Jennteel

Beware long post up ahead...

I just recently ended a 5 year relationship. Recently as in 2 days ago. I don't know how I am supposed to deal with the hurt I have. I have 2 children from a previous 11 year marriage before him. We moved in together right away. Things were good and the sex was awesome. Then out of the blue I come home one day to find his stuff moved out. I actually caught him leaving. This day was the day our rent was due and therefore he left me and my kids in a bad situation because I didn't have enough money to come up his share of bills and rent. Things got physical and I got my wrist slammed in the door amoung other things, and went to the er. I turned him in, or actually my neighbors did. I won't go into little deatails but to make this part shorter, stupid me went looking for him and went back to him. The catch here is that the same day he left me he slept with a girl at his motel that he had been dating for a couple months apparently. He told me of her and then she called and I asked her. It hurt but I was desparate to have him in my life. We moved across state and lived there for a year. In this year things went worse for us. He was drinking and smoking pot to extremes. We faught alot and he got physical with me. At one point he sat on me and restrained me to the floor. My daughter 10 at the time ran to call police. He was arrested and taken to jail. They then expidited him back across state because he had a warrant there too for the DV. Okay stupid me AGAIN....takes his ass back. Yes I did love him with everything I had and I kept thinking things would get better. Well they didn't. I packed up one day and left to go back home across state. He later moved back to AZ with his dad. We spoke online a little. I was pregnant but ended up having a misscariage (thank goodness) I love kids but to have a child with him would be hell for all of us. I underatand now how he detests children. I dated a few other guys I met and he did too. But we both wanted eachother AGAIN. So 4 months later he moved back to WA and into my place. Things were great as usual in the beginning. We have had spats and sometimes I would feel like leaving him. He lied to me, belittled my feelings, and was insenscere, and inconsderate. But I guess I always thought....I won't find anything better than this so I settled. My oldest does not like him and my youngest got tired of trying to WIN his love. About a week ago his sister killed herself. They were not close at all but I still expected him to grieve. My daughter and I went to the sisters apartment overnight to clean and pack for the family. I did everything I could. I injured my broken toe and have to have the nail removed. I was in alot of pain for the past week. His dad came into town and I well expected troubles as always when daddy comes to town. But it was extreme. He was not coming home until after 1:30 am. He would shut me out. He even told me this did not concern me and that it was family and I was not family. 5 years I gave this man for him to tell me I am not family? You can proly imagine the hurt I was feeling. So I decided not to go to the funeral. Next day he asks me if I am going to funeral and I tell him no. He procedes to call me a "selfish fucking bitch". I ended up going after he left to pay my respects. I stood alone, sat alone, and kept my mouth shut. He treated me like an outsider and made me feel like a piece of shit. I went to the wake in which he stood outside and left me sitting alone for nearly 2 hours. I went home. He came home later that night and told me if I wanted to talk to him it was HIS day so we could talk about him and his feelings but not mine. So I put on the headphones to listen to my music. Meantime he loaned MY car to his dad. He had to leave the next morning to go get my car which was 20 minutes down the street. By 11pm that night still no car or Matt. I found out where he was and went with my father to the hotel to get my car. He didnt come home. I found out he did not pay rent with the rent money and had not intended to either. So dejavous he did it to me and my kids once again. He came yesturday with his posey trying to come in the house. See night before I told him if he did not intend to pay rent he had 24 hours to remove his shit from my house. I had to call police when they arrived because he frightens me. He got his shit and left. but he also stole some things that were mine or my kids. I mean he did vindictive shit like take the hard drive out of my 9 year old son's pc. He took a bag of about 20 brand new seasonings. He tried to steal my dog, but I wasn't gonna have that. I was happy when he was gone and my kids and I redid my room and watched movies. I felt like I lost 20 lbs from my heart. But as night fell I grew very lonely and kept finding myself looking at the door, picturing him coming home. My family and friends are happy he is gone, but my heart aches like it never has before. I am a stay at home mom and don't go out. I dont drink. I quit smoking almost a year ago but bought a pack the other night. They are gone and I don't intend on getting more. I am supposed to go get a protection order today but I dont have any motivation to do anything. I am afraid to leave my home but also afraid to be here. I am afraid he is gonna break in to either hurt me or steal one of the dogs. That dog is the only thing he ever cared about. So here I am and rent and bills were due 9 days ago. He has left me in a bad situation. I blame only myself for allowing him back into our lives. Love can make you do stupid things. So how do I deal with the pain and loss I have? I am at the point of tossing away all hopes of being happy and loved. But I don't want to feel this big empty hole in my heart either. And what makes it worse is more than likely I will have to pack up in 3 weeks to move because I cant live at this house without a roomate. Any suggestions?