Jennteel

Beware long post up ahead...

I just recently ended a 5 year relationship. Recently as in 2 days ago. I don't know how I am supposed to deal with the hurt I have. I have 2 children from a previous 11 year marriage before him. We moved in together right away. Things were good and the sex was awesome. Then out of the blue I come home one day to find his stuff moved out. I actually caught him leaving. This day was the day our rent was due and therefore he left me and my kids in a bad situation because I didn't have enough money to come up his share of bills and rent. Things got physical and I got my wrist slammed in the door amoung other things, and went to the er. I turned him in, or actually my neighbors did. I won't go into little deatails but to make this part shorter, stupid me went looking for him and went back to him. The catch here is that the same day he left me he slept with a girl at his motel that he had been dating for a couple months apparently. He told me of her and then she called and I asked her. It hurt but I was desparate to have him in my life. We moved across state and lived there for a year. In this year things went worse for us. He was drinking and smoking pot to extremes. We faught alot and he got physical with me. At one point he sat on me and restrained me to the floor. My daughter 10 at the time ran to call police. He was arrested and taken to jail. They then expidited him back across state because he had a warrant there too for the DV. Okay stupid me AGAIN....takes his ass back. Yes I did love him with everything I had and I kept thinking things would get better. Well they didn't. I packed up one day and left to go back home across state. He later moved back to AZ with his dad. We spoke online a little. I was pregnant but ended up having a misscariage (thank goodness) I love kids but to have a child with him would be hell for all of us. I underatand now how he detests children. I dated a few other guys I met and he did too. But we both wanted eachother AGAIN. So 4 months later he moved back to WA and into my place. Things were great as usual in the beginning. We have had spats and sometimes I would feel like leaving him. He lied to me, belittled my feelings, and was insenscere, and inconsderate. But I guess I always thought....I won't find anything better than this so I settled. My oldest does not like him and my youngest got tired of trying to WIN his love. About a week ago his sister killed herself. They were not close at all but I still expected him to grieve. My daughter and I went to the sisters apartment overnight to clean and pack for the family. I did everything I could. I injured my broken toe and have to have the nail removed. I was in alot of pain for the past week. His dad came into town and I well expected troubles as always when daddy comes to town. But it was extreme. He was not coming home until after 1:30 am. He would shut me out. He even told me this did not concern me and that it was family and I was not family. 5 years I gave this man for him to tell me I am not family? You can proly imagine the hurt I was feeling. So I decided not to go to the funeral. Next day he asks me if I am going to funeral and I tell him no. He procedes to call me a "selfish fucking bitch". I ended up going after he left to pay my respects. I stood alone, sat alone, and kept my mouth shut. He treated me like an outsider and made me feel like a piece of shit. I went to the wake in which he stood outside and left me sitting alone for nearly 2 hours. I went home. He came home later that night and told me if I wanted to talk to him it was HIS day so we could talk about him and his feelings but not mine. So I put on the headphones to listen to my music. Meantime he loaned MY car to his dad. He had to leave the next morning to go get my car which was 20 minutes down the street. By 11pm that night still no car or Matt. I found out where he was and went with my father to the hotel to get my car. He didnt come home. I found out he did not pay rent with the rent money and had not intended to either. So dejavous he did it to me and my kids once again. He came yesturday with his posey trying to come in the house. See night before I told him if he did not intend to pay rent he had 24 hours to remove his shit from my house. I had to call police when they arrived because he frightens me. He got his shit and left. but he also stole some things that were mine or my kids. I mean he did vindictive shit like take the hard drive out of my 9 year old son's pc. He took a bag of about 20 brand new seasonings. He tried to steal my dog, but I wasn't gonna have that. I was happy when he was gone and my kids and I redid my room and watched movies. I felt like I lost 20 lbs from my heart. But as night fell I grew very lonely and kept finding myself looking at the door, picturing him coming home. My family and friends are happy he is gone, but my heart aches like it never has before. I am a stay at home mom and don't go out. I dont drink. I quit smoking almost a year ago but bought a pack the other night. They are gone and I don't intend on getting more. I am supposed to go get a protection order today but I dont have any motivation to do anything. I am afraid to leave my home but also afraid to be here. I am afraid he is gonna break in to either hurt me or steal one of the dogs. That dog is the only thing he ever cared about. So here I am and rent and bills were due 9 days ago. He has left me in a bad situation. I blame only myself for allowing him back into our lives. Love can make you do stupid things. So how do I deal with the pain and loss I have? I am at the point of tossing away all hopes of being happy and loved. But I don't want to feel this big empty hole in my heart either. And what makes it worse is more than likely I will have to pack up in 3 weeks to move because I cant live at this house without a roomate. Any suggestions?

denim

Get a female roommate?

Probably best for you to live by yourself with your kids for a while, to give y'all a chance to recover from all the abuse. Maybe even go to a support group for abused women and see what they have to say.

st33lr4t

this part really stuck out at me. why are you losing all hope of being happy? you dont need anyone to make you happy. for that matter how did he make you happy?...doesnt sound like a happy relationship. what is your definition of happiness?...being in a relationship that you put 100% into which you never see in return? sounds to me like you were just dependant on him.

you need to find that thing or things that make you happy. everytime you find yourself missing him just remember all the terrible things that he did to you and your kids. remember your better then him. you DESERVE someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

i wouldnt confuse loneliness with being happy. personally i would rather be happy and lonely then in a shitty relationship with someone and not be happy. man life is too short to rely on someone else to make you happy...fuck him and live your life to the fullest. you seem like a very loving and caring person and he should be lucky to even know you.

oh yah...get yourself a roomate. that should help the loneliness. get yourself involved in groups and clubs for whatever interests you...then you will be surround by others with the same interests.

maleficent

Congratulate yourself for getting away from him, too many abused women stay in bad relationships rather than be by themselves. (Note I did not say alone, because you are not alone)

It's tough, but put aside the pain and heartache right now and concentrate on getting a life for yourself and your children. If it's a kick in the butt that you need to get that order of protection, I'll give you one (but I have on padded slippers, so it won't hurt much)

Your life is better without him. You know that.

It's time to get yourself the life that you always wanted. What do you dream about doing? about being?

Find yourself a battered women's support group, if you want help finding one, PM someone. These support grops, you aren't forced to talk, but if you listen you will hear your story over and over again, you will know you are not alone, other women have been down the same road you are going down and can give you the benefit of their experience.

Take a deep breath. Shrug your shoulders. Look at yourself in the mirror dead in the eye, and tell yourself that You Can Do It! YOu can do whatever you need to survive.

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Hash_Browns

That is a lot of time wasted on trying to make something out of nothing, now you have time to make it all up, to yourself and your kids. I am not a religious person, but I will tell you I have friends in the church, and they are a great place to go when in dire straights, you may even be able to get some support from them, to keep your home and get you and you kids fed. It can't hurt to try.

Also, if you are so lonely, invite the kids in to your room (if you are comfy with it), get them some sleeping bags and keep them as close to you as possible and remember, no one will ever take their place in your heart, and you will see it fill up in no time. Love yourself also, look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself who you are and why you did what you did. "I am a good person, I am done being walked all over, I am ready to care for me-not another person" and do those things, repeat them until you believe them, because they are true, they might sound stupid, but if you start living them out everyday, it will help.

Enroll your kids in a program they might enjoy, and try to make it around the same time, so you can take that time to enroll yourself into other things that will get you out and help you make friends, don't jump into a relationship, just make friends, someone you can call (if you don't already have this) to just talk when you are down...pm me if you think that might help

I am a 25 yr. old mother, who was in the situation your kids are in, not that long ago...mom and her boyfriend always fighting....believe me, your kids not matter how hard it seems, will be soo much happier that he's gone that they won't notice much else, just talk to them, they aren't as fragile as everyone thinks, if you just talk to them.

I don't have much more at the moment, but it will come to me and I will let ya know...and like I said, feel free to pm me.

Oh, motivation or not, you should go and get the P.P.O. now, for you-your kids- and even the dog. Also make sure you get the dog licenced and maybe tattoo'd (ear) or pictures so you can prove he's yours should you need to. But if the dog becomes a reason for him to keep showing up, seriously think about it....could it maybe be easier to just let him have it?? I know that might feel like giving in, but I'd see it as releasing yourself from all ties to him...and making you less of a target. But that's just me...

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Smile It makes people wonder what you're up too!

Jennteel

I am currently working on a roomate but I refuse to have a stranger in my home and that mat provide a problem. I will know in 2 weeks if this will work out. My kids have been sleeping with me in my room which is nice but sometimes I feel smothered. I don't think they want me to think about him and what he did to us but I can't help it. My kids and I had a program where my son had sports or swimming and my daughter and I worked out but had to put that on hold with the broken toe. As for the dog....Its not so much I dont want to give in but he won't take care of him. He never feeds the animals or takes them to the vet for shots or checkups. And last time we split I let him have one of the cats and let's just say 4 months after that the cat was gone. My animals are like my kids, ya know. I have alot of friends I have met online but very few in everyday life. I enjoy games and have accounts in a few rp games, like to go to the movies with my kids, ect...but right now I cannot seem to find the motivation. And on another note....the relationship wasn't all bad. He did give alot in certain areas but not the ones he needed to. I mean he would cook and bring me breakfast in the mornings on his day off and love making was awesome. But on the other hand when I REALLY needed him he was not here for me. I have had to go to the ER for extreme migrains, broken toe, and several other problems over the years and he would never take me. I had to drive myself or take a cab. Once I had to lie to the ER so they would treat me. Tols em I had ride when I did not. He would brag to his family about being happy that he was a freespirit and not being tied down to a wife and kids. Just alot of little hurtful things like that ended up breaking my spirit. I guess I compared him to other men and how some treat their women and I figured I didnt have it so bad after all. And don't get me wrong I am not pinpointing men, I know women mistreat men as well.

denim

He was an abuser. They behave like that to maintain control.

lurkette

Love doesn't make you do stupid things, fear makes you do stupid things. It sounds like the fear of being lonely, feeling unloved, feeling worthless, makes you keep taking this guy back because you think "I won't find anything better than this."

Or perhaps you are punishing yourself for something by staying with this completely unsuitable guy who pushes you around and belittles you. This does not sound like love - it sounds like a way for you to keep being a victim and a martyr. I know this sounds harsh, but why otherwise would you keep taking him back when it's clear that he's not good for you? You say "love," and I say bull. No sooner is he out the door than you start having second thoughts. You say you don't want to live with this "big empty hole in my heart." That hole is where your love for YOU should live, and YOU need to fill it. Nobody else can fill it for you, and nobody else can make you happy, least of all a man who despises your children and clearly has nothing but contempt for you.

Do what you have to to get away and KEEP away from this man. Join a support group for abused partners, take on a roommate to help pay the bills, whatever. And don't just jump into another relationship to try to fill the hole, because I promise you every relationship you have will be unsatisfying if you don't love yourself - you will seek out the kind of people you think you deserve, and they will treat you no better than you think they should.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

maleficent

Don't ever forget that. Especially when you start thinking about the occassional good times that you had. He wasn't there for you, when you needed him, someone who loves you is supposed to be there, especially at that time.

There are lots of professional rooomate finder services out there, that would do background checks on a potential roommate, so it's not a stranger. You are looking for someone to help with expenses, not a best friend, don't rule out the idea of someone you don't know, especially when it's possibly key to your financial future.

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Munku

I honestly have no advice for you, but I did read the whole thing, and one thing I can say is paragraphs would have been MUCH better.. I'm sorry about what you're going through and hope you can pull through it all.