thebellman

I know it's not really a "sexual" question persay, but a relationship question and I could use some advice. I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year, and I don't know why but for some reason I always seem to think that she's going to leave me for some other guy. Sometimes I know it's ridiculous for me to think that, but other times I find out that she has these guys hitting on her all the time. She swears that she's not going anywhere, and she's happy, and I know she's not lying about it, but I can't seem to get it through my head that I don't have to worry. I know it's confusing, but hopefully someone can give me some advice. How do I learn to be able to be comfortable that she's not going anywhere?

MageB420666

Sounds like you have some self esteem issues, you might want to start working on feeling better about yourself, right now you seem to be thinking that she is going to find someone "better" than you.

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Apathy: The best outlook this side of I don't give a damn.

Flyguy

Agreed. Build some self-esteem dude. Be happy that you have a girl hot enough that guys are hitting on her left and right. And you're gonna have to trust her too. If she says that he won't go anywhere, you have to believe her. Unless she does something to prove otherwise.

Until then stop with the suspicions and enjoy your hottie!

Untitled

Wow, this sounds just like me, on a bad day. Throw in the fact that mine is a long distance relationship and you've just about got it.

The thing is, I KNOW I have trust issues, and my guy has really helped me through them. Realize that you have an amazing person who is in love with you. You must be pretty damn great to deserve that, right? Just try to see all the good qualities you have; I'm sure there's a ton.

good luck

Homey_V

You have to tell yourself that she's been with you for this long for many reasons, the foremost of which is that SHE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU.

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CityOfAngels

Ask yourself some questions:
1) Has she ever cheated on you?
2) Does she purposely talk about other guys to make you jealous?
3) Is she just as insecure as you are about your relationship?
4) Does she ever lie to you (yes, "small lies" count)?

If you've answered yes to any of these, then I'd say there's a possibility that you have something to worry about. The best thing to do in this situation is to be completely honest about your worries and take a break. Tell her you're skeptical, and give her reasons why you're skeptical. During your break, she has a choice to either not do what she's doing that makes you so skeptical or to move on to someone else. Don't expect either situation from her; she can very well move on, but remember, if she's not right for you, then it's best for her to move on.

If you haven't answered yes to any of those questions, then, although there is always a possibility of her not being faithful, you need to trust her. If you can't trust her, then you need to end it. At least take a break, tell her why, and don't get back together with her until you can conciously decide to start trusting her.

My big point is this: Honesty and trust are the backbones of any relationship. In both possible cases; if she's not honest with you, or if you can't bring yourself to trust her, the relationship will only become more and more deleterious to you, her, and ultimately itself. It's best to not continue a relationship than to be in one that is in a downward spiral.

I hope the best for you and her. If she is dishonest but eventually rights her wrongs, by all means get back with her. If you're just insecure for no reasons on her part, but can eventually bring yourself to trust her, get back with her.

adam

Well, first you have to figure out why you think that... do you think you are unlovable? Or are there other reasons? (I speak from experience: a childhood with an alcoholic father and a depressed mother have left me with a residue of chronic depression.)

Probably the best thing to do would be to find a professional therapist and work out why you feel that way. At least in my experience, these kind of feelings don't just go away on their own.

lurkette

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

As others have said, there is clearly some reason you think you are not worthy of her and that she will find someone "better." First, you need to deconstruct this "unloveable" thing - recognize that it is not "True" with a capital "T" - it's most likely based on strange (il)logical leaps you made when you were a child in response to certain events.

Second, you need to recognize how frustrating it must be for her. One, you don't trust her, and two, you don't believe in her love for you. I was lucky enough to find a love who stuck with me through all that nonsense till I got over it, but many people don't have that kind of patience or insight. To them, it looks like you can't accept love when it's given, and like you don't trust them. If they leave, it just becomes more evidence that you're unloveable for you to use as ammunition against yourself in your next relationship.

Do yourself a favor and nip this in the bud. If you can, find a cognitive-behavioral therapist who can help you "unpack" your faulty reasoning. Meantime, recognize that just because you think something or feel something doesn't mean that it's true, or that you have to act on it.

Best of luck - if you can lick this, you've got it made!

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

water_boy1999

I disagree with everyone thus far. I don't think you have self esteem issues at all. If you have a gut feeling that something is going on, more often than not, your gut is right. Now, women are always going to have guys ogle them, so you have to get over that fact right away. Be glad that you have a beautiful woman on the inside and out. If you think she is going to leave you, there has to be more behind it than just other guys looking at her. Has she been doing her own thing and being inconsistent lately? Has she been doing things without you, things she hasn't normally done before? Is she frequenting other bars, going "out with the girls", or setting agendas that she normally doesn't? Thing is, it is not always a self esteem issue that causes one to think these things.

I don't have self esteem issues. I have dated very hot women strictly for their looks and when the gut started telling me that they were doing other things I wasn't aware of, I was 100% right every time. I have wisened up since then and go for personality....and looks.....

I don't think your reasoning is wrong, but I do think you need to address this head on and find out what is really going on. Fiil us in. Give us more details as to why you think this.

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Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

stonegrody

If you are constantly worrying about if she's going to leave you or not, you're not going to be able to enjoy the relationship. Maybe she will, maybe she wont. Either way, you probably wont have much control over it. Either you're going to be a cool guy and be a pleasure to be around or you're going to be a paranoid worrier who's going to turn her off with your insecurities. I know that when I'm with someone and they constantly worry if I'm going to go somewhere else, it's all they focus on and I eventually do go somewhere else because it's a pain. Don't convince her to do so. Try to get over it and just enjoy what time you have with her. No relationship is guaranteed forever so why fret over it? Just enjoy the ride while you can instead of stressing over the what if's. Believe me, if you guys have talked about this, I'm sure she is well aware of how you feel. I personally don't enjoy being around people who are so worried about stuff like that, it's not enjoyable to be around. That alone would cause me to leave.

adam

You might want to talk to your doctor; they will be able to make a much better diagnosis of whether you might need treatment than can a message board. If you don't need therapy, no big deal and you can evaluate the other options. If you do, waiting will cause misery and may spoil your relationship.

Dysthymia and related illnesses are not uncommon but are often left untreated. That's a tragedy.

st33lr4t

understand that you will be happy and live your life regardless if you are with her or not. who cares if she cheats, if she does she wasnt for you anyways. if she doesnt cheat then bonus

but really...it takes alot more effort to worry about her cheating then just accepting the fact that you really have no control over it so just go with the flow. if shes gonna cheat there is not a damn thing you can do to prevent it.

now just go out there and enjoy her.

thebellman

I guess I can add a little more info as to why I feel like this. A couple of times have I caught her lying, but never anything major. Only once did it have to do with a guy. He called her and she swore that she never talked to her, and when I found out that he called her I confronted her about it. She told me that she didn't tell me about it because she knew I would get upset about it and that it was something meaningless. But still, the fact that she lied about it when i gave her several chances to tell me was sort of unnerving. Other than that, it's been almost a year and nothign else really terrible, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I ended with my ex because she found someone else. Thanks for all the advice, and any more would be greatly appreciated.