like I disklike her, in fact quite the opposite or else I wouldn't be bothering with this long distance shit in the first place.

Last edited by Eric640; 10-30-2004 at 05:59 PM..
Eric640 is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 05:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by willravel
"I love your daughter very much. I love her enough to call her and visit her as much as is possible. I can't do the impossible, though. What would be impossible is to call her every night. What would be impossible is to drive and see her as often as you seem to want me to. I am willing to do everything I can to be with her, but ther are limits to waht I can do right now. I can't give up school to see her more often, as my car is old and could brake down any second. I can't call her every night because I don't have the money. If (insert gf/daughters name her) is worried about me, we'll talk and work it out. I appreciate your concern, but we have this handeled. Thanks."
Thanks for that, I guess you guys are right. Talking to the mother is clearly the most logical step to take. I do appreciate the feedback.

EDIT: Sorry for the triple post. Is there anyway to reply to multiple posters in one post without opening multiple browsers and doing the quotes manually?
Eric640 is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 05:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
The Pusher
 
Rlyss's Avatar
 
Location: Edinburgh
I agree with what someone said about the mother living vicariously. It sounds to me like you've got a relationship with the mother and not her. I saw an episode of Malcolm in the Middle lately where Malcolm got along so well with the girl's family that he spent all his time with them, and the girl would go out with her friends, and he wouldn't even realize.

I think you can be honest all you want (and you should) but I just can't see this happening. You can really like a woman, even love her, but that doesn't mean you have to marry her, and that's especially not a decision you should make at age eighteen. Personally I think you should explain your situation to the mother (willravel's words are perfect) and then focus more on your girlfriend. Forget the mother, you're not dating her. Stress that you can't afford the phone calls and the driving. Tell her it's not a matter of prioritizing your money, it's just that can't afford it.

See how your girlfriend feels about it all. If she's cool with only seeing you once every few months or a phone call once a week, then forget the mother's wishes. But it sounds to me like whatever the mother wants, the girlfriend's going to want, and I don't think there's a way out of that.

By the way, are you trying to lose her or are you trying to work through these problems?
Rlyss is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 06:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Seattle, WA
So like others said, the biggest problem here is the mother. How does the GF feel about her mother being such a huge part of her life? It might be time to cut the umbilical cord...
But mother aside (and assuming you want to keep the relationship going), a couple of things you could do. If you actually want to talk to her more often, get a cell phone with no long distance fees. Should cost between $30 and $50 per month so cheaper than the phone cards for more time. And it might be worth looking into bus routes/fairs. If she really wants to travel home so often she should get well-acquainted with the grey dog (and it sounds like that's something her parents might pay for). And if you want to see her WITHOUT the mother, just spend a weekend with her on her campus (Go there, don't bring her home). Two 3-hr trips on different days is a lot better than one 6hr trip on one day.
exizldelfuego is offline  
Old 10-30-2004, 08:13 PM   #14 (permalink)
Untitled
Guest
 
To leech of Ex's post, (which I 100% agree with) I might add that VIA rail has '6packs'. 6 oone way tickets (3 roundtrips) between 2 destinations. Very very useful!
 
 

Tags
girl, heh, loose

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 06:41 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360